British Comedy Guide

Callback

Well, I've got a basic idea for a sitcom set in a Telemarketing Office and I thought I'd send in the first scene to see what people think.

Startford and Son is a large company in the double-glazing business, headed by the completely clueless MICHAEL STARTFORD, a gruff Welshman in his forties.

His second-in-command is KYLE SAVIN, a clever and extremely "cool" member of staff who most of the other employees idolise.

DARREN CAMERON is Head of Telemarketing Sales and is, while a skilled salesman, extremely pompous and relatively inintelligent.

RYAN PARKER is a simple Telemarketing salesman whose main contribution to the company is falling asleep on the job and scrolling through eBay every couple of hours.

CHRIS HOLLAND, an extremely ignorant Market Researcher is his best friend.

Our hero is ZACHARY SHELDON, the "new boy" of the office is extremely intelligent and doesn't quite understand how he had been landed in such a dead-end job as a junior telemarketer under an idiot like Darren.

Well, here's the first scene. Tell me what you think. :D

CALLBACK
EPISODE ONE: PILOT

FADE IN:
SCENE ONE: TELEMARKETING OFFICE 1

Two figures are seated in a spacious, but extremely ugly office. DARREN CAMERON, a telemarketer in his mid-thirties, is on the phone to a potential customer. His workmate, ZACHARY SHELDON, is listening intently, DARREN’s phone conversation being on speaker-phone. Both men are wearing suits, Darren’s noticably far more expensive than Zachary’s.

DARREN
Good evening, Mrs Catrwright, it’s Darren Cameron here, calling on behalf of Stratford and Son Limited. I was wondering whether you’d be interested in our latest offer…

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Whatever it is, I’m not interested.

DARREN
You don’t know that. For all you know, I could be selling a cure for cancer.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Are you selling a cure for cancer?

DARREN
Well, I could be. That’s all I’m saying.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Yes, but are you?

DARREN
[Ashamed) No...

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Exactly.

DARREN
But, we do have the next best thing. Double-glazing.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
I don’t need any double-glazing.

DARREN
What, do you live in a shed or something?

MRS CARTWRIGHT hangs up. DARREN waits a few second and re-dials with a shrug.

DARREN
Are you sure?

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Stop phoning me or I’m calling the police.

Pause.

DARREN
Thank-you for your time…

DARREN hangs up and rises to his feet.

DARREN
Right, that’s lunch.

SCENE TWO: MEETING ROOM

MICHAEL STRATFORD, a portly businessman in his late forties is holding a meeting with the staff, flanked by his right hand-man KYLE SAVIN and Head of Telemarketing Sales, DARREN. About thirty people are seated, including ZACHARY SHELDON, RYAN PARKER and CHRIS HOLLAND.

STARTFORD
Now, it has come to my attention that we are not making enough sales. If you look at the graph to my left, you will see that little red line is going down. And we want it to go up.

DARREN
Well, it’s right and then up really isn’t it?

STRATFORD
Yes, exactly. We want this little red line to be going right and then up, OK? Now, I would like to hear suggestions from you, the staff, for changes to this establishment so that we can maximise income.

ZACHARY
We could sell a product that people actually want.

STRATFORD
Double-glazing has been a noble tradition in my family for many generations, Zachary. I hardly doubt that the product is the problem.

SAVIN
Yeah. The problem lies soley on your shoulders. You people are not making enough sales.

ZACHARY
Because no one wants double-glazing. It has all the practical use of a transparent carrot...

STRATFORD
Enough! Myself and Mr Savin have come up with the solution, haven’t we, Kyle?

SAVIN
Indeed we have. Two words. Night shifts.

ZACHARY
Night shifts? What?

STRATFORD
As you know, all workers clock off at nine o clock at the latest. We have a new policy where a random selection will be working during the night instead of the day. Those individuals will clock off at exactly three o clock a.m.

ZACHARY
I’m sorry, how will that boost sales?

SAVIN
Because we’ll be able to target the consumers who are up at three o clock.

ZACHARY
Look, if we phone people at three o clock in the morning, they’ll send pepper spray down the phone line.

STRATFORD
Leave the planning to we at Head Office, Zachary. We are the brains, you are the mouth.

SAVIN
[Grinning] Or the cock.

DARREN
Who’s going to be doing the night shifts?

SAVIN
I think Mr Sheldon here can be one of the first to test our little experiment.

ZACHARY
Aww, what?

SAVIN
Don’t let the bed-bugs bite.

SCENE THREE: TELEMARKETING OFFICE 1

It is past mid-night. ZACHARY can hardly keep his eyes open while DARREN is yawning loudly. RYAN enters carrying a pillow.

ZACHARY
Right, I give up. Why the pillow?

RYAN
I don't wanna fall asleep.

ZACHARY
Right, slight flaw. If you've got a pillow, the chances of falling asleep are significantly greatened.

DARREN
Stratford said. He installed CCTV everywehere and if he catches anyone asleep on the job, he's gonna suspend us.

RYAN
Yeah, but if I fall asleep, I'll be comfy when I'm...asleep.

ZACHARY
Except you can't actually feel anything when you're asleep. You're...kind of unconscious, aren't you?

RYAN
Oh, yeah...

RYAN
So...what do I do if I wanr to go to sleep?

DARREN
Sleep in the toilets?

ZACHARY
Because of the picturesque surroundings, of course...

DARREN
No. Stratford told me. He said he wasn't allowed to put any cameras in the toilets because he'd be labelled as a perv.

ZACHARY
He's got millions of labels already. It wouldn't fit...

DARREN
OK...who can we call? Who's up at midnight?

ZACHARY
Vampires?

RYAN
Politicians!

ZACHARY
Difference?

DARREN
Oooh, I know! The police! They're always up.

ZACHARY
Right, I think phoning the Police Service to see whether they want to buy some double-glazing could be seen as a waste of Police time.

DARREN
Yeah, I suppose...

RYAN
What about Australian dudes? They'll be up.

ZACHARY
That could be pesieved as being a bit of a long-distance call.

DARREN
Look, I'm just going to dial a random number...

DARREN dials a number into the handset.

DARREN
Hi, Mr Sessions? I was...

SESSIONS
WHO THE F***K ARE YOU?

DARREN
Umm...I'm Darren, I'm calling on...

SESSIONS
GET THE F***K OFF MY F******G LINE, YOU F*****G T**T!

DARREN
Well...

SESSIONS
IT'S ONE O F*****G CLOCK IN THE F*****G MORNING! NOW F***K OFF!

DARREN
Nice speaking with you, sir...

DARREN slams the phone down breathlessly and wipes his brow to the bemused looks of ZACHARY and RYAN. The phone rings again. DARREN answers cautiously.

SESSIONS
RIGHT, YOU, I WANT TO KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ABOUT!

DARREN
Mr Sessions...hi...

SESSIONS
YOU PHONE ME AT ONE O CLOCK IN THE MORNING, YOU LITTLE B*****D! I AM GOING TO STICK YOUR FACE IN A BLENDER, YOU TOTAL D*CK!

DARREN hangs up. The phone rings again, barely a second later.

SESSIONS
RIGHT, I WILL BE CALLING THE POLICE UNLESS YOU BLOODY...

DARREN slams the phone down defiantly. It rings again. Darren picks it up and slams it down a milisecond later.

DARREN
I think I'm being stalked by my customer.

ZACHARY
Could be worse.

DARREN
How?

ZACHARY
Could be Ryan.

RYAN hangs his head in shame. The phone rings again. DARREN ignores it.

DARREN
That's it! I'm off to the toilets!

[EXIT DARREN]

I wasn't keen on it. The bit about hitler/jews/The Chuckle Brothers went on far too long. People looking at internet porn at work isn't highly original either.

Also, there wasn't any real plot established. Not a strong one anyway. At the moment it just looks as though some people are going to get told off by the boss.

I did like this exchange though:

DARREN
You don’t know that. For all you know, I could be selling a cure for cancer.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Are you selling a cure for cancer?

DARREN
Well, I could be. That’s all I’m saying.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Yes, but are you?

DARREN
[Ashamed) No...

I stopped reading... not good.

You need to tighten this up a lot, it's a bit clunky and goes on wayyyy too long.

You also need to work on those jokes a lot, nazis, gays, porn and religion, these are done to death time and time again, you MUST put an original twist on these or the script will die or at very least try and be a bit more subtle with it.

It has potential, pretty much all ideas do, I wouldn't give up but I would go back to the drawing board on a lot of these jokes and some of the lines.

Quote: Winterlight @ May 31 2008, 6:36 PM BST

I wasn't keen on it. The bit about hitler/jews/The Chuckle Brothers went on far too long. People looking at internet porn at work isn't highly original either.

Also, there wasn't any real plot established. Not a strong one anyway. At the moment it just looks as though some people are going to get told off by the boss.

I did like this exchange though:

DARREN
You don’t know that. For all you know, I could be selling a cure for cancer.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Are you selling a cure for cancer?

DARREN
Well, I could be. That’s all I’m saying.

MRS CARTWRIGHT
Yes, but are you?

DARREN
[Ashamed) No...

I enjoyed that too.

I edited it.

Like has been said. There doesn't seem to be any kind of plot to any of this, though that could be because it is just the first few scenes. It isn't very punchy at the moment, and just seems to amble about a bit. It needs shortening and needs to be funnier. It could also be percieved as a poor man Office, but without any of the funny bits.

Also Darren doesn't seem like a very good sales person to me. Plus if Darren dialed a random number how did he know the name of the guy? Or was it random as in a random number off a list and not one that he just made up?

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