This is the opening scene of a sit-com I sent to the BBC about 18 months ago - eventually rejected.
It's about 2 middle-aged failed songwriters. Semi-autobiographical? Naturally...
SCENE 1 - TOM'S BEDROOM DURING THE NIGHT.
TOM IS ASLEEP IN THE DARK. SUDDENLY HE IS AWOKEN BY HIS MOBILE PHONE RINGING ON THE TABLE NEXT TO THE BED. HE SNIFFLES, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND LOOKS ABOUT HIMSELF HALF-ASLEEP. HE STRETCHES OVER AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.
TOM (SLEEPILY) : Hello?
SPLIT SCREEN WE SEE DAN IN ANOTHER LIT ROOM. HE IS OBVIOUSLY WIDE AWAKE AND EXCITED.
DAN : I've got a riff.
TOM (PUZZLED) : You what?
DAN : I've got a riff. A great new riff. You wanna hear it?
TOM (LOOKS AT THE PHONE INCREDULOUSLY, LOOKS AT THE LIGHTS ON THE DIGITAL CLOCK READING 3.56 THEN PUTS THE PHONE BACK TO HIS EAR): Do you know it's 4 in the morning?
DAN : Yeah, it was a hit for Faron Young in 1972 - but it's nothing like that.
TOM (DISBELIEVINGLY) : I've got to get up for work at 6 o'clock.
DAN : Well I've done you a favour then. You'll be early now. You're always telling me you get in late for work.
TOM : I'm not getting up at 4 in the morning just to hear one of your AMAZING new riffs.
DAN : Go on. Just give it a listen.
TOM : It's alright for you. You don't have to actually GO to work do you?
DAN (HURT) : I've been up all night working mate. And this is the result. (A THOUGHT SUDDENLY OCCURS TO HIM)Oh sorry - you haven't got someone with you have you?
TOM : I should be so lucky - and don't you DARE say (SINGS) lucky, lucky lucky. I was on my own having a lovely sleep.
DAN : Dreaming? After all (SINGS AGAIN)"Dreaming is Free".
TOM : Will you just bloody well hut up. As a matter of fact I was dreaming.
DAN (GETTING INTERESTED) : What about mate?
TOM : I don't remember.
DAN : Well it doesn't matter then does it.
TOM : Look I WAS blissfully fast asleep. And I'm not NOW. I'm wide awake.
DAN : Chill man.
TOM : Chill? Don't tell me to chill. Firstly I've had my sleep interrupted and secondly you're trying to talk like some trendy young thing. It doesn't suit you. You're NOT young and you're NOT trendy.
DAN : Oh well. Maybe in the morning then.
TOM : You STILL won't be young or trendy in the morning. And anyway it is the morning NOW.
DAN (HOPEFUL) : In that case do you want to hear it now.
TOM (DEFEATEDLY) : Oh no. Look I don't necessarily want to hear it NOW but maybe if I get it out of the way I can get back to sleep.
DAN (EXCITED) : Great mate - you won't be disappointed.
TOM (SARCASTICALLY) : No - course I won't.
PHONE CLICKS OFF AND INSTANTANEOUSLY TOM'S BEDROOM DOOR OPENS AND DAN COMES IN WITH AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR AND SITS DOWN ON THE CORNER OF TOM'S BED. HE STARTS STRUMMING A FEW CHORDS WHICH SOUND SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE "OWNER OF A LONELY HEART" BY YES. TOM IS NOW SITTING UP IN BED AND IS SLOWLY SHAKING HIS HEAD FROM SIDE TO SIDE.
DAN (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) : Well mate? What do you think? It's not finished yet.
TOM : I think it sounds like "Owner of a Lonely Heart" by Yes. In fact it sounds like the one you came up with last week.
DAN : No mate - that was a um Major Seventh. This one's an E-Flat.
TOM : Don't try to blind me with science. You're making those chords up.
DAN : That's the whole point isn't it?
TOM : No - I mean the names of those chords. As far as I'm concerned an E-Flat is somewhere a kid goes to get his drugs.
DAN (LAUGHING): Yeah - sounds good though doesn't it? Like I know what I'm talking about. If you didn't know any better...
TOM : The trouble is I DO know better. YOU that is. You're so full of rubbish. It still sounds like "Owner of a Lonely Heart". In fact they ALL sound like "Owner of a BLOODY lonely heart".
DAN : So don't you like it?
TOM : What Yes?
DAN : No - my new riff.
TOM : It's not a new riff. It's a twenty year old riff.
DAN : I thought you liked Yes.
TOM : I DO like Yes. But that was over twenty years ago now. It used to be called Progressive Rock. The trouble with you is that you haven't progressed in twenty years. No wonder we don't get anywhere when everything you do is so outdated.
PAUSE
DAN : Don't you like it then?
TOM : You're not listening to me are you? That was then - this is now ...
DAN (INTERRUPTING) : ABC, 1983.
TOM : there's no point rehashing eighties prog rock - not unless there's a prog-rock revival of course. And I can't see that happening.
PAUSE
DAN (SLIGHTLY HURT): So you don't like it then?
TOM : At this time of night ...
DAN (INTERRUPTING AGAIN) : Morning mate.
TOM : At this time of the MORNING - no I bloody well don't.
DAN : I didn't mean to rip anyone off. It was totally sub-conscious...
TOM : I wish you WERE totally sub-conscious - or even I was - now good night. TOM GRABS A PILLOW AND COVERS HIS HEAD WITH IT.
DAN (CORRECTING HIM AGAIN) : Morning mate.
TOM HURLS THE PILLOW AT DAN WHO SWIFLY LEAVES THE BEDROOM.
TOM : And turn that bloody light out.
DAN : Sorry mate.
DAN'S HAND COMES ROUND THE DOOR AND TURNS THE LIGHT SWITCH OFF. TOM GRABS ANOTHER PILLOW AND THE SCENE CLOSES.
Well - what do you think?