I think you should include the line "the joke's on you" more often.
Maybe it should just be inserted every fifth line? Or after anyone does anything. e.g
"here's your tea, you lazy c**t" (he throws the tea over the other bloke)
"the joke's on you" (he quickly puts up an umbrella which squirts tear gas)
etc, etc
Maybe a tree falls on him? The oaks on you.
An albumen free egg is thrown at him? The yolks on you.
A man sits in his lap? The blokes on you.
He's run over by a 1960s Mini with wooden benche? The Mokes on you.
Popular British guitar band sits on him? The Strokes on you.
Quote: sootyj @ July 2 2008, 2:13 PM BSTPopular British guitar band sits on him? The Strokes on you.
American guitar band.
Doh!
The stroke's on you - maybe, despite being force-fed a high sodium diet, the other bloke is the one that collapses with a thrombosis.
excellent banter going on here. regarding the script though - does everyone 'get' the swearing? i think it works, but reaction seems mixed.
Swearing as an end in it's self rarely works. If you can make it funny maybe, e.g. deliberately bad "Mother funster," or deliberately over the top "F**k you, you motherf**king, f**ker, you're f**ked, you and you're ass f**king dog, you f**king f**ked up piece of f**ked f**k, f**k you, and f**k off,"
That was the Writer's Room response to my last submission.
Was the word banter ironic?
Quote: davidmoreton @ July 2 2008, 2:03 PM BSTthis is a real script - and actually quite funny according to some of the responses. it HAS had interest - that's a fact.
I've prepared a response in video form for you:
LOL. dave, what's your opinion on the use of swearing? it's kind of a hot topic around here...
To the OP,
Muldoon's eating is funny material but I would feel it better if you upped the the comedic value of the foodstuffs. Why not have Muldoon ripping into the head of a live sheep? Ok, perhaps a bit graphic for 7pm BBC, but Channel 4 would love it.
Also you need to get a bit more creative with the swearing. Calling someone a c**t is all well and good but 'c**t bitch slag whore' is a little more catchy and would roll off the performers tongue nicely. In fact, you could say that Muldoon suffers from tourettes syndrome, and then it would actually be an offences under the Disabilty Act for someone to tell you to change that part of your script.
Just some thoughts...
Def.
Great names mind.
For great sitcom swearing The Thick Of It is unparalleled. Apparently, Iannucci and co had a "swearing consultant."
knock on door]
Malcolm Tucker: Come the f**k in or f**k the f**k off.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Glenn Cullen: This is a bucket of shit. If someone throws shit at us, we throw shit back at them. We start a shit fight. We throw so much shit back at them so they can't pick up shit, they can't throw shit, they can't DO shit.
Other: I'm sorry, could you stop swearing, please?
Malcolm Tucker: I'm really sorry, you won't hear any more swearing from us, YOU MASSIVE GAY SHITE! F**k off!
Yes, it does have the bestest script ever.
Well, second bestest now we've seen "The Joke's On You", surely?
hey, another scene.
special crit request: are people enjoying Muldoon and his snacks (one producer dug it, the other was not sure what to make of it.)
INT JOKE SHOP; KITCHEN – DAY
SKIMMER is standing by the kettle, waiting for it to boil. MULDOON is sitting at the table, preparing a Doritos-Sandwich.
SKIMMER:
(to himself)
A watched kettle never boils, so why is it I persist in this fruitless quest?
MULDOON:
What’s that?
SKIMMER:
I wasn’t talking to you!
MULDOON:
So why speak out loud?
The kettle boils and omits a shrill noise.
SKIMMER:
Howzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaat?!?
MULDOON:
Not out. Sticky wicket yeah.
SKIMMER pours out a cup of hot water and adds a slice of lemon from the worksurface.
SKIMMER:
Infusion!
MULDOON:
Hardly. Anyway, that twatting lemon’s been in my mouth so most of the vitamins or whatever are in me.
SKIMMER:
You better be…
MULDOON:
Ah, the joke is on you there Skimmy-boy. Now for some real infusion...
SKIMMER sips his tea. MULDOON takes a big bite from his Doritos sandwich.
CUT TO: