Extract from Last Chance ROmance 2

CUT TO THE OUTSIDE OF A GLOOMY, OLD OFFICE BUILDING. TINA IS LOOKING AT THE ENTRY SYSTEM. THE STICKERS READ,

24 HOUR SOLICITORS, WE SPECIALISE IN ABH, GBH, AND TAX EVASION
24 HOUR ABORTIONIST, AND STD CLINIC.
24 HOUR PSYSCHIATRIST, VALIUM, AND RHYTALLIN PRESCRIPTIONS GURANTEED.
LAST CHANCE ROMANCE.

UNDER THAT SOME ONE HAS SCRAWLED SEEMINGLY IN BLOOD,
LAST CHANCE YOU RUINED MY LIFE, I HOPE YOU BURN IN HELL!

LEANE LEANS FORWARD SEE’S THERES SOME BLOOD ON THE BUZZER, WRAPS A FLORAL HANKEE AROUND HER FINGER.

NOTHING HAPPENS, SHE PRESS’S AGAIN. AFTER A WHILE THE DOOR BUZZES THERE IS NO VOICE FROM IT.

SHE ENTERS AND WALKS UP THE STAIRS, THIS IS A REALLY FOUL BUILDING.
THERE’S STAIRS MISSING, STAINS COVER THE WALLS. THERE’S EITHER A TRAMP SLEEPING ON THE FLOOR, OR HE’S A CORPSE. SOME DOORWAYS ARE BOARDED UP, OTHERS HAVE THEIR DOORS MISSING. LIGHTS FLICKER ON AND OFF.
I’LL KILL YOU IS SPRAYED ALL THE WAY UP THE WALL.

AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS IS A GRIMY DOOR, STUCK ON IT IS A PIECE OF A4 PAPER SAYING
LAST CHANCE ROMANCE
BENEATH SOME ONE HAS SCRAWLED ON THE DOOR
GO HOME NOW!

SHE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR IT SWINGS OPEN, THE OFFICE IS IN DARKNESS.

TINA
Hello any one here? Hello, it’s me Tina.

THERE IS SCRABBLING SOUND AND A LIGHT IS SWITCHED ON ILLUMINATING THE ROOM
IT IS A SCUZZY OFFICE, THERE IS A DESK WITH SEVERAL PARTIALLY FINISHED SPIRIT BOTTLES ON IT. BESIDES THE DESK IS A MATRESS AND BLANKET. OVER THE DESK IS DRYING A SKIRT, ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK IS A BATTERED FILING CABINET.

KATHY STANDS BY THE LIGHT SWITCH, SHE IS A RADDLED 50 SOMETHING WOMEN, WITH BADLY TINTED RED HAIR, SHE IS WEARING A SHIRT BUT NOTHING ON HER LEGS.

KATHY
Who are you? If you’re the landlord, I sucked your dick last week that should be good for a week, if I owe you money, you can get lost.

TINA
Err no my names Tina, I was hoping to use your dating agency, but you didn’t have a phone number.

KATHY
Bastards cut me off last week, how can you offer to suck the dick of some faceless corporation? You don’t mind if I don’t put my skirt on it’s still drying.

Are these extracts from the beggining of this story or the middle? I would like to see a bit more of this before forming any definite opinions. At the moment it just seems a bit disjointed.

I feel this line doesn't work very well because Kathy can obviously see who has just walked in, and that Tina doesn't have a dick to suck, also surely Kathy would know what the landlord looked like if she sucked his dick last week.

Quote: sootyj @ May 19 2008, 3:49 PM BST

KATHY
Who are you? If you’re the landlord, I sucked your dick last week that should be good for a week, if I owe you money, you can get lost.

View original

Another thing is that Tina starts off as Tina, changes to Leane (isn't Leane spelled Leanne?), then back to Tina again.

Damn you dyslexia you get all my names round the wrong way!

Thanks Wayne.

That dick sucking line is also a bit of a context breaker, so I'll probably kill it.

Why don't you add a bit more to these extracts? That way we could get a better idea. I have a feeling they could have a very dark premise.

Well I'll stick the whole thing up, but when I've done that before people were mean!

F**k em! How long is it (the script that is)?

Well it's meant to be 30, I'm hoping to finish draft 1 tonight.

How long would that be in time?

Well next 10 in an hour or so. 10 after that by midnight I reckon.

Very much a first draft.

I meant how long is 30 pages when show on the screen? Half hour?

Half an hour, it's a screen play of 3 short stories I'm working.

Beleive it's called a portmanteau film if you want to be posh.

portmanteau? Doesn't that mean coat rack in french?

So these other two stories are going to be different but somehow linked to this one I take it? Sounds interesting.

Well there's a bit of another one on here some where, called The Honour of CLowns.

I don't find normal thing funny sometimes it worries me.

You should read some of my stuff! None of it's normal and I think it's hilarious!

Excellent I think I have, but I will look again.