2nd 10 pages of Last Chance Romance

BACK AT THE OFFICE

LEANE AND SHARON ARE CHATTING AROUND THE WATER COOLER AT THE OFFICE.

LEANE
So me sister says we’re going to call her Stella, cos I got so pissed on it I forgot to put my diaphragm in.

JANE
Charming well she’ll get on well with the twins Tia, and Maria. And what’s their brother called?

LEANE
Oh Brian, they wanted to call him Buckfast, but the vicar said he’d call the social.
I keep thinking I should, but she’s the only one who records my Jeremy Kyle.

JANE
Well I get all I need from Lorraine Kelly, her soft Scottish bur is a voice of sweet reason. She was doing a fascinating thing today, on Bipolar personality shift. It’s when a shocking event, makes some one suddenly switch from a passive, to an aggressive personality. The Jekyll and Hyde effect.

LEANE
How funny Jezzer covered that yesterday. This girl was getting knocked around by her hubby, so she cuts off his unmentionables.
I was a punching bag, now I’ve got the nads out your bag.

TINA TURNS UP SHE IS QUITE FLUSTERED AND CARRYING A BIG SHOPPING BAG.

TINA
Hiya girls, boy what a day I’ve had. I went to Last Chance Romance yesterday, and they got me a date. With a guy called Ed Gein secret love machine.

JANE
As in Ed Geine the vile serial killer, me and Barry watched a documentary on him, on National Geographic last night.

LEANE
He sounds a right bloody nut case. So what’s in the bag.

TINA
Oh just bits he asked me to bring to the date.

LEANE POKES AROUND THE BAG

LEANE
Bin bags, bleach, Stain Devil blood, and sputum. Is this bloody chancer trying to get you to clean his flat on the first date?

JANE ALSO HAS A RUMMAGE
Tooth extractor, a hacksaw. Tina I think he might be a nutter.

TINA
Oh he’s probably into a bit of roleplay, everyone is these days. It says so in Cosmopolitan. There’s this woman who gets her husband to kidnap her and tie her up. And this other woman who dress’s as a prostitute, and makes her husband pay.

LEANE
Now that would be profitable, my Dave would have paid for a holiday to Euro Disney by now, the dirty bastard. Still girl this is well dodgy.

TINA
Oh I know but I’ve got my mobile. He asked me to tell all you girls I was going on a long holiday, and wouldn’t be able to phone.

JANE
Tina this really worries me, are you sure your doing the right thing?

TINA
Well love finds you in the most unusual places.

TONY COMES OVER, HE’S LOOKING IF ANYTHING EVEN MORE FURTIVE, AND UNPLEASANT THAN YESTERDAY.

TONY
Ladies tea break is over, now chop….

LEANE
Oh Tony hang on I think I dropped a pencil.

SHE BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP, DELIBERATELY TUGGING HER TSHIRT FURTHER DOWN. TONY GLARES AT HER, FURIOUSLY FIDDLING IN HIS POCKET.

TONY
Oh my, get back to work, back to work…..

LEANE
I love it when you’re commanding Tony.

TONY GIVES A STRANGLED YELP AND RUNS FOR THE GENTS

LEANE STRAIGHTENS UP
LEANE
Tina, this is wrong, get a hair cut, a better skirt, and stop doing your makeup with a baseball and you’ll be fine, just give this one a miss.

JANE
You’re a lovely girl, Tina just not this time eh, you can do better.

TINA
You’re right girls

JANE
Crumbs look out here comes Tony.

LEANE WAVES AT HIM

LEANE
Oh lover boy.

SHE MAKES A BLOW JOB SALUTE GESTURE AT HIM, HE SCUTTLES BACK INTO THE TOILET THEY ALL CRACK UP

LATER THAT EVENING TINA IS WITH HER BIG BAG OF STUFF OUTSIDE AN HOTEL, IT’S ONE OF THOSE NASTY ONES BELOVED OF 70S MOVIES WITH PIMPS IN THEM.

TINA
The girls were right I must be mad. Come on chin up girl, no more nights with the Hallmark Channel, and next doors cat.

WE NEXT SEE HER OUTSIDE A BEDROOM, THE DOOR IS AJAR SHE WALKS IN
THE ROOM IS COVERED IN NEWSPAPERS AS IF TO ABSORB A LOT OF FLUIDS.
THE BED HAS HANDCUFFS ON THE POSTS.
A MAN WALKS OUT FROM BEHIND THE DOOR HE HAS A HATCHET IN ONE HAND, AND AN ENORMOUS DILDO WRAPPED IN BARBED WIRE IN THE OTHER (HE IS ED) HE IS NEATLY DRESSED WITH GELLED BACK HAIR, AND OBSESSIVELY IRONED CLOTHES.

TINA
Err hello are you Ed?

ED
Erm er yes, erm I Ed, this is awkward. You’d usually have screamed and run off by now.

TINA
I beg your pardon?

ED
You know screamed, run off, help he’s a mad man, all that. Then I have a quick J Arthur, and tidy up. I send you £200 to you via Last Chance. It’s my fetish you see, pretending to be a serial killer, and scaring girls.

TINA
Oh.

ED PUTS THE DILDO, AND HATCHET ON THE BED.

ED
I’m sorry it must seem pretty childish now I think about it. Scaring girls, making them buy silly things., I think it’s because my mum was a Traffic Warden.

TINA IS SNEAKING UP BEHIND ED SHE HAS THE DILDO IN BOTH HANDS
SHE BRINGS THEM DOWN ON HIS HEAD FULL FORCE.
HE CRASHES TO THE GROUND

TINA
You worm, this date was supposed to be something special, and you mock me like this, you crawling maggot.

ED
I’m sorry I’ll get help.

JANE(AS VO)
doing a fascinating thing today, on Bipolar personality shift. It’s when a shocking event, makes some one suddenly switch from a passive, to an aggressive personality. The Jekyll and Hyde effect.

TINA LOOKS I N THE MIRROR A HUGE SMILE COVERS HER BLOOD STAINED FACE

TINA
This hair really is too long, the girls were right.

TINA BRINGS THE DILDO DOWN AGAIN, AND AGAIN, BLOOD FLYS UP IN A SPRAY, EVENTUALLY FOLLOWED BY MORE SOLID MATTER THAT MAY WELL BE CRANIUM

THE NEXT DAY BACK AT THE WATER COOLER JANE AND LEANE ARE TALKING

LEANE
Ave you seen the news today, ho boy! Man beaten to death with dildo, Sky News had a representative from Anne Summers, to say how their dildos meet full European safety standards.

JANE
I know me and Barry were listening to thought for the day on Radio 4. The Archbishop was saying, it’s a hard example of the dangers of self pleasure.

LEANE
Dick head was the headline in the Sun.

TINA JOINS THEM SHE HAS A SMART SHORT BOB CUT NOW

TINA
Hello girls, that was the best date I’ve ever been on.

LEANE
So was he a nutter, did he cry for his mum when he kissed you?

JANE
Did he ask you if the lambs were screaming?

TINA
He gave me everything I needed.

One problem. As a woman, I cannot relate to Leane's character. The whole blow job salute bit? It's... well... pretty horrible. No doubt woman like this exit in one form or another, but personally she is not believable as a woman.

Is the rest ok, she's quite nice otherwise.

Will amend that bit. I think Tony is such a creep, a nice smile would have him scuttling away.

To be completely honest, I wasn't a fan of her character. I can see how she could be loveable though... Personally I think I'd warm to her more if she was a little softer. Not, by any means, to say woman have to be soft to be liked (*feminist power, rock on*), but her hardness isn't very attractive. If she was my character, I'd want to keep her essence, that street smart toughness, while softening her around the edges a bit. You can be a strong woman without mentioning breaking someone's balls every few minutes!

By all means, take what I'm saying with a pinch of salt. I am a young female, so a very specific audience.

It's interesting as it's a story that only works with a mainly female cast (it'd be pretty horrid with a male protagonist).

I think Leane's meaness comes because I gave her to many gags. I'll spread them round more evenly, and maybe add a 4th character.

Mind if I say the didlo bludgeoning not to horrible? It's why I gave him a hatchet, so I could easily edit it out.

Leane is actually based on an amalgam of two ex colleagues.

Haha, nope for some reason the dildo violence was absolutely fine. Apparently it's only blow jobs that offend me.

I think the key word there is "amalgam". The subtleties of the "fairer" sex are easily lost. We are such complex beings after all.

I suspect you're right about spreading the gags out a bit.

I must add, I adored this:

TINA
Err hello are you Ed?

ED
Erm er yes, erm I Ed, this is awkward. You’d usually have screamed and run off by now.

Genius!

It just felt unpleasant. And pseudo-dark.

The characters weren't likeable, and the assumption using coarse language and saying 'dildo' is instantly funny is a wrong one.

I also think writing a show about a dating agency is the most common idea ever.

Quote: Rebecca Davies @ May 20 2008, 5:24 PM BST

I must add, I adored this:

TINA
Err hello are you Ed?

ED
Erm er yes, erm I Ed, this is awkward. You’d usually have screamed and run off by now.

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It's so obvious that line. It's not really even a joke it's been around so long.

Worryingly, I found Tina the most likeable character out of them all...

Worryingly, I have no idea what a blow job salute gesture is.

Quote: Seefacts @ May 20 2008, 5:30 PM BST

It's so obvious that line. It's not really even a joke it's been around so long.

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I really don't think that's fair Seefacts! C'mon, lighten up! It doesn't need to be the most original joke in the world to make someone laugh. What you call obvious, others would call a classic.

Quote: Rebecca Davies @ May 21 2008, 2:38 PM BST

I really don't think that's fair Seefacts! C'mon, lighten up! It doesn't need to be the most original joke in the world to make someone laugh. What you call obvious, others would call a classic.

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It's a unimaginative and bland I'm afraid. It's the kind of joke that stands out a mile as bad writing.

Sorry, just telling it how I see it.

Quote: Seefacts @ May 21 2008, 2:41 PM BST

It's a unimaginative and bland I'm afraid. It's the kind of joke that stands out a mile as bad writing.

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How d'you know he isn't aiming this at BBC3?

Aah but Winterlight did you like it?

Hmm Seefacts I rarely challenge critics.

But in this case, course language? There's one bloody, one dildo, and one bastard. That's almost My Family clean. I suppose there's course imagery, but that's a different matter altogether.

It's very much at the beta stage, and as I was asked to write this for a chap who fancies translating it, the language is highly simplified.

Unpleasant and dark were definitely what I was going for. More so than funny oddly enough.

Quote: sootyj @ May 21 2008, 6:00 PM BST

Aah but Winterlight did you like it?

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Not really. I disliked the characters and didn't laugh.

Fair does, may edit it.