Dunked

This is my first attempt at writing. The basic idea is a sitcom, DUNKED, based in a Swimming pool with the main characters all being lifeguards, albeit very poor ones, who find the job much less glamorous than they had first imagined. Here are the first few scenes for the pilot episode. Constructive critisism, please.

EPISODE ONE: PILOT

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE: POOL

A middle-aged couple enter from the changing rooms. Above them are two bored-looking lifeguards, SIMON and TIM who are both in their early twenties.

MAN
Cor! I’ve seen it all now! Unisex changing rooms! Unisex!

WOMAN
I keep telling you, they weren’t unisex. You just wandered into the women’s changing rooms by accident.

MAN
[Indignantly] Same thing…

TIM
Whoa! Look at the size of that!

SIMON
He’s actually got blubber. That is…that’s extraordinary…

MAN
[Angrily] Excuse me?

SIMON
[Giggling childishly] Nothing.

The man and woman turn to walk away while TIM and SIMON burst out laughing.

TIM
He looks like a bloated Mr Blooby!

The man looks up at the lifeguards and suddenly becomes very angry.

MAN
You think you’re so special, don’t you, up there on your big seats. Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing; I am not amused.

The couple storm offstage in a huff, leaving DARREN and CHRIS in an awkward silence.

SIMON
What’s he gonna do, sue us?

TIM
Well, he could piss in the pool. That’d show us.

SIMON
It’s not our job to clean up the piss, though is it?

TIM
It is now. Mr Wright fired Clive.

SIMON
[Annoyed] Oh, what? I thought lifeguarding would be glamorous like in Baywatch. But it’s not. It’s like Jaws if anything.

TIM
Except there’s no sharks.

SIMON
There are fat people though, aren’t there? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never trust a fat man.

TIM
I’ll make a note of that.

SIMON
I mean, I honestly can’t find a single positive thing to say about this place.

TIM
[Coily] There is one thing.

SIMON
What?

TIM
We get to look at girls in bikinis all day!

SIMON
The words of a sex offender, ladies and getlemen…

CHRIS
I don’t mean like…shut up, Simon.

SIMON
Mind you, at least they have to wear bikinis. I used to work over in France and clothes were not mandatory.

TIM
Sounds wicked.

SIMON
Yeah, but why is it that it’s always the big, hairy German women who are always the first to strip off? I mean, hairy arms, bald head, hairy bottom. Not a nice combination. There is nothing less attractive than a big, hairy German woman. Fact.

TIM
A big, hairy German man?

SIMON
Well, that’s a matter of opinion…

A third lifeguard, northener PAUL, runs up to CHRIS and DARREN and calls up to them.

PAUL
Guys! Mr Wright's calling a meeting for the lifeguards. He says it’s really important.

SIMON
A meeting for all the lifeguards?

PAUL
Yeah, everyone has to come.

SIMON
Right, what if someone starts to drown?

PAUL
Well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? Come on!

SCENE TWO: MEETING ROOM

SIMON, TIM and PAUL enter the Meeting Room and take seats next to four other lifeguards who are being adressed by a MR LEONARD WRIGHT, a portly businessman in his late forties.

WRIGHT
Right, I see you’re all here…

COLIN
Well, actually, Dave hasn’t come yet.

WRIGHT
Would you forget about Dave for just one minute, Colin? He’s not important, I’ll just fire him later. Now. I have called you all here today mto discuss the matter that you are all completely useless.

SIMON
It’s not me who accidentally glued himself to his lifeguard chair and had to be rescued by a fireman...

TIM
Look, I told you, I don’t know how it happened!

SIMON
You’d left a Super-Pritt-Stick in your pocket, Tim. It’s no great mystery.

WRIGHT
Silence! The simple fact is that not one of you has rescued someone in seven months.

SIMON
That’s because there’s no one to rescue. The pool’s like three feet deep.

WRIGHT
Do not argue with me, Simon, I am not in the mood! I am giving each of you one week to rescue a drowning victim. If you fail to achieve that goal, you will be made redundant.

The assorted lifeguards protest mutinously but are interrupted when an elderly cleaner, MRS HOBBS, scuttles in, shrieking.

SIMON
Oh, look. An Oompa-Loompa.

MRS HOBBS
[Breathlessly] Mr Wright! Come quick! Someone’s drowning in there!

The lifeguards take one cautious look at eachother before charging out of the double-doors, leaving WRIGHT alone with MRS HOBBS.

MRS HOBBS
Oh, it was ever so frightening, Mr Wright.

WRIGHT
Yes, yes. Haven’t you got some vomiting to clean up or something?

MRS HOBBS sighs and is about to leave when another lifeguard, a balding man in his late thirties, enters.

DAVE
Oh, sorry I’m late, Mr Wright...

WRIGHT
[Pleasantly] Ah, Dave.

WRIGHT claps DAVE on the back boyishly.

WRIGHT
[Whispering in DAVE’s ear] You’re fired.

WRIGHT exits, leaving DAVE alone in the room, not quite sure what just happened.

SCENE THREE: CORRIDOR

The lifeguards charge down the corridor, brutally pushing past their rivals. SIMON punches one in the face, before kneeing PAUL in the groin. TIM trips SIMON up and then drags a woman in front of him down by the neck. He is, himself, shoved to the floor by COLIN, who takes the lead. SIMON and TIM rise to their feet, moaning, before charging down the corridor again after their rivals.

SCENE FOUR: POOL

COLIN sprints towards the main swimming pool, closely followed by a second lifegaurd, KEITH. SIMON and TIM hobble after them breathlessly. COLIN dives powerfully into the pool and, ignoring the screams of the terrified onlookers, drags the victim back to dry land. It is the overweight man from Scene One and he appears to be unconscious.

COLIN
Yes! In your face! Whoo! GET IN!

SIMON
Shouldn’t you give him CPR?

COLIN
Hell no! I’m gonna go get a drink! I AM THE CHAMPION!

COLIN exits, perhaps unsuitably cheery. After an awkward silence, KEITH begins to adminsiter CPR on the MAN, leaving SIMON and TIM muttering under their breath.

SCENE FIVE: POOL

SIMON and TIM are back on their seats, talking amongst themselves.

TIM
And did you know that if you spin round three times and yell out "Bumbleglum" in a really loud voice, Blair cannot enter your soul.

SIMON
Sorry, where do you get these facts?

TIM
[Defensively] The fat guy told me.

SIMON
The "fat guy" just received quite a large amount of trauma. I don’t think we should take every word that passes his lips particularly seriously.

TIM
I guess sheep aren’t luminous, then?

SIMON
No.

TIM
I’ll be having words with him later…

SIMON
Yeah, and I’ll be having words with you now.

TIM
You already are.

SIMON
No, I mean specific words! You tripped me up back there. If it wasn’t for you, it could have been me who saved him.

TIM
Oh, come on, you would never have rescued him! He’s way too heavy for you.

SIMON
[Defensively] Colin managed it.

TIM
Yeah, but Colin’s a real man. The kind who doesn’t cry after Titanic.

SIMON
I told you before, I wasn’t crying about the movie. A wasp had flown down my throat.

TIM
Whatever.

SIMON
No, not whatever. This is serious, Tim. We need to rescue someone or we’re out of a job.

TIM
These seats don’t help, do they? I mean, sure, I can see everyone in the pool, but it takes like five minutes for me to climb down the ladder. And by then it's too late. And there we go, the man’s dead. All down to poor seat arrangements.

SIMON
Your brain, Tim, has the thinking capacity of a potato. An American potato.

TIM
[Sarcatsically] You’re a good friend…

SIMON
No, there’s no chance of us saving an actual drowning person.

TIM
I know. However you put it, the Kiss of Life is always really, really gay.

SIMON
Exactly. So all we need to do is find someone who’d let us pretend to rescue him.

MRS HOBBS enters with a vacuum cleaner and begins to vacuum around the pool.

SIMON
[Indreculously] Mrs Hobbs, are you cleaning the pool with a hoover?

MRS HOBBS
I’m ever so sorry, deary, but I can’t hear you over the hoover. I’ll turn it off, shall I?

SIMON climbs down the ladder and lands neatly next to MRS HOBBS, who turns off the hoover after a bit of fiddling around.

MRS HOBBS
Now, what was it you wanted, deary?

SIMON answers by shoving MRS HOBBS into the pool. She shrieks in fear before toppling into the water.

SIMON
I’ll save her! I’ll save her!

SIMON leaps into the pool and drags the thrashing MRS HOBBS to surface, coughing and spluttering. WRIGHT enters to find the source of the noise. TIM jumps down from the seat, a puzzled look on his face.

SIMON
I saved her! You all saw it! I’m a hero. I saved her life.

TIM
No, you didn’t. You pushed her.

SIMON
No, I didn’t.

WRIGHT
Yes, you did.

SIMON
[Annoyed] No, I didn’t!

MRS HOBBS
[Coughing] Yes, you did!

SIMON
Grass…

MRS HOBBS
Cock!

Awkward silence.

WRIGHT
Simon, could you come into my office, please?

SIMON follows WRIGHT offstage, muttering under his breath. MRS HOBBS rises to her feet and turns to TIM.

MRS HOBBS
[Challengingly] What are you looking at?

I like the opening gag about the unisex changing rooms, but after that there was a lot of light bantering dialogue that needs sharpening, or indeed pruning. The characters also need to be more sharply delineated, and indeed differentiated. (I think you have changed the names of the two leads which doesn't help.) If it was me and I was writing a show where the main characters spend a lot of the time in wet swimsuits, at least one of them would be female...

Actually, that's a good idea. Maybe I could change one of the main characters into a woman...

EPISODE ONE: PILOT

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE: POOL

A middle-aged couple enter from the changing rooms. Above them are two bored-looking lifeguards, SIMON and TIM who are both in their early twenties.

MAN
Cor! I’ve seen it all now! Unisex changing rooms! Unisex!

WOMAN
I keep telling you, they weren’t unisex. You just wandered into the women’s changing rooms by accident.

MAN
[Indignantly] Same thing…

TIM
Whoa! Look at the size of that!

SIMON
He’s actually got blubber. That is…that’s extraordinary…

MAN
[Angrily] Excuse me?

SIMON
[Giggling childishly] Nothing.

The man and woman turn to walk away while TIM and SIMON burst out laughing.

TIM
He looks like a bloated Mr Blooby!

The man looks up at the lifeguards and suddenly becomes very angry.

MAN
You think you’re so special, don’t you, up there on your big seats. Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing; I am not amused.
This could do with sharpening, the "You think you're so special" sounds awkward coming from someone who I'd imagine is fairly old (based on the above gag)

The couple storm offstage in a huff, leaving DARREN and CHRIS in an awkward silence.

SIMON
What’s he gonna do, sue us?

TIM
Well, he could piss in the pool. That’d show us.

SIMON
It’s not our job to clean up the piss, though is it?

TIM
It is now. Mr Wright fired Clive.

SIMON
[Annoyed] Oh, what? I thought lifeguarding would be glamorous like in Baywatch. But it’s not. If anything it's like jaws.

TIM
Except there’s no sharks.

SIMON
There are fat people though, aren’t there? If there's one thing I've learned, it's never trust a fat man.
This either needs to be expanded or removed. It's a bit tired as a structure, unless you plan to run with it in later episodes

TIM
I’ll make a note of that.

SIMON
I mean, I honestly can’t find a single positive thing to say about this place.

TIM
[Coily] There is one thing.

SIMON
What?

TIM
We get to look at girls in bikinis all day!

SIMON
The words of a sex offender, ladies and getlemen…

CHRIS
I don’t mean like…shut up, Simon.

SIMON
Mind you, at least they have to wear bikinis. When I used to work over in France and clothes were not mandatory.
Because they're supposed to know each other, "when" increasing the familiarity
TIM
Sounds wicked.

SIMON
Yeah, but why is it that it’s always the big, hairy German women who are always the first to strip off? I mean, hairy arms, bald head, hairy bottom. Not a nice combination. There is nothing less attractive than a big, hairy German woman. Fact.
Edited for length, perhaps "arse" instead of "bottom" dependent on how adult you intend this to be...

TIM
A big, hairy German man?

SIMON
Well, that’s a matter of opinion…

A third lifeguard, northener PAUL, runs up to CHRIS and DARREN and calls up to them.

PAUL
Guys! Mr Wright's calling a meeting for the lifeguards. He says it’s really important.

SIMON
A meeting for all the lifeguards?

PAUL
Yeah, everyone has to come.

SIMON
Right, what if someone starts to drown?
The way I imagined this line being delivered meant I loved this gag. That's all I have to say here.
PAUL
Well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? Come on!

SCENE TWO: MEETING ROOM

SIMON, TIM and PAUL enter the Meeting Room and take seats next to four other lifeguards who are being adressed by a MR LEONARD WRIGHT, a portly businessman in his late forties.

WRIGHT
Right, I see you’re all here…

COLIN
Well, actually, Dave hasn’t come yet.
If you introduce a new character like this he should be mentioned at the start of the scene. It makes it easier to read.
WRIGHT
Would you forget about Dave for just one minute, Colin? He’s not important, I’ll just fire him later. Now. I have called you all here today mto discuss the matter that you are all completely useless.

SIMON
It’s not me who That's not fair, only one of us accidentally glued himself to his lifeguard chair and had to be rescued by a fireman...
Perhaps?
TIM
Look, I told you, I don’t know how it happened!

SIMON
You’d left a Super-Pritt-Stick in your pocket, Tim. It’s no great mystery.

WRIGHT
Silence! The simple fact is that not one of you has rescued someone in seven months.
Silence? Odd choice, perhaps a sign of how you will develop this character?

SIMON
That’s because there’s no one to rescue. The pool’s like three feet deep.

WRIGHT
Do not argue with me, Simon, I am not in the mood! I am giving each of you one week to rescue a drowning victim. If you fail to achieve that goal, you will be made redundant.
Such a harsh employer wouldn't use first names, or any names.

The assorted lifeguards protest mutinously but are interrupted when an elderly cleaner, MRS HOBBS, scuttles in, shrieking.

SIMON
Oh, look. An Oompa-Loompa.

MRS HOBBS
[Breathlessly] Mr Wright! Come quick! Someone’s drowning in there!

The lifeguards take one cautious look at eachother before charging out of the double-doors, leaving WRIGHT alone with MRS HOBBS.

MRS HOBBS
Oh, it was ever so frightening, Mr Wright.

WRIGHT
Yes, yes. Haven’t you got some vomiting to clean up or something?

MRS HOBBS sighs and is about to leave when another lifeguard, a balding man in his late thirties, enters.

DAVE
Oh, sorry I’m late, Mr Wright...

WRIGHT
[Pleasantly] Ah, Dave.

WRIGHT claps DAVE on the back boyishly.

WRIGHT
[Whispering in DAVE’s ear] You’re fired.

WRIGHT exits, leaving DAVE alone in the room, not quite sure what just happened.

SCENE THREE: CORRIDOR

The lifeguards charge down the corridor, brutally pushing past their rivals. SIMON punches one in the face, before kneeing PAUL in the groin. TIM trips SIMON up and then drags a woman in front of him down by the neck. He is, himself, shoved to the floor by COLIN, who takes the lead. SIMON and TIM rise to their feet, moaning, before charging down the corridor again after their rivals.

SCENE FOUR: POOL

COLIN sprints towards the main swimming pool, closely followed by a second lifegaurd, KEITH. SIMON and TIM hobble after them breathlessly. COLIN dives powerfully into the pool and, ignoring the screams of the terrified onlookers, drags the victim back to dry land. It is the overweight man from Scene One and he appears to be unconscious.
Again Keith was in an earlier scene and therefore he should be referenced there.

COLIN
Yes! In your face! Whoo! GET IN!

SIMON
Shouldn’t you give him CPR?

COLIN
Hell no! I’m gonna go get a drink! I AM THE CHAMPION!

COLIN exits, perhaps unsuitably cheery. After an awkward silence, KEITH begins to adminsiter CPR on the MAN, leaving SIMON and TIM muttering under their breath.

SCENE FIVE: POOL

SIMON and TIM are back on their seats, talking amongst themselves.

TIM
And did you know that if you spin round three times and yell out "Bumbleglum" in a really loud voice, Blair cannot enter your soul.

SIMON
Sorry, where do you get these facts?

TIM
[Defensively] The fat guy told me.

SIMON
The "fat guy" just received quite a large amount of trauma. I don’t think we should take every word that passes his lips particularly seriously.
This needs to be tightened, the sentence structure is a little abrasive

TIM
I guess sheep aren’t luminous, then?

SIMON
No.

TIM
I’ll be having words with him later…

SIMON
Yeah, and I’ll be having words with you now.

TIM
You already are.

SIMON
No, I mean specific words! You tripped me up back there. If it wasn’t for you, it could have been me who saved him.

TIM
Oh, come on, you would never have rescued him! He’s way too heavy for you.

SIMON
[Defensively] Colin managed it.

TIM
Yeah, but Colin’s a real man. The kind who doesn’t cry after Titanic.

SIMON
I told you before, I wasn’t crying about the movie. A wasp had flown down my throat.

TIM
Whatever.

SIMON
No, not whatever. This is serious, Tim. We need to rescue someone or we’re out of a job.

TIM
These seats don’t help, do they? I mean, sure, I can see everyone in the pool, but it takes like five minutes for me to climb down the ladder. And by then it's too late. And there we go, the man’s dead. All down thanks to poor seating arrangements.

SIMON
Your brain, Tim, has the thinking capacity of a potato. An American potato.

TIM
[Sarcatsically] You’re a good friend…
This next section needs a better link. Somehow it feels like it shifts too quickly from one topic to another. Tighten the dialogue perhaps?

SIMON
No, there’s no chance of us saving an actual drowning person.

TIM
I know. However you put it, the Kiss of Life is always really, really gay.
Unless it's with a woman?

SIMON
Exactly. So all we need to do is find someone who’d let us pretend to rescue him.

MRS HOBBS enters with a vacuum cleaner and begins to vacuum around the pool.

SIMON
[Indreculously] Mrs Hobbs, are you cleaning the pool with a hoover?

MRS HOBBS
I’m ever so sorry, deary, but I can’t hear you over the hoover. I’ll turn it off, shall I?

SIMON climbs down the ladder and lands neatly next to MRS HOBBS, who turns off the hoover after a bit of fiddling around.

MRS HOBBS
Now, what was it you wanted, deary?

SIMON answers by shoving MRS HOBBS into the pool. She shrieks in fear before toppling into the water.
Simon, up until now, has been the cleverer of the two characters. So it feels like a sharp turn to have him act so recklessly.
SIMON
I’ll save her! I’ll save her!

SIMON leaps into the pool and drags the thrashing MRS HOBBS to surface, coughing and spluttering. WRIGHT enters to find the source of the noise. TIM jumps down from the seat, a puzzled look on his face.

SIMON
I saved her! You all saw it! I’m a hero. I saved her life.

TIM
No, you didn’t. You pushed her.

SIMON
No, I didn’t.

WRIGHT
Yes, you did.

SIMON
[Annoyed] No, I didn’t!

MRS HOBBS
[Coughing] Yes, you did!

SIMON
Grass…

MRS HOBBS
Cock!

Awkward silence.

WRIGHT
Simon, could you come into my office, please?

SIMON follows WRIGHT offstage, muttering under his breath. MRS HOBBS rises to her feet and turns to TIM.

MRS HOBBS
[Challengingly] What are you looking at?

I have a long time to wait until the football so I've gone through and seen what I could change...

Obviously I may be wrong, I may not know what you're going for and everything I wrote is merely a suggestion.

Overall I really liked it, initially you'd had strong characterisation and a sharp barrage of gags. The majority of criticisms I found were related to individual sentences rather than the quality of the overall piece.

PhQnix is right, it needs a fair bit of tightening but the basic idea seems pretty good as long as it doesn't stray too far into Brittas territory.

And sort those names out!

Well, I've edited it somewhat and added a few more scenes.

EPISODE ONE: PILOT

FADE IN:

SCENE ONE: POOL

A middle-aged couple enter from the changing rooms. Above them are two bored-looking lifeguards, CHRIS and GARETH who are both in their early twenties.

MAN
Cor! I’ve seen it all now! Unisex changing rooms! Unisex!

WOMAN
I keep telling you, they weren’t unisex. You just wandered into the women’s changing rooms by accident.

MAN
[Indignantly] Same thing…

CHRIS
Whoa! Look at the size of that!

GARETH
He’s actually got blubber. That is…that’s extraordinary…

MAN
[Angrily] Excuse me?

GARETH
[Giggling childishly] Nothing.

The man and woman turn to walk away while CHRIS and DARREN burst out laughing.

CHRIS
He looks like a bloated Mr Blooby!

The man looks up at the lifeguards and suddenly becomes very angry.

MAN
Oh, yes, very funny. Real comedians. Well, I’ll tell you this for nothing; I am not amused.

The couple storm offstage in a huff, leaving DARREN and CHRIS in an awkward silence.

GARETH
What’s he gonna do, sue us?

CHRIS
Well, he could piss in the pool.

GARETH
It’s not our job to clean up the piss, though is it?

CHRIS
It is now. Mr Wright fired Clive.

GARETH
Oh, what? I thought lifeguarding would be glamorous like in Baywatch. But it’s not. It’s like Jaws if anything.

CHRIS
Except there’s no sharks.

GARETH
There are fat people though, aren’t there? Never trust a fat man.

CHRIS
I’ll make a note of that.

GARETH
I mean, I honestly can’t find a single positive thing to say about this place.

CHRIS
[Coyly] There is one thing.

GARETH
What?

CHRIS
We get to look at girls in bikinis all day!

GARETH
The words of a sex offender, ladies and gentlemen…

CHRIS
I don’t mean like…shut up, Gareth.

GARETH
Mind you, at least they have to wear bikinis. When I used to work over in France, clothes were not mandatory.

CHRIS
Sounds wicked.

GARETH
Yeah, but why is it that it’s the big, hairy German women are always the first to strip off? I mean, hairy arms, bald head, hairy arse. Not a nice combination. There is nothing less attractive than a big, hairy German woman. Fact.

CHRIS
A big, hairy German man?

GARETH
Well, that’s a matter of opinion…

A third lifeguard, physically fit COLIN runs up to CHRIS and DARREN and calls up to them. He is GARETH’s opposite in every way; fit, popular and good-looking.

COLIN
Guys! Wright’s calling a meeting for the lifeguards. He says it’s really important.

GARETH
A meeting for all the lifeguards?

COLIN
Yeah, everyone has to come.

GARETH
Right, what if someone starts to drown?

COLIN
Well, that’s their problem, isn’t it? Come on!

SCENE TWO: MEETING ROOM

GARETH, CHRIS and COLIN enter the Meeting Room and take seats next to four other lifeguards who are being adressed by a MR MICHAEL WRIGHT, a portly businessman in his late forties. Amongst the lifeguards are COLIN, an extremely fit twenty-something, middle-aged PAULINE, the only woman, and SIDNEY, an extremely old man in a vest who appears to be asleep.

WRIGHT
Right, I see you’re all here…

COLIN
Well, actually, Dave hasn’t come yet.

WRIGHT
Would you forget about Dave for just one minute, Colin? He’s not important, I’ll just fire him later. Now, I have called you all here today to discuss the matter that you are all completely useless.

GARETH
It’s not me who accidentally glued himself to his lifeguard chair and had to be rescued by a fireman, is it?

CHRIS
Look, I told you, I don’t know how it happened!

GARETH
You’d left a Super-Pritt-Stick in your pocket, Chris. It’s no great mystery.

WRIGHT
Shut up! The simple fact is that not one of you has rescued someone in seven months.

GARETH
That’s because there’s no one to rescue. The pool’s like three feet deep.

WRIGHT
Do not argue with me, Gareth! I am not in the mood! I am giving each of you one week to rescue a drowning victim. If you fail to achieve that goal, you will be made redundant.

An elderly cleaner, MRS HOBBS, scuttles in, shrieking.

GARETH
Oh, look. An Oompa-Loompa.

MRS HOBBS
[Breathlessly] Mr Wright! Come quick! Someone’s drowning in there!

The lifeguards take one cautious look at eachother before charging out of the double-doors, leaving WRIGHT alone with MRS HOBBS. SIDNEY, however, stays where he is, still fast asleep.

MRS HOBBS
Oh, it was ever so frightening, Mr Wright.

WRIGHT
Yes, yes. Haven’t you got some vomiting to clean up or something?
MRS HOBBS sighs and is about to leave when another lifeguard, a balding man in his late thirties, enters.

DAVE
Oh, sorry I’m late, Mr Wright.

WRIGHT
[Pleasantly] Ah, Dave.

WRIGHT claps DAVE on the back boyishly.

WRIGHT
[Whispering in DAVE’s ear] You’re fired.

SCENE THREE: CORRIDOR

The lifeguards charge down the corridor, brutally pushing past their rivals. GARETH punches one in the face, before kneeing another in the groin. CHRIS trips GARETH up and then drags PAULINE in front of him down by the neck. He is, himself, shoved to the floor by COLIN, who takes the lead. GARETH and CHRIS rise to their feet, moaning, before charging down the corridor again after their rivals.

SCENE FOUR: POOL
COLIN sprints towards the main swimming pool, closely followed by PAULINE. GARETH and CHRIS hobble after them breathlessly. COLIN dives powerfully into the pool and, ignoring the screams of the terrified onlookers, drags the victim back to dry land. It is the man from before and he appears to be unconscious.

COLIN
Yes! In your face! Whoo! GET IN!

GARETH
Shouldn’t you give him CPR?

COLIN
Hell no! I’m gonna go get a drink! I’ve got my job!

COLIN exits, perhaps unsuitably cheery. After an awkward silence, PAULINE begins to adminsiter CPR on the MAN, leaving GARETH and CHRIS muttering under their breath.

SCENE FIVE: POOL

GARETH and CHRIS are back on their seats, talking amongst themselves.

CHRIS
And did you know that if you spin round three times and yell out "Bumblefluff" in a really loud voice, Blair cannot enter your soul.

GARETH
Sorry, where do you get this information?

CHRIS
[Defensively]The fat guy told me.

GARETH
The "fat guy" just received quite a large amount of trauma. I don’t think we should count every word that passes his lips as gospel truth.

CHRIS
I guess sheep aren’t luminous, then?

GARETH
No.

CHRIS
I’ll be having words with him later…

GARETH
Yeah, and I’ll be having words with you now.

CHRIS
You already are.

GARETH
No, I mean specific words! You tripped me up back there. If it wasn’t for you, I could have saved him.

CHRIS
Oh, come on, you would never have rescued him! He’s way too heavy.

GARETH
Colin managed it.

CHRIS
Yeah, but Colin’s a real man. The kind who doesn’t cry after Titanic.

GARETH
I wasn’t crying about the movie. A wasp had flown down my throat.

CHRIS
Whatever.

GARETH
No, not whatever. This is serious, Chris. We need to rescue someone or we’re out of a job.

CHRIS
These seats don’t help either, do they? I mean, sure, I can see everyone in the pool, but it takes like five minutes for me to climb down the ladder. And there we go, the man’s dead. All down to poor seat arrangements.

GARETH
Whatever, Chris. Let’s face facts, there’s no chance of us saving an actual drowning person.

CHRIS
I know, however you put it, the Kiss of Life is really, really gay.

GARETH
Exactly. So all we need to do is find someone who’d let us pretend to rescue him.

MRS HOBBS enters with a vacuum cleaner and begins to vacuum up the pool water.

GARETH
Mrs Hobbs, are you emptying the pool with a hoover?

MRS HOBBS
I’m ever so sorry, deary, but I can’t hear you over the hoover. I’ll turn it off, shall I?

CHRIS has a sudden burst of information and after a second’s thought, climbs down the ladder and lands neatly next to MRS HOBBS, who turns off the hoover after a bit of fiddling around.

MRS HOBBS
Now, what was it you wanted, deary?

CHRIS answers by shoving MRS HOBBS into the pool. She shrieks in fear before toppling into the water.

CHRIS
I’ll save her! I’ll save her!

CHRIS leaps into the pool and drags the thrashing MRS HOBBS to surface, coughing and spluttering. MR WRIGHT enters to find the source of the noise. GARETH jumps down from the seat, a puzzled look on his face.

CHRIS
I saved her! You all saw it! I’m a hero. I saved her life.

GARETH
No, you didn’t. You pushed her.

CHRIS
No, I didn’t.

WRIGHT
Yes, you did.

CHRIS
[Annoyed] No, I didn’t!

MRS HOBBS
[Coughing] Yes, you did!

CHRIS
Grass…

MRS HOBBS
Cock!

Awkward silence.

WRIGHT
Christopher, could you come into my office, please?

CHRIS follows WRIGHT offstage, muttering under his breath. MRS HOBBS rises to her feet and turns to a bemused GARETH.

MRS HOBBS
What are you looking at?

SCENE SIX: WRIGHT’S OFFICE

CHRIS takes a seat at a desk opposite WRIGHT who is already sitting. It is a cosy little office with family photos adorning the walls and papers scattered untidily on the desk itself.

WRIGHT
Now, Chris, I realise that this is a stressful time for all, but I assure you, attempting to murder members of staff is not the way forward.

CHRIS
I know…

WRIGHT
You’re a good lad, Chris, but it turns out that murder is actually a little bit illegal, so…

CHRIS
Yes, sir…I realize that…

WRIGHT
Now, I realize that Mrs. Hobbs is a bit annoying and I’d be lying if I said I never tried to kill her myself but…we must try to contain our urges, mustn’t we?

CHRIS
Yes, sir.

WRIGHT
You are excused. Go back to whatever the hell you do.

CHRIS
Yes, sir…

SCENE SEVEN: POOL

CHRIS enters grumpily and takes a seat next to GARETH.

GARETH
As subtle as ever, Chris.

CHRIS
Piss off, Gareth, I’m not in the mood.

GARETH
Always a pleasure talking to you, isn’t it?

CHRIS
What are you doing?

GARETH
Nothing much. I’m on my break.

CHRIS
We don’t get breaks.

GARETH
We do now.

GARETH takes a bit out of a sandwich. A piece of tomato drops down on a patron’s head from below.

GARETH
Sorry!

CHRIS
Umm, Gareth.

GARETH
What?

CHRIS
It looks like she’s in trouble!

GARETH
Well, I said sorry…

CHRIS
Not her! The girl thrashing around in the water, screaming.

GARETH
Oh, her. I didn’t think she was in trouble. I just thought she was just having an epilectic fit.

CHRIS
If you thought she was having an epilectic fit, why didn’t you rescue her?

GARETH
I told you. I’m on my break.

CHRIS
Come on, Gareth. Don’t you want to save someone?

GARETH
Yeah, I guess you’re right.

GARETH rips off his shirt and is about to dive in. CHRIS hesitates.

CHRIS
You know, it’s a nice shirt. Be a shame to get it wet…

GARETH
Then take it off!

CHRIS
I can’t take my shirt off. There’s people watching.

GARETH
Oh, for God’s sake…come on, Chris.

CHRIS
Yes, yes, yes…actually, it is rather a long way down, isn’t it?

GARETH
Oh, for f-

CHRIS
Meh, doesn’t matter. Colin’s resuced her.

GARETH
Colin? He’s already rescued someone this week! The selfish bastard…

CHRIS
You had to admit, he is pretty cool.

GARETH
I don’t have to admit anything.

CHRIS
Oh, come on, he’s wicked!

GARETH
He is not wicked, Chris. It is impossible to wicked if your name’s Colin. It’s just physically impossible!

CHRIS
Colin manages it…

GARETH
Would you shut up about Colin?

CHRIS
I’m just making conversation.

GARETH
Yeah, well don’t…I need you to be quiet.

CHRIS
Why?

GARETH
Because, Chris, if I don’t formulate a genius plan where we can, by some miracle, rescue someone in the next four days, we will be out of a job!

CHRIS
Oh, right, yeah, that is a good reason.

SIDNEY enters, very much awake.

CHRIS
Alright, Sidney?

SIDNEY
Ah, Christopher, I believe it’s your shift at the water slide.

CHRIS
Oh, brilliant! Kids drown all the time! I’m bound to save someone!

GARETH
I take it you haven’t been nominated for lifeguard of the year…

SIDNEY
Have you fellows not rescued anyone yet, then?

CHRIS
Nope.

GARETH
Wait, you’ve rescued someone? How? You’re like…113.

SIDNEY
Well, I very tenderly explained to a patron at this fine establishment that if she assured Mr Wright that I had rescued her from the deeps, I would show her my buttocks.

GARETH
And did you?

SIDNEY
Oh, yes.

GARETH stares at SIDNEY, unsure what to think. CHRIS exits. SIDNEY decides to make conversation.

SIDNEY
Did you hear that if you spin round three times and say "Bumblefluff", Blair cannot enter your soul?

GARETH
Yes, I’ve heard that around.

SIDNEY
I’m not entirely sure if it’s true though.

GARETH
(Sarcastically) No! What makes you say that?

SIDNEY
Well, a lot of things really…

GARETH
Yes, the first one that comes to mind is the fact that it's not actually true.

SIDNEY
Well, it could be.

GARETH
No it couldn't.

SIDNEY
You don't know until you actually try though, do you?

GARETH
OK, Sidney, I want you to watch very carefully as I do this and note that nothing happens!

GARETH begins to turn cautiously, holding onto the tall chair as he does so.

GARETH
Bumble-AAAH!

GARETH slips and falls from the seat. He crashes into the pool. From the other side of the pool, COLIN leaps to attention and dives into the pool. A moment later, he is back, dragging a spluttering GARETH to the surface.

COLIN
Gareth? Gareth? Are you OK, mate?

GARETH opens his eyes and glares at COLIN.

GARETH
Oh, what the hell? FUCK OFF, COLIN!

COLIN takes a step back, surprised by GARETH’s outburst. All eyes are on him, including MR WRIGHT’s who looks extremely nervous.

WRIGHT
[Nervously] What happened?

SIDNEY
Well, he started to fall over and then he fell over and then this young fellow dived in and bally well saved his skin!

WRIGHT
Have you been on the pills again?

SIDNEY
Well, I had a parasetemol this morning.

WRIGHT
[Ignoring Sidney] Gareth…my office, please?

GARETH rises to his feet and hobbles offstage after WRIGHT, supported by CHRIS and COLIN.

SCENE EIGHT: WRIGHT’S OFFICE

GARETH, supported by CHRIS and COLIN, enter. GARETH takes a seat opposite WRIGHT while the other two stand.

WRIGHT
Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty, shall we Gareth?

GARETH
[Flippantly] Of course sir, it’s my favourite kind of gritty.

WRIGHT
Well…the lifeguard chairs have all been fashioned from cheap, inferior plastic. I always knew that purchase would come back to haunt me and, as usual, I was right. On behalf of the entire corporation, I apologise.

GARETH
What? No, it was my-

WRIGHT
Now, a lawsuit would tear this company apart. So, I ask you as a friend, please do not sue!

GARETH
I wasn’t going to-

WRIGHT
I can see you’re going to play hard to get. Gareth, if you promise not to sue the company…I will guarantee yourself and your chubby little friend a future here.

GARETH
And a substancial pay rise?

WRIGHT
[Tiny pause] Consider it done.

WRIGHT reaches out a hand for GARETH to shake, who does so delightedly.

WRIGHT
Now, if you’ll excuse me. It seems that Mrs Hobbs has got lost in the storage cupboard again…

WRIGHT exits.

GARETH
Well…that was unexpected…

CHRIS
You’re still going to sue, aren’t you?

GARETH
What do you think?

THE END

So...what do you think?