The Wizard's Sleeve

INT. A MEDIEVAL, FANTASY TAVERN – DAY

IN A SMOKEY TAVERN BELLAMY, A POWERFUL LOOKING WIZARD, IS HOLDING COURT. A NUMBER OF OTHERS SIT AROUND HIM, CROSS-LEGGED ON THE FLOOR, AS THEY LISTEN TO HIS STORIES.

BELLAMY
... And as I gazed upon the Plains of Chiminoth I saw that my magical powers had indeed brought peace and calm to this once troubled land.

LISTENER 1
Bellamy, you really are a most powerful wizard.

BELLAMY
One does what one can.

LISTENER 1
Have you any other tales of adventure?

BELLAMY
(CHUCKLES) I would not want to bore you with more of my stories.

LISTENER 2
Okay, does anyone else have-

BELLAMY
Did I tell you about my quest into the Caves of Di'Chaitoo as I searched for Sacred Stone of Ichmoriad?

LISTENER 1
No.

LISTENER 2
Actually, I think I've heard this one.

BELLAMY
Well, he hasn't so...

SUDDENLY THE DOOR TO THE TAVERN BURSTS OPEN AND A LARGE FIGURE IS SILLHOUETTED AGAINST THE LIGHT. BELLAMY AND THE LISTENERS WATCH AS THE ARMOUR CLAD WARRIOR STRIDES SLOWLY TO THE BAR.

BELLAMY
Yes, as I was saying...

BELLAMY NOTICES THE LISTENERS AREN'T PAYING ATTENTION. HE CLICKS HIS FINGERS.

BELLAMY
Hey! Yes, I'm still talking here. You know you should listen to this, it might come in useful one day. Anyway my quest brought me face to face with the Shambling Beast of Digeeridoo. A more fearsome creature you could not imagine...

WARRIOR
HAH!

BELLAMY
You have something to say, stranger?

WARRIOR
I have travelled these lands for many, many days… met many, many adventurers… heard many, many tales… (BEAT) fought many, many foes-

BELLAMY
Yeah, you've been around, I think we all get it. What's your point?

THE WARRIOR TURNS AROUND TO FACE BELLAMY.

WARRIOR
My point, wizard, is this. No-one has ever come face to face with Shambling Beast of Digeeridoo and lived to tell the tale. Great and powerful armies have perished at its razor claws… and yet you expect me to believe that you... one man... a mere wizard... survived such an encounter?

BELLAMY SLOWLY GETS TO HIS FEET.

BELLAMY
Are you calling me a liar, stranger?

WARRIOR
No, wizard. I'm calling you... a cheat!

THE WHOLE ROOM GASPS.

BELLAMY
That's a serious accusation, sir. Indeed you are fortunate that moderators have forbidden combat within this venue or you would be on the receiving end of a couple of level four fire-bolts.

WARRIOR
Hah, your puny fire-bolts would but singe my level seven armour of heat resistance.

BELLAMY
Then I suggest we take this outside and…

SUDDENLY THE PEOPLE IN THE TAVERN DISAPPEAR.

BELLAMY
What the…?

THEN THE TAVERN DISAPPEARS LEAVING BELLAMY STANDING ALONE IN A BLACK VOID.

BELLAMY
Oh not again!

CUT TO –

INT. CANTEEN – DAY

BELLAMY, WEARING A TESCO’S STYLE UNIFORM, SITS AT A TABLE. A LAPTOP IS IN FRONT OF HIM.

BELLAMY
Bloody batteries!

THE DOOR TO THE CANTEEN OPENS AND A SUPERVISOR LEANS IN.

SUPERVISOR
Bellamy! Break time is over… and grab a mop, someone’s been sick all down aisle three.

END

It's far too long for only having one joke in it. And the mention of moderators, level four fire bolts and level 7 armour sort of stomps all over the punchline.

Having said that, it's a good idea. If you can sharpen it up, put in a couple of gags and not trash your own punchline it could be a pretty good sketch.

Where would you see this being used?

I'm with Afinkawan all the way on this one.

Very old idea, way back in the days of Dungeons and Dragons. Might I suggest you check out Knights of the Dinner Table?

Also a weak punch line, needs a second sub punch to make it work.

Very old idea, way back in the days of Dungeons and Dragons. Might I suggest you check out Knights of the Dinner Table?

Also a weak punch line, needs a second sub punch to make it work.

I was actually enjoying the bullshitting wizard, but the protracted punchline wore thin. Is there another direction you could take this sketch?

i think this works pretty well. maybe add a current pop culture reference in there somewhere, really drive home on the demographic?

oh, not to thread-crash - but i've updated two scenes on my sitcom. feedback welcome of course!

Thanks all. This was the opening scene of a longer thing I was intending writing but which I'd never got round to. As has been mentioned I guess it probly does lack the impact and humour for a stand alone sketch.

Many thanks for reading and for the comments.

Bo.

Quote: Bohannon @ July 1 2008, 5:37 PM BST

Thanks all. This was the opening scene of a longer thing I was intending writing but which I'd never got round to.

View original

Seen in that light I think it stands up much better as a piece of writing.

^This.

As a scene in a sitcom or something it's a lot better. But I still think you stomp all over your own punchline.

I think (to work as a sketch) you need to properly ham up the first bit; obviously there's a lot of character-work in there to get across just how boring this wizard actually is. Misdirection is the name of the game here, so what Afinkawan says about mentioning the level 7 firebolts/moderators/etc needs to come out completely, so the sudden jump to Tesco's works.

I think it does work though, just needs a rewrite or two and tightening up </all-too-common advice>. Don't give it up as I think you're on to something.

Dan

Actually, not to disagree with everybody else on my very first post or anything, but I thought it was rather good. The early interaction between the wizard, his audience and the warrior was quite a good bit of misdirection from the actual punchline, which sort of comes out of left field.

My only piece of minor adive is I would change the line aobut the wizard being a cheat, as I think that gives it away too early. The audience should be running to catch up still when everything goes black and it cuts to tesco's.

Also, World of Warcraft-ify it by about 25%. I have an, er, friend who could probably help you with this.

Thanks again folks. I think if this has any future it'll be as part of a sitcom rather than a sketch. I like the idea of setting it partially in an MMORPG and allowing characters to be someone else in their virtual world. I think there is also comedy potential in representing the contrast between casual gamers and fanatics in this fantasy setting - as long as it doesn't all get too geeky of course.

Thanks for the comments, as always.

Bo.