No beans

EXT. CATTLE TRAIL CAMP.

THE COOK IS PREPARING SUPPER IN A BIG POT OVER THE CAMPIRE. HE IS RATHER CAMP.

COOK

Grubs up!

ENTER THE TRAIL BOSS, AND COWHANDS, HANK, PETE AND SETH. THEY FILL THEIR PLATES AND SIT ROUND THE CAMPFIRE

TRAIL BOSS

This is what I need after a day in the saddle. A plate of pork and beans. (LOOKS AT PLATE) These ain't beans.

COOK

No, they're spaghetti-Os. I thought you might like a change.

TRAIL BOSS

We're cowhands. We eat beans.

COOK (HOLDING NOSE AND FLAPPING HAND IN FRONT OF IT)

Tell me about it! Ooh, in camp last night you could have cut the atmosphere with a spoon.

HANK (EXCITED)

Oo, Oo, could we have that there spaghetti with them shapes like you get in words?

COOK (CLAPPING HANDS TOGETHER)

Alphabetti spaghetti? That would be fun!

TRAIL BOSS

Hank, you can't write your own goddam name; you makes your mark. You don't need the whole goddam alphabet, youse could make do with a plate of Xs. And we ain't having any type of goddam spaghetti.

PETE

Hows about Macaroni? With maybe a cheese sauce...

COOK

Oh yum!

TRAIL BOSS

We aint having no goddam macaroni! And we ain't having no vermicelli, rigatoni, penne, linguine, fettucini, pappardelle, farfalle, conchiglie, or goddam godnabbit tortellini.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE

HANK

Ravioli's good.

PETE

Yeah, but needs parmesan. And a twist of black pepper...

TRAIL BOSS

We're having beans, pork 'n' beans.

SETH (LOOKING AT SOMETHING ON HIS FORK)

Er, Boss, this ain't pork. Don't rightly know what animal it is.

COOK

It's tofu, silly. Ever so nutritious, just the thing for you big strong boys.

HANK

'S real good.

COOK

And no little piggies had to go to any nasty slaughterhouse.

HANK

'S right?

PETE

You know, I'm quite partial to them nut cutlets...

COOK

I'll do them tomorrow – just for you!

THE TRAIL BOSS (HEAD IN HANDS)

Seth, tell them, just tell them.

SETH (SHIFTS AWKWARDLY)

Well, too much meat can increase the risk of colon cancer and heart disease...

THE COOK JUMPS UP AND DOWN AND CLAPS HIS HANDS.

TRAIL BOSS (TO COWHANDS)

Now lookee here. We's driving ten thousand head of these here doggies to the goddam meat packing plant, and youse varmits is turning goddam veggie?

HANK, PETE & SETH (HANGING THEIR HEADS)

Sorry Boss.

TRAIL BOSS

Ah, to hell with it.

HE PUSHES HIS PLATE AWAY, AND TAKES A SWIG OF COFFEE.

That sure is one good cup of coffee.

COOK

Oh, do you like it? It's decaff.

THE TRAIL BOSS SPLURTS OUT HIS COFFEE.

END.

Nice, and an original idea.

Especially like the low key punchline.

Good sketch. Where do you see something like this being used? Or don't you think about that, and just write whats funny?

I feel sorry for the poor bloke playing the trail boss who's got to recite the list of pasta.

Satisfyingly old school. Fair point by Sofa_Matt, though. Where is the outlet for sketches like this these days?

Well there's the new E4 radio competition, it's also always good too have good skits on ice for when comps come up.

Could also work for Roughcuts?

Quote: Sofa_Matt @ June 17 2008, 12:32 PM BST

Where do you see something like this being used? Or don't you think about that, and just write whats funny?

View original

For the time being I am writing mainly as therapy, and to learn the craft, so I am not worried too much about markets.

Obviously I would like to see sketches produced, but as very little of the stuff I am writing at the moment is topical I can afford to sit on it and hopefully wait for the right opening.

Nice. As with most sketches, there's a couple of superfluous lines which could be cut.

There would be various radio sketch shows where this would work. On TV I can see Mitchell & Webb or Armstrong & Miller doing a sketch like this. So there are possibilities but as usual, it's a matter of getting someone to look at it.

The shadow of Blazing Saddles looms over the whole sketch, with that in mind I decided to get the fart gag out of the way as quick as possible and move on, but maybe your right.

You are correct about Hank's wayward culinary tastes. I have made a minor edit, which helps, a little. The character differentation between the cowhands, in my mind at least, is that Hank is childlike, Pete is open-minded and Seth is impassive. Not sure that comes across strongly enough in the dialogue.

The question of length is interesting. On this occasion I deliberately aimed for a slightly longer running length, to give the actors more chance to breathe life into the characters. Not sure if that worked, or if it just feels padded.

To an extent it comes down to Matt's question about markets. If you don't know who you are selling to, it is difficult to know how to tailor the material.

To be honest, when I am writing I always tend to think in terms of television; I need to become more radio and stage conscious as obviously those are the easier markets.

I make it under 3 minutes. Long by today's standards, but I still harbour a nostalgia for the day's when Fry & Laurie could get away with sketches of Brideshead Revisited length. Mitchell & Webb frequently go over the 2 minute mark, so perhaps fashions are changing...

I was thinking in terms of demand versus supply, but I take your point. I have spent so much of my life parked in front of the telly I have some sort feel for what is going to work, whereas radio and stage are media I do not really understand.

Incidentally i just timed The Two Ronnies opticians sketch as coming at just under seven minutes. I fear we shall never see the like again!

Done some switching round of dialogue to bring out the personalities of the different cowhands more. I think I do need all three. Hank and Pete need one another to bounce off and it is Seth's defection that delivers the coup de grace.

On balance I am inclined to leave the fart gag in, just so that it is not the elephant in the room. Not sure decaff works as a punchline, for the reason Griff says, but I think anything too outrageous would undermine the logic of the Boss thinking he is drinking an ordinary cup of coffee.

I still cling to my belief that TV sketches can work at more than two minutes, but this may not be the best example of one that does. The only way I can see of significantly shortening it is to lose either the whole of the pasta section or the whole of the vegetarian section. I am no sure which I think should go.

2 minutes may work, but it's good to practice 30-60 seconds as thats most you're likely to be asked to write on the way up.