Clearing out an old computer I found this on the hard drive...
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Seats in all parts.
Episode One: Closure.
SCENE 1: INT. STAGE DOOR, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - MORNING. [9:15]
THE STAGE DOOR AREA IS SHABBY. PETE, THE STAGE DOORMAN, IS SEATED IN HIS LITTLE OFFICE. A GREASY LOOKING INDIVIDUAL IN HIS LATE 40’S
HE IS WATCHING A PORTABLE TELEVISION.
THE SCREEN IS HIDDEN FROM VIEW, RHYTHMIC THWACKING AND THE LOW GRUNTS, GROANS, AND OCCASIONAL SQUEALS OF TWO WOMEN CAN BE HEARD
COMING FROM IT.
MR WHILFREID, THE THEATRE MANGER, ENTERS FROM THE STREET. HE IS IN HIS LATE 50’S, IMMACULATELY DRESSED IN SUIT AND TIE AND HAS WHITE
HAIR STYLED INTO AN ELABORATE COMB-OVER THAT RESEMBLES AN ICE-CREAM.
MR WHILFREID:
(STOPPING AT PETE’S DOOR) Good morning Peter.
PETE SCRAMBLES TO TURN THE TELEVISION OFF.
PETE:
Mornin’ Mr Whilfreid.
MR WHILFREID:
Was that the ladies tennis?
PETE:
Err…Yes… that’s what it was. The ladies tennis.
PETE HANDS MR WHILFREID A PILE OF POST.
PETE: (CONT)
You’re in with the larks this morning
.
MR WHILFREID:
(LOOKING THROUGH THE POST.) I want check on a few things before this afternoons press conference.
PETE:
Oh yes, the annual announcement to the numb-nut from The Chronicle.
MR WHILFREID:
I’ll have you know that this year I am to be interviewed by Miss Ginger Burrows.
PETE:
Her with big hair, from Looking Up Down Your Way? I wondered why you where wearing your Saturday Matinee suit.
Why is she honouring us with her presence?
MR WHILFREID:
She’s coming to discuss the availability of the arts in this region.
PETE:
Then why is she coming here?
MR WHILFREID:
We, Peter, are a centre of excellence.
PETE:
We are?
MR WHILFREID:
Yes, there’s a plaque in the foyer that says so.
Peter, where there any problems Saturday afternoon?
PETE:
No Mr Whilfreid. Why, were you expecting some?
MR WHILFREID:
No, it’s just that The Amazing Gustavo and Wendy complained about a funny smell in their dressing room on Saturday night.
PETE:
Funny smell?
MR WHILFREID:
Yes, funny smell. They said that it smelt as though some one had been wrestling in there.
PETE:
Wrestling? I’ll look into it.
MR WHILFREID:
Thank you Peter.
MR WHILFREID EXITS.
PETE MOVES TO A P.A. SYSTEM AND FLICKS A COUPLE OF SWITCHES.
SCENE 2: INT. DRESSING ROOM, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS.
THE DRESSING ROOM APPEARS TO BE EMPTY.
PETE: (O.O.V. OVER TANNOY)
Mr Whippy has entered the building. This is not a drill.
A TARTY WOMAN’S HEAD APPEARS FROM THE FLOOR. SHE WIPES HER MOUTH.
PETE: ( CONT. O.O.V. OVER TANNOY)
I repeat, Mr Whippy has entered the building. This is not a drill.
TARTY WOMAN: (TO UNSEEN PERSON)
Come on love, quick as you can.
THE TARTY WOMAN’S HEAD DISAPPEARS DOWNWARDS.
SCENE 3: INT. BOX OFFICE, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - MORNING - MOMENTS LATER.
THE BOX OFFICE IS A LONG NARROW ROOM, CRAMPED, AIRLESS AND DILAPIDATED. THE WALLS ARE LINED WITH CUBBY-HOLES FULL OF TICKETS BOOKS. A
WORK TOP RUNS AROUND THE ROOM.
47 YEAR OLD DEREK MUNNERY, THE BOX OFFICE MANAGER, IS SEATED AT ONE OF THE TWO BOX OFFICE WINDOWS WORKING METICULOUSLY ON A PILE OF
SEATING PLANS. HE HAS OPENED THE SHUTTERS SO THAT HE CAN LOOK ACROSS THE FOYER AND OUT ONTO THE SEA FRONT.
32 YEAR OLD TONIE ROSE ENTERS THE ROOM. HE IS TANNED, TONED AND DESIGNER CASUAL.
TONIE:
Morning boss, have you seen it out there? The sea is as flat as Johnny Depp’s stomach and Mr sun is shinning down.
DEREK:
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) No need to ask how you are then.
TONIE:
I’m a bit stiff actually.
DEREK:
Over did it up the gym last night?
TONIE:
Yes, but I think he said his name was Bob.
To be honest I took one too many Viagra’s. I’m quite worried, is it possible to catch rigor mortis before you die?
DEREK:
You’re going to hell you know.
TONIE:
Quite possibly, but at least I’m having fun on the way.
DEREK:
Have you no shame?
TONIE:
Yes, I don’t tell people I work here for starters.
DEREK:
You do know you don’t catch rigor mortis?
TONIE:
Don’t you. Are you Sure? You should have seen me this morning, trying to have a wee. It’s a good thing I do yoga.
DEREK LOOKS DISGUSTED, THEN RETURNS TO MARKING HIS PLANS.
SCENE 4: EXT. STAGE DOOR, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS.
PETE IS STANDING IN THE OPEN DOORWAY SMOKING . HE GLANCES BEHIND HIM, INTO THE THEATRE, HE STEPS TO ONE SIDE AND A MAN EXITS THE
BUILDING. THE MAN LOOKS FURTIVELY UP AND DOWN THE ALLEY, NODS TO PETE, WHO NODS A REPLY, THE MAN THEN PULLS UP HIS COLLAR AND LEAVES.
THE TARTY WOMAN APPEARS IN THE DOORWAY, SHE HANDS PETE A WAD OF MONEY AND LEAVES. PETE COUNTS THE CASH AND THEN STUFFS IT IN A
POCKET, HE STUBS THE CIGARETTE OUT AND ENTERS THE THEATRE.
SCENE 5: INT. BOX OFFICE, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - DAY 1. MORNING. CONTINUOUS.
DEREK WORKS ON THE PLANS. TONIE IS MAKING TWO MUGS OF TEA.
ANDREW BERRY APPEARS AT THE OPEN BOX OFFICE WINDOW. ONLY HIS HEAD AND SHOULDERS ARE VISIBLE THROUGH THE BARS. HE IS 22 YEARS OLD AND
GOOD LOOKING.
ANDREW TAPS ON THE COUNTER.
ANDREW:
Excuse me.
DEREK DOES NOT LOOK UP BUT POINTS TO A HAND MADE SIGN THAT READS "WINDOW CLOSED, PLEASE USE NEXT WINDOW."
ANDREW CROSSES TO THE NEXT WINDOW AND FINDS A SIMILAR SIGN. HE RETURNS TO THE FIRST WINDOW.
ANDREW: (CONT)
Excuse me.
DEREK:
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) We’re shut.
ANDREW:
Sorry?
DEREK:
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) That’s okay. Come back at ten o’clock, we’ll be open then.
ANDREW:
No, I…
DEREK:
(LOOKS UP) What part of the sentence, "We’re shut", don’t you understand?
ANDREW:
Well.. err.. I..
DEREK:
Let’s try again. We are closed, as in, not open for business, as in, go away and come back in half an hour.
ANDREW:
But, the thing is…
DEREK:
Look, is the building on fire?
ANDREW:
No.
DEREK:
Are you here to present me with a cheque for a large amount of money?
ANDREW:
No.
DEREK:
Then go away. Some of us are trying to work here.
ANDREW:
But that’s the thing, I’m meant to be working here.
DEREK:
Where?
ANDREW:
Here.
DEREK:
What, out there?
ANDREW:
No, in there.
DEREK:
In here?
ANDREW:
Yes.
DEREK:
No.
ANDREW:
Yes.
DEREK:
Since when?
ANDREW:
Since now.
DEREK:
No your not.
ANDREW:
Yes, I am. I’m Andrew Berry.
DEREK:
And I’m Derek Munnery, Box Office Manager, and I decide who does and doesn’t work in here.
ANDREW:
But I have a letter from Mr Whilfreid.
DEREK:
I don’t care if you have a letter from Lady Margaret Mayberry herself.
ANDREW HOLDS UP A LETTER TO THE BARS.
DEREK: (CONT)
Let me see that.
DEREK REACHES THOUGH AND SNATCHES IT OFF HIM. HE BEGINS TO READ IT.
TONIE:
This day just keeps getting better and better. I’m Tonie, with an I, E, Box Office Number Two.
TONIE REACHES THROUGH THE BARS TO SHAKE ANDREWS HAND.
TONIE: (CONT)
Firm handshake and soft skin. That’s very important in the box office, plenty of hand cream and a good grip.
DEREK TURNS TO STAND AND FINDS HIS FACE LEVEL WITH TONIE’S CROTCH.
DEREK:
Dear god… will you please remove yourself from my face.
TONIE:
Now there’s something I thought I’d never hear.
DEREK STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET TRYING TO KEEP AS FAR FROM TONIE AS IS POSSIBLE IN THE CONFINED SPACE.
DEREK:
(TO ANDREW) You, stay there.
(TO TONIE) You, sit there and get on with those seating plans.
TONIE:
(ADJUSTING HIMSELF) If you don’t mind, I think I’ll stand.
DEREK REACTS AND THEN EXITS.
SCENE 6: INT. DRESS CIRCLE BAR, THE EMPIRE THEATRE. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER.
THE BAR IS DARK AND SHABBY. DARK WOOD, BRASS FITTINGS AND WORN CARPETS.
BARBARA, THE BAR MANGER, IS IN HER MID 30’S. SHE IS BUSTY AND BUBBLY WITHOUT BEING TARTY. SHE IS STOCKTAKING BEHIND THE BAR.
HEIDI, THE HEAD USHERETTE, ENTERS. HEIDI IS 20 AND FROM DENMARK. HER HAIR, MAKE UP, AND CLOTHING ARE FLAWLESS.
BARBARA:
Ey up duck, it’s unusual to see you in before the daisies are open.
HEIDI:
Apparently I am the only person in this building who is capable of counting ice-creams.
HEIDI YAWNS.
BARBARA:
That’s not a good start.
HEIDI:
I have been up from five o’clock.
BARBARA:
Whatever for?
HEIDI:
To be preparing my hair and makeup.
BARBARA:
What? I couldn’t be doing with that. In and out of the shower, two cups of coffee, three fags and a bit of lippy if I have time.
HEIDI:
Yes, but are lucky Barbara. You are not caring what you look like.
BARBARA:
That’s what I like about you duck, you speak plainer than a Sunday roast.
HEIDI:
Barbara, you are a worldly woman, yes?
BARBARA:
Aye, well, I’ve scooped out a few bath-fulls in my time.
HEIDI:
I am thinking my… err… pussy? It is catching the thrush.
BARBARA:
Oh you poor love, it’s not nice is it. Have you tried tying a bell to it?
HEIDI:
I had thought perhaps there where some tablets or a cream, but this, tying a bell to it, works?
BARBARA:
Every time. My first husband swore by it, and the bigger the better.
HEIDI:
Very well, I will try it.
HEIDI LOOKS AT HER WATCH.
HEIDI: (CONT)
I had better go. If I am late the deliveryman gets impatient and is mishandling my Jubbly’s.
HEIDI EXITS.
SCENE 7: INT. MR WHILFREID’S OFFICE, THE EMPIRE THEATRE. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER.
THE OFFICE IS LARGE AND UNDER THE DUST AND CHAOS THERE IS A HINT OF FADED GRANDEUR. THE WALLS ARE COVERED WILL OLD SHOW POSTERS, PLAY
BILLS ETC. THERE ARE SEVERAL LARGE FILING CABINETS.
MR WHILFREID IS SORTING THE POST, SEATED BEHIND A LARGE OAK DESK.
DEREK BURSTS IN WAVING ANDREW’S LETTER
DEREK:
What is this?
MR WHILFREID:
Peace in our time?
DEREK:
What? No. What’s the meaning of this? This dagger wedged between my shoulder blades.
MR WHILFREID:
I suppose it could deliver a nasty paper cut.
DEREK:
You’re not going to try and deny it then?
MR WHILFREID:
Deny what?
DEREK:
You snake in the grass. You Quisling, you Benedict Arnold, you Judas, you… you… you Jezebel.
MR WHILFREID:
Let me have a look.
MR WHILFREID TAKES THE LETTER.
MR WHILFREID: (CONT)
Oh yes, Andrew.
DEREK:
So you admit it. How dare you hire people to work in my, my box office?
MR WHILFREID:
Did you not get the memo about him?
DEREK:
When did you start sending memos?
MR WHILFREID:
When I realised this theatre needed bringing into the twenty-first century.
DEREK:
The nineteenth century would be a good start.
MR WHILFREID:
Anyway, it was not me. I had my orders…
MR WHILFREID POINTS UPWARDS.
DEREK:
From God?
MR WHILFREID:
No, lady Margaret.
DEREK: (POINTING UP)
The roof?
MR WHILFREID NODS.
DEREK: (CONT)
The seagulls?
MR WHILFREID NODS. HE HANDS THE LETTER BACK TO DEREK.
MR WHILFREID:
My hands are tied. It’s a fait accompli.
Now, if you’ll excuse me I have bigger fish to fry.
DEREK:
Oh yes, your fifteen minutes of fame.
MR WHILFREID:
My what? Oh that. No my main concern at the moment is this.
MR WHILFREID HANDS DEREK A LETTER.
MR WHILFREID: (CONT)
I received that from the council this morning.
DEREK:
Are they still threatening action over Mrs Tiverton’s sacks?
MR WHILFREID:
Worse, they’ve withdrawn their annual grant.
DEREK:
Is that bad?
MR WHILFREID:
It was one of the few things keeping us afloat.
DEREK:
We’re sunk then?
MR WHILFREID:
Not quite, but if you have Wellingtons I’d start wearing them.
DEREK:
Hang on. Couldn’t you use this Looking Up Down Your Way interview to gain some public support.
MR WHILFREID:
No, lady Margaret wants it kept quiet until she’s had chance to speak with The Board.
DEREK:
Do you know when that will be?
MR WHILFREID:
She went up to the roof, with two buckets of fish guts, about ten minutes ago so I’m not expecting her back for at least an hour.
DEREK:
I suppose I’ll get a memo when she announces her decision.
MR WHILFREID:
As Box Office Manager you’ll know as soon as I do. In the meantime I’d appreciate it if you kept mum.
DEREK:
Don’t worry. What’s said in this office stays in this office.
SCENE 8: INT. DRESS CIRCLE BAR, EMPIRE THEATRE. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER.
DEREK CROSSES THE BAR ON HIS WAY BACK TO THE BOX OFFICE.
BARBARA APPEARS FROM BEHIND/UNDER THE BAR.
BARBARA:
Well?
DEREK:
(STOPPING) Well what?
BARBARA:
What did Mr Whippy have to say about the grant?
DEREK:
(HISSING) How do you know about that?
BARBARA:
Creepy Pete.
DEREK:
How does he know?
BARBARA:
He steams opens the post.
DEREK:
Who else knows?
BARBARA:
That’s it as far as I know.
DEREK:
Good, Lady Margaret is with the board now.
BARBARA:
Fish guts or bread?
DEREK:
Fish guts.
BARBARA:
We should know soon then.
DEREK:
Yes, but until then lets keep mum.
BARBARA:
My lips are sealed tighter than a submariners stopcock.
DEREK EXITS.
SCENE 9: INT- CORRIDORS AND STAIRS, EMPIRE THEATRE. MORNING - CONTINUOUS.
DEREK MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THEATRE AND DOWN TO THE FOYER AND THE BOX OFFICE.
SCENE 10: INT. BOX OFFICE, THE EMPIRE THEATRE - MORNING - CONTINUOUS.
TONIE AND ANDREW ARE SAT DRINKING TEA AND CHATTING.
A FLUSTERED DEREK ENTERS.
TONIE:
When do we close then?
DEREK:
How the?...
(INDICATING ANDREW) What’s he doing in here?
TONIE:
I couldn’t leave him on the door step.
(LIKE AN EXCITED CHILD) Can we keep him? Huh? Huh? Please. I’ll look after him, honest. I’ll walk him and feed him, you won’t have to
do anything. Can we? Can we? Please?
DEREK:
Apparently, I have no say anymore.
(TO ANDREW) It seems you have friends in high places.
TONIE:
Intriguing, how high?
DEREK:
At the moment, the roof.
DEREK AND TONIE STARE AT ANDREW, WHO SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND THEN NERVOUSLY DRINKS HIS TEA.
TONIE:
So, do we still have jobs, or have I got to go back to working in the bus station toilets?
ANDREW:
I don’t see you as a cleaner.
TONIE:
I wasn’t, though I did spend a lot of time on all fours.
DEREK:
For the love of…
(TO TONIE) How did you find out?
TONIE:
Colin has just texted me.
DEREK:
How did he find out?
TONIE:
He met a serf at the weekend, who works for the council.
DEREK:
Where is he anyway?
TONIE:
He won’t be long. He’s running late.
DEREK:
He’s always running late.
TONIE:
On account that, most of the time, he thinks it’s the sixteenth century.
THERE IS A FAINT RHYTHMICAL JINGLING OF BELLS, OFF.
ANDREW:
Can you hear bells?
DEREK AND TONIE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND THEN AT ANDREW.
DEREK: (TOGETHER)
No.
TONIE: (TOGETHER)
No.
SCENE 11: INT. BOX OFFICE, EMPIRE THEATRE. MORNING - ONE HOUR LATER. [10.30]
DEREK IS WORKING ON THE SEATING PLANS.
TONIE IS ADDING UP FIGURES IN A HUGE TRIPLE ENTRY LEDGER USING AN OLD CRANK HANDLED ADDING MACHINE.
ANDREW IS SAT AT THE WORK BENCH STARING AT A PHONE. HE IS OBVIOUSLY BORED. HE SIGHS LOUDLY. AFTER A LENGTHY PAUSE HE SIGHS AGAIN.
ANDREW:
Is this it then?
DEREK:
Yes.
ANDREW:
I sit here and wait for the phone to ring?
DEREK:
Yes.
ANDREW:
But it’s not likely to ring because we’re not taking bookings yet.
DEREK:
Correct.
ANDREW:
But, if it should ring I am to say,
ANDREW PICKS UP A SCRUFFY PIECE OF CARD.
ANDREW: (CONT)
(CLEARS THROAT) Good morning slash afternoon or evening, Empire Theatre box office, insert name, speaking. I am afraid the box office
is closed at present, but it will be open to take bookings from insert day and date. Full details of the forthcoming season will be
announced shortly. Thank you.
TONIE:
You’re good, you have beautiful diction. You could be one of them voice over fellas.
ANDREW:
Why don’t you just get an answer machine?
DEREK:
Because you’re cheaper.
COLIN ENTERS. HE IS IN LATE TWENTIES, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE.
COLIN:
Good morrow good gentle folk.
TONIE:
Morning Col luv.
COLIN:
Good Sir Derek of the Box Office, please allow me to beg your forgiveness for the tardiness of my arrival.
TONIE:
Did you manage to get everything sorted?
COLIN:
Order is finally restored.
ANDREW:
I hope it wasn’t anything serious.
COLIN:
I thank you for your concern, young squire…?
TONIE:
Andrew.
COLIN:
Andrew, a noble name.
Well Andrew, my good neighbour, a man of many ideas and few talents, did this very morn have a number birds delivered, he has
aspirations to small holding. I have, this past hour, been trying to remove his cock from my back passage.
TONIE:
I didn’t know you had a rear entry.
COLIN:
It is normally stuffed full to bursting with all manner of detritus, but I and my fair lady spent a large portion of this past
weekend clearing it so that he could slip in round the back, rather than struggling in from the front.
A SPEAKING TUBE AT THE BACK OF THE OFFICE WHISTLES.
TONIE CROSS TO THE TUBE AND PULLS OUT THE WHISTLE/BUNG.
TONIE:
(INTO SPEAKING TUBE) Box office.
TONIE HOLDS THE TUBE TO HIS EAR.
TONIE:
Yes… uh-hu… uh-hu… okey-dokey, straight away.
TONIE REPLACES THE BUNG AND HANGS THE TUBE BACK UP.
TONIE: (CONT)
Mr Whippy would like to see us all in his office.
SCENE 12: INT. MR WHILFREID’S OFFICE. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER. [10.45]
DEREK, TONIE, COLIN, ANDREW, BARBARA AND PETE ARE STOOD IN A ROUGH LINE IN FRONT OF MR WHILFREID’S DESK.
MR WHILFREID IS SEATED BEHIND HIS DESK.
MR WHILFREID:
Where’s Mrs Tiverton?
PETE:
She’s hooking chewing gum out of the Upper Circle urinals.
MR WHILFREID:
I’ll speak to her later then.
PETE:
Just don’t accept the Wrigley’s when she offers it.
MR WHILFREID:
(BEAT) Right, I’ve called you all here…
BARBARA:
Hold on chuck, pop the lid back on the sandwich box and re-cork your thermos, where’s Heidi?
MR WHILFREID:
She’s having problems with the ice-cream man, he’s got crushed nuts and Funny Feet but no Sparkle.
TONIE:
That’s hardly surprising.
MR WHILFREID:
If I may continue? Thank you.
I’ve called you all here to quash the rumours that are at present running round the building.
BARBARA:
The only thing running in this building are the mice.
PETE:
And Mrs Tiverton’s sores.
MR WHILFREID:
Thank you. Lady Margaret has finished her meeting with the board, but until she has met with the accountants…
PETE:
(ASIDE) That’ll be trip to the sand dunes then.
MR WHILFREID:
( IGNORING PETE’S REMARK) …Until she has met with the accountants, she will not be making any decisions as to the future of the
theatre.
DEREK:
We could still lose our jobs then?
MR WHILFREID:
I’m am convinced it will not come to that.
TONIE:
You convince easily then. I’ll send my Sammy round to your house, he’s trying to get into double glazing.
BARBARA:
He must be very thin.
MR WHILFREID:
If we could stick to the topic, thank you.
DEREK:
The floor is yours Mr Whilfreid.
PETE:
(ASIDE) Unlike his hair and teeth.
MR WHILFREID:
As you are aware I will be announcing this season forthcoming attractions.
COLIN:
I pray there is something with cultural bent in this years programme.
BARBARA:
We had culture last year.
COLIN:
Les Dennis Does Dickens, is not what I had in mind.
MR WHILFREID HANDS OUT SOME PHOTOCOPIED PRESS RELEASES.
MR WHILFREID:
I fear you will be sorely disappointed then Colin.
TONIE:
I see we’ve got Aggie and Kim, again.
BARBARA:
I hope she has more control over that dog this year.
PETE:
She’d better have, or that mutt had better have more control over it’s bladder. There’s still a funny smell in the Green Room.
TONIE:
It’s a different Kim.
BARBARA:
Really?
TONIE:
Yes. My Sammy knows Aggie’s daughter’s boyfriend’s niece’s neighbour.
BARBARA:
She’s not had the old bitch put down?
TONIE:
No she retired her, she got too slow.
They were at some holiday camp just outside Filey and had got to the fire juggling bit…
DEREK:
Johnny Cash, Ring of Fire?
TONIE:
The very same…
BARBARA:
I loved that bit last year.
TONIE:
Well, apparently, Aggie tossed one off, Kim leapt but not fast enough.
BARBARA:
What happened?
TONIE:
Half a million pounds worth of damage and Aggie now has to draw her eyebrows on.
DEREK:
(LOOKING AT PRESS RELEASE) Mrs Tiverton’s not going to be happy.
ANDREW:
Why?
DEREK:
Aled’s back. Two weeks this time.
ANDREW:
Doesn’t she like him?
COLIN:
She doesn’t like his fans.
ANDREW:
Rowdy?
TONIE:
Old.
PETE:
Cost her a fortune in upholstery cleaner.
TONIE:
Those that don’t wee themselves in the excitement normally get wet with excitement.
MR WHILFREID:
Thank you Tonie.
Well I’ve got things I need to be getting on with and I’m sure all of you have to.
ALL:
No.
MR WHILFREID:
Two words, (BEAT) out.
DEREK, BARBARA, PETE, COLIN AND ANDREW START TO LEAVE.
MR WHILFREID: (CONT)
Not you Andrew, I was hoping you could lend me a hand.
TONIE:
(TO ANDREW) Watch him, he looks old but he’s nippy on his feet.
BARBARA, DEREK, PETE, COLIN AND TONIE EXIT.
ANDREW BACKS NERVOUSLY TOWARDS A WALL, HANDS COVERING CROTCH.
SCENE 13: INT. DRESS CIRCLE BAR. MORNING - MOMENTS LATER. [11.00]
BARBARA IS BEHIND THE BAR. AS SHE TALKS SHE OPENS AND HANDS TONIE AND COLIN A BOTTLE OF LAGER EACH, SHE THEN POURS VERY LARGE GIN AND
TONICS FOR HERSELF AND DEREK.
BARBARA:
Well, that was about as much use as a sun bed to a vampire.
COLIN:
Vex yourself not fair lady.
BARBARA:
That’s easy for you to say.
TONIE:
I don’t think anyone else would want to try.
COLIN:
I mean, don’t overly concern yourself.
BARBARA:
Don’t overly concern myself?
In case you hadn’t noticed we’re about to lose our jobs.
TONIE:
I think Colin means he has a plan.
DEREK:
A plan?
COLIN:
A plan.
DEREK, BARBARA AND TONIE STARE AT COLIN.
COLIN: (CONT)
Why for art thou gawping?
DEREK, BARBARA, TONIE:
The plan?
COLIN:
Yes.
TONIE:
What is it?
COLIN:
What is what?
DEREK, BARBARA, COLIN:
The plan.
COLIN:
We have a plan?
DEREK:
No. we thought you had a plan.
COLIN:
Why would I have a plan?
DEREK:
Because you said, don’t worry.
TONIE:
He actually said, "Vex yourself not…"
DEREK:
I know what he said.
Do you or don’t you have a plan?
COLIN:
No.
DEREK:
Right.
(BEAT) We need a plan.
DEREK, BARBARA, TONIE AND COLIN DRINK. THEY THINK IN SILENCE.
TONIE:
We could….
THE OTHERS LOOK AT HIM.
TONIE: (CONT)
No.
THEY RETURN TO THINKING IN SILENCE.
BARBARA:
I could…
THEY ALL LOOK AT HER. SHE TRAILS OFF AND SHAKES HER HEAD.
THEY THINK IN SILENCE.
COLIN:
(SUDDENLY) An army is nought if it fights for only itself.
THEY STARE AT HIM.
COLIN: (CONT)
(BY WAY OF EXPLANATION) An army that marches alone dies in solitude.
THEY CONTINUE TO STARE NONPLUSSED.
COLIN: (CONT)
We need some camp followers.
DEREK AND BARBARA TURN TO TONIE.
TONIE:
I suppose me and Sammy could get together a little fan club.
COLIN:
No.
We need to garner public support for our cause.
BARBARA:
How?
TONIE:
My Sammy knows a lad, who has the number of a fella, who lives with a woman whose daughter works on reception at The Chronicle.
DEREK:
No, no, no, if we go to the papers then we will lose our jobs.
THEY THINK AND DRINK IN SILENCE.
COLIN:
(SUDDENLY) Television!
DEREK, TONIE AND BARBARA LOOK AT HIM.
COLIN: (CONT)
I have a plan.
TONIE:
Now he has a plan.
SCENE 14: INT. BOX OFFICE. AFTERNOON - ONE HOUR LATER. [12.00]
DEREK, TONIE AND COLIN ARE CROWDED TOGETHER LOOKING OUT OF ONE OF THE BOX OFFICE WINDOWS.
ANDREW ENTERS AND JOINS THEM. HE ATTEMPTS TO SEE PAST THEM.
ANDREW:
In the words of Marvin Gaye, what’s goin’ on?
DEREK:
(WITHOUT TURNING ROUND) In the words of Joe Dolce, shaddup your face.
COLIN:
(CHECKING WATCH) Where is she?
ANDREW:
What are we looking at?
TONIE:
(POINTING) Across the road, in front of the railings along the sea wall.
ANDREW:
That’s horrible, what is it?
DEREK:
That is Mrs Tiverton.
ANDREW:
Why is she dressed like a tramp?
DEREK, TONIE AND COLIN TURN TO LOOK AT ANDREW.
COLIN:
She’s not.
THEY ALL TURN BACK TO THE WINDOW.
TONIE:
What did Mr Whippy want with you?
ANDREW:
He’s got me sorting through his drawers.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HIM.
ANDREW: (CONT)
In his filing cabinets.
I’ve got to move some of them down to the basement. Any idea where I can get one of those porters trolleys?
TONIE:
Talk to Creepy Pete on the stage door.
PETE ENTERS.
COLIN:
Speak of the devil and he shall appear.
PETE:
Here we go.
PETE HOLDS UP AN ENORMOUS PAIR OF HI-TECH BINOCULARS. HE OPENS THE OTHER BOX OFFICE WINDOW.
PETE: (CONT)
These should help.
DEREK:
Why do you have those?
PETE:
(SETTING UP A TELESCOPIC SUPPORT LEG) Bird watching.
TONIE:
Where?
PETE:
The dunes.
ANDREW:
Do you see much?
PETE:
(FOCUSING THE BINOCULARS ACROSS THE ROAD) Tits mainly.
BARBARA ENTERS CARRYING A TRAY OF BOTTLED LAGERS.
BARBARA:
Have I missed anything?
COLIN:
Nay, fair maid. The trap is set and the dogs are straining at the leash.
TONIE:
Mrs Tiverton is across the road and we’re waiting for Ginger Burrows to arrive.
