Devil's Blurb Episode 1 Page 2

Hi

Been catching up, reading through and jotting some notes along the way so here’s what I’ve got. I would appreciate it if everyone involved can read through the following and reply to the questions and statements I ask and make. Thank you

The conversation between Dev and Chris about Sue Storm I thought was nicely written and funny in the same style of Clerks, everyday nerdish convo. I like the exchange between Dev and Chris, it is a forced friendship because if they weren't stuck in the same office together you know they wouldn’t have anything to do with each other.

A small note I made, don’t call the receptionist Dawn, too much like The Office.

The dialogue runs smoothly and funny like the Sue Storm convo e.g

DEV
Of course it works. How else do you explain Vanessa Feltz's losing all that weight?

MAVIS
But, she put the weight back on.

DEV
She didn't take out the warranty.

but some of the witty quips fall a bit flat for example

DEIRDRE
She hired the Carnegie Hall so that she could perform and they all laughed at her. Then they pelted her with cabbage. (PAUSE) Then stones. (PAUSE) Then fecal matter.

Jeremy
Are you insane? She’s got the voice of an angel.

Record Exec
Yeah. An angel that choking on a sandwich.

JEREMY
Are you saying that you don't think she can sing either?

WAITER
Surely sir, you cannot belief for a moment that she can. I once heard a noise similar coming from a slaughter house

I think there are some great set ups here for some clever witty replies, something Kryton would say in Red Drawf or something Blackadder would say so that is something we need to go back on before we finish and tackle them one at a time.

Another note I made was how the episode finished with the singer dead and Dev offering his service. I’m afraid this feels more like how a soap opera would end but with a UK comedy the series only lasts about 6 episodes and each episode really should have a start, middle and end. You can have some parts that go unanswered but you shouldn’t have a big build up and then it just stops. Generally when something like that happens you will find there is another subplot running which gets resolved so the audience feels that there is a pay off for their attention for that particular episode.

QUESTIONS

I also jotted down some questions, one particular plot hole that people would ask when reading this that I think need addressing.

1.Why does Jeremy suddenly hear her singing badly? At the moment it just goes he finally hears her singing bad, a lot of people would question this.
2.I thought we were going to get Chris to kill the singer in a funny, ironic twist because at the moment she just falls out of the window

I think we need to wrap this all around what Dev and Cat are doing more and keep everything intertwined e.g

Dev and Cat bend the rules to get the last soul so they trick the producer into hearing his wife singing as being really bad, when in fact she isn't. They hope that he will sell his soul to make her a good singer because he has invested all of his money in her and if he can’t make her famous he loses everything! However the plan don't work cos he says he has now fallen in love with her (he was marrying her for the wealth and fortune he thought she'd bring him but CHRIS convinces him he actually loves her) and he don't care she can't sing and is poor. All seems lost for Cat and Dev when Chris accidentally kills the wife! Horray, result, hello Mr Producer I think you'll want our service now!

I think the subplot should be shortened, alot! The focus should be on Cat and Dev relationship and the subplot should come in AFTER the montage when they realise that they need to find this one last soul which they decide to cheat to get. We can have the couple in the honeymoon suite and maybe Jeremy is on the phone to an agent saying that the wedding went fine and how he has landed himself a winning lottery ticket. Dev somehow picks this up (maybe on a specialized piece of office equipment) and they go in for the quick con but Chris overhears their plan and quickly follows to stop them! Then what I mentioned in the above paragraph comes into play.

So those are the questions and points I wrote down whilst reading. The show has a great strong foundation to build on, now we just need to nail the buildings blueprints and decide what we are building. I hope you find these questions and suggestions useful because they are not put downs but a genuine effort to help and to work with you all as a group.

Best regards

Scott

I agree that the B Plot seems a bit too long. I haven't seen much of the main plot yet.

Couple of possible replacement lines on the spur of the moment (although my brains not working too well at the moment)

***************
DEIRDRE
She hired the Carnegie Hall so that she could perform and they all laughed at her. Then they pelted her with cabbage. (PAUSE) Then stones. (PAUSE) Then they just laughed again.
**********
Jeremy
Are you insane? She’s sounds like an angel.

Record Exec
More like an angle./ An angel on his Harley maybe.
******************
JEREMY
Are you saying that you don't think she can sing either?

WAITER
Sing ether? She couldn't sing with helium.

Hi Scott thanks for bringing up those concerns and questions I hope the below explains/answers anything you were unsure about mate, as I said we are all learning as we go so this is all vital to the smooth running of the project. ps reading through this I come across as a bit...off I assure you thats not the case I tried to address things as simply as possible...

Names I really aint bothered about just first thing that comes to my head so receptonist can be called Terri or Rachel or anything I really not bothered about that.

My thinking on the sub plot that was it only really appears at the begining and the end and if just referenced in the main plot via newpapers and news on tv in middle. I know it seems we have alot of it but we havent really done the bulk of the main story yet so ratio wise we should be good, plus if we have to much its easier to cut down then fill gaps.

On subject of intergrating Plot B more I do agree now reading through some of the work the two parts seem quite alien from each other, a revision to honeymoon suite seen and a bit of a lead up in main plot will solve this problem without any major rewrites. prehaps dev is the waiter for example.

Dialogue/ Witty come backs Scott I agree but if we leave that all til the first revision we can get the foundations down and then concentrate on making it funnier. Thats my view anyway.

Dave finsihed the revision to the script were Chris Kills Charlotte today

Last but not least the ending, I think I'm the only one who likes the way it ends lol but I did have an idea which I sketched down more in tune with the feel I think, I'll up it tomorrow to see what you guys think it's a bit different

Quote: Gavin @ May 15, 2007, 12:44 AM

Dialogue/ Witty come backs Scott I agree but if we leave that all til the first revision we can get the foundations down and then concentrate on making it funnier. Thats my view anyway.

View original

I agree with that but I did say in my write up the same, get itall written, don't worry too much yet about the punchlines but get the set ups in and then go back and create the killer lines later.

I'll look forward to reading the Chris killing Charlotte redrafts and Earman has PM'd me so tomorrow I'll crack on with montage script drafts.

I'm interested to hear what people thought of the alternative suggestion of Dev and Cat cheating Jermemy into thinking she is a bad singer since he had all his money invested in her, then Chris convinces her to love her for her and not the money she would of made him and then Chris ruins the happy ending by accidentally killing her

Quote: Scott Evans @ May 15, 2007, 1:08 AM

I'm interested to hear what people thought of the alternative suggestion of Dev and Cat cheating Jermemy into thinking she is a bad singer since he had all his money invested in her, then Chris convinces her to love her for her and not the money she would of made him and then Chris ruins the happy ending by accidentally killing her

View original

An alternative is the Charlottes mother dies and such the contact is then voided and he then hears her how she really is.

We should sort this little snag out now I think. The deal with Charlotte's mother was that her daughter is only a good singer to a select few "That mattered". Dev planned to use the short fall of her mothers deal to get Charlotte to sell her soul to convince everyone else she can sing, and for Jeremy to sell his soul to regain his musical credit.

Do you think we need to change the deal? or just they temporally allow him to hear her as she really is then it goes form there.

I thought Dev and Cat made her sound good to Jeremy, but not anyone else and then they changed it so Jeremy heard how she really sounded. Maybe Chris changes how she sounds to Jeremy and this is how he ends up indirectly kills her? I think we need to sort out pretty much every inch of the plot before moving onto anything else.

Ok guys Deadline is..now if we could all post our stuff in the Episode 1 Thread that would be great lets see where we are now

Quote: earman2009 @ May 15, 2007, 4:51 PM

I thought Dev and Cat made her sound good to Jeremy, but not anyone else and then they changed it so Jeremy heard how she really sounded. Maybe Chris changes how she sounds to Jeremy and this is how he ends up indirectly kills her? I think we need to sort out pretty much every inch of the plot before moving onto anything else.

View original

Quote: scott @ May 14, 2007, late PM

Dev and Cat bend the rules to get the last soul so they trick the producer into hearing his wife singing as being really bad, when in fact she isn't. They hope that he will sell his soul to make her a good singer because he has invested all of his money in her and if he can’t make her famous he loses everything! However the plan don't work cos he says he has now fallen in love with her (he was marrying her for the wealth and fortune he thought she'd bring him but CHRIS convinces him he actually loves her) and he don't care she can't sing and is poor. All seems lost for Cat and Dev when Chris accidentally kills the wife! Horray, result, hello Mr Producer I think you'll want our service now!

View original

I'm thinking we could lose the mother altogether and go with the plot of Dev and Cat messing around with her voice because they know he has so much money invested in her and he has a lot to lose. Also the above is a good way to tile Chris into it.

I think we need to decide what direction we are going to take because we seem very much spilt at the moment on this particular point. Maybe a vote?

For me Chris making Jeremy hear Charlotte for way she is makes more sense it was touched upon in an earlier thread infact. So I'm all for leaving it with Chris manipulating the two to save their souls

# Before they start Dev pops out for a fag becomes apparent that they are no ordinary work place.

Catherine
I can’t believe it, I’m dead

Dev
On the bright side at least at least you won’t have to go through the desperate, I’m still pretty, phase and get boned by every man in the cityblock only to be left an empty husk of a human being. Anyway you should be glad most of us were chosen for this job because we showed exceptional skills in life. Like Gary’s Knowledge of institutional shipping and receiving procedures.

Catherine
I haven’t got any skills I was just a gym teacher in a local school I didn’t sign up for any of this

Dev
…Do you think I signed up for this? I thought I’d be transformed into an 8 foot snarling super beast with paranormal chains and claws, and I’d go around and solve crime despite the dark nature of my powers. Not even elongated teeth, and you would of thought after the thing I did to Ashley’s sister I would of at least had a tail, or have gruesome feature, but no. Some people get to walk around here will flaming beards gaping soulless eyes and I get stuck looking like Joe 90s gay Jewish cousin, and if anything I’ve put on weight, where is the justice in that?

Catherine
Why would anyone sign up for this?

Dev
It’s a living, plus hell has a fantastic Den care package.

Catherine
So this is Hell? I thought it’d be warmer

Dev
Don’t knock it the air conditioning bill’s used to be so expensive we’d only have it on in the summer, but thank heavens we get a discount now, we had to skin a few cats to get it though that Sinclair was a shrewd business man but after we granted his daughters boyfriend’s request, daddy was happy to give us discount and his soul to put things back to the way they were.

Catherine looks shocked

Dev
It’s not all bad here you know pretty much the same as the living world keep yourself to yourself, don’t walk alone on Saturday nights in a short skirt and don’t touch any amorphous blobs. Simple really.

DEV PUSHES THE CRASH BAR ON THE DOOR AND THE TWO WALK OUT INTO “HELL” AS WE’D EXPECT IT TO BE BOILING SKIES FLAMING MOUNTAINS GIANT WINGED BEAST PATROL THE SKIES WHILST SHAMBLING CORPSES MOAN IN TERRIFIC PAIN.

Dev (To Catherine
Smoke?

Just skimmed through this thread, I know I pulled out of this project but I said I would still give input from time to time.

How about this line instead:

Jeremy
Are you insane? She’s got the voice of an angel.

Record Exec
Yeah. A Hell's Angel.

Also I'd lose the Vanessa Feltz line, it's such an easy target (well she's gotta be at that size)..you see.

Hi Martin your input is very welcome mate. Thanks for having a look.

Could you maybe put everything we have together in sequence. Then we could easier where we have contradictions, what needs polishing etc.

To some extent I've written chunks separately without knowing exactly what the direction is.

This thread was meant to be for that but I'll pin one tonight. I've added some sequences.

I'm going to make a decision on this the way that Jeremy hears real singer is through Chris trying to save both of their souls.

Right - what next? Has Charley done her bit yet?