This is an excerpt from an old sitcom script I have dusted off and am considering reviving and reworking. I know I need to do more work on the scenario, but I wondered what people thought of the style. e.g. pacing, characterisation, is it funny? etc.
Set up: Simon (wimpy, sarcastic) lodges with Sean (loud, coarse) and his alarming extended family. Simon fancies hippy chick librarian Kim. Kim thinks of Simon as a friend, and of Sean as pond life.
In this episode Sean's latest girlfriend, Angela, has been experiencing unexplained happenings in her new flat. Km suspects that it is being haunted by the former tenant, and has organised a séance.
4. INT. SIMON'S BEDROOM
SIMON IS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, BUTTONING ON A RATHER TASTELESS SHIRT. HE STRIKES A COUPLE OF POSES, DECIDES AGAINST IT, AND SELECTS ANOTHER, JUST AS NAFF, FROM A PILE ON THE BED.
SEAN (OOV)
You ready?
SIMON
Won't be a sec.
SEAN LETS HIMSELF IN.
SEAN (TAKING IN THE SHIRTS)
Getting tarted up to see Kimmie?
SIMON (OBVIOUSLY LYING)
I was just trying to find one that was clean.
SEAN MAKES HIMSELF AT HOME.
SEAN
So what's the form with this seance lark, then?
SIMON
Casual dress is perfectly acceptable. I don't think we're planning on raising royalty.
SEAN
No, I mean like what actually happens?
SIMES
Well, we sit round in a circle and hold hands...
SEAN
Holding hands with Kim, eh? You going to be playing footsie an' all?
SIMON
...we sit round in a circle, and then Kim's Auntie Cissy, who's the medium - though meself I'd say she was the best part of a size 20 - asks if there (SPOOKY VOICE) is anybody out there? At which point some joker usually tries to get everyone going by rapping on the table. I should think tonight that's going to be you.
SEAN (MOCK OFFENDED)
What me?
SIMON GIVES HIM WHAT HE IS PLEASED TO THINK IS A WITHERING LOOK.
SEAN
But come on, does anybody really answer?
SIMON
Oh yeah, Kim's uncle Percy, Cis's old man. He's her control - her spirit guide.
SEAN
Give over.
SIMON
'Course there's only Cissy can actually hear him.
SEAN (ROLLS EYES)
And this old biddy, and her invisible better half, what do they find to jaw about?
SIMON
Well, gen'rally the first thing is Perce wants to know how his pigeons are doing. He was a fancier, used to race 'em see. The way Kim tells it, he thought more of those pigeons than he did of Cissy. He was afraid that when he passed on she was going to...
SIMON PAUSES TO FIND THE RIGHT WORD.
SEAN
Neglect them?
SIMON
No, casserole 'em. Kim reckons that's the only reason he stays in touch - he's keeping a beady one on Cissy to see she doesn't make too free with the cook-in sauce. Anyhows, if there's a particular spook as Cis wants to have a chinwag with, old Perce rounds them up for her.
SEAN
So lets just get this straight. We're going to spend the evening round at Angie's gaff, listening to Kim's barking auntie jabbering to herself? Sounds a waste of precious drinking time to me.
SIMON
The Wheelbarrow can survive an evening without your custom. Might need to reschedule the mortgage payments, but, hey! Hows about Angela? You infected her with your cynicism?
SEAN
She's well up for it. Kim's got her freaked out at the idea of this horny old dear departed clocking all her naughty bits. Won't let me lay a finger on her in the flat.
SIMON
So his afterlife is putting the kybosh on your lovelife?
SEAN
That's about the strength of it. The daft mare won't take a shower without wearing her swimming cossie.
SIMON
You can see it from the stiff's point of view though. I mean, if you're a disembodied spirit it beats hanging out round the boneyard.
SEAN
Well, yeah - but you could do better. Me, I'd be haunting the ladies changing rooms at the All England Club. All them lezzie tennis starlets. Phwoar!
SIMON (LAUGHING)
Dirty sod. (PULLING ON HIS JACKET) We set then?
SEAN
I reckon. Let's go raise the dead.
THEY GO OUT THE DOOR. A MOMENT LATER SIMON COMES BACK IN AGAIN TO CHECK HIS APPEARANCE IN THE MIRROR. SEAN GRABS HIS ARM AND DRAGS HIM BACK OUT AGAIN.
5. INT. ANGELA'S FLAT
THE LIGHT ARE DIMMED. SEAN, ANGELA, CISSY, KIM AND SIMON ARE SAT IN A CIRCLE ROUND A LITTLE TABLE, HOLDING HANDS. CISSY IS A FAIRLY ORDINARY LOOKING PENSIONER.
KIM
Right, is everyone sitting comfortably this time? No one else wants to go to the loo?
ANGELA (TO SIMON, GIGGLING)
I was 'fraid that if anyfin' spooky 'appened I might pee meself.
SIMON LOOKS EMBARRASSED. TO ADD TO HIS DISCOMFORT HE IS FINGING IT DIFFICULT TO KEEP HIS EYES OFF OF ANGELA'S CLEAVAGE.
KIM
Then we'll begin. Auntie?
CISSY
Right ho, dear.
CISSY CLOSES HER EYES AND GOES INTO A SORT OF TRANCE. THEY SIT IN SILENCE, ANGELA ON THE EDGE OF HER SEAT, KIM QUIETLY EXPECTANT, SIMON TRYING TO SCRATCH AN ITCH ON HIS NOSE WITHOUT USING HIS HANDS, AND SEAN LOOKING BORED. AFTER A SHORT WHILE THERE IS A KNOCKING. ANGELA IS PLAINLY TERRIFIED.
KIM
Cut it out, Sean.
SEAN
Oh, alright.
ANGELA GIVES HIM A BLACK LOOK.
CISSY
Are you there?
THERE IS A LONG SILENCE.
SEAN
I think they're out. Leave a message on the ans'rin' machine and tell 'em to call back later.
ANGELA (TO SEAN)
Don't.
SEAN
Well.
KIM
Can we get on?
MORE SILENCE.
SEAN
We've still time to get down the Wheelbarrow for last orders.
ANGELA (IMPLORING)
Porky-worky!
SIMON
Porky-worky?!?
KIM
This is...
CISSY
Oh, there you are, about time to - these young people can't be hanging around for you all evening... Yes... Yes... No, they're all fine... Yes, including the one with the broken wing... I know plenty of exercise... Percy! (ASIDE) Him and his bloody pigeons.
SIMON HAS A LOOK OF 'I TOLD YOU SO'; SEAN IS STILL SCEPTICAL; ANGELA IS RIVETED.
CISSY
Now are you listening?... Kimmie and her friends have asked me... What?... No, I certainly shan't put a bet on for you.. (ASIDE) Who's Sir Gordon Richards when he's at home? (TO PERCY) I don't care if it was Mill Reef who gave you the tip. I'm not... Because you wasted quite enough money on that sort of thing when you were alive, that's why... We'll it's not your money now... Don't you take that tone of voice with me... Percy Allardyce, I've just got two words I want to say to you: "pigeon pie".
THERE IS A MEANINGFUL PAUSE.
CISSY
I should think so to! Now stop being such a cantankerous, bad-tempered, sour...
KIM
Auntie...
CISSY
Well, he's such a miserable old devil. (TO PERCY) Right, now, we want to speak to a...
SHE LOOKS TO ANGELA
ANGELA
Reg 'Awkins.
CISSY
To a Mr. Reginald Hawkin, late of...
ANGELA
84B Strathspey House...
CISSY
84B Strathspey House...
ANGELA
Dorset Gardens, Walthamstow.
CISSY
Dorset Gardens, Walthamstow. (INCREDULOUS) Postcode?! (SHRUGS, THEN ASIDE TO ANGELA) Postcode?
ANGELA
E10..
CISSY
E10...
ANGELA
3SQ.
CISSY
3 SQ. (ASIDE) He says to hang on.
SEAN (TO SIMON)
You don't buy into all this do you?
ANGELA (REPROVINGLY)
Darling...
SEAN
She's battier than Bruce Wayne's basement.
KIM
Sssh!
CISSY (TO PERCY)
You've got him... Oh good.. Can you ask him... (ASIDE TO ANGELA) What is it you want to ask him, love?
ANGELA
Whether he thinks it's right for a dead person to go around spying on people.
KIM
Um... just ask him if he's been visiting his old flat at all.
CISSY
Did you catch that Perce?... He says he hasn't?... It's just that there's a young lady living here now, and she doesn't think much of the idea of having someone watching her about her business... (ASIDE TO ANGELA) Isn't that right, dear.
ANGELA NODS
CISSY (TO PERCY)
No... Nobody is accusing him of anything... Well that's all very respectable I'm sure... Happily married for twenty-nine years you say... Never so much as looked at another woman... Even after his Alice crossed over... With Monty at El Alamein?... Royal Engineers? Really? So was our Lionel!... That's right, lance corporal... Simpson L.S.... He knew him!?...
SEAN (GETTING UP)
She needs to be in a room with 12 tog wallpaper.
ANGELA (UPSET)
Porky-worky!
SEAN RESIGNEDLY SITS DOWN AGAIN, AND DISAPPEARS BENEATH THE TABLE. ANGELA SUPPRESSES A GIGGLE.
SEAN (OOV)
Who moved the rotten chair?
ANGELA, KIM AND SIMON LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER.
CISSY
Well, according to Percy, Mr. Hawkins swears blind it wasn't him.