Kidz and Booze

My one and only Tilt entry - rejected of course. I don't really like writing topical stuff but I'm going to have another go when I get some more time.

EMMA
According to research published this week the average 15 year old in Britain drinks 177 pints of Beer a year.

CHRIS
Ha! Those wimps! I can drink more than that.

EMMA
This is a serious problem!

CHRIS
I know. We're turning into a nation of lightweights!

EMMA
I think you've misunderstood the point of this research. These kids are drinking way too much!

CHRIS
Well I disagree. I'd argue they're not drinking enough! When I was 15 I'd often finish off a busy day at school with a few pints of Lager and a puff on my crack pipe.

EMMA
You never had a crack pipe!

CHRIS
OK fine! It was a Sherbet fountain. But I used to down that Sherbet in one.

EMMA
The government are now planning to solve the problem by raising taxes on Alcohol.

CHRIS
Whoah! Raising taxes on Alcohol? That'll cost me a fortune! Those Yobs just ruin it for the rest of us!

EMMA
Let's try not to label all children as Yobs.

CHRIS
I was talking about the government.

EMMA
Right, well I'm glad you're coming round to my way of thinking, even if it is for completely selfish reasons.

CHRIS
OK, here's my plan to fix this. We round up a bunch of young kids and we strap them into chairs.

EMMA
I don't think I want to hear the rest of this plan.

CHRIS
Then we get all 'Clockwork Orange' on their asses. We subliminally teach them to vomit at the mere sight of an Alcopop.

EMMA
But isn't that just the normal reaction to an Alcopop?

CHRIS
Good point. Plan B. Operation 'Give up and move to France'! Bonjour!!

I liked it Mr Pie.

Perhaps too many words in the dialogue - could it be punchier? And I think you could end it here:

CHRIS
I was talking about the government.

I think the central premise was flawed.

Working with topical comedy is, I feel, a bit like writing a sonnet; it has quite specific restraints. You can't be as "free-style" as with formless poetry or regular "I-just-thought-of-a-wacky-idea" sketches. The challenge is to present the news story in a different way; put some clever slant on it and pack in the gags.

In one sense working to restraints can actually be quite liberating.

IMO you've got a few stabs at gags in there, but the premise of (basically) two people just talking about the news story is not creative enough. It's related to the "show, not tell" principle, I suppose. You seem to be ramming the story down people's throats somewhat IMO.

If the story's about binge-drinking, I'd want to see (or hear!) antics at a pub; a politician getting pissed while passing the bill; anything that involves action rather than chit-chat. Of course, one can churn out (often bland or jobbing) topical news sketches till the cows come home, but they all involve action and the best take a different, perhaps surprising, slant.

This is my opinion anyway.

Thanks for the comments. The Alcopop joke was quite difficult to word so if that fell flat then definitely a good place to cut Badge.

I know what you mean about getting some action in there. Although I'm a big fan of those sketches on Bremner, Bird and Fortune where they just sit in chairs and talk so I do think there's a place for chit-chat sketches. (I'm not comparing myself to them of course!!) Obviously you wouldn't want a whole show of them as it would get boring but one or two is nice.

Stabs at gags!!!!!? Hehe, I guess they didn't work for you then? I counted 9 stabs, I'm curious to see how many you thought were attempted laughs? Or whether my 'jokes' are really just sentances!!

Next time I get topical I'll try to do something a bit different.

Cheers

Quote: ShoePie @ April 23 2008, 8:17 PM BST

Thanks for the comments. The Alcopop joke was quite difficult to word so if that fell flat then definitely a good place to cut Badge.

I know what you mean about getting some action in there. Although I'm a big fan of those sketches on Bremner, Bird and Fortune where they just sit in chairs and talk so I do think there's a place for chit-chat sketches. (I'm not comparing myself to them of course!!) Obviously you wouldn't want a whole show of them as it would get boring but one or two is nice.

Stabs at gags!!!!!? Hehe, I guess they didn't work for you then? I counted 9 stabs, I'm curious to see how many you thought were attempted laughs? Or whether my 'jokes' are really just sentances!!

Next time I get topical I'll try to do something a bit different.

Cheers

View original

We might have different ideas as to what a gag is. A gag is a joke but a joke is not necessarily a gag. In my thoughts, a gag is not primarily character-led, or observational, it's a formulaic, humorous twist with a loaded "pay-off". I.e. "I was talking about the government", I would consider to be the punchline to a gag, whereas "We're becoming lightweights" I wouldn't.

But I wasn't trying to be mean when I said "stabs at". I suppose I got the impression that there were only a couple of genuine gags (see argument above!)

I think the "talking heads" is fine for established comedians but I would never attempt it trying to break in. It just shows a lack of inspiration and ideas from the first. It's too easy to do. A lot of satire on TV takes the well-worn route in other ways - "Prescott is fat," "Menzies is old" etc. etc. Often the only original thing about a sketch is the "take", the "setting", angle, whatever. but I don't think one can afford to be unoriginal in terms of form when submitting for Tilt etc.

I also think one should still master everything else before doing talking heads. You still need all the tools in the box before you try to deconstruct. But then what do I know, this is only an opinion.