Bushcraft

Alright people, it's been a while since I've posted in here - a rare treat for you all i'm sure you'll agree. Let me know what you think of this - I think it could do with shortening but not sure how to.

BUSHCRAFT

A RAY MEARS TYPE CHARACTER AND A FRIEND ARE FILMING A
“BUSHCRAFT” TYPE PROGRAMME IN SOME WOODS.

RAY:Hello, and welcome back to “Bushcraft”. Now take a look at

this. If you were one of our ancestors, a hunter gatherer, and you

fancied a snack, there weren’t many corner shops around to

buy a food (LAUGHS). But there is a tasty snack or two

contained within here. (INDICATES TO A LARGE MOUND) It

tastes a lot nicer than a Mars Bar, and it’s a lot healthier. Put

your hand in there Gordon.

GORDON PUTS HIS HAND INTO THE MOUND AND BEGINS SCREAMING.

RAY:Army ants. That’s going to swell up badly. What Gordon

should have done is use a stick like this, or smoke them out.

(EATS ANT OUT OF HIS HAND) Delicious. Beats smokey

bacon crisps any day.

RAY WALKS INTO THE WOODS. GORDON IS LEFT INSPECTING HIS
HAND, SHAKING IT. CUT TO RAY AND GORDON STOOD BY A RIVER
BANK.

RAY:The river. This was an abundant food source for our ancestors

and still is. I set up a line only this morning and caught this little

fella.

CUT TO LIBRARY FOOTAGE OF A FISH IN SOMEONES HAND, THEN

BACK TO RAY AND GORDON.

RAY:Run your fingers along his back Gordon.

GORDON LOOKS AT RAY FOR A SECOND, THEN WARILY RUNS HIS
FINGER ALONG THE BACK OF THE FISH.

GORDON:Jesus!

RAYoisonous spines. You really do have to be careful when handling

these, they may look innocent, but the poison can cause

temporary paralysis, and nightmarish hallucinations.

(LOOKING UP) Its getting dark, we better head back to camp.

RAY WALKS OFF INTO THE WOODS. GORDON WATCHES HIM LEAVE,
TURNS TO LOOK AT THE FILM CREW, SHAKES HIS HEAD, THEN
SLOWLY FOLLOWS RAY.

RAY:Now, we haven’t had a good day for gathering, and the same

thing would have happened to our ancestors. Like them

though, we will have to make do. Now, I did manage to find

these beautiful, juicy red berries, don’t they look tasty Gordon?

GORDON LOOKS AT THE BERRIES THEN UP TO RAY, THEN TO THE
CREW, THEN BACK TO RAY.

RAY:It’s all we’ve got until civilisation Gordon. It’s up to you. I suppose

it all depends on how hungry you are.

GORDON WAITS, THEN GRABS A HANDFUL OF THE BERRIES AND
SHOVES THEM IN HIS MOUTH. HE CHEWS AND SWALLOWS THEM. RAY
STARES AT HIM FOR A BEAT THEN TURNS TO THE CAMERA.

RAY:Now Gordon, has just eaten some highly poisonous berries…

GORDON:Wanker!

GORDON PUSHES THE CAMERA AND STORMS OFF INTO THE WOODS

RAYOPENING MARS BAR) Some people just aren’t built for

bushcraft.

END

lol I think a little reaction as he start hallucination trip sort of start him of normal then wear him down by the end were he storms out he looks a right state. thats my input

I realy liked it Laughed out loud with fish bit good work Length wise I think its fine doesnt seem to drag so I'd keep it

Cheers Gav, may use the hallucination idea actually.

The fish bits my favourite too.

Lol the "wanker" line at the end made it. It's the sort of reaction you might give to your mate who just ate all your crisps whilst you went out rather than someone who had poisoned you all day.

I agreed with the wanker.

Very good indeedy.

Nice one Ginge - I don't think it is too long. If you still feel it is yourself then you could cut it down into three shorter sketches and come up with some more similar ones to make a small collection along the same lines. Keep 'em comin!

Hey Ginger, nice sketch, and funny too. I like the bit where 'GORDON LOOKS AT THE BERRIES THEN UP TO RAY, THEN TO THE
CREW, THEN BACK TO RAY' you sort of feel for poor Gordon
I too believe that you can make a colloection of these,..limitless possibilites out there in the bush. Keep at it, and good luck, look forward to more.....!

Quote: David Chapman @ April 9, 2007, 9:58 PM

I agreed with the wanker.

View original

No need to call me a wanker Dave

Wanker for me too. Good sketch