Sitcom Pilot - Cyberworld

Well after my excuse for a synopsis suffered some very bad critque here the other day I decided I would maybe try and redeem myself a bit by posting the first few scenes of the pilot episode of my sitcom 'Cyberworld' seeing as everyone else is. Hope you's enjoy it:

1. INT. CYBERWORLD (SHOP AREA)

CALVIN IS AT THE TILL. A FEW CUSTOMERS ARE PRESENT BROWSING THE GAMES. A CHILD APPROACHES HIM TO PURCHASE A GAME.

CALVIN
You realise this game is an 18?

CHILD
Yeah, and I’m 18.

CALVIN
Unless your Peter Pan or one of the lost boys, I highly doubt that.

CHILD
Look mister, I’m 18. Honestly!

CALVIN
You’re clearly not! I mean look at you. You’ve probably got less pubes than a college girl with low self-esteem.

CHILD
Listen mate, you don’t want me to have to come back here later with my da.

CALVIN
I know I don’t, cause you’re an ignorant little bugger. Now shoo, I’m done with you.

THE CHILD LEAVES, GIVING CALVIN A DIRTY LOOK.

THE SHOP’S PHONE RINGS AND CALVIN ANSWERS IT. AS THE CONVERSATION CONTINUES, CALVIN STARTS MIMING WITH HIS HAND THAT HIS BOSS WON’T SHUT UP

CALVIN
Hello, Cyberworld, Calvin speaking.
Ah hello Mr Lennon.
Yes I am enjoying my first day as manager.
No I haven’t forgotten. I’m the holding interviews at the end of the day.
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Yes.
No.
Uh huh.
Listen, I’ve got to go here, there’s a customer.

HE PUTS THE PHONE DOWN, BUT DOESN’T REALISE HE HASN’T ACTUALLY HUNG-UP YET.

CALVIN (TO CUSTOMER)
Pain in the ass that stupid tosser.

MR LENNON (FROM PHONE)
HEY!

CALVIN
Oh sorry sir. I didn’t realise I hadn’t hung up. I was just talking to a customer about Big Brother. Must be a pain in the ass for those stupid tossers being cooped up in that house. Well, goodbye again.

CUSTOMER
So did you see it last night then?

CALVIN
See what?

CUSTOMER
Big Brother. You were just talking about it there.

CALVIN
No. If I wanted to watch a bunch of uneducated animals doing nothing I’d watch the Discovery channel. At least then it would be educational and I’d get to see real hippos as opposed to just Jade Goody.

CUSTOMER
I don’t see why you don’t watch it. It’s actually a pretty good show.

CALVIN
Well I’ll tell you why I don’t watch it.

CALVIN BECKONS THE CUSTOMER TOWARDS HIM WITH HIS HAND AND THEY BOTH LEAN IN AS THOUGH CALVIN IS ABOUT TO WHISPER SOMETHING TO HIM. CALVIN THEN STANDS BACK UP AND SLAPS THE CUSTOMER IN THE FACE.

CALVIN
That was for the intellectuals of the British public, who has to put up with idiots like you who keep Big Brother on TV!

CUSTOMER
Yes. Because all the intellectuals of this world work in pathetic run-down video games stores of course. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to my job where I make more in a month that you probably make all year!

THE CUSTOMER LEAVES CALVIN STANDING THERE WITH A LOOK OF DEFEAT. BEFORE THE CUSTOMER EXITS THE SHOP, CALVIN GETS THE LAST WORD IN.

CALVIN
Oh yeah? Well… err… At least I get job satisfaction.

CALVIN TURNS TO THE CUSTOMERS WHO WERE WATCHING.

CALVIN
(scoffs) He got told.

2. INT. OFFICE OF A BUSINESS

RON IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB IN THE MAILROOM OF A LARGE FIRM. HIS INTERVIEWER IS AN OLDER MAN IN HIS LATE 50’S.

INTERVIEWER
Well we were very impressed with your application Mr McDonald, and looking at your résumé, there’s no doubt that you’ll have no problem achieving great things at this company. Now I’ve a few final things to clear up, but I think it’s safe to tell you now, this job is as good as yours.

RON
Really? Thank you so much. You’ll not regret it.

INTERVIEWER
I’m sure we won’t, but before I hire you, I have to ask why you fell out with your last boss.

RON
Oh, it was just some misunderstanding.

INTERVIEWER
I see. Because for your reason for dismissal from your previous job, all he has written is "Mr McDonald is a complete bastard!"

RON
Like I said, it’s nothing.

INTERVIEWER
Well I can’t hire you unless I know what the problem was. If you want I can contact your previous boss and…

RON
Alright, I’ll tell you

CUTS TO A FLASHBACK AS RON NARRATES.
FIRSTLY WE SEE RON TALKING WITH A GOOD LOOKING OLDER WOMAN.

RON
Well you see I meet this girl at work that I liked. Turned out she liked me too and well…

CUTS TO RON AND THE WOMAN MAKING OUT WITH ONE AND OTHER WHILST REMOVING THEIR CLOTHES. THEY ARE ON A DESK IN A CONFERENCE ROOM. THEY NOTICE A MIRROR.

RON (TO THE WOMAN)
I wonder what that mirror is for?

WOMAN
Who cares? Just hurry up and do me!

CUTS TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR WHICH HAPPENS TO BE A TWO WAY MIRROR. A GROUP OF BUSINESSMEN AND WOMEN ARE THERE, WATCHING THEM.

THE SCENE RETURNS TO RON’S INTERVIEW.

RON
As if that wasn’t bad enough it turned out to be the boss’s wife. And that’s why he doesn’t like me.

NOTICING THE LOOK OF CONCERN ON HIS INTERVIEWERS FACE

RON
Not that I would try anything on with your wife. I mean look at her (points to photo of his wife on his desk).

HE THEN NOTICES HIS INTERVIEWER IS STARTING TO LOOK ANGRY

RON
Not that I wouldn’t have sex with her, I mean, she’s still do-able… I no longer have this job right?

THE INTERVIEWER NODS.

RON (SARCASTICALLY)
Great.

3. INT. CYBERWORLD (SHOP AREA)

IT IS NEAR CLOSING TIME AND THE ONLY CUSTOMER REMAINING IS THE ONE BEING SERVED BY CALVIN. A MAN, RAYMOND PARKER, ENTERS. RAYMOND HAS A VERY SCRUFFY APPEARANCE AND IS SMOKING. HE SPEAKS IN A VERY BOARD VOICE.

CALVIN (TO CUSTOMER)
Okay, thank-you. Goodbye now.

CALVIN NOTICES RAYMOND

CALVIN
Excuse me, but there’s no smoking in here.

RAYMOND
Oh. Right. Well anyway, I’m here for a job interview

CALVIN
Ah right. You must be Raymond. If you want to go on through to the backroom there and get ready, I’ll be on through in a second.

RAYMOND GOES INTO THE BACKROOM. CALVIN TAKES OUT A STOCK BOOK AND WRITES IN IT. WHEN HE IS FINISHED HE ENTERS THE BACKROOM.

CALVIN ENTERS THE ROOM TO FIND RAYMOND WITH HIS FEET UP ON THE DESK, ONCE AGAIN SMOKING.

CALVIN (SARCASTICALLY)
Oh. Please do make yourself at home. It’s not as if you’re at a job interview or anything important.

RAYMOND
Sorry.

CALVIN
And I already told you out there that there’s no smoking in here.

RAYMOND
No, you said there was no smoking in the shop. You never said anything about the backroom.

CALVIN
What’s the difference, I said there’s no smoking in here, as in, in this building. I’m sorry that I considered you to have an I.Q. higher than a chipmunk when I said that to you.

RAYMOND
Okay, calm down, I’ll put it out. God, you’re worse than my parents.

HE PUTS OUT HIS CIGARETTE.

CALVIN
Right well basically I’ve just got a few simple questions to ask you. Firstly, what previous experience do you have?

RAYMOND (AFTER A PAUSE)
None.

CALVIN
Okay. Well what do you feel you’ll bring to this business?

RAYMOND (AFTER ANOTHER PAUSE)
Dunno.

CALVIN
Right, so why exactly is it you want this job?

RAYMOND (SHRUGS)
I need fag money, so rents told me to get a job.

CALVIN
Riiight, well lastly I’d like to ask you why you feel we should hire you?

RAYMOND SAYS NOTHING AND JUST SHRUGS.

CALVIN
Okay, that’s the end of our interview. I’m afraid I have to tell you that we won’t be hiring you, you just didn’t have the right… erm… ‘qualities’ for this job.

RAYMOND STARTS SPEAKING WITH A WELL-SPOKEN ACCENT.

RAYMOND
Well thanks very much for your time anyway. It was nice meeting you.

CALVIN
Wait. Why are you speaking like that?

RAYMOND
Oh, I always speak this way. I was only acting like a waster because I had to come here for this interview or I wouldn’t get my dole money this month. I don’t need a job in a place like this anyway. At the end of summer I’m going to university to study astrophysics. Well anyway, thanks for the interview.

RAYMOND SHAKES THE HAND OF CALVIN WHO APPEARS TO BE LOST FOR WORDS, AND LEAVES.

CALVIN (TO HIMSELF)
God I hope the rest of the interviews go better than that.

These are quite funny. Calvin sounds a bit like Bernard Black from Black books, just less smoky. And drinky. And... well, ok. Not Bernard.

Quote: KevDP4L @ June 28 2008, 3:51 PM BST

Well after my excuse for a synopsis suffered some very bad critque here the other day I decided I would maybe try and redeem myself a bit by posting the first few scenes of the pilot episode of my sitcom 'Cyberworld' seeing as everyone else is.

View original

You're an optimist. I''ll give you that...

"You’ve probably got less pubes than a college girl with low self-esteem." That is a clunker. And I barely understand it.

In what world do shop staff slap customers?

A forgot-to-hang-up gag? It is going to have to be bloody original. Sorry, but this isn't.

RON IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB IN THE MAILROOM OF A LARGE FIRM. How do the audience know this? If they don't need to know this do, do we?

I used to say I had nothing against cutaways, but I am starting to change my mind. Unless they are structual, as in Coupling, they are best avoided. (Sootyj, add it to your list.)

Why mention the mirror? The audience can see it. As soon as it is mentioned the gag has been given away. And where is he working? A police station?

I guessed what Raymond was up to within about two lines. (You could maybe make it work as an inversion, Calvin says it obvious what you are doing, only for it turn out Raymond really is as thick and charmless as he appears.)

Sorry, but it is tough love in here.

Quote: Griff @ June 28 2008, 4:25 PM BST

I'm guessing he's implying college girls with low self esteem shave their minges off to please their menfolk.

View original

That was my assumption, but it is a bit tortured.

Me, I like a furry muff.

Quote: Timbo @ June 28 2008, 4:20 PM BST

You're an optimist. I''ll give you that...

"You’ve probably got less pubes than a college girl with low self-esteem." That is a clunker. And I barely understand it.

In what world do shop staff slap customers?

A forgot-to-hang-up gag? It is going to have to be bloody original. Sorry, but this isn't.

RON IS IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INTERVIEW FOR A JOB IN THE MAILROOM OF A LARGE FIRM. How do the audience know this? If they don't need to know this do, do we?

I used to say I had nothing against cutaways, but I am starting to change my mind. Unless they are structual, as in Coupling, they are best avoided.

Why mention the mirror? The audience can see it. As soon as it is mentioned the gag has been given away. And where is he working? A police station?

I guessed what Raymond was up to within about two lines. (You could maybe make it work as an inversion, Calvin says it obvious what you are doing, only for it turn out Raymond really is as thick and charmless as he appears.)

Sorry, but it is tough love in here.

View original

Surely to be a writer you need to be a bit of an optimist

I'll agree that maybe one or two bits are a bit patronising and I'll consider whether or not it's worth changing them before sending it off to production companies.

And don't worry about giving bad critisim. Better from someone on these forums than someone at a production company after I've submitted it, so thanks for being honest.

Quote: Timbo @ June 28 2008, 4:27 PM BST

Me, I like a furry muff.

View original

I'm surprised you get any.

Some of the dialogue is way too long. The lines need to be shorter and sharper IMO.

Not enough jokes, for me.

Common problem on here: Just lots of dialogue, the occasional 'ker-azy' cut away and not much else.

The was a very clunky one-liner in the opening, as highlighted, and I could see producers stopping at that point. You have to start strong, and that wasn't.

If you are asked to submit only 10 pages by a production company does it matter which 10? I mean yes, I agree that it's probably common sense to sumbit the first 10 pages, however if you feel that you can pick out a better bit would it be worthwhile submitting it instead, or would that just look unprofessional submitting a bit halfway into an episode and now I'm rambling... But anyway, can yous give advice on this please, because if I would be better to submit 10 different pages I would probably submit the next few scenes instead which are below:

4. INT. CYBERWORLD (BACKROOM)

CALVIN IS INTERVIEWING ANOTHER APPLICANT. THE APPLICANT IS AN ELDERLY MAN.

CALVIN
So what previous experience do you have?

ELDERLY MAN
Well now, lets see. In 1942 I joined the army to fight in the war, then after the war was over I moved here to England.

CALVIN
Oh, so you’re American then?

ELDERLY MAN
No, I’m German.

CALVIN STARTS GIVING AN EXAGGERATED NERVOUS FACIAL EXPRESSION.

ELDERLY MAN
Anyway, as I was saying. I moved to England where I entered politics, but unfortunately there wasn’t much support for an English based Nazi party and we eventually ended up being forced to stop because there was already a BNP in existence that was too similar to us. So I went to work for TESCO instead, until they sacked me.

CALVIN
Right, well…erm… okay. So why did TESCO sack you then?

ELDERLY MAN
Well apparently it’s considered inappropriate to have an opinion these days. All I said was I didn’t see any problem with the holocaust, I mean, it’s not as if I skiving from work or anything.

CAMERA MOVES BACK TO CALVIN WHO HAS A LOOK OF SHOCK ON HIS FACE.

ELDERLY MAN
So have I got the job then?

5. EXT. OUTSIDE A JOB CENTRE

RON IS OUTSIDE THE JOB CENTRE

RON (THINKING)
Right, get in, get application forms, get out quick and get to bank before it closes.

HE ENTERS THE JOB CENTRE TO FIND THERE IS A MASSIVE QUEUE.

RON (THINKING)
Damn it!

RON NOTICES A WOMAN WITH A GOOD BODY BENT OVER AT A WATER COOLER GETTING A
DRINK.

RON (THINKING)
Well, at least the view is good

THE WOMAN STANDS UPRIGHT AND TURNS ROUND. IT TURNS OUT IT IS IN FACT A MAN.

RON (THINKING)
Er… Yes… That view behind the reception is indeed good. Wait. No one can here your thoughts. So what, you mistook that hot guy for a girl. Wait, did I just think that guy was hot even though I know he’s a guy? Naw, it’s a mistake that could happen to anyone. Sure remember that time at Kenny’s when you got off with… NO, you said you’d never think of that ever again. Anyway, hopefully this wait won’t be too long.

SCREEN COMES UP "TWO HOURS LATER"
RON IS NOW 2ND IN THE QUEUE.

RON (THINKING)
Well so much for getting to the bank. Now I’ve nothing for dinner when I get in, well, aside from that packet of mini Jaffa cakes. Why does everyone always argue whether or not they’re a biscuit or a cake? Surely the more concerning issue is, what the hell is Jaffa? I always thought they were aliens from Stargate, but I somehow doubt that if we ever found that aliens existed we’d sell them to McVitie’s to be turned into a tasty biscuit/cake type product. See this is why you flunked out of that philosophy course. Two hours in a queue and this is the most intelligent thing you’ve thought of?

THE PERSON IN FRONT OF RON LEAVES. RON GOES UP TO THE COUNTER.

RON
It’s about time.

FEMALE RECEPTIONIST
Sorry, but I’m away for my break here

RON
What?!?! I’ve been in this queue two hours. I demand to see someone.

FEMALE RECEPTIONIST
Calm down sir. There’ll be someone here in just a minute to cover for me. Ah, here he is now.

THE "HE" WHO HAS JUST ARRIVED TURNS OUT TO BE THE GUY RON HAD ACCIDENTLY CHECKED OUT EARLIER.

RON (THINKING)
Oh no, it’s him.

MALE RECEPTIONIST
Hi there, how may I help you?

RON (QUICKLY)
I’m not gay!

MALE RECEPTIONIST
Sorry?

RON
Oh, I meant to say, I’m here to talk to someone about what vacancies are available.

MALE RECEPTIONIST
Well this is the queue for people collecting their dole money. That desk over there is the one for people who want to apply for jobs.

THE MALE RECEPTIONIST POINTS TO ANOTHER RECEPTION DESK WITH NO QUEUE AT ALL. THE RECPTIONIST BEHIND THAT DESK HAS A BORED LOOK ON HER FACE AND A TUMBLEWEED BLOWS PAST THE FRONT OF THE DESK.

RON
Well that’s just great. I wish I had have just done what that ad earlier said to.

SCENE FLASHES TO THE ADVERTISMENT RON WAS REFERRING TO. IT IS AN AD THAT SHOWS VARIOUS PEOPLE DOING A VARIETY OF HOBBIES WHILST A NARRATOR SPEAKS OVER IT.

NARRATOR
Would you like to earn up to £18,000 a year with the chance of getting a free car without having to leave your home? How about not having to go to work 365 days a year? And as if that’s not enough we’ll even give you a house rent free? Want to learn more? Head to your nearest jobs & benefits centre to find out how much we can give you. It’s that simple! The Northern Ireland jobs & benefits office – Funding the downfall of society since 1992.

6. INT. CYBERWORLD (SHOP AREA)

CALVIN IS ON THE PHONE WITH HIS BOSS.

CALVIN
Look Mr Lennon, I’m happy enough to do these interviews, but can you try and make sure you don’t give them to people who don’t actually want the job, and people whom Hitler’s soul possesses.
Yes.
Yep, there’s two more today, then one tomorrow, hopefully none of whom also happen to come from the mental asylum.
Right, goodbye now.

A CUSTOMER COMES UP TO THE TILL. THE CUSTOMER IS A CHAV IN HIS LATE TEENS, WHO IS THERE TO TRY AND GET A REFUND FOR A GAME.

CHAV
Here mate, I want a refund for this game I bought yesterday. It doesn’t work.

CALVIN LIFTS THE GAME OUT OF IT’S BOX TO FIND THAT THE CD IS IN 2 PIECES.

CALVIN
I wonder why.

CHAV
Well anyway, I need a refund.

CALVIN
Alright, here you go.

CALVIN TAKES A TWENTY POUND NOTE OUT OF THE TILL AND RIPS IT IN TWO, THEN OFFERS IT TO THE CHAV.

CHAV
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?

CALVIN
Well I’ll be using sellotape on that CD you gave me. If you stick around you can use it, no pun intended.

CALVIN LIFTS SOME SELLOTAPE OFF THE COUNTER AND PROCEEDS TO WRAP IT AROUND THE CD SEVERAL TIMES TO STICK BOTH PIECES TOGETHER. HE THEN HANDS THE SELLOTAPE OVER TO THE CHAV, WHO STARTS TAPING THE TWENTY POUND NOTE BACK TOGETHER.

CALVIN
There we go, now we’re all happier than Michael Jackson in a kid in a candy store.

THE CHAV FINISHES WITH THE SELLOTAPE AND HANDS IT BACK TO CALVIN. AS HE DOES THIS, CALVIN SNATCHES THE TWENTY POUND NOTE FROM HIS OTHER HAND AND PUTS IT BACK IN THE TILL.

CHAV
Hey! Give that back!

CALVIN
I’m sorry, but there’s a twenty pound sellotape usage fee. Thank you, please come again.

THE CHAV LEAVES ANGRILY.

7. EXT. STREET

RON IS WALKING ALONG THE SAME STREET THAT CYBERWORLD IS ON.

RON (THINKING)
Well that was totally worth it. Queue for two hours to be told that not many places are going to hire a university drop-out with hardly any qualifications. Apparently that job centre must if that’s the best they can do to help me.
God I’m starving. I should have just gone to the bank instead, that way I could afford to get something for dinner. Not that I can afford it anyway without a job. All I need some sort of sign to tell me what I should do.

RON LOOKS OVER AT A WINDOW AS HE SAYS THIS LAST LINE. IT IS THE SHOP WINDOW FOR CYBERWORLD WHICH HAS A "HELP WANTED" SIGN. A HEAVENLY CHOIR CAN BE HEARD AS LIGHT SHINES UPON THE SIGN.

RON (THINKING)
That’s it!

THE CAMERA ANGLE CHANGES TO SHOW THAT RON IS IN FACT LOOKING AT A MCDONALDS ADVERTISMENT, IN THE MCDONALDS NEXT TO CYBERWORLD, FOR THE POUND SAVER MENU.

RON (THINKING)
Look’s like I can afford dinner after-all!

RON ENTERS THE MCDONALDS

8. INT. CYBERWORLD (BACKROOM)

CALVIN IS INTERVIEWING ANOTHER APPLICANT. THIS APPLICANT IS A VERY ENERGETIC, EXCITABLE GIRL IN HER LATE TEENS.

GIRL
Well the main reason I’ve applied is like because I need the money for like uni and stuff, but like that isn’t to say I don’t know a thing or two about like games and stuff. I mean, I wouldn’t say I’m like an expert or anything like, but like I know the difference between a Nintendo Wii and like a Sony Playbox.

CALVIN
Yes, well…

THE GIRL CONTINUES TALKING, NOT ALLOWING CALVIN TO INTERRUPT.

GIRL
I reckon I’d be good at like helping customers, cause everyone’s always saying like "Awk your like really nice"

CALVIN
Okay, and…

THE GIRL CONTINUES TALKING AGAIN

GIRL
But I mean like, that’s not to say I wouldn’t be able to handle myself if any customers started to like give me bother, cause like, I used to be in charge of like a wee shop in school, and like there was this one time, when like…

CALVIN
ENOUGH! My God, you’re like a toddler on crack. Don’t you understand the concept of an interview? I ask questions, you answer them. You don’t need to give a speech. Also there is no such thing as a Sony Playbox! It’s Sony Playstation and Microsoft Xbox! They are two different consoles!

GIRL
Sorry. But like, I already said I didn’t know much about games like.

CALVIN
Stop saying like! You’re like butchering the English language! If I have to hear you say the word ‘like’ again, I’m going to go and get a shotgun and go Kurt Cobain on my ass!

GIRL
Okay. I’ll like, stop saying it.

CALVIN
You just said it! Right, that does it. I’m afraid I have to inform you that you have been unsuccessful in your application for this job. Don’t like, let the door like hit you on like the ass on the way out like!

Quote: wayne lewis @ June 28 2008, 8:45 PM BST

I'm surprised you get any.

View original

Someone told me a long while back to avoid 'or' combinations in a gag line as it dilutes the joke. Instead of Peter Pan or the Lost Boys, choose the one that matches your idea closest and ditch the alternative. The gag reads the same, is shorter, and there's no longer a second alternative that encroachs into the laugh from first part.

Quote: KevDP4L @ June 28 2008, 9:12 PM BST

If you are asked to submit only 10 pages by a production company does it matter which 10?

View original

Think about it logically - your opening 10 should intro the charcters, set up the plot and sub plot and leave you wanting to know how it developes. If you take a random 10 you miss all that.

In addition....if you think you have 10 good pages in the middle and not the start then re-do the start!

It's quite obvious really - post the first 10, so the reader gets introduced to the characters as a viewer would.