INT. OLD FASHIONED PET SHOP. SHOPKEEPER IN BROWN STOREMANS COAT (STOUT, BALD – NOTHING LIKE MIKE PALIN) SERVES BOWLER HATTED CITY-TYPE CUSTOMER (SHORT, NERVOUS – NOTHING LIKE JOHN CLEESE). Arf! Arf!
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes sir?
CUSTOMER:
I’d like a pair of young puppies please.
SHOPKEEPER: (LEERS QUITE UNLIKE ERIC IDLE)
I’ll bet you would sir!
CUSTOMER: (SQUIRMING A BIT)
No, I mean dogs. I want a pair of young dogs.
SHOPKEEPER:
I know some teenage sisters, sir. Right pair of dogs they are…
CUSTOMER: (LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY)
Puppies, man! Children’s pets!
SHOPKEEPER: (SHAKES HIS HEAD AFFIRMATIVELY)
Ah yes (BEAT) can’t help you then.
CUSTOMER: (NODS AT PET SHOP SIGN BEHIND COUNTER)
Don’t you sell pets?
SHOPKEEPER: (SHAKES HAND IN AIR HORIZONTALLY)
Well, yes and no… more and less, it’s a long story - would you like a drink?
CUSTOMER: (EYES A NEWSAGENT-TYPE DRINKS CABINET)
Yes, I’d like a 7up please.
SHOPKEEPER: (SHAKES HIS HEAD AFFIRMATIVELY)
Nope! No can do! Nixster! Wo-ho!
CUSTOMER:
No 7up? But I can see it in the cabinet!
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes sir!
CUSTOMER:
What then?
SHOPKEEPER:
I mean you can’t have any, sir. You LINE a coke instead? (LEERS)
CUSTOMER (MORE FIRMLY):
No, 7up please.
SHOPKEEPER (LEERS):
You’d like 7up?
CUSTOMER:
No, I’d like A 7up.
SHOPKEEPER (LEERS MORE):
You’d like MY 7up?
CUSTOMER: (CONFIDENT NOW)
No, I’d like one of my own.
SHOPKEEPER (SCOTTISH ACCENT):
How aboot a can o’ ser-oop?
CUSTOMER:
Not soup no, I’d like a can of 7up.
SHOPKEEPER (ITALIAN ACCENT):
You like-a can-a-lonie?
CUSTOMER:
Oh I’ve had enough of this, I’m going.
SHOPKEEPER:
Wait, I’ll toss you for a pair of puppies, heads or tails?
CUSTOMER:
I want their heads AND tails!
SHOPKEEPER:
Oh nice one sir, that’s the spirit!
THE SHOPKEEPER PUTS A CAGE WITH TWO PUPPIES ON THE COUNTER AND TOSSES A COIN.
CUSTOMER:
What if I lose?
SHOPKEEPER: (FLATLY)
You go on trial for rape and mutilation.
CUSTOMER: (IGNORES THIS, AS ONLY HAS EYES FOR THE PUPPIES)
…and if I win I get the puppies?
SHOPKEEPER (GENUINE LOOK OF SURPRISE):
Win? (BEAT) Call!
CUSTOMER:
…er, heads!
THE SHOPKEEPER LOOKS AT THE COIN AND SMILES. THE LIGHTS DIM AND A SPOTLIGHT SHINES ON THE CUSTOMER. THE SHOPKEEPER PUTS ON A JUDGES WIG AND SPEAKS TO THE DEFENDANT IN A VERY MATEY MANNER REMINISCENT OF A CHAT IN THE PUB.
JUDGE:
So (PAUSE, RUBS HIS HANDS) you gave her one then, good and proper.
DEFENDANT:
Yes, Millud.
JUDGE:
Have nice tits did she? Only I couldn’t tell from the photographs (BEAT) you’d cut them off!
DEFENDANT: (MILDLY APOLOGETIC)
Oh… sorry, Millud. Yes, a right pair she had Millud, yes.
JUDGE (NODS IN APPRECIATION):
You saw a woman with a right pair on her and you thought, "I’ll have some of that!" and so you raped her and cut off her breasts.
DEFENDANT:
Yes Millud.
JUDGE (CONFIDENTIALLY):
It’s not on you know. Others may have appreciated those tits.
DEFENDANT:
Yes, Millud.
JUDGE:
I’m afraid you’ll have to do better than that.
DEFENDANT:
I mean I’m sorry Millud for depriving others of that succulent tit meat.
JUDGE: (MUSES)
The victim herself was probably quite attached to them… don’t do it again; otherwise next time I’ll have to give you a good talking to!
DEFENDANT:
No Millud. I mean, yes Millud.
THE SPOTLIGHT FADES AND THE LIGHTS COME BACK ON. THE SHOPKEEPER TAKES OFF THE JUDGES WIG.
SHOPKEEPER:
Yes sir!
CUSTOMER: (RELIEVED)
I’d like that 7up now please.
SHOPKEEPER: (PUTS CAN ON COUNTER)
Certainly sir, that’ll be 60p please!
CUSTOMER:
I’ve only got two severed tits …you got change?
SHOPKEEPER:
Mmm a pair of puppies… I dunno mate, it seems a shame to separate them...
END
