Plastic Surgeons

Bit of a work in progress.Be savage!

EXT. OUTSIDE A FRONT DOOR - DAY

The TERRY BROTHERS, TERRY and GERRY, unkempt labourers, ring the doorbell. It's answered by MOIRA, a housewife in her twenties.

MOIRA
Hello.

TERRY TERRY
All right mate. How's it going?

MOIRA
Fine. Can I help?

GERRY TERRY
Yeah, we're the Terry Brothers, you've probably seen the van in the street for the last couple of days.

The VAN sits in the street, a dirty white Transit with a ladder on top, emblazoned with the sign "Terry Brothers Plastic Surgeons, No Job Too Intimate"

TERRY TERRY
Yeah, we've been renovating a droopy bosom at number 23

MOIRA
I've seen the van. And heard the hammering. And drilling.

GERRY TERRY
It was very droopy.

TERRY TERRY
Cor, yeah, like a pair of pink windsocks in a slight breeze. Should see 'em now. Anyway, we've finished that job and it turns out we've got a few metres of skin and a bucket of miscellaneous other left over, and we was wonderin' if you had any work needs doing.

MOIRA
Oh, I don't know. I don't think so.

GERRY TERRY
Well you say that, but with respect, you're really wrong. Right Terry?

TERRY TERRY
God yeah. And that's our professional opinion.

GERRY TERRY
Yeah, we've got a van. With our name on it. They don't just hand them out to any old arsehole with a medical degree.

TERRY TERRY
Exactly. So, casting a professional eye over your, er, structure here...

He pulls a BIRO out from behind his ear, and uses it to indicate the areas he is talking about.

GERRY TERRY
Now your nose, your nose is great. Nothing wrong with your nose, right way up and everything.

MOIRA
Thank you.

GERRY TERRY
But I'd suggest you have a bit of work done...
(he points at many places on Moira's body with his biro)
Here, here, a bit of work here, here, here, round here, and a little bit of work here.

MOIRA
You think I need all that done?

TERRY TERRY
Mate, if you undertake the series of renovations my brother is suggesting, it's our professional opinion that you could look like Naomi Campbell.

MOIRA
But I'm not black.

TERRY TERRY
So? Nor's he.

MOIRA
He?

TERRY TERRY
Sorry, who did I say?

MOIRA
Naomi Campbell.

TERRY TERRY
Right. I meant Nicky Campbell.

MOIRA
Nicky Campbell?

GERRY TERRY
He's a very handsome man.

MOIRA
But I'm a woman.

GERRY TERRY
(shocked)
Are you?

Gerry and Terry look at each other, then Gerry points at Moira's crotch with his biro.

GERRY TERRY (CONT'D)
And a bit of work here.

MOIRA
I don't want to look like Nicky Campbell.

TERRY TERRY
Cor, some people don't wanna be helped, do they?

GERRY TERRY
Ok. I'll tell you what you need. Guttering. Round your forehead. Keep the rain off. We've got a special on it this week.

MOIRA
I'm really not interested.

VOICE (O.S.)
Hey! Hey you!

The Terry Brothers look round. Coming down the street is NICKY CAMPBELL with an enormous pair of BOOBS.

NICKY CAMPBELL
What have you done to my face?

GERRY TERRY
What's up madam?

NICKY CAMPBELL
My face, what have you done to it?

GERRY TERRY
Darlin' who's gonna look at your face with a rack like that? Anyway, it's lovely. Terry: mirror.

Terry hold up a picture of Naomi Campbell. Nicky Campbell looks at it.

NICKY CAMPBELL
Actually, it looks better out here.

GERRY TERRY
Another satisfied customer!

END.

Very good, James. I'd lose the bit about the guttering though. Doesn't fit with the rest of the sketch at all.

Heh heh. Very silly.

Quote: David Bussell @ July 2 2008, 12:53 PM BST

Very good, James. I'd lose the bit about the guttering though. Doesn't fit with the rest of the sketch at all.

View original

Gotcha. You're right. I had two ideas in my head: plastic surgeons who "renovate" people with guttering, etc, and door-to-door plastic surgeons, and they don't both fit in the same sketch.

Does the punchline seem weak?

I like the punch. I'd adjust it ever so slightly slightly though:

NICKY CAMPBELL
Actually, it looks better in this light.

GERRY TERRY
(TO MOIRA) See, another satisfied customer!

END.

Nice. I got a bit confused at the end though, has Nicky Campbell now got tits or have they put Nicky's head on Naomi's body?

A new version, veering off into crazyland around halfway through...

EXT. OUTSIDE A FRONT DOOR - DAY

The TERRY BROTHERS, TERRY and GERRY, unkempt labourers, ring the doorbell. Terry is carrying a bucket.

The door is answered by MOIRA, a housewife in her twenties.

MOIRA
Hello.

TERRY TERRY
All right love. How's it going?

MOIRA
Fine. Can I help?

GERRY TERRY
Yeah, we're the Terry Brothers, you've probably seen the van in the street for the last couple of days.

The VAN sits in the street, a dirty white Transit with a ladder on top, emblazoned with the sign "Terry Brothers Plastic Surgeons, No Job Too Intimate"

TERRY TERRY
Yeah, we've been renovating a droopy bosom at number 23

MOIRA
I've seen the van. And heard the hammering. And drilling.

GERRY TERRY
It was very droopy.

TERRY TERRY
Cor, yeah, like two sad little windsocks in a slight breeze. Should see 'em now. Anyway, we've finished that job and it turns out we've got a few metres of skin and a bucket of miscellaneous other left over, and we was wonderin' if you had any work needs doing.

MOIRA
Oh, I don't know. I don't think so.

GERRY TERRY
Well you say that, but with respect, you're really wrong. Right Terry?

TERRY TERRY
God yeah. And that's our professional opinion.

GERRY TERRY
Yeah, we've got a van. With our name on it. They don't just hand them out to any old arsehole with a scalpel.

TERRY TERRY
Yeah, we had to go on a 6 day residential before they gave us our City and Guilds in reconstructive surgery. And grouting. So, casting a professional eye over your problem areas...

He pulls a BIRO out from behind his ear, and uses it to indicate the areas he is talking about.

GERRY TERRY
Now your nose, your nose is great. It's structurally sound, right way up and everything.

MOIRA
Thank you.

GERRY TERRY
But, you know, if you don't mind me saying, you might want to have a little bit of work done...
(he points at many places on Moira's body with his biro)
Here, here, a bit of work here, here, here, round here, and a little bit of work
(points at her bum)
here.

MOIRA
You think I need all that done?

TERRY TERRY
Well, you could ignore our advice, it's your perogative, but don't come crying to us when the next sharp gust of wind takes your arse clean off.

MOIRA
My God, is that likely?

GERRY TERRY
It needs tightening, love, that's all. Ten minutes with Mr G-Clamp and Mr Scissors, and bish bosh, you get peace of mind next time there's a stiff breeze.

TERRY TERRY
And buttocks you can open a bottle with.

GERRY TERRY
I had it done myself. Here, you try and pull my arse off. You won't be able to.

He turns around.

MOIRA
No, I... I believe you.

GERRY TERRY
No, go on, give it a tug. It's safe. That arse is going nowhere, love.

She tentatively puts her hands out, grips Gerry's bum.

GERRY TERRY (CONT'D)
Go on! Pull it.

She does. There is a dreadful ripping, tearing sound.

Gerry falls to the ground. His detatched buttocks fly up, then back down, where Moira catches them. She holds them, cheeks-outward. She is shocked.

Terry looks a bit embarassed.

TERRY TERRY
See, I can explain that. That hardly ever happens. Um...

He pulls out a bottle of beer, sticks the neck between Gerry's buttocks, twists it. The cap comes off. He proffers the bottle to Moira.

TERRY TERRY (CONT'D)
Free beer with every job?

Moira drops the buttocks, backs into her house, and closes the door.
There is a pause. Terry takes a swig of beer, thinks, looks down.

TERRY TERRY (CONT'D)
I'll get the G-Clamp.

There is a great sketch in here somewhere, but I don't think you have quite nailed it. It is a really strong idea and gets off to a great start, but the pay off in neither version really quite worked for me. In both cases the sketch seems to veer off at a bit of a tangent, which is fun, but loses the focus on the internal logic of the initial absurdity.

You're right. So far neither payoff has seemed... organic. Somewhere out there is the perfect punchline, but lord knows where it might be.

I hate it when writing a sketch becomes hard work...