Writers wanted: May 2008

Hi

I've received the following from a commissioning editor at Channel 4

"Sorry for taking sooooo long to get back to you. I’m not doing a flattering brush off when I say this is really inventive and packed with great ideas….but….reckon it’s still too hard a sell as E4 got a bit of a cash freeze and not doing anything else this year other than stuff already in the pipeline. Have you any sketch show ideas up your sleeve….that’s all there’s an appetite for at the minute. Sorry fella, it’s bastard tough at the moment."

The script I sent was a conversion of sketch material I had but what I am looking for it to take the best of my sketches and add them with some other brilliant comedy sketches from writers on this site as I know there are many superb writers here.

I would like to find another 1-4 writers, to form a group who are (approx) 20-30 years old, as the idea of acting out your own material has always been something I would love to do.

I will paste below a few examples of my work so that you can see the tone I am looking for, which I believe is something edgy and on the fringe of what you can get away with BUT it must be broadcastable.

Once the writers have been chosen I will put the group’s material into a straight sketch show format and then send the show back to the editor but I will also send the script to other companies who may find it of interest.

One of my most important abilities it sourcing, that is a big part of what I do. I have two companies, an illustration design company and a local building company and they both rely on me being inventive and able to find a constant influx of work, which I do. Before I had my own businesses I worked for a building company where I had to source materials and contacts and in the years I worked there I learnt a lot about tracking things through the internet and I would say I am very good at getting in touch with the people I need to, so once we have a completed script I will do my best to bring it to the attention of the right people.

Anyone interested in being involved please submit the sketches you think best below. If you have any questions please ask here or contact me by PM

Best regards

Scott

Sketch One: Obsessive Compulsion Disorder

INT: Doctors room

Doctor
(to husband)
Sir, it seems your wife a condition called Obsessive Compulsion Disorder. It is this that has been causing her to feel the urge to switch every light in the house on and off 5 times, due to the irrational fear of death if she doesn’t. Once she gets an idea in her head, no matter how absurd, she is unable to stop her compulsions

Husband slowly turns and looks at his wife in shock

Wife
Its true

Wife breaks down and cries

Husband
(to Doctor)
Can it be cured?

Doctor
I am afraid not, there is no cure

Husband turns slowly back to wife

Husband
(Begins slowly)
You knowwwww…if you don’t av sex with me five times aday you’ll die!

Wife stops crying and looks up in shock

Husband
(Continues and quickly drops in)
And if there’s no anal
Husband pulls a frown
…the kids

Husband draws his finger across his throat

Wife looks stunned

The Doctor looks shocked but very slowly raises two approving thumbs
Scene end

Sketch Two: Judge Kev

Int: Courtroom

A very large, hairy tattooed man is stood in the dock of a court room. He is making a nasty menace of himself, swearing out loud, threatening the guards next to him and taunting the grieving relatives of his victims

The court is asked to become silent as the old wise looking Judge passes sentence

Judge Kev
For the heinous crimes committed by you, Mr Mark Hittal on July 12th 2007 of murdering Miss Brown, Miss Siian, Mr and Mrs Kelly, Master Young, and the rape of Miss Sarah Closes, Sally Wright and Margaret Sales
(pauses)
plus the near death of Mr Bob
(pause again)
the
(said quietly and almost inaudibly)
Gimp…I sentence you to……………………….

Cut to the Accused snarling, looking totally unbothered by what he will be sent down for

Judge Kev
I sentence you to ……..be Ginger

Cut to the Accused

The Accused
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!

The grieving relatives jump up in delight and cheer as if this is the worst sentence he could have received. The court is full of applause as the Accused is dragged away wailing, screaming and crying

<Sketch Ends>

Also, it would be of interest if you could introdue yourself a little in the paragraph before your sketch starts.

Please make sure all material submitted has been written by yourself, not by somebody else or with somebody else unless you are submitting as a partnership.

Love to be a part, bit dense though how do I sned skits to you?

Or in the meanwhile I've a load of stuff in critique if you fancy a peak.

Quote: Scott Evans @ May 27 2008, 9:31 AM BST

...BUT it must be broadcastable.

View original

You've already covered mental illness, rape, murder, sex, infanticide and anal in your sketches, what else is there? Maybe the doctor should be a crossdressing racist.

Hi Scott

I'm assuming that email was from Shane Allen - well done on getting your stuff noticed by him. He's a good bloke and very encouraging / helpful to new writers. He's helped me out loads.

Good luck!

Who's Shane Allen?

Quote: hotzappa11 @ May 27 2008, 12:21 PM BST

Who's Shane Allen?

View original

He's the Comedy Commissioning Editor for Channel 4. Le Grande Fromage.

'And if there's no anal'...

I'm not sure anal's all it's up cracked to be.

Lol Simon, yeah those things are all in there but its just dialogue stuff and worse is said on TV, what I meant was stuff that would be too big for a small budget or just too coarse. For example, characters in my sketches mention bad stuff, but your not seeing it and it isn't being described in too vulgar a way, theres no 'c' words when swearing etc... you get the general idea.

Your right Perry and so what I'm looking to do now is group the best of my work with some other writers on this site, so it could possibly be a good opportunity for a few of us.

Sooty: Anyone whose interested can just paste their material on this thread or if you want to keep it a bit secret just PM me.

Once we have the people and material that are going to be involved it will be a team project. I'll put an intial script together and everyone can look at it and comment on it and once everyone is happy we can send it off under a choosen group name. At the moment the show is under the working title 'The Secret News' but Im quite happy to change that

Quote: steve by any other name @ May 27 2008, 1:17 PM BST

'And if there's no anal'...

I'm not sure anal's all it's up cracked to be.

View original

Yes but still, it has a nice ring to it.

Hit and Run

INT: Hospital room

A man called Simon wakes up in a hospital bed, this scene mimics the scene in 28 days later when the central character awakes in a deserted hospital

SIMON: Hello

Nobody answers

SIMON: Hello, is there anyone here?

There is a bang noise and heavy moans echoes down the empty corridors

SIMON: Hello, can anyone help me?

Suddenly Simon notices a hunched back figure running down the hall

Simon has a sudden look of realization on his face

SIMON: Oh my God, its just like 28 days later THE FUCKING ZOMBIES HAVE TAKEN OVER ARGH!

Simon rips the tubs out of his veins and jumps out of his hospital bed completely naked.

The hunched back man approaches Simon slowly and still groaning.

Simon picks up a metal chair and wallops the man over the head. The man falls to the fall

SIMON: Aim for the head, destroy the brain………..DIE ZOMBIE SCUM!

Simon continues to bloodly batter the man ob the floor and when he is finished he runs out into the hall and discovers other weary people groaning and roaming the halls slowly

Simon takes a deep breath and with a war cry rages down the hall bashing everyone he passes over the head in a scene of bloody violence.

Simon reaches the end of the corridor. He is dripping in blood and turns around to see all the people he had slain. He takes a deep breath and turns around to see a doctor stepping out of a room with a young girl but Simon quickly bashes her over the head

DOCTOR: My God man what are you doing?

SIMON: Zombies, run for God sake

DOCTOR: What the hell are you talking about , we’re in a home for the disabled. You were in a car crash and your only here because the hospital was seriously short of beds you prat!

Simon looks at all his victims lying on the floor lifeless

SIMON: Oh shit

If people don't mind I'd like to hear what everyone thinks of the sketches that are put up in this thread.

Ginger King, I liked that, I think visually it would be even funnier

I would love to get involved with something like this, but I fall a touch sort of your age requirements

Anyway, there are a few of my sketches posted in critique, so have a mull through them and let me know.

It needs tidying up, but I'd really love to see this sketch get filmed,

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT - 3AM

The sausage shaped clock on the wall reads 3:00AM, as Dick sits at the kitchen table, sipping a cup of coco. His flatmate Glen, walks in half asleep, he makes himself a brew.

GLEN
What's up with you mate?

DICK
I can't sleep.

GLEN
Go to bed then?

DICK
Yeah, thanks.

GLEN
I was only trying to help.

He walks over with a cup and joins Dick at the table.

GLEN (CONTINUED)
Why can't you sleep?

DICK
(Embarrassed mumble)
There's a prostitute in my bed.

GLEN
(Surprised)
What?

DICK
There's a prostitute, in my bed.

GLEN
Cool, can I go and see?

DICK
What? No! Why do you want to see that?

GLEN
Why wouldn't I want to see that?

After a slight hesitation, Dick stands up and Glen follows him to his bedroom.

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - 3AM (CONTINUOUS)

Dick casually leans on the door frame, still holding his drink. Glen playfully rubs his hands together and then steps in to view.

GLEN
What the f**k?

CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT - 3AM

The girl lays on the bed, slashed open, the surrounding walls covered with blood splatter. A pool of red stretches out across the floor.

BACK TO:

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT - 3AM

GLEN
She likes it f**king rough, doesn't she?

Dick nods his head and then takes a closer look.

DICK
Oh that's not the prostitute, ah she must've gotten away.

GLEN
(Amused)
Can't even keep a prostitute.

Glen pats him on the back.

GLEN (CONTINUED)
Goodnight mate.

DICK
(Gutted)
Yeah night.

Dick walks into his bedroom and closes the door (beat) A chainsaw sounds.

Glen continues to walk down the hall way, shaking his head in amusement.

END

Oooh I think that could be a good one Leevil, dark, a bit League of Gentlemen, just dunno if that would show it on TV.....I reckon so if its shot right. I like the line at the end, you can't even keep a prositute. Have you got some more?