British Comedy Guide

Euro 2008 Page 6

By the way, that free bet was only for account-holders, like me. I hadn't put any phone bets on for well over a year, but they still send me special offers through the mail.

Italy lost...

For f**k sakes!

But they were unlucky.

Dan
(Proud owner of the word 'Germany' in his sweepstake)

Everyone's played now. I think you can begin to get a coherent look at the top teams. In a list from best to worst you're probably looking at:

Spain (Clearly the best performance so far, sublime midfield and ridiculously potent attack.)

Germany (Mechanical, methodical but still quality. They have to step up a couple of gears but that's entirely plausible)

Netherlands (Good performance, swift counter-attacking football. They have potential match winners in Van Persie and Robben as well.)

Portugal (Good performance, if Ronaldo turns it on then they have every chance of winning)

Croatia (Relatively poor performance. Modric looks good though)

Sweden (Not very good, inconsistent and they rely too much on Zlatan)

Italy (3-0 was an exaggeration, unlucky in many ways. Very talented midfield and they have every chance of progressing.)

France (Woeful. They looked like England. Team of talented individuals without coherency. If Raymond Domenech can sort it out, doubtful, then they could do well.)

After that you're looking at teams with very little chance of progressing. Romania may shock some people as could Russia once Arshavin comes back.

Last night TalkSport did a feature where they twisted time and events so that England qualified for EURO2008. Darren Bent came on with 5 minutes left against Croatia to score to see England draw with Croatia 3-3 so that they progressed ahead of Russia.

They decided to create a mock commentary against Spain, who would’ve been England’s opponents had they played in Russia’s place. The result was 1-1 with Owen scoring from the penalty spot and David Villa netting a goal in the second half.

While watching the Greece v Sweden game the commentator mentioned that the Irish could be looking at the Swedes thinking ‘it could’ve been us’ playing against the championship holders. Had Scotland won their final game to Italy they would’ve played against the Dutch the previous evening.

With all this in mind I decided to replace Russia, Sweden and Italy with the three home nations that came closest to qualifying to see how the tournament could’ve panned out.

The results below are based on actual events and predictions on future matches. Let me know what you think…

GROUP A - Results

Switzerland 0-1 Czech Republic
Portugal 2-0 Turkey
Czech Republic 1-2 Portugal
Switzerland 1-1 Turkey
Switzerland 1-2 Portugal
Turkey 0-1 Czech Republic

GROUP A - Final Table

Portugal 9
Czech Republic 6
Switzerland 1
Turkey 1

GROUP B - Results

Austria 0-1 Croatia
Germany 2-0 Poland
Croatia 1-2 Germany
Austria 0-0 Poland
Austria 0-2 Germany
Poland 1-1 Croatia

GROUP B - Final Table

Germany 9
Croatia 4
Poland 2
Austria 1

GROUP C - Results

Romania 0-0 France
Netherlands 2-0 Scotland
Scotland 1-0 Romania
Netherlands 1-1 France
Scotland 0-1 France
Netherlands 1-0 Romania

GROUP C - Final Table

Netherlands 7
France 5
Scotland 3
Romania 1

GROUP D - Results

Spain 1-1 England
Greece 0-0 Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland 0-3 Spain
Greece 0-1 England
Greece 0-2 Spain
England 2-1 Northern Ireland

GROUP D - Final Table

Spain 7
England 7
Greece 1
Northern Ireland 1

QUARTER-FINALS

Portugal 2-0 Croatia
Germany 2-1 Czech Republic
Netherlands 1-1 England (Netherlands win 4-3 on penalties)
Spain 1-0 France

SEMI-FINALS

Portugal 2-1 Germany
Netherlands 1-1 Spain (Spain win 4-3 on penalties)

FINAL

Portugal 2-2 Spain (Spain win 5-4 on penalties)

Almost a brilliant goal there. Scrappy instead. Brilliant tackle from Cech, not sure how many defenders could tackle Ronaldo like that in the box.

This has to be set up. I mean, the knitting brides of Frankenstein got higher than us!

Quote: Tuumble @ June 11 2008, 5:02 PM BST

Last night TalkSport did a feature where they twisted time and events so that England qualified for EURO2008. Darren Bent came on with 5 minutes left against Croatia to score to see England draw with Croatia 3-3 so that they progressed ahead of Russia.

They decided to create a mock commentary against Spain, who would’ve been England’s opponents had they played in Russia’s place. The result was 1-1 with Owen scoring from the penalty spot and David Villa netting a goal in the second half.

While watching the Greece v Sweden game the commentator mentioned that the Irish could be looking at the Swedes thinking ‘it could’ve been us’ playing against the championship holders. Had Scotland won their final game to Italy they would’ve played against the Dutch the previous evening.

With all this in mind I decided to replace Russia, Sweden and Italy with the three home nations that came closest to qualifying to see how the tournament could’ve panned out.

The results below are based on actual events and predictions on future matches. Let me know what you think…

GROUP A - Results

Switzerland 0-1 Czech Republic
Portugal 2-0 Turkey
Czech Republic 1-2 Portugal
Switzerland 1-1 Turkey
Switzerland 1-2 Portugal
Turkey 0-1 Czech Republic

GROUP A - Final Table

Portugal 9
Czech Republic 6
Switzerland 1
Turkey 1

GROUP B - Results

Austria 0-1 Croatia
Germany 2-0 Poland
Croatia 1-2 Germany
Austria 0-0 Poland
Austria 0-2 Germany
Poland 1-1 Croatia

GROUP B - Final Table

Germany 9
Croatia 4
Poland 2
Austria 1

GROUP C - Results

Romania 0-0 France
Netherlands 2-0 Scotland
Scotland 1-0 Romania
Netherlands 1-1 France
Scotland 0-1 France
Netherlands 1-0 Romania

GROUP C - Final Table

Netherlands 7
France 5
Scotland 3
Romania 1

GROUP D - Results

Spain 1-1 England
Greece 0-0 Northern Ireland
Northern Ireland 0-3 Spain
Greece 0-1 England
Greece 0-2 Spain
England 2-1 Northern Ireland

GROUP D - Final Table

Spain 7
England 7
Greece 1
Northern Ireland 1

QUARTER-FINALS

Portugal 2-0 Croatia
Germany 2-1 Czech Republic
Netherlands 1-1 England (Netherlands win 4-3 on penalties)
Spain 1-0 France

SEMI-FINALS

Portugal 2-1 Germany
Netherlands 1-1 Spain (Spain win 4-3 on penalties)

FINAL

Portugal 2-2 Spain (Spain win 5-4 on penalties)

Optimistic. England/Spain draw. I don't think so. Dutch needing penalties to beat England. Again optimistic. I'd even say that Greece on current English form would have a good chance of a draw. I'm not anti-English football but up to Euro qualifiers they were woeful I'm afraid.

Quote: roscoff @ June 11 2008, 7:05 PM BST

I'm not anti-English football

Ooh oooh! I am! I am! *waves hand in air*

Quote: Paul W @ June 11 2008, 2:15 PM BST

Italy lost...

For f**k sakes!

Great!

Spains front pair (!) are probably the best in the tournament.

France are soooooooooooo old and boring (coming from me!) and Holland have the flair.

Quote: David Chapman @ June 12 2008, 12:30 AM BST

Spains front pair (!) are probably the best in the tournament.

France are soooooooooooo old and boring (coming from me!) and Holland have the flair.

Unless Benzema and Henry suddenly strike up an amazing partnership I've corrected this.

Portugal have flair as well. Between Ronaldo, Simao, Moutinho, Nani and Quaresma they have some flair. Deco plays gorgeous football when he's on form as well.

I am glad there are no home nations at Euro 2008, none of them would have counted.

Gemany v Croatia to start soon, My prediction, 2 - 0 Germany. But hope I'm wrong. Come on Croatia! ooohh Didi Hamann is on ITV, one word for that fella - LEGEND!

Do you really fancy Germany to win, then? I'm seriously considering putting some money on them. I think I might do a Half-time/Full-time bet.

Quote: Paul Carroll @ June 12 2008, 4:31 PM BST

Gemany v Croatia to start soon, My prediction, 2 - 0 Germany. But hope I'm wrong. Come on Croatia! ooohh Didi Hamann is on ITV, one word for that fella - LEGEND!

Hamann is a dirty player, never gets booked. It's ridiculous.

I really hope Croatia step it up a bit, they could get crushed by Germany's mechanical style though.

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