I've had an idea for a sitcom for a while, so I decided to write some scenes. I welcome your thoughts and opinions and it would be appreciated if you could point out the good and the bad and whether you think this idea has legs.
The basic gist - Toby, Natalie and Craig work in the tax department of a medium size accountancy practice. They enjoy the freedom to do pretty much what they please as long as all their time is accounted for. Pippa, the staff partner, quite innocently makes a decision that will ruin their peacful existence.
What I have tried to do here is to set up character and introduce conflict. Has this worked or am I way off the mark?
INT. THE TAX ROOM. DAY
THE TAX DEPARTMENT OCCUPIES THE LOWEST FLOOR OF THE BUILDING. IT CONTAINS FOUR DESKS. TO THE RIGHT IS THE ENTRANCE DOOR AND AT THE BACK IS A DOOR TO A SMALL KITCHEN. TOBY IS SITTING AT HIS DESK WORKING AT HIS COMPUTER. NATALIE ENTERS THE ROOM. THE CLOCK ON THE WALL CLEARLY SHOWS 9.25AM.
NATALIE:
Mornin’ Toby, you’re in early.
TOBY:
Good morning Nat. I thought I’d get my timesheet complete while I was feeling creative.
NATALIE DISAPEARS INTO THE KITCHEN AREA TO HANG UP HER COAT.
NATALIE: (O.O.V)
Them sods in admin givin’ you hassle over last week’s time? They won’t leave me alone until I’ve done my timesheet.
SHE COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM.
TOBY:
No, I’ve completed that one. 39 hours all successfully charged to clients. Result!
NATALIE:
So you’ve been busy making up today’s entries?
TOBY:
I’ve just made up the whole week.
NATALIE:
Do you ever do any work on your client’s affairs?
TOBY:
Of course not. I haven’t got time for work Nat, there’s too many online message boards to keep up with.
NATALIE:
(with a nice smile) Oh you’re good.
CUT TO:
INT. ACCOUNTANTS MEETING ROOM. DAY
PIPPA IS CHAIRING THE MONDAY MEETING. SHE IS THE STAFF PARTNER; SHE’S ALL PINK NAIL VARNISH AND FLAMBOYANT HAIR. ANTHONY SITS TO HER RIGHT AND MANAGES TO LOOK BOTH SMART AND SMUG. FIVE ACCOUNTANTS SIT AROUND A LARGE TABLE.
PIPPA:
…So you can all see now the marvelous work Anthony has done over the past six months to improve everything you do. Hmm?
THE FIVE EXCHANGE GLANCES WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT SAY NOTHING.
ANTHONY:
Thank you Pippa, but I can’t really take all the credit for the systems I devised and single-handedly implemented into the accounts and audit department. I think it’s only fair to share it with everyone present.
PIPPA:
Oh you’re too modest, isn’t he everyone? Yes?
YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP.
ANTHONY:
(to everyone) But Pippa, I’m pleased to announce that my efforts have resulted in a 65% increase in productivity and 75% increase in client satisfaction.
BEHIND ANTHONY IS A WINDOW. WE SEE A MEMBER OF STAFF WALK PAST. IT’S CRAIG. HE GLANCES INTO THE ROOM AND THERE IS A LOOK OF UTTER SHOCK ON HIS FACE. HE WALKS ON AND DISAPEARS FROM VIEW.
CUT TO:
INT. TAX DEPARTMENT. DAY
NATALIE IS AT HER DESK BOOTING UP HER COMPUTER. TOBY IS INTENTLY READING SOMETHING ON SCREEN.
TOBY:
That’s just rubbish!
NATALIE:
Someone questionin’ your advice on offshore investment disclosures?
TOBY:
No, some thicko is saying Luke’s lightsaber was green in Empire. Everyone knows it was blue. It was green in Jedi.
NATALIE:
Yeah, Jedi…So, any ideas what I can charge three hours too this morning?
TOBY:
(looking up) Of course, you’re doing your big web search for the new kitchen today…
NATALIE:
Yeah, no point doin’ it at home, far too many distractions.
A NOISE OF AN OUTER DOOR CAN BE HEARD.
TOBY:
Brace yourself! Any guesses on this morning’s moan?
NATALIE:
(SARCASTIC) Lets think…. Well, its either goin’ to be the travesty of him not bein’ made a manager or the ‘horrendous traffic’ that’s made him late.
TOBY:
You know the rules Nat; you can only pick one.
NATALIE:
O’alright,….manager.
TOBY:
For first coffee?
NATALIE:
For first coffee.
CRAIG ENTERS LOOKING DISHEVELLED AND PREOCCUPIED.
CRAIG:
The traffic is horrendous out there! I really thought about turning around and going home again.
NATALIE POUTS AND SHAKES HEAD
TOBY:
Coffee mate? Nat’s was just about to make one.
CRAIG:
Love one. Strong.
NATALIE EXITS TO MAKE DRINKS.
TOBY:
If you got up a bit earlier you wouldn’t have a problem driving in.
CRAIG’S DESK IS NEXT TO TOBY’S. HE SWITCHES ON HIS PC, SHUFFLES SOME PAPERS THEN LEANS IN CLOSER TO TOBY.
CRAIG:
(LOWERED VOICE) What do you think about that then?
TOBY:
About what?
CRAIG:
There’s a managers meeting this morning. Notice I haven’t been invited?
TOBY:
We’re not managers.
CRAIG:
What would they do if we just handed in our notices? That would make them think twice.
TOBY:
I’m sure it would.
CRAIG:
Do you think I should do an email to every partner telling them I should be in all managers meetings?
TOBY:
That might work…
CRAIG:
They just don’t appreciate what they have.
NATALIE ENTERS WITH DRINKS AND HANDS THEM OUT.
CRAIG:
What do you think Natalie?
NATALIE:
What? I was in the kitchen.
CRAIG:
(TO TOBY) You know that Anthony’s in that meeting. He’s not a manager and they’ve got him in there. But I’m not there.
TOBY:
Nice coffee Nat.
NATALIE:
Thanks hun.
CRAIG:
I’m going to see who’s in there. They’re making a mistake not involving me.
CRAIG EXITS. TOBY HITS HIMSELF.
TOBY:
God give me strength.
NATALIE:
Bless, I thought they made it clear he wasn’t goin’ to be a yellow coat?
TOBY:
They forgot to move the brick wall when they did it.
CUT TO:
INT. ACCOUNTANTS MEETING ROOM. DAY
EVERYONE IS STILL SEATED AROUND THE TABLE.
PIPPA:
…So remember gang, files on the floor equals health risk, but files in slings means we are thinking of others. Ok?
ANTHONY:
If I may refer to my new filing system Pippa, you should find that no one needs to have more than three files at their desk at any one time. Thus increasing the work safety ethic.
AT THE WINDOW BEHIND ANTHONY WE SEE CRAIG’S HEAD RISE INTO VIEW.
PIPPA:
Ok then troops, before we begin the week I’ve got to tell you the sad news. It’s time for Anthony to move on. Let’s have a quick pause for sad reflection, ok?
HAPPY GRINS FILL FIVE FACES.
PIPPA:
Moving on then,…As part of his fast track programme, we are putting Anthony into the tax department for six months. I’m sure he will work wonders there too and improve their working practices no end. Hmm?
AT THE WINDOW CRAIG IS STUNNED. HE HAS HEARD EVERYTHING. HE DISAPEARS FROM VIEW.
CUT TO:
INT. TAX DEPARTMENT. DAY
TOBY:
While we have a few minutes of peace how was your weekend? How are the kids?
NATALIE:
Andrew got his dad to buy him a trial bike for £900. Says he wants to be Barry Sheen and Evol Kneival.
TOBY:
Aren’t they both dead?
NATALIE:
Sophie wants to change her name to Starlight Walkway. Says it will further her career.
TOBY:
I thought she was nine? You did tell her no?
NATALIE:
She said if I have anything negative to say it has to go through her agent.
CRAIG ENTERS IN A PANIC.
CRAIG:
Drink, drink…..
TOBY PASSES CRAIG HIS COFFEE. CRAIG’S BACK IS TO THE DOOR. HE TAKES A LARGE GULP.
CRAIG:
All our hard work is at risk!
NATALIE:
Hard work?
CRAIG:
I was passing the meeting room, and of course they invited me in to join them as it was all quite important and managerial.
TOBY:
Yes, and?
CRAIG:
And you’d never guess who they’re putting in here to spy on us and ruin our scams…err…working practices?
TOBY AND NATALIE SHAKE THEIR HEADS. JUST THEN THE DOOR OPENS AND PIPPA AND ANTHONY WALK IN. CRAIG IS TOO PREOCCUPIED TO NOTICE.
CRAIG:
That bloody smug git with the management textbook stuck up his arse. (mimics & gesticulates) ‘ooh methodology this, productivity that…’
PIPPA:
That doesn’t sound good Craig. Perhaps Anthony can help sort out the problem, whatever it is, hmm?
CRAIG SPINS ROUND AND HIS MOUTH DROPS OPEN. HE DROPS HIS COFFEE CUP AND IT SMASHES ON THE FLOOR.
PIPPA:
Good morning troops. We’ve got some fabulous news for you. Haven’t we Anthony?
