Welcome to the seventh edition of ‘Meet the Writers.’ This week’s interviewee is Ariane Sherine, a professional writer and filthy BCG lurker.
What the bloody hell are you doing?
I’m currently writing articles for The Guardian Comment & Debate section and Comment Is Free. And if someone offered me this week’s winning lottery ticket, lifelong health, and a night stuck in a lift with Barack Obama to stop writing them, I’d say, "No thank you – and what are you doing sticking Barack Obama in a lift? He’s got an election campaign to run!"
I’m also interviewing housemates and reporting for the Channel 4/Big Brother website on this year’s show. Before that, I was a table writer on Series 8 of My Family, wrote the opening links for Countdown for two years, and also episodes of Two Pints, Space Pirates, The Worst Witch and The Story Of Tracy Beaker. My main achievement here is not being maimed by a script editor during this time.
For some reason I read that as "a night in the sack with Barack Obama". Is Barack a sexy man? I can’t think I’ve ever put much thought into the matter.
You say that David, but misreading my innocent sentence suggests you have latent Freudian urges. Deep down, I think you’ve answered your own question. Don’t fight it, just go with it.
Sorry, all I got from that was something about making a Newton’s Cradle out of mine and Chris Eubanks’ balls.
Why don’t you tell us about how you landed the Two Pints and My Family gigs?
Two Pints, My Family and every other TV writing gig I’ve had came about because:
a) I was bored.
b) I forgot my CV.
Back in August 2001 I was staying with my Asian grandparents in Leicester, and my 80-year-old Granddad wanted to talk to me about religion. Rather than confess that I thought religion was more nuts than a KP factory, I decided to hide in my room, and started writing (what would become my first sitcom) out of boredom. It was about an Asian girl living in the Midlands, who was arguing with her devout father, as he wanted her to have an arranged marriage, but she wanted to stay single and thwart every suitor he introduced her to. She was assisted by a bloke called Darren Hyde, for the dubious reason that I wanted to call the script Hyde & Sikh.
Then September 11th happened and I shelved H&S, thinking no one would want to read an Asian script. Eight months later, I was finishing my degree and saw an ad for BBC Talent, which included the New Sitcom Writers Award. They asked for three scenes of an original sitcom script, along with a CV. The deadline was the night before my last university presentation, so I almost didn’t send the script - and when I did, I forgot to include the CV. I remember having an odd feeling about this, so sent the whole package again. I’m now convinced that sending it twice doubled my chances, and that I might not have a writing career now if it hadn’t been for that blip. Though that’s not to say that you should inundate the BBC with numerous copies of your sitcom…
I came runner-up in the Award to Danny Peak, then wrote episodes of a few Children’s BBC shows before Micheal Jacob recommended me for Two Pints. I had to write a few sample scenes of the show, then meet Susan Nickson, before being accepted onto the writing team. My Family was slightly different, because by that point I had an agent, who sent my script through and arranged an interview with Tom Anderson and Don Taffner at DLT.
I think you need five balls for a Newton’s Cradle – have you got an extra one, or has Chris?
Chris says he’s twice the man I am, but he’s lying. He only has three balls.
Now if we can please move on to avoid gonads being the through-line of our conversation…
Two Pints is a programme that has received a great deal of discussion on these boards. One poster describes it as "Offensively bad", while another supports it, calling it "Unashamedly bouncy, young and fun" later suggesting that Susan Nickson "Wipes her arse on [the] reviews."
As a contributor to the show, why do you think Two Pints is the runaway success it is?
I think it’s quite universal, in the sense that it’s a handful of friends hanging out and muddling through life as everyone does (much in the way Friends is). There’s no central theme which could lead people to think, "This doesn’t apply to me". It’s easy to follow, you can watch an episode and understand it without having to have watched any others, and I think your "bouncy, young and fun" poster may have his own reasons for watching…
He is, as I understand it, a colossal pervert.
How about My Family? How do you react to negative criticisms of that show?
All the best perverts are colossal.
As for negative criticism, all commercial BBC1 and BBC3 shows with jobbing writers are slated (My Hero is/was another example). Commissioning editors have a remit for showing comedy the general public want to see. You and I might prefer to watch wall-to-wall Peep Show and The Thick Of It, but ratings show that most people don’t. As Bruce Hornby once warbled, "That’s just the way it is".
I loved Fever Pitch.
Let’s talk about Countdown now. How was that experience? And that joke where Whiteley was sent out wearing a tie with the show’s title on it - the "Down" part obscured by the desk and the letter "O" hidden by a tie-pin - who wrote that gag?
Okay, so the ‘S’ key on my keyboard is a little sticky!
Countdown was the most fun show I’ve worked on. Great people, a very friendly team who all got on well, and a lot of creative freedom. As with Damian Eadie, Michael Wylie and a lot of other members of the team. I started out as a contestant and was then asked to work on the show.
The tie-pin was before my time.
I notice on the YouTube link you’ve shared that someone asks of your competitor, "That lass is well fit, did you get it on with her after the show?"
Would you care to expound on that?
What I love most about that question is that at the time I was 23 and he was 13, yet no one seems to think there’s a ten-year adult-child gap…
And no, of course I didn’t, but I did give him my teapot. And that’s not a euphemism.
Is interviewing Big Brother contestants as depressing an experience as it sounds?
You can feel sorry for ex-housemates, especially if they’ve been evicted to a loud chorus of boos, but equally, you can feel happy for them if they’re nice people and are well-liked (like Brian in 2008). Big Brother is often a surprisingly moral show – and this year in particular, the public seem to be voting in a very just way.
I always thought the bit where they evict the housemates needs exploiting. I like the idea of everyone in the crowd dressing up and pretending that while the housemate has been inside, the world has been overrun by zombies.
One last question – is there anything you wished I'd asked but didn't?
No, but I wish I’d said ‘2007’ instead of ‘2008’ in the last answer, as that’s what I meant.
A big huge thank you to Ariane for responding to my blatherings - on her birthday no less. Ms Sherine asks that you please make a pledge to a worthy cause.
Last week’s ‘Meet the Writers’ was with Bex Moran
