SKETCH COMP 18.05-25.05.08

Congrats to FRED PETERS for winning! That's 10 shiny points and an excuse to look proud and cock-sure. (PM me for next week's subject please. Otherwise I keep having to randomly search for topics). Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Fred Peters
3 - 5 - Otterfox
1 - 1 - Badge

Special mention to Nigel Kelly and, um, me.

The new subject is INTERNET, chosen by me.

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 25 May.

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

82 - Frankie
82 - Charley Rance
72 - Fred Peters
66 - Jude
60 - Baumski
48 - Michael Monkhouse
31 - Nigel Kelly
31 - Paul Watson
26 - David Chapman
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
17 - Ellie
15 - Otterfox
15 - Leevil
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
11 - Steven
11 - Swerytd
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - Winterlight
06 - Hellboy
05 - Tumble
05 - Bushbaby
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
05 - John Kelly
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Badge
01 - David Bussell
01 - Wayne Lewis
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm stoopid, so PM me. Thanks

(Really and *technically* speaking, this is a Tilt reject)

Dan

=================
BBC iPLAYER
=================

ANNOUNCER:
Missed the latest episode of 'Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps'? Missed the rerun a couple of hours later? Missed the re-rerun an hour after that?

Well, now you can download it using the BBC iPlayer!

A FUTURISTIC VOICE SPEAKS IN A ECHOEY, APOCALYPTIC WAY

FUTURISTIC:
BBC iPlayer!

ANNOUNCER:
Allowing you to watch Eastenders anytime you like, because you didn't care enough when it was on the first time! Or when it was repeated on BBC3! Or even when it was in the omnibus! *And* you're willing to wait another hour for it to download!

FUTURISTIC:
BBC iPlayer!

ANNOUNCER:
*ALL* the BBC programmes you never wanted to watch! *ALL* the BBC programmes that aren't the decent American dramas we're not allowed to put on the interweb because of a writers' strike!

FUTURISTIC:
BBC iPlayer!

ANNOUNCER:
A plethora of turgid soap opera, painstaking period pieces and a reality show where a rich, confused wideboy shouts at some middle-class tossers who've never done a proper day's work in their lives!

FUTURISTIC:
BBC iPlayer!

ANNOUNCER:
Making the unwatchable... rewatchable.

END

INT. DAY. OFFICE.

TWO MEN (BOB AND PAUL) ARE CONDUCTING A JOB INTERVIEW WHEN AN APPLICANT (CECIL) COMES IN.

BOB: Can you sit down please pelmet.

CECIL: Why thank you legendary octopus.

PAUL: On your CV Xerxes reactionary, you mention that you were a software engineer oedipus complex archdeacon.

CECIL: Yes, polaris stank. I have 12 years experience of Cuthroat Jake radiators and binary systems.

BOB: Oh, waggle my dingdong. Educated to degree level in brontosaurus IT?

CECIL: Of course, and I am studying part time Santa Green Cross Code for a MA in computer science.

PAUL: Marvellous, what coney island attributes will you bring to the mudslide post?

CECIL: Enthusiasm, Lord's Taverners, drive, a methodical manhole approach.

BOB: What period of Bob Carolgee's notice are you required to give in your Tarzan current job?

CECIL: Two sloth weeks.

PAUL: Thank you, we will mountaineers let you know very wardrobe shortly.

CECIL LEAVES THE ROOM.

PAUL: Nice chap, Latino ping pong.

BOB: Yes, and he knows his stuff ludo, snakes and bladders.

PAUL: Subject to references, it's a parsley Peru yes then Hornblower?

BOB: And on completion of a Mull of Kintyre medical too ooh ooh the funky gibbon.

PAUL: Fancy going for a pint after Spock work?

BOB: I was bubonic armpits going to play scrabble.

PAUL: Come on you boring dynamic Napoleon old sod.

BOB: Well, as it happens, now then, now then, I've got a brand new combine harvester bottle of whiskey in the cupboard.

PAUL: Strewth, crack her open, Lord wont you buy me a Mercedes Benz, now.

BOB: Will do, I'm full of origami surprises frugal.

A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IS OPENED.

ONE HOUR LATER.

PAUL: Peas.

BOB: Angling, dimmer switch.

PAUL: ZZ Top, slippers, brass ornaments.

BOB: Tricycle, soffit and bubble wrap.

V/O: And the gibberish continued at the Internet Spam HQ long into the hairy arsed night.

ENDS.

INTERNET NAMES

Int. Pub. A selection of slightly self-consciously odd looking people round a table drinking. John enters the pub.

TIM: Hey, John!

JOHN: Tim? Hello mate! I didn't know you drank in this pub.

TIM: I’m just having a bit of a meet-up with some of the people from that message board I go on. I’ll introduce you. This is PowerDave1974, that’s JimJimJimJim with his girlfriend SpankyCake. That’s SexyShadesGirl and WonderBadger is up at the bar.

John does a sort of 'hello' nod to everyone.

TIM: Everyone, this is John.

JIMJIMJIMJIM: Eh?

JOHN: John.

SEXYSHADESGIRL: I don't get it?

JOHN: How do you mean?

SEXYSHADESGIRL: Your name. It's not very easy to remember is it?

JOHN: What's so difficult about the name 'John'?

SPANKYCAKE: Well it's a bit...bland. There's nothing that makes it stick in the memory. Perhaps we can call you PintOfBeerChap? That would be easier to remember than...than...

JOHN: It's John! My name's John! I don't want to be called PintOfBeerChap, FlagonOfAleGeezer or anything else. Look, I'm actually meeting some friends so I'll leave you freaks to get on with it. We only came in here for the Pool Competition.

He walks off.

JIMJIMJIMJIM: (PAUSE) Doesn't Paul Competition post on that other message board?

I've no idea whether I am able to post an entry on this section of the forum - I'm new to this website... so I'll post an entry now and deal with the consequences later.

Sketch - www.internetaholicsanonymous.com

I've been criticised for setting up a Website and blog which enables internetaholics to discuss the impact their addiction to the internet has on work and relationships...

I understand where my critics are coming from, because sure, it's a website itself, so it's contributing to the list of sites that a given internetaholic visits on a regular basis... therefore, contributing to their addiction, impacting even further on relationships and work... but I strongly disagree with the criticism; in actual fact, the effectiveness of my website is backed up by some very basic mathematics. Let me explain...

Firstly, I'm a strong believer that if you admit you have a problem, which obviously an internetaholic is doing by registering on my website and using its various forums to discuss their problem, then you're half way towards solving your problem...

Secondly, I believe that a problem shared is a problem halved... or it is if you only share it with one person... but when you consider that there are approximately 2,000 bloggers currently using our site daily to discuss their problems - the basic maths tells you that if you divide your problem by 2,000, the problem is reduced to 0.05% of its original size! Therefore, by visiting our website daily to discuss your problem with someone in the same situation as you, you're 99.95% of way to solving your internet addiction!

In addition, by increasing our number of daily users, which will continue to grow over time, you're decreasing the size of other peoples problems as the number of bloggers on the site increases... every time a new internetaholic joins, everybody's problem continues to slowly fade away!

As for me, well, my internet addiction is completely cured now... the website earns me a small fortune so I don't really have a job 9-5 anymore to get in the way of my surf time, and I've upgraded the girlfriend, and she doesn't argue cos she's simply grown too accustomed to the lifestyle my bank balance affords us, so I surf when I like!

Guy gets a text message:'Check your Email'.
He checks his Email: 'Hi!'

OWLS.

KEVIN IS ON THE INTERNET AND HIS GRANDFATHER WALKS IN.

GRANDAD: You're not on that bloody internet thing again are you?

KEVIN: Grandad, the internet is one of the greatest inventions of the 20th Century. You can look up anything you want. The possibilities are endless.

GRANDAD: Rubbish!

KEVIN: Ok. Well you like owls, don't you?

GRANDAD: I do. I'm fond of the owl.

KEVIN: We can find out anything you want to know about owls.

GRANDAD: (WARMING TO THE IDEA) ..Really.. well there was one owl I wanted to check out. It begins with the letter 'b'.

KEVIN: Brown spectacled owl?

GRANDAD: No.

KEVIN: Band-bellied owl?

GRANDAD: No.

KEVIN: Barred eagle owl?

GRANDAD: No.

KEVIN: Barn owl?

GRANDAD: (becoming a little more agitated) No. It's bbb, bbbbi....

KEVIN: Balsas screech owl?

GRANDAD: No.

KEVIN: Bearded screech owl?

GRANDAD: No. (BECOMING ANGRY) No, no, nooo! (TRYING DESPERATELY TO REMEMBER) It's bbbb...bbbb. bbbbbbastards to it!!

HE BEGINS TO WALK AWAY BUT TURNS BACK TO GIVE OUT.

GRANDAD: Useless! What kind of a useless contraption is it?! It's the biggest pile of shite I've ever laid my eyes on. It may as well be a pile of vomit for all its worth.

Pure piss, pure monkey... monkeys piss. Piss from a monkey, thats what it is!

KEVIN: Bismarck hawk owl?

GRANDAD: Thats it! (NOW PERFECTLY POLITE) Good man yourself. What does it say about it?

KEVIN: It's just taking a second to come up.

GRANDAD: (RETURNING TO ANGER) Complete waste of time and space! Unadulterated pools of rubbish and piss. Its shite squared! Piles and piles of.....

KEVIN INTERRUPTS.

KEVIN: Here it is.

GRANDAD: (VERY PLEASANTLY) God it's great isn't it.

END.

INT. A LIVING ROOM - DAY

A lad sat down watching TV, and another lad sat at a computer desk using the computer behind him.

Comp. lad: Hey Paul, fancy doing this quiz for me?

TV. LAD: Eh, why not.

COMP. LAD: Cool. Right, question one. What is your favourite colour?

TV. LAD: Green

COMP. LAD: Right. Question 2. What is your favourite animal?

TV. LAD: Ummmm....Penguin

COMP. LAD: Question 3. What do you prefer. Hot or cold?

TV. LAD: Hot

Fade to black and then back to the scene. The Tv lad looks bored to death. The caption "4 hours later" shows on the bottom of the screen.

COMP. LAD: Question 465. What is your favourite type of denim?

TV. LAD: (Sounding like he has no interest any more)
Stone wash. How many more of these questions are there?

COMP. LAD: That was the last one.

TV. LAD: Thank god for that. It better had be interesting after pissing 400 odd questions.

COMP. LAD: Oh it is. It's to find which disney princess you are.

TV. LAD: (Shouting angrily)
WHAT!

COMP. LAD: Yeah. Apparently you're Princess Mulan because you're lovely as a blossom.

INT DAY AN OFFICE

TWO CREATIVE TYPES SIT WITH SOME BESUITED EXECUTIVES

EXECUTIVE 1:
SO, WE’RE PAYING 3 GRAND FOR YOUR ‘WEB-BASED SOLUTION’ THEN?

CREATIVE 1:
YEAH, IT’S A MASH UP OF CLICK THROUGH AND WIDGET-BASED STREAMING VIDEO.

CREATIVE 2:
YEAH, IT’S CLIENT DRIVEN BUT AUDIENCE-CENTRED.

CREATIVE 1:
TOTALLY WEB 2.0.

CREATIVE 2:
SHALL WE SHOW YOU THE AD?

EXECUTIVE 2:
OF COURSE.

THE CREATIVES CLICK ON A FILE. THE VIDEO SHOWS A MAN WITH Y FRONTS PULLED UP PAINFULLY HIGH. HE IS DANCING BY GYRATING HIS HIPS IN CIRCULAR MOTION. HE APPEARS TO HAVE COCO POPS STUCK TO HIS FACE. THE MUSIC IS MADE BY FART SOUNDS AND WHAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMONE PLAYING A COMB.

CREATIVE 1:
WHADDYA THINK.

CREATIVE 2:
IS IT RIGHT FOR THE CLIENT? WHO ARE YOU AGAIN?

EXECUTIVE 1:
THE SAMARITANS.

THE ROOM FALLS SILENT.

CUT

Comp's closed, let's vote till midnight Wed!

BTW - perhaps I should've checked out the internetaholicanonymous.com weblink before posting the sketch... that awful looking site has nothing to do with me!

Some good entries but I'm gonna go with the Nigel of the Kellys.

Chris Forshaw got the biggest laugh from me, so gets my vote. Kudos to Afinkawan for a great concept, but the sketch could be a lot stronger (give it a rewrite or two!)

Dan

Fred Peters gets my vote.

I'm voting FRED PETERS and closing!