British Comedy Guide

Gladiators

1 INT. THE COLOSSEUM, ROME.

TWO GLADIATORS ARE FIGHTING. ONE OF THEM IS LOSING. REALLY BADLY. HIS OPPONENT HAS HIM DOWN, HIS SWORD TO HIS THROAT.

A BELL RINGS. THE TWO GLADIATORS TROOP OFF IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

2 INT. THE LOSING GLADIATOR'S "CORNER".

THE GLADIATOR IS SLUMPED ON A STOOL. HIS TRAINER, SPURIUS, IS TAKING OFF HIS HELMET. A SECOND SECOND IS STANDING BY WITH A WATER BOTTLE. THE GLADIATOR'S ARMOUR HAS BEEN PUNCTURED IN SEVERAL PLACES AND HE IS BLEEDING PROFUSELY FROM ALL OF THEM.

SPURIUS

You had him worried there.

THE GLADIATOR LOOKS AT HIM INCREDULOUSLY.

SPURIUS

You just hang in there - he'll never last the distance. Not if he keeps wearing himself out hitting you like that.

THE GLADIATOR TAKES A LONG PULL ON THE WATER BOTTLE.

SPURIUS

Just remember, there is a lot riding on this one.

GLADIATOR

Like what?

SPURIUS

Like, if you lose I should think he is probably going to kill you.

THERE IS A TENSE SILENCE. THE SECOND SECOND DECIDES TO FILL IT.

SECOND SECOND

It looks like the referee might have to stop the fight.

THE GLADIATOR, FROM WHOM BLOOD IS STILL SPURTING, LOOKS AS THOUGH HE THINKS THIS MIGHT BE A VERY GOOD IDEA. THE SECOND SECOND NODS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE OTHER CORNER.

SECOND SECOND

He's got a graze over his eye.

THE BELL RINGS BEFORE THE GLADIATOR CAN REPLY.

SPURIUS

Go on, get out there, you can do it, my son.

THE GLADIATOR STAGGERS TO HIS FEET AND OUT OF SHOT. THE CROWD ROAR. WEAPONS CLASH.

THE SECONDS ARE CAUGHT UP IN FOLLOWING THE ACTION, ESPECIALLY SPURIUS - FISTS BUNCHED HE JABS THE AIR, WHILE HIS HEAD AND SHOULDERS BOB AND WEAVE.

SPURIUS

Did you see that? Come on ref! He used a net, he only used a bleeding net. Dirty bastard. Oi! Get stuck in! Give him some shortsword! That's more like it! (HE GRIMACES) Nooo. Get up. On your feet. Give him...

THE SECONDS ARE SPATTERED WITH BLOOD, MUCH AS IF A BUCKET HAD BEEN SLOSHED OVER THEM.

3 INT. OUTSIDE THE GLADIATORS' CHANGING ROOM.

A CROWD OF REPORTERS ARE WAITING, WAX TABLETS AND STYLI IN HAND. SPURIUS STEPS OUT. SEVERAL REPORTERS START TALKING AT ONCE.

REPORTERS

Spurius. Spurius...

SPURIUS SINGLES ONE OUT TO ASK A QUESTION.

FIRST REPORTER

Spurius, you must be disappointed with the result?

SPURIUS

It was a disgrace. The referee should never have stopped the fight. The lad is just gutted.

SECOND REPORTER

How is the boy?

SPURIUS LOOKS AT HIM AS THOUGH HE MUST BE STUPID.

SPURIUS

I said, he's gutted. He hasn't got any entrails left.

THIRD REPORTER

After a result like this, would you say the time has come for him to consider quitting the game?

SPURIUS

No, I see no reason why he shouldn't carry on. If he lives.

SECOND REPORTER

Do you think these sort of injuries are bad for the image of the sport?

SPURIUS

Well there will always be bleeding heart do-gooders who want to ban it, but what these people don't appreciate is how it keeps kids like these out of trouble. A lot of 'em come from Barbarian families. If it wasn't for the circus they'd be out raping and pillaging.

SECOND REPORTER

You don't think it is barbaric for people to pay to watch two healthy young men try and kill one another?

SPURIUS IS GETTING VISIBLY IRRITATED WITH THIS REPORTER. SO ARE THE OTHER REPORTERS.

SPURIUS (SIGHING AND EXPLAINING PATIENTLY)

These lads are skilled athletes, trained to a peak of physical perfection and mental discipline. That's what people come to see. No, if anyone gets killed that just a bit of a bonus really.

THIRD REPORTER

So Spurius, do you think your boy is still a contender?

SPURIUS

Yes, of course, he...

A STRETCHER IS BROUGHT OUT OF THE CHANGING ROOM, THE BODY ON IT IS COVERED WITH A SHEET. THE SECOND SECOND FOLLOWS. WITH A SLIGHT SHAKE OF THE HEAD TO SPURIUS HE CONFIRMS THE WORST. THE REPORTERS ALL LOOK AT SPURIUS.

SPURIUS

Well, it's a setback certainly...

THE REPORTERS WATCH AS THE STRETCHER IS CARRIED AWAY.

SPURIUS

...but the fans won't let him quit!

I see what you did there. Particularly liked the gutted gag.

Very good. I can imagine it split into a couple of sketches.

This is good. I liked it very much but I also think it could maybe be split into a couple of sketches. Nice one.

Bo.

Nice. I'm not convinced it should be split into two sketches - you'd probably just end up with two similar sketches. It would probably benefit from a bit of pruning to make it shorter and punchier though. I love the idea.

Thanks for the comments. There is probably some filler I could cut, e.g. He's got a graze over his eye, but I quite like longer sketches as opposed to quickies. Probably showing my age there. (Not to mention shooting myself in the foot if I was try to find a buyer).

Not too long, though? That way lies French & Saunders.

Quote: Graham Bandage @ May 29 2008, 1:37 PM BST

Not too long, though? That way lies French & Saunders.

Yes, but the time goes faster if you remember to include some actual jokes.

Quote: Timbo @ May 29 2008, 1:28 PM BST

Thanks for the comments. There is probably some filler I could cut, e.g. He's got a graze over his eye, but I quite like longer sketches as opposed to quickies. Probably showing my age there. (Not to mention shooting myself in the foot if I was try to find a buyer).

Longer sketches can be pretty good but they absolutely need to progress. Some people can just keep the same joke going for too long and that's when a sketch gets boring. It needs to keep moving forward not just throwing extra gags at the same premise I think. Not that your sketch is particularly guilty of this, just saying.

It's a good idea, but gladiators as modern boxers is a nippier one in my view.

if you wanted to go for length, you could mix in other sports, adverts etc,

Good idea, but I think it only works if you shorten it massively.

Maybe:

Gladiators fighting - one down, about to be killed

bell

go to corners

rousing talk

vaseline put on cut over eye

bell - back out

end sketch.

Everything else was just filler after the punch.

Quote: Barbs @ May 29 2008, 4:30 PM BST

Good idea, but I think it only works if you shorten it massively.

Maybe:

Gladiators fighting - one down, about to be killed

bell

go to corners

rousing talk

vaseline put on cut over eye

bell - back out

end sketch.

Everything else was just filler after the punch.

Sarcasm right? I am new here and with one thing and another am finding it hard to tell...

Nope, wasn't meant to be sarcastic. I thought the first part was an ok visual gag, the second half just seemed to be there to make the sketch longer.

Also - the second half had a feel of the Gladiator sketch in The Life of Brian, only without being as clever or well observed.

Quote: Barbs @ May 29 2008, 4:46 PM BST

Nope, wasn't meant to be sarcastic. I thought the first part was an ok visual gag, the second half just seemed to be there to make the sketch longer.

Also - the second half had a feel of the Gladiator sketch in The Life of Brian, only without being as clever or well observed.

My mistake.

I honestly don't recall a Gladiator sketch in Brian, but then I am only an occasional worshipper at the Church of Python. Could anyone refresh my memory?

I liked this Timbo. Well written and nice humour sustained throughout. OK you could probably trim a tad but I wouldn't lose too much.

The trend for everything having to be short and sweet gets up my chuff from time to time. It seems that the holy grail is short short short. However if you look at Mitchell and Webb a lot of their stuff is "too long" if the received wisdom frequently offered is correct.

I liked this as lot and particularly the "you had him worried then" line.

Good stuff

Quote: Blenkinsop @ May 29 2008, 6:08 PM BST

I liked this Timbo. Well written and nice humour sustained throughout. OK you could probably trim a tad but I wouldn't lose too much.

The trend for everything having to be short and sweet gets up my chuff from time to time. It seems that the holy grail is short short short. However if you look at Mitchell and Webb a lot of their stuff is "too long" if the received wisdom frequently offered is correct.

I liked this as lot and particularly the "you had him worried then" line.

Good stuff

Many thanks. Mitchell and Webb was my favourite sketch show of recent years (the first series anyway).

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