Sitcom Synopsis

Having trouble writing my synopsis for a sitcom I'm writing and was just hoping to get a bit of critique on what I've written so far and also to see if people can point out things I've missed out from it that a synopsis should have. Anyway, here is is:

‘Cyberworld’ is a sitcom set in a small video-games store in Belfast. It is managed by Calvin Bellamy; a wise-cracking guy in his early 20’s who embraces the fact that he is a nerd. Calvin is never shy of expressing his opinion, which often lands him in arguments with anyone and everyone around him, however despite coming across as an asshole to many customers, it soon becomes apparent that it’s just his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has to put up with from them (After-all, they are ‘Norn Irish’ let’s not forget!)

Ron McDonald, also in his early 20’s, finds himself working in Cyberworld after he is unable to get a job elsewhere. Ron is a trendy individual who is certainly better around people than Calvin (but then there are only a select few who aren’t, mainly only hermits of some kind), however that’s not to say he can’t hold his own in an argument.

Together they become involved in a series of hilarious predicaments including Calvin trying his luck at dating despite his inability to function normally around women, Ron helping Calvin train for a boxing match against the owner of a local rival store and Ron being hypnotised by a computer game, making him want to blow up Belfast Zoo.

It's on route, but you need more characters, and more of a distinctive hook. In my opionion.

I would avoid the phrase involved in a series of hilarious predicaments.

We need to know what engine of the show is.
What is it that they want- what stops them getting etc.

Men Behaving Badly was a Likely Lads for the Ninetes. What is this?

Quote: Marc P @ June 26 2008, 4:05 PM BST

I would avoid the phrase involved in a series of hilarious predicaments.

We need to know what engine of the show is.
What is it that they want- what stops them getting etc.

Men Behaving Badly was a Likely Lads for the Ninetes. What is this?

View original

Okay. Consider the phrase lost.

This is sort of a Clerks meets Black Books style of thing (that would maybe be the best analogy i can think of). Alot of the humour is in the dialogue and the character interaction more than the situations they find themselves in. There's no real one writing style to it to be honest though, because it is derived from several influences which is part of the reason why I've found it so hard to write a synopsis for.

Quote: Griff @ June 26 2008, 4:19 PM BST

One thing producers will be wanting to know from your synopsis is "what does this sitcom have that others don't", what is the unique selling point. I'm not saying that all sitcoms have to be high-concept. But how is this different from, say, Spaced, for example ? (I'm not asking you to justify your sitcom to us, by the way, just suggesting some ways to think about your synopsis.)

View original

See that's exactly the problem I'm having. I can't really think what seperates it from other sitcom's other than to say something like "It has a unique style of writing" (which is alot of crap to be putting down, because let's face it everyone has a unique style of writing). In essence it's very similar to alot of current sitcoms except it's just sort of my take on it, so my problem is trying to get that across without making it sound boring.

I agree with Sootyj that you need more of a hook. From your synopsis it sounds like a very parochial setting. I'm a gamer myself but honestly, how many TV viewers want to watch the exploits of a couple of guys in a computer store? I'm betting a fair few eyes glaze over at the mere mention of an X-Box.

Also, when you create a cross ("It's [blank] meets [blank]") it's traditional to use two elements seemingly incongruous with one another.

ie. Jaws in space (Alien)

Black Books are Clerks are both about digruntled retailers and therefore offer nothing new when combined. You'd be better off saying Black Books in a computer store if you're trying to sum it up concisely. Like I said in the beginning though, you need more than that. And I'd save that last paragraph of yours for a more detailed episode-by-episode breakdown. On a separate sheet.

It doesn't have to be high concept as Griff says. But it does have to be concept. If you are struggling to define that engine it is because you haven't considered it enough. It needs to be there to drive, theoreticaly, five or six series. It needs to demonstrate legs. If it's very similar to a lot of sitcoms you are rowing uphill in a leaking bobsleigh - so make it easier for yourself in terms of pitch and writing and see how you can make it different.

right now it sounds like two blokes having some wacky banter (did you really use the word "wisecracking" )

also this line "A lot of the humour is in the dialogue and the character interaction more than the situations they find themselves in." sounds to me like someone who's been so impressed by the banter element of a show they've missed the fact it was hung over a great story.

something I was told recently, which helped me, was write a great story then make it funny....its very easy to start with two wise asses but then struggle to get them into a plot!

I'm not sure what to suggest except that you've spelt 'arsehole' wrong.

I'd always start with an intriguing tag line. To grab the reader.

Thanks for all the advise, has been very helpful. Came up with a second draft of it there and here's how it looks now:

Gamers of Belfast beware, you’ve meet your worst nightmare! Okay, maybe an often bad-tempered manager in your local video game story isn’t exactly your ‘worst’ nightmare, but come on, it’d be a bit annoying you’d have to admit.

‘Cyberworld’ is a sitcom set in a small video-games store in Belfast. It is managed by Calvin Bellamy; a quick-witted guy in his early 20’s who embraces the fact that he is a nerd. Calvin is never shy of expressing his opinion, which often lands him in arguments with anyone and everyone around him, however despite coming across as an asshole to many customers, it soon becomes apparent that it’s just his way of dealing with some of the stuff he has to put up with from them (After-all, they are ‘Norn Irish’ let’s not forget!)

Ron McDonald, also in his early 20’s, is a trendy individual who is certainly better around people than Calvin (but then there are only a select few who aren’t, mainly only hermits of some kind), however that’s not to say he can’t hold his own in an argument.

They are brought together to work in Cyberworld by fate (well actually, a ‘help wanted’ ad in the shop window) but despite their differences, they manage to get by without causing each other and the shop too much damage and although they constantly argue, deep down they like each other... probably.

Whilst ‘Cyberworld’ mainly focuses on the exploits of Calvin and Ron there are a large number of supporting characters ranging from the full of himself owner of rival store ‘Games Emporium’ and his creepy assistant, to a German World War II veteran who is still very much a strong Nazi follower.

Still feeling it's maybe a bit short and could a more distinctive ending, however I think we can all agree it's alot better than what I had earlier.

How about making one character an epileptic, who can't play games with out risk of death? And he's managing a games shop.

And maybe another whose a real Dungeons and Dragons nerd, and bores endlessly about the only real games being those with dice, and lead figures?

And they run a World of War Craft site, where the Real IRA are hiding out as Hobbits?

Hope you don't mind suggestions.

i like the idea of an epileptic character.
i think the idea can work. the film eagle vs shark started with a similar premise (geek who works in a game shop who think he's incredibly cool)
you could start the first episode with a midnight launch of a new game, of which they don't have enough copies, lots of irate customers, rioting etc