This came to me in a dream, and it follows my 8 rules pretty much.
SLOW PAN IN A RATHER RUN DOWN LOOKING COUNCIL BLOCK, WE CAN HEAR THE CONVERSATION AS IF OVER A CHEAP HEAD SET.
FRANK
I’m sneaking up on you, with my cloak of invisibility, and boots of ninja twinkle toedness.
SHEILA
Foolsih assassin, you have no chance I’m not only a paladin but I’m an elven paladin. My thermal vision, and bird like hearing is unbeatable. I’m pointing my +3 sword of eviscerating right at you.
FRANK
Ha, that was just an illusion phantasmagram of my self, foolish elven paladin did you not realise, that I am an illusionist, assassin, half Halfling. Prepared to be stabbed from behind.,
SHEILA
Err no Frank, I’m not into that, I know it’s our first anniversary. Besides having sex whilst playing Dungeons, Trolls, and Warcraft online is kinky enough for me.
WE NOW SEE WE ARE IN THE BEDROOM, FRANK IS A PLEASANT LOOKING 20 SOMETHING GEEKY SLACKER IN BED, WITH SHEILA A SURPRISINGLY ATTRACTIVE FEMALE GEEK.
FRANK IS WEARING A POINTY PAIR OF EARS, AND A PHONE HEADSET, SHEILA IS WEARING POINTIER EARS AND A PLASTIC HELMET, AND A HEADSET.
THEY HAVE 2 FANCY LOOKING LAPTOPS RUNNING, THE ROOM IS COVERED IN COMIC, MORPG STYLE POSTERS.
FRANK SUDDENLY GRABS AT HIS EAR, AND STARTS TYPING.
FRANK
It’s that bloody Thrungmar Axe-Thrash. Has the evil Wizard Aga-Ben-Mon cursed you again? You started typing funny, then yelping are you ok? You take your MORPGing very seriously, your yelping over the headset was very loud.
SHEILA IS TITTERING
SHEILA
It was me Lady Farrion Deathsrtike, I cursed his sword with my Vagina Terriblis.
FRANK TURNING OFF HEAD MIKE
FRANK
Sheila you’ll get us banned using language like that.
SHEILA
The guy has only ever seen women in Frank Frezetti paintings of Valkyries in chain mail g-strings. He wouldn’t know what a vagina terriblis was, if it bit him.
FRANK
My warrior maiden I’ve got to get to get to work.
SHEILA
You’d better make sure you’re at the convention by 15.00.
FRANK
My level 20 Pink love dragon by doing the early shift. I get the whole weekend to run around the woods and fight evil.
SHEILA
Hmm some times I don’t think you know how lucky you are to find a girl who into all this magic malarkey. Just you remember you’d take a 1000 years, and a bowl of scrying to find a girl as fine as me.
And I could…..
FRANK
Could be dating Thrungmarr Axe-Thrash tomorrow, and terrifying him with your Vagina Terriblis.
FRANK RUNS FROM THE BEDROOM AS SHEILA PELTS HIM WITH ODDLY SHAPE DICE, AND LEAD FIGURINES.
FRANK IS LETTING HIMSELF INTO A SHOP, WE DON’T GET TO SEE THE INTERIOR WELL AS IT IS DARK. HE GOES THROUGH THE POST THERE ARE SEVERAL VERY LARGE PACKAGES.
HE PICKS ONE UP AND OPENS IT.
FRANK
Frank you are a genius, firstly you pull the only girl into MORPG who doesn’t look like a gelatinous cube crossed with an ogre. Then you get her a full set of Paladin armour from e-bay, and get it delivered to work so it’s a surprise.
HE OPENS A PACKAGE, IT CONAINS A BENT SWORD, A TEA TRAY WITH SHOULDER STRAPS, COVERED IN TIN FOIL. IT HAS "I IS A PALADUN," ON IT IN MASKING TAPE.
FRANK
Curse you e-bay, by the Power of Greyskull I will be avenged!
FRANK LOOKS AT THE PACKAGE UNDERNEATH, AND UNWRAPS IT . IT CONTAINS A REALLY RATHER IMPRESSIVE SET OF ARMOUR, WITH A HUGE RED EYE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BREASTPLATE.
FRANK
Result, I think I’ll borrow this for the weekend, who’ll notice.
HE STARTS WRAPPING IT IN HEART COVERED ROMANTIC WRAPPING PAPER.
WE SEE HIM LEAVING THE SHOP, AND HEADING OVER THE ROAD TO HIS FLAT. THE SHOPS FRONT CAN BE SEEN BEHIND HIM, IT IS CALLED
"HARD ACRES, ADULT ROMANCE SHOPS, PROVIDING AMYL NITRATE SINCE 1945"
IT IS VERY CLEARLY AN OLD FASHIONED SEX SHOP, WITH PAINTED OVER WINDOWS.
FRANK REENTERS HIS FLAT WE CAN HEAR THE SHOWER GOING, SHEILA IS SINGING THE THEME TO WALKER TEXAS RANGER.
HE LEAVES THE PACKAGE, IT HAS A CARD SAYING,
"To my brave, paladin, geek proof armour,"
FRANK RETURNS TO HARDACRE’S THERE IS A VERY STERN LOOKING WOMAN WITH A BIBLE, STANDING ON A MILK CRATE OUTSIDE, SHE IS GLORIA.
GLORIA
Sinners, repent his judgementcomes, and it comes right soon. Those who will not repent will burn for ever in a lake of fire. Those who shop in this temple of Mamon, will burn for ever and a day in a lake of fire, with croutons of agony.
FRANK
Morning Gloria.
GLORIA
Your late, it’s freezing.
FRANK UNLOCKING THE DOOR
Sorry just dropping off Sheila’s present.
GLORIA
Ah, how is she? Lovely girl if you don’t buck your ideas up young man, you’ll be burning in a lake of fire, while all the Heavenly Host try to get her mobile number for all eternity.
THEY ENTER THE SHOP IT LOOKS LIKE A 1950S CORNER SHOP, STUFFED WITH PORN, SEX AIDS, JARS OF DUBIOUS OINTMENT. THE KIND OF SHOP YOU’D USUALLY BACK OUT OF QUICKLY. GREG COMES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HE IS A 50 SOMETHING GUY, IN A TANK TOP, BALD AND RED FACED. HE LOOKS LIKE THE KIND OF WHO TALKS LOUDLY ABOUT IMMIGRATION IN THE PUB.
GLORIA
Pornographer, sodomite, spreader of filth.
GREG
Morning Gloria get the kettle on love.
FRANK
Morning Greg.
GREG
Aye morning Frank, get down cellar it’s time for the, monthly strategy meeting.
GLORIA BUSTLES BY WITH A TRAY OF TEAS.
GLORIA
You won’t have a cup of tea to cool your throat when you are burning for all eternity.
FRANK
Remind me why do you work here, if you’re an evangelical 8th day Adventist?
GLORIA
Can you think of a better place to find sinners in need of saving, then a den of iniquity like this,
THEY JOIN THE MEETING IN THE BASEMENT.
GREG IS SPEAKING.
GREG
My old dad got back from the War in 1945, and I’ll never forget the horrors he described. Men reduced to strumming one out over pictures of the Queen, men with nothing but plain johnnies for years at a time. Where were the flavoured ones, the nobbly ones? It was after HMS Belknapp was sunk, after an unfortunate incident involving several sailors, a supply of antiaircraft shells, and 2 months lard rations….
FRANK
Greg can we get on…
FRANK
Settle down lad, we all know you’ve got big plans for the weekend. Now as you all know this has been a lean couple of months for Hardacres. That ruddy new Anne Summers, with it’s organic raspberry lubricant, is stealing the very bloody bread from our kids mouths. With they’re bloody kinky sex cheques, I promise too…..
FRANK
Greg..
GREG
Sorry, any way here’s the solution to all our problems. I got a job lot of these Lord of the Rings erotic outfits cutprice, this one’s called Lord Elf Me.
GREG PUTS ON A VIDEO, IT SHOWS AN ATTRACTIVE WOMEN WEARING THE ARMOUR THAT FRANK BORROWED EARLIER. SHE PRESS’S THE RED EYE IN THE CHEST AND IT ALL FALLS OFF, TO REVEAL SHE’S WEARNING A BIKINI.
FRANK
Thunder, thunder crap.
HE GETS HIS PHONE OUT AND DIALS FRANTICALLY.
SHEILA IS IN A MINI BUS, IN HER ARMOUR HER PHONE RINGS, SHE GOES INTO HER HANDBAG.
VOICE OPPOSITE HER.
Mi lady, though hand bag doest vibrate most strangely, thou ist aware that in the magic land we travel to there, are no phones, especially none that be mobile.
SHEILA
Look you geekasaurus wrecked….oh
SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE, SHE IS LOOKING AT A GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE CONAN THE BARBARIAN IN A GOOD WAY
And what’s your name?
THRUNG
Thrungmarr Axe-Thrash, buy you can call me Thrash.
BACK IN THE SHOP FRANK LOOKS AT GLORIA
FRANKS
Oh Jar Jar Binks. You know Gloria you said his justice is coming and right soon, I didn’t realise it was that soon.
CUT BACK TO THE MINIBUS SHEILA IS SMILING AT THRUNG, AND FINGERING HER RED EYE.
