SCENE 5: EXT - ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE ZEITGEIST NIGHTCLUB.- NIGHT - 21.15 FUGITIVE HAS JUST MET SEAN.
FUGITIVE: (RUBBING HIS HANDS)
Feelin’ lucky tonight Malone, is tonight going to finally be the night?
SEAN:
It is indeed Fugitive, I can feel it in me waters. Tonight is the night when Sean Malone’s two year drought ends and some curvy Mama takes him home.
FUGITIVE:
That’s the spirit, with an attitude like that you might just get laid.
THEY CROSS THE STREET AND TWO BOUNCERS PUT THEIR ARM UP TO STOP THEM FROM ENTERING.
BOUNCER#1:
I don’t think so gents.
SEAN LOOKS QUIZZICALLY AT FUGITIVE.
SEAN:
I think you got the wrong end of the stick gentlemen, we’re regulars.
BOUNCER#2:
You’re not getting in.
SEAN: (LAUGHING)
Really? May I ask why?
BOUNCER#1: (LOOKING THE TWO OF THEM UP AND DOWN)
It’s the dress sense….it’s not appropriate.
SEAN:
Listen, who the f**k are you pair, anyway? Where’s Carlton and Derrick? They normally do the door here.
BOUNCER#2:
Carlton and Derrick are attending a Stag party in Liverpool, not that it’s any of your business.
FUGITIVE:
Listen lads, I can assure ye we’re regulars here. We’ve been comin’ here years for God’s sake.
BOUNCER#1:
You’re still not getting in.
SEAN: (STEPPING FORWARD, POINTING AT HIM)
Now listen you twat, you go fetch one of the staff in there and you get them to vouch for us. And when we get in there, which we inevitably will, I’ll be raising this little matter with Dario, the owner.
BOUNCER#1 NARROWS HIS EYES AT SEAN BUT IGNORES HIM.
SEAN:
That’s a nice bristling moustache you’ve got there squire, you’re not in a Village People tribute band are ye?
HE THEN TURNS TO BOUNCER#2.
SEAN:
And as for you, I don’t know whether you look like Robert Maxwell or f**king Bela Lugosi?
BOTH BOUNCERS CONTINUE TO IGNORE HIM.
FUGITIVE:
I was more thinking they look like the geezers from the Macarena.
SEAN: (KEELING OVER LAUGHING)
You got it Fugitive! You are a f**king genius. That’s who they are: Los Del Rio.
THE BOUNCERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, UNAMUSED. SEAN AND FUGITIVE BURST INTO A RENDITION OF MACARENA, DOING MOCK FLAMENCO DANCING. A BARMAN APPEARS AT THE DOOR.
BARMAN:
Guys, we got a problem in the gents.
THE BOUNCERS TURN AND HURRY INTO THE NITECLUB. SEAN SMILES AT FUGITIVE AND THEY SNEAK IN BEHIND THEM.
SCENE 6. : INT - ZEITGEIST NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT - 21.25 - SEAN AND FUGITIVE ARE ON THE EDGE OF THE DANCEFLOOR. THEY ARE BOTH DRINKING BOTTLED BEER. “BEST OF MY LOVE” BY THE EMOTIONS IS PLAYING.
FUGITIVE:
See anything you like Malone?
SEAN:
I like each and every one of them if the truth be told.
FUGITIVE:
Well, I’ll back ye up, ye know…..if ye wanna chat some bird up…...though as you know, I am spoken for.
SEAN:
Fugitive, I couldn’t ask for a better wingman than your good self. No, the key to this pulling malarkey is honing in on the right type of birds. We don’t want these WAG dollybirds only into guys with money. No, we need to look for the more discerning types who enjoy a bit of banther with men of the world like ourselves.
FUGITIVE:
We’re no spring chickens Sean.
SEAN:
Nonsense, you’re as young as the girl you feel. A lot of women flock to the older man. We got experience, we’ve been around the block. I was reading in a magazine that reminiscing on old TV programmes is a good way of breaking the ice.
FUGITIVE:
Well f**king go on then. There’s a couple of likely lasses right there.
SEAN: (SWALLOWING)
Allright all right, leave it to me.
A WORRIED LOOKING SEAN WALKS OVER TO TWO GIRLS IN THEIR LATE TWENTIES.
SEAN:
Evening ladies.
THE GIRLS TURN TO EACH OTHER AND SMILE.
SEAN:
Sorry to bother you but me and my friend Fugitive were wondering if you were old enough to remember Bullseye.
GIRL#1:
I think I know the name.
SEAN:
Do you remember Bully’s prize board?(THEATRICALLY) “In One”: We have a decanter and glasses….. “In two”: we have his and her stylish watches. “In three: We have Scalextrix…for the kids, for the kids.
THE TWO GIRLS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, PERPLEXED.
SEAN:
But Bully’s special prize was always a speedboat. Wasn’t it? I mean, two geezers living in the arse end of Rochdale and what do they give them as a prize? A f**king speedboat! I mean, what way would that work in reality? One geezer has half a speedboat on blocks in his driveway and the guy across the street has the other f**king half.
SEAN WAITS FOR THE GIRLS TO LAUGH BUT THEY JUST TURN AND QUICKLY WALK AWAY SNIGGERING ACROSS THE DANCEFLOOR.
FUGITIVE:
Well?
SEAN: (LOOKING ANGRY)
F**k them! Pair of bloody cows.
FUGITIVE: (WAVING)
Look, there’s Chicken Tonight. Haven’t seen him in ages.
SEAN:
Ah for f**k sake, don’t invite that Loo-Lah over.
FUGITIVE:
No, ye don’t understand. He’s able to sort us out with a bag of meat. He’s doin’ deliveries to all the take-aways.
SEAN:
He can shove his bag of meat up his f**kin’ arse.
CHICKEN TONIGHT STROLLS OVER TO THEM WITH HIS MOBILE IN HIS HAND. HE IS IN HIS LATE THIRTIES AND IS CALLED CHICKEN TONIGHT ON ACCOUNT OF HIS CHARACTERISTIC CHICKEN DANCE.
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
Check this out, I can video people now on me new mobile.
FUGTIVE: (EXAMINING PHONE)
That’s great Chicken? Was it expensive?
SEAN:
They can all do that now.
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
I got it as a present from me sister. She won the Lotto.
SEAN:
And all you got was a lousy mobile?
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
Here check this one out.
HE SHOWS FUGITIVE AN EROTIC VIDEO ON HIS MOBILE.
FUGITIVE:
Christ, I’ve never seen anything like that in me flamin’ life. How come, there’s two blokes involved?
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
This one’s the best. I did it tonight.
SEAN:
But that’s here, that’s the Zeitgeist.
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
I know, these two birds were getting’ it on in that corner and they thought nobody was watching them.
SEAN:
Disgusting…..there’s laws against that you know.
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
I’ve been videoin’ birds all week. Some of the lads were saying I was quite good at it…said I should do it professional like. I mean, me skin and blisters could back me up with a few quid.
SEAN:
Beats delivering bags of meat, eh?
CHICKEN TONIGHT:
Anyway, I think I spot a bit of action on the dancefloor. See you around gents.
HE DOES HIS CHICKEN TONIGHT DANCE AND HEADS TO THE OTHER END OF THE DANCEFLOOR.
FUGITIVE:
He’s a bit of gas, isn’t he?
SEAN:
He’s a creep. He’s the type of lowlife creep that gets men a bad name. Is it any wonder the women in here won’t talk with ghouls like that on the loose.
FUGITIVE:
Look, all I’m doing is staying in his good books so he’ll sort me out with a bag of meat.
SEAN:
Oh f**k him and his bag of poxy meat! I mean, you can bet it’s the cheapest, mingin’ dogmeat you can get.
FUGTIVE:
Nah, ye don’t understand, he gets the best. I mean, it goes to all the restaurants…..dunno what you’ve got against him, I mean a bag of meat goes a long way.
SEAN:
It’s depressing! Ok? It’s f**king depressing, a bag of meat. I can’t believe me Saturday nights are reduced to grovelling to a pervert like Chicken Tonight for a bag of bleedin’ meat.
FUGITIVE:
Oh, is that all the thanks I get?
SEAN:
What are you talking about?
FUGITIVE:
Look, I didn’t have to come here tonight ye know. I’d be glad to chill out back and watch Match of the Day but no, I decided to come and keep ye company here tonight.
SEAN:
Yeah, well ye didn’t have to.
FUGITIVE:
Yeah, well ye didn’t seem to getting very far with those birds you were chattin’ up. They blew ye out before you could say Jim Bowen.
SEAN:
Oh sod off, I don’t need your sympathy.
SEAN STORMS OFF.
SCENE 7 - INT ZEITGEIST NITECLUB - NIGHT 23.45. SEAN IS DOWNING SPIRITS AT THE BAR. HE DOWNS ONE AFTER ANOTHER AND HE GETS DRUNK HIS FACE CONTORTS INTO AN UGLY CARICATURE OF ITSELF. HE STORMS UP TO SOME GIRLS ON THE DANCEFLOOR.
SEAN: (TO YOUNG GIRL)
Here you!…Do ye wanna dance?
THE GIRL SHAKES HER HEAD. SEAN HOLDS UP HIS ARM AND MAKING A FACE, POPS HIS BICEP. THE GIRL WALKS OFF. HE THEN APPROACHES SEVERAL OTHER GIRLS, DOING THE SAME THING ; POPPING HIS BICEP IN A MOCK MACHO GESTURE. MOST WOMEN WALK OFF IN DISGUST BUT OLDER WOMAN WITH A MULLET ACTUALLY SMILES AND POPS HER BICEP. SHE SMILES BUT SEAN IS TOO DRUNK TO REALISE SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL BODYBUILDER.
MUSCLE WOMAN: (NORTHERN ACCENT)
Now you’re what I call a real man.
SEAN: (BLEARY-EYED, DRUNK)
Well, I’m not a f**king hologram luv.
MUSCLE WOMAN:
Hah! I see ye got a sense of humour too. You’re the first real man I’ve met since I got here. These southern men are all a bunch of chuffin’ wimps…..with their long hair and earrings….but you, you’re the real deal.
SEAN:
Always knew I’d find a woman to appreciate me one day.
MUSCLE WOMAN:
I’m Deirdre. What’s your name chuck?
SEAN:
It’s Sean. Sean Malone. Or Malone the Moan as some people call me.
DEIRDRE:
Ye mean the ones who don’t like ye?
SEAN:
They’re the ones who do like me. I dread to think what the other f**kers say behind me back.
DEIRDRE:
Well to ‘ell with them. That’s what I say, to hell with the begrudgers. ‘ere, fancy a bag of chips? I’m flamin’ starvin.
SEAN:
I’d rather have a bag of meat.
DEIRDRE: (LAUGHING LOUDLY)
George Malone, you are chuffin’ hilarious. You’re the only funny bugger I’ve met in this shitehole of a town. Come on, lets get out of here.
SCENE 8 : EXT - BLACK CAB - 00.40. THEY ARE ON THEIR WAY BACK TO HOTEL IN EARLS COURT WHERE DEIRDRE IS STAYING. SEAN IS ON THE VERGE OF FALLING ASLEEP.
DEIRDRE: (ANGRILY TO CABBIE)
Here you! I hope you’re not takin’ us on a chuffin’ tour de force of London. Marble Arch was back there!
CABBIE:
This is the main route to West London.
DEIRDRE:
It bloody well better be ‘cos I wasn’t born yesterday ye know. ‘ere you(WAKING SEAN UP) tell him we’re not a bunch of flamin’ mugs.
SEAN: (LOOKING AROUND HIM)
Where am I? Where’s Fugitive?
DEIRDRE:
Oh chill out George! Yer just in a cab(ANGRILY) or should that be a chuffin’ London tour bus.
SEAN:
What’s that noise, that thumping noise?
DEIRDRE:
I were wonderin’ what that was too. It’s comin’ from the boot of the cab.(TO DRIVER) ‘ere you, what are ye ‘idin in there?
CABBIE:
It’s me spare tyre.
DEIRDRE:
I reckon it’s yer wife. ‘ere what do you think George? Do ye think he’s topped his wife and flung her in the boot of his cab?
SEAN IS FALLING ASLEEP AGAIN.
DEIRDRE:
Ye didn’t ye? Ye topped yer Missus. Ye put her in the boot to get rid of her. It was all going to plan until ye picked us up ‘cos yer like the rest of these southern gits, yer tight as a fishes arse.
THE CABBIE HAS HIS GAZE FIXED ON THE ROAD, IGNORING HER. DEIRDRE GOES TO LIGHT UP A CIGARETTE.
CABBIE:
Ye can’t smoke in the cab.
DEIRDRE:
Bollocks to you and yer cab! I’ll smoke if I flamin’ well like. What will ye do, fling me in the boot with yer wife?
THE CABBIE STERNLY STARES AHEAD AT THE ROAD.
DEIRDRE:
‘Course, ye won’t fling me in the boot. You southern bastards are all as soft as shite. Ye wouldn’t know a real man if he crawled up yer arse and bit ye. Now take George ‘ere, he’s a real man. He’s a chuffin’ hard-on of a man(PUFFS CIGARETTE). Or at least he better be. That last man who let me down in that department sure learned his lesson. Fookin’ sad bastard!
SCENE 9 INT - GROTTY HOTEL - NIGHT - 01.15. SEAN HAS JUST SPLASHED SOME WATER ON HIS FACE AND FEELS MORE SOBER. DEIRDRE IS IN HER UNDERWEAR, FLEXING HER MUSCLES.
DEIRDRE:
Right George, I’m looking for a good quality jump tonight. None of this shootin’ off after five seconds malarkey, understood?
SEAN: (REALISING SHE IS A BODY BUILDER)
I think so.
DEIRDRE:
Well don’t just stand there, get your flamin’ kit off! I’m dyin’ to see if the rest of you matches up to those shapes ye were pullin’ in the disco.
SEAN:
I haven’t exactly worked out in a while.
DEIRDRE:
Not to worry George, I know there’s an animal just burstin’ to get out from under those clothes. You are a real man after all.
A NERVOUS LOOKING SEAN TAKES OFF HIS SHIRT.
DEIRDRE:
Bit less muscletone than I thought but you’ll do. I mean, who’s fussy at this hour of the flamin’ night? ‘ere, are you alright George?
SEAN: (TO HIMSELF)
I’m alright but me cock is scared shitless.
DEIRDRE: (ROOTING IN HER CIGARETTE BOX)
F**k, I got no ciggies left. What am I gonna do George, I have to have a snout after a jump, me.
SEAN: (FLASH OF INSPIRATION)
Let me get you some.
DEIRDRE:
Where are ye gonna get flamin’ ciggies at this hour?
SEAN:
24 hour city. I spotted a newsagent open when the cab pulled up.
DEIRDRE:
Allright George, but make sure you get a couple of cans of red bull. I don’t plan on us doin’ much sleepin’ tonight, know what I mean?
SEAN QUICKLY PUTS HIS CLOTHES ON AND LEAVES THE ROOM.
SCENE 10 - EXT OUTSIDE HOTEL - NIGHT - 01.20. HE SPOTS A BLACK CAB OUTSIDE. HE KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW AS THE CABBIE TURNS AROUND.
SEAN:
You again?
CABBIE:
You must be jokin’, I ain’t takin’ you pair of nutters nowhere. Sod off.
SEAN: (NERVOUSLY LOOKING UP AT THE WINDOW)
No man, you don’t understand man, she’s gone. I hardly know her, I just want to get outta here.
CABBIE:
Well I’m(LIFTING THERMOS FLASK) havin’ me break.
SEAN:
Look man you don’t understand, we’re talking life or death here. If that freak catches up with me again, she’ll probably castrate me on the spot.
THE CABBIE IGNORES HIM. DERIDRE’S HEAD POPS OUT FROM ONE OF THE WINDOWS.
DERIDRE:
‘ere George, where’s my flamin’ ciggies? What are you doin’ talkin’ to that bastard for?
CABBIE: (NERVOUSLY LOOKING UP)
Get in!
SCENE 11. INT - SEAN MALONE’S BEDSIT. NIGHT - 02.25. SEAN IS HEATING BAKED BEANS IN A SAUCEPAN.
THERE IS A KNOCK ON THE DOOR
SEAN:
Who the hell could that be?
HE WALKS TO HIS FRONT DOOR AND PUTS HIS HAND UP TO HIS FACE IN DESPAIR.
SEAN:
Oh not f**king you!…..oh Christ tell me it’s not you.
THERE IS A PINT OF GUINNESS OUTSIDE THE DOOR. THE CAMERA PANS DOWN ON THE HEAD OF THE PINT – WHICH TALKS!
PINT (GRAVELLY DUBLIN ACCENT)
Oh that’s charmin’, I pay ye a visit and ye don’t even the bleedin’ decency to invite me in.
SEAN:
What do you want anyway? I haven’t clapped eyes on you in over two years.
THE PINT OF GUINNESS FOLLOWS HIM INTO THE ROOM.
PINT:
The room’s still lookin’ a bit ropey. I think the last time you and I had words, you were threathenin’ to do the joint up.
SEAN:
Yeah, well forgive me but I didn’t think my humble abode would come under scrutiny from a pint of f**king Guinness tonight.
PINT:
Ye better watch out, yer beans are burnin’.
SEAN WHIPS THE POT OFF THE RING.
SEAN:
You don’t mind if I have a little snack, do ye? It’s just, I’ve had a bit of a traumatic night and I need to keep me stamina up.
PINT:
Don’t let me stop ye…..glad to see yer lookin’ after yerself. Beans are very healthy food. Bet ye didn’t know they contain one of yer five a day.
SEAN:
Really?
PINT:
Yeah, the sauce is the equivalent of a portion of tomatoes. Bet ye didn’t know that.
SEAN:
The font of eternal wisdom, eh?
PINT:
I know a few tricks alright, but I’m not here to blow me own trumpet. I’m here to talk about you Malone.
SEAN:
Well, what can I say? I’ve really set the world on fire since I last saw you. I’m really on a f**king upward trajectory me.
PINT:
I know, I saw it all……includin’ that minger ye nearly ended up in the sack with tonight.
SEAN:
What, you mean you saw what went on back in Earls Court?
PINT:
The whole she-bang. I mean, in all fairness Malone, I’ve seen rough lookin’ birds in my time but she took the f**kin’ digestive.
SEAN:
Beggars can’t be choosers. Do you realise how…..
PINT:
She was the female body-buildin’ champion of Lancashire in 1991….bet ye didn’t know that?
SEAN:
Hardly…. I was in no fit state to exchange life stories.
PINT:
But in all honestly Malone, I mean in all sincerity, that woman had a face like a bag of f**kin’ chisels.
SEAN:
Well, I didn’t shag her did I? I mean, I did make my getaway as soon as I got a chance.
THERE IS A PAUSE.
PINT:
How’s the oul writin’ going?
SEAN:
What do you think, I’m short listed for this years Booker.
PINT:
Not goin’ anywhere is? Failed writer in a bedsit. Runnin’ from Muscle birds called Deirdre in the middle of the night…..I dunno.
SEAN:
So that’s why you’re here is, to rub my nose in it?
PINT:
Just makin’ an observation oul son…..just kinda takin’ stock.
SEAN:
Yeah, well it’s almost half two in the morning and trust me, I’m in no mood for soul searching.
PINT:
Tell the truth, ye just want to get rid of me so ye can have a wank.
SEAN:
Yeah, as a matter of fact you’re right…..I could with a little relief after the traumas I’ve suffered tonight. Traumas I’ve suffered all me bleedin’ life.
PINT:
All right all right, I know where I’m not wanted. I mean If that’s all the hospitality ye show a fellow Dub.
SEAN:
So yer off then?
PINT:
That’s right…..for now anyway. But don’t worry, I’ll be back. Ye haven’t seen the last of Arthur Guinness here. As long as you’re on a losin’ streak Malone, you’ll never see the back of me.
SEAN: (WAVING)
Goodnight.
PINT:
And if you are plannin’ on havin’ a wank, do me a favour. Don’t think of oul Deirdre, ye might give yer willie cardiac arrest or sumpthin’.
END OF EPISODE.
