Stand and deliver!

EXT 1. A COACH IS BEING HELD UP BY A MOUNTED HIGHWAYMAN AND HIS ACCOMPLICE.

HIGHWAYMAN

Stand and deliver!

EXT 2. THE COACH HAS STOPPED. THE ACCOMPLICE REMAINS MOUNTED AND IS KEEPING THE DRIVER COVERED WITH A PISTOL. THE HIGHWAYMAN HAS DISMOUNTED AND IS OPENING THE DOOR OF THE COACH. INSIDE ARE A LADY, A FOP AND A BISHOP.

HIGHWAYMAN

Sirs, madam. Your purses, please. And madam your jewellery.

LADY

You fiend. I defy you to lay a hand on me.

HIGHWAYMAN

Honestly madam...

LADY

I know all about you highwaymen. How you ravish poor defenceless women.

HIGHWAYMAN

Look...

LADY

Totally defenceless. Within your power to do with as you will!

HIGHWAYMAN

Now hang on...

LADY

Sating your abominable lust.

SHE FIXES THE HIGHWAYMAN WITH A STARE.

LADY

You are going to sate your abominable lust?

HIGHWAYMAN

The thing is we are on quite a tight schedule.

LADY

All highwaymen sate their abominable lusts.

FOP

Absolutely old fellow, you can't go around holding up coaches and not ravishing defenceless women. Just not on, wot.

BISHOP

Sadly my son, it is the way of the world. (LEANING OVER AND PATTING THE LADY ON THE KNEE.) You had best get them out my dear.

THE LADY STARTS UNLACING HER BLOUSE

HIGHWAYMAN

No really madam, there's no need.

DRIVER

'Right you know. Coach has been held up more times than I have had cold gruel, and the women always been ravished, wouldn't be right not to. I had that Dick Turpin in the back of the coach the other day, ravished a countess and her two daughters he did. Beautiful bit of ravishing it was. A real craftsman.

HIGHWAYMAN

I am honestly quite happy with just the purses and the jewels.

LADY (LEANING OUT THE WINDOW AND INDICATING THE ACCOMPLICE)

I don't suppose...?

HIGHWAYMAN

Er... Norm?

ACCOMPLICE (INDIGNANT)

I'm married!

FOP

Look, if it moves things along I would be quite happy to give it a bash...

LADY

Oh, no that wouldn't be the same thing at all.

FOP

I'm frightfully keen, dontcha know.

LADY

Absolutely not. Why it would be like going into restaurant and being served by one of the other diners! No it just wouldn't do. (TO THE HIGHWAYMAN) What sort of highwayman are you anyway?

THE HIGHWAYMAN LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET.

LADY

Well?

HIGHWAYMAN

Look, the thing is I'm gay.

THERE IS AN AWKWARD SILENCE, THEN...

BISHOP (BENDING OVER AND PRESENTING HIS REAR)

Oh very well then, but try and make it quick.

END.

This is great. Best thing on here for ages. I wouldn't change a word. Nice one.

Bo.

Nice one, funny

What a joy that was to read. Fully agree with the above comments. The characters came alive; so often in sketches the characters are soulless punchline deliverers. These characters I'd love to see in action again. They all breathed. I'd like to know what they get up to next on their journey. There was much fun to be had from them long before the superb punchline. I didn't want it to end.

Thanks for the comments, which are much appreciated. I really wasn't sure if people would like this one.

Neat! Love it!

Quote: Timbo @ May 30 2008, 11:03 PM BST

Thanks for the comments, which are much appreciated. I really wasn't sure if people would like this one.

View original

It's excellent!

Very good indeed and a welcome contribution to the boards. Keep 'em coming!

I stumbled a bit over the driver's line, would suggest changing it to 'more times than I've 'ad cold gruel' or similar to make it a bit easier to read.

I thougth the highwayman was going to fancy the fop, who would have been willing as hell, so it was nice to see him up for it with the Lady, that was a surprise.

On the whole, I liked it a lot.

Excellent Timbo

Once more a good read and a well crated piece of work. Your material on here thus far has quite an "old school" feel and I mean that in a positive and complementary way. Inasmuch as this tells a story and because of the quality of the writing I was immediately visualising the action and characters.

I could see Michael Palin as the highwayman, most probably because of the style of the dialogue. The subject was imo Pythonesque but not at all Python if that makes sense.

Nice one

Very nice. Very Python. Very funny!

I can see Armstrong and Miller doing this for some reason. Liked it a lot.

I'm a bit overwhelmed by the response to this one. As Blenkinsop says, it has a rather old school feel to it. Perhaps there is a demand for old fashioned comedy.

I quite like this, but it reminds me a lot of the scene in Monty Python and The Holy Grail where Michael Palin is in the castle filled full of nuns who demand a spanking. John Cleese is then accused of being gay when he 'rescues' Michael Palin.