Still don't have the complete picture yet, David. Post a few more scenes and I'll come back to you.
Sitcom - appraisal welcome Page 2
i'm alittle wary of putting too much on here, just in case (please dont anyone be offended - im not being arrogant!) but here's a little bit more to help with characterization etc...
INT. JOKE SHOP – DAY.
Skimmer and Melanie are taking turns sitting on a whoopy cushion covered chair. They both laugh. In the background, Muldoon is peering round the corner of the stock room door – he is listening to an ipod and eating a snickers.
Melanie:
Squash – burp!
Skimmer:
Yes, indeed.
Melanie:
You try.
Skimmer:
No, that’s enough for me. This may seem like rock and roll to you, but to me it’s just part of the biz.
Muldoon slaps his head and looks on in disgust.
Skimmer:
(shouting)
Oi Muldoon, get out here. Me and Mel are about to head out for luncheon.
Muldoon comes out form behind the door. He has changed his sweater – his current one reads ‘Muldoon’t-even-think-about-it!
Muldoon:
Well, don’t go longer than your allocated 45 minutes. I’ve got some stuff to do on the internet. Some c**t’s being a prick about my photos on myspace.
Melanie:
I bet they’re great. Maybe I’ll have a look lat…
Skimmer:
Right, we’d better head off. I don’t want to upset his lordship over there.
Skimmer and Melanie leave. Muldoon walks over to the window and looks longingly towards Melanie as she walks away. Muldoon takes a step back and sits on the chair – it emits a shrill fart noise. [pause] Muldoon now begins to smell the acrid smell of the cushion.
Muldoon:
Twats in space!
CUT TO:
I'm afraid I didn't find it funny. The jokes seem weak and unoriginal. From these scenes you've posted it just seems like banter, I would like to see more evidence of a plot. I'm not a big fan of bad language, Mother always told me it showed a lack of vocabulary, so try being a bit more inventive, just look at Blackadder with his fantastic insults. Also in the first scene Muldoon says he thinks the tea is burning his mouth and then he comtradicts himself by saying he's not burning his mouth as he's wearing a mouth insulator, hmmmm. Sorry if I seem a bit harsh, but keep working at it and I wish you all the best with it.
When your jokes worn out signing in with a fresh name and chatting to yourself doesnt give it any more legs!
hello - what happened to the re-write that someone posted? did he vent his anger and then feel a bit of a fool? oh, well anyway I'd like to say thanks because he actually gave me a good idea. re the end of the scene when Muldoon sits on the whoopy cushion, or rather doesnt (and just farts himself). that made me laugh out loud (lol). so thank you!
not sure what you're on about though pete. have you any constructuve crit for my scenes?
Quote: sootyj @ July 1 2008, 1:08 AM BSTHmm it's banter, and the jokes aren't that strong, and the characters weak, in my opinion.
This is a rare example, where I can't think of an area you could improve.
Sorry.
Quote: Pete @ June 30 2008, 11:38 PM BSTAre these guys locked in your basement? Cause you scare a man hard enough and he'll say anything.
What so you dont think it's good but you can't think of how to improve it. Tosser. TThis guy is talneted. He has memorable quotable lines, killer jokes. The mouhtn isnultaor had me on the floor with alguther (and i was in the library at the time- (embarasment city central or what?) You just aren't that inteligent. Sorry i dont want to sound like a comedy snob but i think in general the people comendting just dont have a strong grasp of comedy, hence they think this is rubbish.
I'm delighted to meet some one who types as badly as me!
Such a shame we couldn't meet as friends.
Quote: Sebastian Orange-News @ July 2 2008, 1:30 PM BSTTosser.
No personal insults, please!
You do have a jolly interesting name though...
I thought this davidmoreton (& friends) sitcom idea was a joke by a passing troll. The depressing thing is, when I read his work I found that it is actually better than my own...
Def.
Can somebody please reveal how many characters this David fellow inhabits please? Has be broken any records yet?
Ever wandered I might be the Kaiser Sozeg of BSG? All these people who are rude to me, and stalk my threads. They're all me!
Mu ha ha !
Quote: Sebastian Orange-News @ July 2 2008, 1:30 PM BSTThe mouhtn isnultaor had me on the floor with alguther (and i was in the library at the time)
Last time I was found on the library floor with al guther I got a suspended sentence and a quickie divorce. You don't live Newport way do you, Seb?
Quote: David Bussell @ July 2 2008, 1:50 PM BSThow many characters does this David fellow inhabit?
It's sort of like internet possession - ePossession.
hello. look, i just want to clarify this: i am not sebastian orange wotsits, i am not that dude who said the script was a bit crap, and im not that dude who posted that quite rude edit only to take it off.
this is a real script - and actually quite funny according to some of the responses. it HAS had interest - that's a fact. but it DOES need to be tightened up.
like i said feedback welcome, particularly in these areas:
1) the character of melanie
2) the simon cowell thing.