Happy Birthday Sketch

Just had this idea. Don't know if it's strong enough but hopefully you can decide that for me. Thanks.

A WOMAN (DEBRA) AND A MALE (JOHN) ARE TALKING.

John
So, what did you get him?

Debra
Oh, I got him a lovely pair of trainers.

John
You did? What do they look like?

Debra
There the ones that light up, you know when you jump on the spot?

John
Yeah.

Debra
And they also have them wheels at that back that make the trainers turn into a pair of rollerblades.

John
Trainers that light up and turn into rollerblades?

Debra
Yeah, what's wrong with that?

John
(SIGHS) He's 33.

(CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO REVEAL BANNER THAT SAYS HAPPY 33RD BIRTHDAY PETER)

Debra
Ah (SMILES AWKWARDLY) so I guess he won't want this either? (STEPS TO ONE SIDE TO REVEAL A 'TEENAGE NINJA TURTLE' BICYCLE)

John
I give up, I really do. I'm going out. (OPENS CUPBOARD TO GET COAT AND CLOWN FALLS TO THE FLOOR)

Clown
Suprise!

(JOHN STEPS OVER CLOWN AND LEAVES ROOM)

Not a bad idea. I think you need to cut a few lines to make it snappier before the pull-back-reveal. Also I think the age gap isn;t quite enough. Perhaps if instead of Heelies it was something more obviously only for a very young child and if the guy was, say 30?

Good idea though. I definitely like the clown falling out of the cupboard at the end.

Isn't that just a variation of 'And then I got off the bus!'?

Quote: Griff @ June 25 2008, 1:57 PM BST

Ha! The old birthday surprise eh ? Good topic.

Again, the only advice I would give would be to make the difference between the presents and the receiver's actual age bigger, as someone else has suggested. It seems just about possible to me (as an old fart) that a 21-year-old would scoot about on Heelers. Especially if they were a student. Or a chav in Reading town centre. But probably not a 30-year-old, or better, a 40-year-old ?

I like the clown falling out of the cupboard. Even better if the clown suffers some physical harm, perhaps the birthday boy storms out and slams the door in the clown's face just as the clown is walking in. But then again it is hard to beat the surprise factor of a clown falling out of a cupboard.

Isn't that just a variation of 'And then I got off the bus!'?

No.

View original

Well, it is.

It's basically:

'I got him Heelies and clown for his party . . . He was 33! Ahhhhhhhhh'.

It's a very basic joke premise I'm afraid.

"Isn't that just a variation of 'And then I got off the bus!'?"

Don't mean to sound stupid but what does this mean? Does it mean that the sketch lacks originality?

As I say this was just one of my weaker sketches that I've posted to try and get feedback in oder to improve the sketch. Thanks for all the feeedback guys.

Quote: Paul Carroll @ June 25 2008, 2:04 PM BST

"Isn't that just a variation of 'And then I got off the bus!'?"

Don't mean to sound stupid but what does this mean? Does it mean that the sketch lacks originality?

As I say this was just one of my weaker sketches that I've posted to try and get feedback in oder to improve the sketch. Thanks for all the feeedback guys.

View original

'And then I got off the bus' or 'And that was just the teachers' is a device where you set something up as being one thing, then reveal it to be totally the opposite. Normally involving something horrible or inappropriate.

So you'd say 'I was sat about the other day, wanking over some porn and eating chips right . . . And then I got off the bus.'

'I was getting slapped about at school the other day, and I got a load shit and piss poured over me . . . And that was just the teachers'.

You sketch, all though much more subtle than the above examples, is a variation of that theme I think.

Thanks for the feedack Seefacts, everyone is entitled to there opinion. As I say though this was just a simple idea. It was never anything that was going in my portfolio of sketches. But once again cheers for the advice guys.

Quote: Griff @ June 25 2008, 2:09 PM BST

Well only in that the premise of nearly all jokes, is the pull-back-and-reveal, or something turning out to be inappropriate to its setting - "I walked into a bar, it was an iron bar" etc. ? Anyway I'll leave Paul to defend his own sketch, if he so chooses.

View original

Of course you're right there, however the closer you are to the original joke theory or premise (is that the right word?) the less original and funny it is.

Very boring thoughts on writing there . . .

Quote: Paul Carroll @ June 25 2008, 2:10 PM BST

Thanks for the feedack Seefacts, everyone is entitled to there opinion. As I say though this was just a simple idea. It was never anything that was going in my portfolio of sketches. But once again cheers for the advice guys.

View original

No worries, hope you don't think me a total tit!

I don't know if this is bad form, but a different ending suggested itself to me:

Debra
Yeah, what's wrong with that?

John
He's 33.

Debra
So what are you getting him?

John
Thought I'd take him for a meal.

CUT TO:

INT. MCDONALDS KID'S SECTION - DAY

John and Debra sit at a little table with their Happy Meals.

In the foreground, a 33 year old man scoots back and forth on wheelie trainers. He is incredibly happy.

---------------------------

I think it's maybe cos I'd love a pair of those trainers...

lol Yeah a good ending there James.