1. EXT. GARDEN. ANDREW (LATE THIRTIES/EARLY FORTIES) STANDS AT FENCE WITH BIG PAINTBRUSH AND TIN IN HAND.
WIFE
(O.O.V) Have you done that fence yet?
ANDREW
(UNDER BREATH, MOCKING) Have you done that fence yet? (SHOUTS BACK) Just doing it, won't be long.
ANDREW LOOKS AT TIN.
ANDREW
Right. (READS FROM SIDE) How to open. 1) Disengage clasp A. There's four clasps, which one's A?
HE ROTATES TIN.
(READS) A ... A ... A ... A. What? There are four clasps marked A (BEAT) It must be any of them.
DISENGAGES CLASP. GREEN PAINT SPRAYS FROM TIN INTO HIS FACE. PANICKING, HE CLOSES CLASP AND TRIES ANOTHER. MORE PAINT SPRAYS OUT. HE CLOSES IT. GOES TO THIRD. SUCCESS.
ANDREW
(WIPING FACE) Phew! Right. 2) Swivel off lid anti-clockwise. (DOES SO) Right that's easy enough. Done.
HE PLACES TIN ON GROUND AND ATTEMPTS TO DIP IN PAINTBRUSH. BUT IT'S TOO BIG.
ANDREW
Aaarggh!
HE PICKS UP TIN.
ANDREW
(READS) Trouble-shooting. If you wish to use a non-standard brush (eg BS1269), remove outer ring by rotating clockwise. This will increase paint access aperture. Tut! Fair enough.
HE ROTATES OUTER RING. ENTIRE CONTENTS OF PAINT TIN EMPTY OUT OF BOTTOM OF TIN ALL OVER ANDREW'S TROUSERS AND SHOES, JUST AS WIFE APPEARS.
WIFE
Andrew, you really are a useless twat.
2. EXT. GARDEN. PRODUCT SHOT. TIN ON GARDEN TABLE. IN BACKGROUND OUT OF FOCUS ANDREW AND WIFE ARE ARGUING.
VOICEOVER: Ronseal Twat Baffler. It does exactly what it says on the tin.