Tony Blair's first interview since leaving office

PAXO: Thank you for attending today’s interview Mr Blair.

TONY BLAIR:Not at all. I just want to clear up any misunderstanding that may have arisen in the weeks since Cherie’s book came out.

PAXO: Quite. And I’m pleased to help in that quest.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Mr Blair, when you were Prime Minister, did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:What?

PAXO: Did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:I beg your pardon? (BEAT) Can you please clarify the question?

PAXO: Certainly. Margaret Thatcher once famously said, "Everybody needs a Willie". She was of course referring to Willie Whitelaw, a trusted aide and close personal friend whom she relied on for impartial advice. So, did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:Really! What does it matter? David Cameron hasn’t got a Willie.

PAXO: Yes he has. He’s got William Hague.

TONY BLAIR:That’s as maybe, but Hague is a small-time politician now.

PAXO: Small-time? William Hague is short in stature, so yes, I’ll accept that David Cameron has got a small Willie. But he does have a Willie. Where as Willie Whitelaw was tall and overweight. So I’ll accept that Margaret Thatcher had the biggest Willie of all. But the question remains, Mr Blair. Did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:Ahh! I see. No, I didn’t have a Willie. But I’m sure there’s one in the Labour party somewhere. Anyway I did have Alistair . .

PAXO : . . . Did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:What?

PAXO: Gordon Brown had Balls. Did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:Just a minute! Gordon Brown had Balls? What on earth....

PAXO : Ed Balls worked for the Treasury, he’s a trusted aide who was accountable to Gordon Brown when he was Chancellor. So, did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:No. I didn’t have any Balls.

PAXO: So, let me get this perfectly clear. When you were Prime Minister you had no Willie, and no Balls?

TONY BLAIR:I can’t believe this. I mean there was Alistair. Look, whilst it’s true I never had a Willie or Balls . . .

PAXO: . . . Bit girly aren’t you?

TONY BLAIR:That’s it! This is intolerable! I’m unable to answer any more of your questions. I’m leaving.
(STANDS UP TO LEAVE)
I’m off. Where are the toilets? I need to wash the stench from my hands of this huh . . . this so-called interview.

PAXO: Certainly. The ladies are on the way out on the left.
(EARPIECE CRACKLES IN PAXO’S EAR)

VOICE IN PAXO’S EARPIECE:Alright, Jeremy. Stop. Just Stop it. You win. We agree. You don’t have to read the weather out at the end any more. Nor read out the Headlines of the newspapers. Just BEHAVE!

PAXO: (CUPPING HAND OVER EAR) And a pay rise?

VOICE IN EARPIECE: Don’t push it pal!

This is good but would benefit from being shorter. I have gone through suggesting cuts, and moved (and in a couple of cases) tweaked a few lines. Hope you don't mind

P.S. I realise in retrospect that at least some of the stuff I cut was you trying to capture Paxo's voice, but I can't be bothered to go through it and reinstate stuff now.

Quote: Danny K @ June 2 2008, 8:29 PM BST

PAXO: Thank you for attending today’s interview Mr Blair.

TONY BLAIR:Not at all.

PAXO: (CLEARS THROAT) Mr Blair, when you were Prime Minister, did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:What?

PAXO: Did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:I beg your pardon?

PAXO: Margaret Thatcher once famously said, "Everybody needs a Willie". She was of course referring to Willie Whitelaw, a trusted aide and close personal friend whom she relied on for impartial advice. So, did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:Ahh! I see. There was Alistair Campbell. And besides David Cameron hasn’t got a Willie.

PAXO: Yes he has. He’s got William Hague.

TONY BLAIR:Hague is a small-time politician now.

PAXO: He is short in stature, so yes, I’ll accept that David Cameron only has a small Willie. But he does have a Willie. Where as Willie Whitelaw was tall and overweight. So Margaret Thatcher had the biggest Willie of all. But the question remains, Mr Blair. Did you have a Willie?

TONY BLAIR:No, I didn’t have a Willie. Really! What does it matter? I’m sure there was a William in the Labour party somewhere. Anyway I did have Alistair . .

PAXO : . . . Did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:What?

PAXO: Gordon Brown has Balls. Did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:What on earth....

PAXO : Ed Balls, Education Secretary and Gordon's trusted aide. So, did you have any Balls?

TONY BLAIR:No. I didn’t have any Balls.

PAXO: So, let me get this perfectly clear. When you were Prime Minister you had no Willie, and no Balls?

TONY BLAIR:I can’t believe this. I mean there was Alistair. Look, whilst it’s true I never had a Willie or Balls . . .

PAXO: . . . Bit girly aren’t you?

TONY BLAIR:That’s it! I’m leaving.
(STANDS UP TO LEAVE)
Where are the toilets? I need to wash the stench from my hands of this huh . . . this so-called interview.

PAXO: Certainly. The ladies are on the way out on the left.
(EARPIECE CRACKLES IN PAXO’S EAR)

VOICE IN PAXO’S EARPIECE:Alright, Jeremy. Stop. Just Stop it. You win. We agree. You don’t have to read the weather out at the end any more. Nor read out the Headlines of the newspapers. Just BEHAVE!

PAXO: (CUPPING HAND OVER EAR) And a pay rise?

VOICE IN EARPIECE: Don’t push it pal!

View original

Thanks Timbo. Can't beat a fresh eye. Shorter is nearly always better.

It's good, and a nice meander down a rather odd path.

The weather bit is dated, and it's strong enough to not really need it.

And Tony also doesn't need to wash his hands, it's such a good skit it can live with being less diverted.

Personally I'd end with Paxo asking to f**k TOny, and him quietly accepting,

Quote: sootyj @ June 2 2008, 10:56 PM BST

It's good, and a nice meander down a rather odd path.

The weather bit is dated, and it's strong enough to not really need it.

And Tony also doesn't need to wash his hands, it's such a good skit it can live with being less diverted.

Personally I'd end with Paxo asking to f**k TOny, and him quietly accepting,

View original

Thanks Sootyj, you're right about the washing hands bit - I was forcing a gag about Paxo directing Blair to the Ladies toilets to underscore 'You're a bit girly'. Good suggestion about Paxo having the hots for Blair.

Yes, the weather reference is a bit dated, but I believe he still complains about being made to do so - and he still reads through the weather forecast at breakneck speed almost sneering as he does so to show he thinks it's beneath him.