Faux pas

So I go into my favourite sandwich shop, for what I now know is the last time. I walk up to the chiller cabinet and pick up a lovely chicken, bacon and sweetcorn sandwich. Then I walk over to the tills. So far, so good.

Now the shop is quite empty, as it's 11.45 and most people are still at work. There are two women on the tills, with an empty till between them. One (on the right) is a gnarled old crone, the other is young, but a biffer.* Neither of them seem particularly attentive, so I walk to a point roughly equidistant from the pair of them and wait to see who cracks first.

The young biffer's reactions are about a second faster, and she picks up a bag in which she will pack my sandwich. But only a second faster. The old crone picks up her bag, but doesn't see Biffergirl pick up hers.

Obviously to me, Biffergirl has won the Bandage prize, so I walk towards her till. But it's not so obvious to Cronewoman.

CRONEWOMAN:
'Ey, what's wrong with me, lad?

BANDAGE
Whhubble.

CRONEWOMAN
Going to 'er? Oh, I see. (BROWNED OFF) Going for the young pretty one? Oh, yeah, age before beauty.

BANDAGE
(BAFFLED BY CRONEWOMAN'S NON-SEQUITUR) Oh, no, no. (ATTEMPTS LAUGH, WHILE HANDING OVER TENNER) I can't win here, can I?

CRONEWOMAN STARES AT BANDAGE

BANDAGE DISCOMFITED. LOOKS AT BIFFERGIRL, THEN BACK TO CRONEWOMAN

BANDAGE
(PROTESTING) I don't fancy her at all.

BIFFERGIRL FLINGS SANDWICH INTO BAG, SLAMS DOWN CHANGE AND STALKS OFF.

I wonder, can any other BSGers beat this complete lack of ability to interact with the human race?

*Not sure if 'biffer' is in common parlance outside Liverpool. Perhaps 'moose'?

LOL!! Unlucky! made me laugh though.

Haha!

Excellent.

Did you enjoy the sandwich, or did they ruin it for you?

Quote: zooo @ July 8 2008, 12:42 PM BST

Haha!

Excellent.

Did you enjoy the sandwich, or did they ruin it for you?

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While I'm no Leevil, it would take a lot more than that to ruin my sandwich.

Hurrah!

I think you can go in there again, if she's a true 'biffer', all the men who've insinuated such probably blur into one.

Perhaps she's just a biffer to me. I'd hate to speak on behalf of my gender.

Oh dear Graham... you poor thing!

*snigger*

Sigh why is life funnier than anything I write?

Try tlaking loudly about Sound of Music, curtains, and how nice John Barrowman is.

They'll think you're gay!

Doh!!! I can relate though, I am pretty socially inept.

My worse social f**k up was in a Maths lesson at school. We had this trendy student teacher helping out, going from table to table. I was having one of my day dreams when he came over and asked me (in his young hip trendy way) "How's it hanging?"

As I snapped out of my day dream my brain must have tried to fill in the blanks of the conversation that I'd missed. So I just assumed he'd asked me how the work was going. To which I replied "It's quite hard actually".

Cue bewildered looking teacher, friends in hysterics and trip to the Headmasters office for young Pie.

That's not a faux pas, it's a cock up.

Yes Graham I can beat that. This is my story.

I used to be a Fingerprint Expert, a what? I hear you ask. Basically I examined fingerprints from scenes of crime and found out who dunnit. I also on occassion had to take fingerprints from dead bodies in mortuaries in order to either identify them or 'prove' identity.

OK here we go.......

A man killed himself in Chelmsford Prison, and whilst everyone is always confident about who is who, as part of the 'confirmation ticking' exercise, fingerprints are taken from the deceased and checked with those held on record to PROVE conclusively that evryone is on the same page so to speak.

I did so, noting that this particular individual had a tattoo on his arm proudly advertising his loyalty to Stoke City FC.

Upon leaving the mortuary, I quipped to the junior colleague who was attending with me "Huh, no wonder he killed himself, being a Stoke City fan"

Immediately a car with three women each smoking a fag with the window down burst into tears and uncontrollable wailing.

Yes you guessed it, this was the car containing the grieving relatives waiting to 'Identify' the body, hoping beyond hope that a terrible mistake had been made and it was in fact not their loved one that had been found swinging in his cell earlier that day.

To make matters worse our cars were parked next to eachother, so close in fact that I had to squezze in between them to gain access to my vehicle. I drove outta there like a F1 driver on the starting grid!

This was not my finest hour, and I felt genuine embarrassment and anxiety at the time, but my god I've dined out on it a few times since

Oh god Matt! That's awful!

I know, and Stoke haven't improved since!

Bloody cool job though!

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ July 8 2008, 1:11 PM BST

This was not my finest hour, and I felt genuine embarrassment and anxiety at the time, but my god I've dined out on it a few times since

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Splendid!