Quick Sketch

Just a quick one for an idea I had. Be gentle:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT [00:30]

MAN [LATE 20s] AND WOMAN [LATE 20s] ARE IN BED. MAN HAS LOWER BODY COVERED BY THE DUVET WITH HIS ARMS OVER THE TOP. WOMAN HAS DUVET IN HER HANDS LIFTED UP OVER HER BOSOM TO APPEAR AS IF SHE IS WEARING NOTHING.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE FOR A FEW SECONDS.

WOMAN:
(LOOKING AWAY) I can’t believe you.

MAN:
(SCRATING HEAD) I’m sorry.

WOMAN:
(ANGRY, LOOKING BACK TOWARDS HIM) No your not. Don’t lie to me. You do nothing but lie, and cheat. Your full of shit, and you’d do it all again if you had a chance, I know you would.

MAN:
(PUTTING HAND ON HER SHOULDER) Don’t be like that.

WOMAN:
(SLAPPING HAND AWAY) Don’t touch me. You don’t deserve to touch me. You are scum, you know that? (ALMOST CRYING) I feel so manipulated.

MAN:
I’m really sorry. I can’t say more than that.

WOMAN:
Don’t!

ANOTHER AWKWARD PAUSE LASTING A FEW SECONDS.

WOMAN:
(GETTING OUT OF BED AND WALKING OUT OF SHOT) I’m never playing Monopoly with you again!

MAN SHRUGS

FADE OUT

I liked it but would have more nudity as i am a pervert.

I loved it but got to agree with ajp's comment, it does need more nudity, you can never get enough nudity, apart from when Ann Widocombe takes anything off, she should just stay clothed all the time (not like she doesn't, don't worry your missing it in this weeks nuts mag when that occurs i will worn you), ow good sketch, great ending, brilliant use of words to make it seem serious.

The spirit of Charley Rance lives!

Quote: Baumski @ May 14, 2007, 8:28 PM

The spirit of Charley Rance lives!

View original

Who?

I'm not sure if I'm missing something here or not. I've read it through a few times just to be sure...

Essentially, this doesn't really work. Mind you, it's only my opinion so don't take it to heart or anything. I'm just puzzled by the ending... in that the 'twist' (ah, they're not talking about him cheating on her in a sexual sense) doesn't carry enough weight. Why Monopoly, for example... do people play Monopoly in bed? Maybe they do... or perhaps they played Monopoly earlier, downstairs, while fully clothed? Either way... if you're going to use a twist of this nature, it really has to fit the circumstances for BOTH the feint and 'reveal'.

Does that make sense?

I'm no sketch writer but i would possibly work on another angle "you have spent all my money on cheap hotels, where who knows wht you get up to in" then metion this whole cheating thing then go for the end, as i said i think it works and found it funny, well done.

Quote: Leevil @ May 14, 2007, 8:30 PM

Who?

View original

Boy are you gonna be in big trouble when she gets back, Lee.

Run, run until you can't run any more then there is a tiny possibility she won't find you.

RIP Lee

It was after writing it that i realised i should have developed the dialogue more. It is supposed to seem as if he got her into bed by lieing, i.e. one night stand sort of thing. The twist at the end was that actually he had just lied to her in a game of Monopoly in order to win. If you've ever played Monopoly with a friend or family member then you would know how frustrating it gets, so i was playing on that idea. I may take it back a do a second draft of it, because i know what people are saying on how it doesn't work.

I think it's almost there...

You just need a reason which covers both them being in bed talking about a relationship issue (as we're led to believe)... AND the punchline.

Lewis's 'cheap hotels' is a nice idea... play on the structure of Monopoly (the hotels, train stations etc.) and then the ending not only makes sense but is also funny.

I don't recall any opportunities for lying in Monopoly. But, then, I always lost.
I was going to suggest (well, I still am) that she complains in bed about the aches she has after all the strange positions he has put her body through. And then she says "I’m never playing Twister with you again!'

I agree with lewis, add lines like his and 'you sent me to jail' etc.

I don't know who this Charley bird is, does she post often?

Does she has enough bosom to share around?

It could be a community chest.