Sitcom excerpt Page 3

Hi Timbo,

I wouldn't abandon it unless you want to. Re aimless dialoue, I think what you need to look at is the dynamics of the scene. what is revealed, what is set up, what is at stake for your characters. Here are my thoughts more specifically on your first scene - if I was script editing it this is what I would be saying to you.

4. INT. SIMON'S BEDROOM

SIMON IS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, BUTTONING ON A RATHER TASTELESS SHIRT. HE STRIKES A COUPLE OF POSES, DECIDES AGAINST IT, AND SELECTS ANOTHER, JUST AS NAFF, FROM A PILE ON THE BED. [ACT THIS OUT AND SEE HOW LONG IT TAKES – I.E. TOO LONG]

[SEAN (OOV)

You ready?

SIMON

Won't be a sec.]

THESE TWO LINES OF DIALOGUE DO ABSOLUTELY NOTHING SO CUT THEM.

SEAN LETS HIMSELF IN.

SEAN (TAKING IN THE SHIRTS)

Getting tarted up to see Kimmie?

[THIS SHOULD BE A FUNNY LINE]

SIMON (OBVIOUSLY LYING)

I was just trying to find one that was clean.

[SO SHOULD THIS]

SEAN MAKES HIMSELF AT HOME.

SEAN

So what's the form with this seance lark, then?

SIMON

Casual dress is perfectly acceptable. I don't think we're planning on raising royalty.

[AS HE IS GOING TO SOME TROUBLE RE HIS SHIRT, THIS SENTENCE IS A BIT OF A NON SEQUITOR]

SEAN

No, I mean like what actually happens?

[HE IS JUST REPEATING THE QUESTION]

SIMES

Well, we sit round in a circle and hold hands...

SEAN

Holding hands with Kim, eh? You going to be playing footsie an' all?

[AGAIN ANOTHER TWO LINES WITH NEITHER A SET UP AND A GAG OR A FUNNLY LINE IN AND OF ITSELF]

SIMON

...we sit round in a circle, and then Kim's Auntie Cissy, who's the medium - though meself I'd say she was the best part of a size 20 - asks if there (SPOOKY VOICE) is anybody out there? At which point some joker usually tries to get everyone going by rapping on the table. I should think tonight that's going to be you.

[CLUNKY –IS THERE A WAY OF GETTING CHARACTER BASED HUMOUR HERE]

SEAN (MOCK OFFENDED)

What me?

[IT NEEDS TO BE A LINE THAT IS FUNNY]

SIMON GIVES HIM WHAT HE IS PLEASED TO THINK IS A WITHERING LOOK.

SEAN

But come on, does anybody really answer?

SIMON

Oh yeah, Kim's uncle Percy, Cis's old man. He's her control - her spirit guide.

SEAN

Give over.

SIMON

'Course there's only Cissy can actually hear him.

SEAN (ROLLS EYES)

And this old biddy, and her invisible better half, what do they find to jaw about?

SIMON

Well, gen'rally the first thing is Perce wants to know how his pigeons are doing. He was a fancier, used to race 'em see. The way Kim tells it, he thought more of those pigeons than he did of Cissy. He was afraid that when he passed on she was going to...

SIMON PAUSES TO FIND THE RIGHT WORD.

SEAN

Neglect them?

[SEAN SHOULD HAVE THE CASSEROLE LINE AND THIS IS ALL EXPLAINING WHAT WE ARE ABOUT TO SEE NEXT SO IS ALL A BIT REDUNDANT, TRIM IT RIGHT DOWN]

SIMON

No, casserole 'em. Kim reckons that's the only reason he stays in touch - he's keeping a beady one on Cissy to see she doesn't make too free with the cook-in sauce. Anyhows, if there's a particular spook as Cis wants to have a chinwag with, old Perce rounds them up for her.

[THE CASSEROLE STUFF COMING FROM SIMON DOESN’T WORK. NOT BELIEVEABLE]

SEAN

So lets just get this straight. We're going to spend the evening round at Angie's gaff, listening to Kim's barking auntie jabbering to herself? Sounds a waste of precious drinking time to me.

[AGAIN HE IS RECAPPING WHAT HIS MATE HAS TOLD HIM THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO WATCH ANYWAY]

SIMON

The Wheelbarrow can survive an evening without your custom. Might need to reschedule the mortgage payments, but, hey! Hows about Angela? You infected her with your cynicism?

[THERE IS NO REAL BRIDGE BETWEEN THE THO ELEMENTS OF THIS CHUNK. AND IF THERE IS A GAG ABOUT MORTGAGE PAYMENTS IT NEEDS TO BE POLISHED UP]

SEAN

She's well up for it. Kim's got her freaked out at the idea of this horny old dear departed clocking all her naughty bits. Won't let me lay a finger on her in the flat.

[AHAH SOME PLOT! WHY NOT PUT THIS RIGHT AT THE BEGINNING AND MOTIVATE THE WHOLE DIALOGUE RE SUPERNATURAL STUFF – AS IT IS THE KEY TO BOTH THEIR LOVE LIVES WE CAN NOW SEE]

SIMON

So his afterlife is putting the kybosh on your lovelife?

[AGAIN I WOULD GIVE SEAN THIS LINE, BUT POLISH IT]

SEAN

That's about the strength of it. The daft mare won't take a shower without wearing her swimming cossie.

[DAFT MARE IN THIS SOUNDS ODD, AND THERE SHOULD BE AN EVEN AND A NOW IN THERE AT THE LEAST]

SIMON

You can see it from the stiff's point of view though. I mean, if you're a disembodied spirit it beats hanging out round the boneyard.

[AGAIN THIS COULD BE WORKED INTO MORE OF AN OPPORTUNITY FOR THE AUDIENCE TO LAUGH]

SEAN

Well, yeah - but you could do better. Me, I'd be haunting the ladies changing rooms at the All England Club. All them lezzie tennis starlets. Phwoar!

[BUT ISN’ THIS WOMAN THE OBJECT OF HIS AMOROUS AFFECTIONS? ]

SIMON (LAUGHING)

Dirty sod. (PULLING ON HIS JACKET) We set then?

SEAN

I reckon. Let's go raise the dead.

THEY GO OUT THE DOOR. A MOMENT LATER SIMON COMES BACK IN AGAIN TO CHECK HIS APPEARANCE IN THE MIRROR. SEAN GRABS HIS ARM AND DRAGS HIM BACK OUT AGAIN.

[NOT A STRONG ENOUGH ENDING TO THE SCENE – EITHER A FUNNY GAG OR A FUNNIER VISUAL I THINK]

I think all the elements are there in the scene you just need to make tthem more organic. Concentrate on the motives of the characters and I think that will help.

Thanks Marc.

I was a long way from being happy with the scene and you have crystalised a lot of the issues, particulalry the opening which is piss weak, and why the dynamic of the scene does not really work. Food for thought.

Even if I do not take this particular project further it all helps with the learning curve.

Cheers,

Tim.

Though what Marc has done there is basically say 'This line needs to be funny', 'So does this line'.

Yes, that's the rule for all sitcoms and if you can't nail that early on, you're in trouble.

Quote: Seefacts @ June 30 2008, 4:21 PM BST

Yes, that's the rule for all sitcoms and if you can't nail that early on, you're in trouble.

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But isn't some of the most innovative comedy that which breaks the rules?

Probably not the rule of being funny!

Quote: Seefacts @ June 30 2008, 4:21 PM BST

Though what Marc has done there is basically say 'This line needs to be funny', 'So does this line'.

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Not really, no. He points out that in some sections I need to try harder for the laugh, which I kind of knew, but it good discipline to be told you are not getting away with anything. More important was the advice on structuring the scene, which you seem to have missed.

Thanks for all your helpful input.

Surely the Royle family is more dramedy?

Quote: sootyj @ June 30 2008, 4:41 PM BST

Surely the Royle family is more dramedy?

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There's no actual drama in it whatsoever though.

It's a comedy, and it read funny, regardless of what people say.

Quote: Griff @ June 30 2008, 4:42 PM BST

No decent person uses the term dramedy.

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Correct, sir!

[quote name="Seefacts" post="194487" date="June 30 2008, 4:43 PM BST"]There's no actual drama in it whatsoever though.

It's a comedy, and it read funny, regardless of what people say.

What's wrong with dramedy? It's a great artform, Shameless, CLokcing Off, Soldier Soldier, all good fun, and now I think about Life on Mars, and lots of Dr Who.

The birth of the daughter, nannas death, all dramatic moments.

It's the old Ben Elton line, about take serious and funny, you get sriously funny.

Personally I generally prefer it to straight sitcom.

And Clocking Off could switch between high drama, and razor sharp comedy in seconds.

CLocking off was ace, about the best dramedy/drama this country produced in maybe 30 years.

Quote: Griff @ June 30 2008, 4:46 PM BST

Did you not see the episode where the old bat died ? There was about ten minutes of teary heart-rending melodrama without a joke in sight. Plus the episode when they had to rush pregnant Denise off to hospital to have her baby and she had a massive panic attack before going and had to be reassured by Ricky Tomlinson.

It's not all comedy by any means.

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I refuse to consider the last episode as part of the canon.

The three main series were pure comedy and nothing else in my view. People see the grainy video and bad lighting and think drama, but it had just as many laughs in as a more mainstream show.

Quote: sootyj @ June 30 2008, 4:48 PM BST

And Clocking Off could switch between high drama, and razor sharp comedy in seconds.

CLocking off was ace, about the best dramedy/drama this country produced in maybe 30 years.

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Fair enough, but that was billed as a comedy drama.

A sitcom must be funny.

Quote: Griff @ June 30 2008, 4:51 PM BST

Well if you think there was no drama in the Royle Family then I am very disappointed in your critical faculties. We will have to leave it at that.

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The baby episode: One closing sad scene in the whole show doesn't make it a drama.

I'd say that The Office had more dramatic elements in it that TRF. And that's not a drama either.

Often you find sitcoms leave the drama until you have establish characters and some emotional buy in......maybe it would be a fresh take to go in with more drama early on and possibly easier as you dont have the pressure of getting the jokes in?

Steptoe and Son, and Porridge both started with strong dramatic aims, and developed into comedy over time.

And who can forget the 3rd Episode of Only Fools and Horses, when Del Boy tortured Trigger with a blow torch?

Quote: Griff @ June 30 2008, 4:56 PM BST

Now you're changing the argument. Nobody said it was "a drama".

The point being argued was that some sitcoms manage to include non-comedy lines in them and The Royle Family is an example. I'd say that Friends managed to mix in a bit of drama with the comedy too. It wasn't all gags, unlike something like Peep Show. But it was still a sitcom.

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Okay, okay - I'll admit there were some dramatic elements, about 1% in my view.

But what it certainly had was hilarious lines. Something lacking in most sitcoms in critique.