Episode from my Sitcom!

Just got the 'first' episode of my 'comedy drama' returned (with encouraging comments) by BBC Writers' Room.

Tom is a very successful writer struggling to cope after the death of his wife. Every episode he meets a suicidal person on the cliff tops near his home in a Devon farmhouse.

Character List.
---------------
Regulars:
Tom, 45, a very successful author
Jane (Gran), 60, Tom’s Mother-in-Law
Milly, 17, Tom’s Goth daughter
Dan, 15, Tom’s Son
Sally, 33, Tom’s literary agent and editor
Carl, 18, Milly’s boyfriend and fellow Goth-Metal band member
Ivor, 65, Scottish artist/potter friend of Jane
Simon Hogarth, Tom's fictional academic detective
Sarah, Tom’s deceased wife

Episode 1
Lizzi, 20, a Media Studies student

Episode 4
Russ Danger, 67, Rock'n'Roll singer

Now at
<A href="http://www.freewebs.com/johnnydd/loversleap.htm" target=_blank>http://www.freewebs.com/johnnydd/loversleap.htm</A>

and a draft of Episode 4.

Hi Johnny I'll Crique first half
I liked the breakfast scene it moved nicely can imagine them bussling around liked it.
My attention start to drift half way through there are alot of characters and I started to get confused to who was who.
Humour wise it was pretty safe quite nice jokes didn't seem horse shoed in which was good. Only thing I found was it started to drag maybe to much going on and we didnt get through the story as quickly as I would of liked but it's just my view.

It'd be intresting if you posted the response from writers room to see how far off the mark we are with our crits lol

Liked the style, it placed me there at the scene. I too only read half way. The reason is that I am impatient lol. Cool idea for a sitcom too. Infact there is a real life geezer that has saved many lives this way. I cant think what cliffs he stops peeps from hurtling off,but I do remember reading about it.
You could have great fun with some of the jumpers. There is loads of comical revenue in that.

I think the idea is original and I liked the humor throughout (the donkey adoption line was great)Like Gavin I struggled to know who was who, it took time to recognise the realationships between the characters. With such a great idea why not have a dramatic/funny start to the story on the cliff top then the reader is hooked and wont struggle to read on and reach the end.

I'm a busy man with a short attention span that’s my excuse.

Read the first scene I liked it, it flowed well, I find it’s quite an art working with more than 3 characters in one scene (I don't do it myself very often as like Gavin said it can get confusing).

One more suggestion, you call this a sitcom, when dealing with death in a programme I find a "comedy drama" more accurate description as sitcoms are normally all laughs with some with a little drama added in for substance e.g. Friends. Or sometimes none.

Hello Johnny

I'm in a similar situation in that I had a sit-com rejected by the BBC - "Hitmen for Hire" which can be seen here also (PLUG PLUG).

Consequently what I have to say is just my opinion and I'm no expert.

I have read it all and agree that really it isn't a sit-com but a comedy drama. Is that how you promoted it?

Also there are a couple of obscure references that may go over most peoples heads.

Also maybe you could have pushed the meeting with Lizzi a bit earlier - unless you've actually times it to the minute. It is the main part of the story and I think it should have appeared earlier.

Hope you don't think I'm being unfair. Let me know what you think of "Hitmen".

Actually, I presented it as a comedy drama to the BBC. I don't like 'comedy drama' because, to me, it means a comedy that isn't funny. But don't lets derail my thread on the distinctions.

Regarding "it took time to recognise the realationships between the characters". Hopefully, if filmed (!!!), the relationships between a 65 year old woman, 45 year old man and teenage children over breakfast would be self-evident. However, I've added a character list to aid understanding when reading the piece.

The 'obscure' references were an intentional part of the feel of the piece. I think the real risk is not that people won't get the references but that they will view them as pretentious tosh!

Thanks for reading it, David. I'll have a look at 'Hitmen'.

I think Comedy Drama is better than sit-com. With sit-com you're pressured to make it ha-ha funny all the time and often doesn't work. I prefer stuff like Auf Weidersehn, Minder, Doc Martin etc.

I thought comedy drama was more accurate as a description as, whilst there were plenty of amusing lines, I didn't find any of them made me laugh out out loud. I did, unfortunately, feel that some of the references were pretentious and may not appeal to a wide audience and would agree that it was, at times, difficult to appreciate who was saying what. I had to re read bits to get a better understanding. As a general principle, I try not to comment on something that has been posted, unless I've read it all. I did enjoy it, but there were times that I nearly gave up as the pacing was a little slow. I did wonder if the teenagers spoke too much like the adults. I was also confused by the timing eg, Tom has written 500 words by ten past eight in the morning. He goes for a walk at about 11.35 and doesn't get back till after 4.00, what about lunch, if not for him, for poor old Sally, stuck in his house waiting for him. Also, for the kids to arrive a little after 4 but Jane to have explained to Carl they were late didn't ring true to me. My teenager is early if he gets in from school at that time.

I don't mean this to sound negative, I thought there was a lot of potential and it was well written. I too, have had a script turned down by writers room and would be interested to see what they said to you. I think it's important to get as much feedback as you can in order to hone your work. You can always dismiss it if you disagree or it conflicts with everyone else's view.

I have just received some positive feedback from Marc Blake on another script and am going to re write it based on his comments prior to submission to anyone. I think this was a worthwile excersise and was sixty quid well spent.

Thanks for the effort and feedback, Steve.

Maybe I tripped myself up with such precise timings. Probably, Tom had a pub lunch - in a dog-friendly pub.

I think there is always a tendency (and sometimes a requirement?) to 'age-up' children in comedy. But, of course, they should still sound like teenagers speaking.

Regarding the BBC Writers'Room. I don't think, realistically, anyone can hope for their piece to be commissioned as a result of a submission. My hope was to be invited to a writers' workshop and then maybe eventually get involved in a writing team. However, I broke the 'ten-page barrier' with my first ever piece - so I'm fairly pleased.

Quote: JohnnyD @ April 10, 2007, 4:46 PM

I think there is always a tendency (and sometimes a requirement?) to 'age-up' children in comedy. But, of course, they should still sound like teenagers speaking.

View original

Teenagers don't speak they grunt

I see that sitcoms aren't getting much reponse here. But I'll 'bump' this just in case anyone is lurking here and interested in my (according to the BBC Writersroom reader) 'commendable lightness of touch'. (I realise that is probably being damned by feint praise!)

It's probably a 'comedy drama' - but I cannot change the thread title.

I've now created a freewebs account to see the scripts in original ScriptSmart style. Hopefully, it is an easier read.

Also there is an early draft of Episode 4 with obscure (pretentious?) references to Ancient Greece, British 1950s Rock'n'Roll, Arthur Askey, Roy Plomley, and etc!

http://www.freewebs.com/johnnydd/loversleap.htm

Cheers.

Hi JD,

from my understanding, you must have got past stage 1 of the writers room selection process to have any feedback... most of the time they send out a standard 'we can't go into details' letter, so a big up to you... your writing obviously stood out from the crowd... keep slogging!

There did seem to be too many characters. If you have too many you have to find things for them to do. It becomes very complex, managing all these characters. Try and lessen your workload, or you will get rather frustrated.

Thanks for feedback/support.

Quote: Ed Parnell @ April 30, 2007, 3:06 AM

There did seem to be too many characters.

View original

If it *seems* like too many characters, that's clearly a problem to address. I don't think for a 'domestic' piece 7 characters is over the top - 4 living in the house and 3 friends. See 'My Family', 'Men Behaving..', et al.