(VO) I like to torture people, but in such a way as to ensure that no real physical harm is done... I suppose you'd call it physical tormenture, rather than torture... yes... physical tormenture would be a more appropriate way of describing it...
I picked up some drunkard up last week whilst pretending to be a cab driver... he was pissed and just fell asleep in the back, so I sellotaped his eyelids open and wedged his head out of a window before doing 90mph down the motorway. He woke up screaming and vomiting, but then gradually calmed down and passed out after a quarter of an hour, so no real harm was done. I thought it might be a funny way to sober him up. I pulled up outside the address he gave me and dumped him in the front garden. He probably woke the next morning and thought he dreamt the whole thing, and I had my bit of fun, nobody got hurt.
I do it most Friday and Saturday nights now. It's become a real obsession, but I don't get the same buzz out of it that I used to... I need to spice things up a bit...
The ultimate for me would be to ensnare a celebrity or two. I have a recurring dream where I pick up Elton John and David Furnish from their LA mansion in a stretch limo... I drug their champagne and take them back to my house, where I force Elton to tie a piece of string to Davids testicles. On the end of the string, I instruct him to tie a small, old fashioned 19th century iron. I then force David to stand on top of a grand piano in front of Elton, and tell him to sway from side to side, which causes the odd grunt of discomfort, all of which acts as a kind of human metronome... I then tell Elton to play any old iron on the piano while I laugh and they cry.
I'm thinking of moving to LA next year to establish once and for all whether this is merely a dream or a fantastically vivid premonition.
