The Last Laugh Page 4

Quote: chipolata @ April 23 2008, 9:55 AM BST

Well done on your success. I'm glad my license fee was used to help you go on a personal journey of growth.

I'm trying to come at this from a viewers point of view in saying that I personally didn't rate what I saw. And I still don't believe that the competition threw up any breathtakingly original or audacious talent. It basically threw up a lot of people who can immitate the style of others and finish not particularly good scripts.

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I don't think the competition was ever meant to source "audacious talent" (!). There is a wealth of reasons why I would challenge your opinions here and I will try to do so with fairness.

Your opinion that the scripts were not "particularly good" is merely that : your opinion. Personally there were some I veered more towards than others. Which is sort of what we all do when writing and watching comedy. THE LAST LAUGH provided a fairly unique and comprehensive array of sitcoms to consider - ones that deliberately tapped into different facets of telly comedy (the woman's story, the black story, the gay story, the elderly story, the surreal story, the man's story etc).

If someone is a freelance comedy writer being able to write in a specific style - be it laid out in a brief or there in exisiting material that needs embellishing / continuing then being able to mirror the style brought to you (in the same way writers were asked to with THE LAST LAUGH) is paramount - and not actually a bad thing. It is a skill - and one in which I personally enjoy trying (for want of a better word) when contributing work to existing series today.

Whilst I don't bracket you in this observation, I did get at the time - and it staggers me that it is still the case three years on - a certain vibe from THE LAST LAUGH forums exhibiting a certain bitterness towards the scheme. It is almost as if some that entered the competition are still narked that they didn't get decent feedback in their rejection letters.

It's a well trodden cliche, but there is validity in the notion that the first lesson we learn is rejection. I would then add that the second is to carry on and not find fault wherever possible with a process and learning curve that was only experienced by those that took part. THE LAST LAUGH was not intended to be a career on a plate. It was as much about gaining industry contacts, friends and awareness as it was exposure. Anyone can win an opportunity. It is what you then make of that chance that something like THE LAST LAUGH was tantamount in enabling some of the writers. I think the best thing about the scheme was that it got over 5000 entries and got vast swathes of untried writers having a go at penning comedy. I think that's more important than some people's opinions on whether or not they liked any of the subsequent material - people who are oddly anatagonistic about something they apparently had no time for.

I think you need to develop a thicker skin. Even if you get to be a hugely succesful writer that pens an absolute classic, you'll still get people criticising you and taking pot shots at you. Let it wash over you.

Quote: chipolata @ April 23 2008, 9:55 AM BST

Well done on your success. I'm glad my license fee was used to help you go on a personal journey of growth.

I'm trying to come at this from a viewers point of view in saying that I personally didn't rate what I saw. And I still don't believe that the competition threw up any breathtakingly original or audacious talent. It basically threw up a lot of people who can immitate the style of others and finish not particularly good scripts.

View original

I don't agree with that. Most of the winners did a relatively poor job of matching up with what went before. And many of them were pretty good. Particularly the Annie's people one.

I read at least fifty scripts from non-winners at the time and precisely three were as good as the scripts that went through. I read six long-listed scripts and it was easy to see why they were selected. The judging was skewed however. The script i finished - Love For Sale - had one location and one long scene. The winning ending added 13 scenes and four locations. Completely failing to keep to the pace and structure that had gone before. It was as if the readers had literally taken Jonathon Harvey at his word about making the ending 'as whacky as possible' in choosing that. Natalie Cassidy told the winning writer that she thought his effort was 'offensive' - and she wasn't kidding either. It wasn't particularly funny, but I suppose it wasn't patchy and this is what let most people down.

I guess my central point is that it was a slightly bizarre and ill thought out competition. It was undoubtedly interesting, but I'm not sure it achieved a whole lot.

It seems that there's a few of us who would fancy having another go at the Last Laugh so how about this for an idea...

How many of us have unfinished (abandoned?) scripts amounting to approximately 20 minutes? I have one for a kick-off which I wouldn't mind donating for a BSG competition. Any others?

Who knows, the winning finished script may even be able to disprove the theory that you cannot polish a turd.

Abandoned scripts by unknown writers may not be premium quality but the scripts from LL were hardly laugh a minute were they. It would be good practice to work to a deadline and if Aaron can blag a DVD prize from somewhere it would be worth the effort.

Thoughts?

Quote: Godot Taxis @ April 23 2008, 11:15 AM BST

I don't agree with that. Most of the winners did a relatively poor job of matching up with what went before. And many of them were pretty good. Particularly the Annie's people one.

I read at least fifty scripts from non-winners at the time and precisely three were as good as the scripts that went through. I read six long-listed scripts and it was easy to see why they were selected. The judging was skewed however. The script i finished - Love For Sale - had one location and one long scene. The winning ending added 13 scenes and four locations. Completely failing to keep to the pace and structure that had gone before. It was as if the readers had literally taken Jonathon Harvey at his word about making the ending 'as whacky as possible' in choosing that. Natalie Cassidy told the winning writer that she thought his effort was 'offensive' - and she wasn't kidding either. It wasn't particularly funny, but I suppose it wasn't patchy and this is what let most people down.

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So are you saying you thought there were long list entries that were better than the winners? I'm confused. Were there any scripts you liked?

Did i tell anyone I had a long-list letter?

A couple of the longlist scripts were better than the winners. I think the prob with the LL was the fact that there were 5000 entries. can anyone imagine how 'fogged' up you'd get reading them?
Perhaps they used a pin in the end.

Quote: chipolata @ April 21 2008, 11:57 AM BST

They fast track your stuff for a while. Then if you don't pan out you're thrown back in with the unwashed masses.

View original

Was that from your experience?

Quote: bushbaby @ April 23 2008, 5:45 PM BST

A couple of the longlist scripts were better than the winners. I think the prob with the LL was the fact that there were 5000 entries. can anyone imagine how 'fogged' up you'd get reading them?
Perhaps they used a pin in the end.

View original

I believe all the scripts were read at least twice so that none slipped the net. And from what I heard at the time, there were very few disagreements on what work should progress or not.

I believe all the scripts were read at least twice so that none slipped the net. And from what I heard at the time, there were very few disagreements on what work should progress or not. ###

That's very interesting to know.
It was as usual, an obvious personal preference as to humour then.
Shoe from the old days wrote a fabulous script, it was hilarious and was longlisted.[Private detective one]
Anyway these are old arguments and I've grown up since then

This was mine....only the names have been changed LOL. Ahh happy memories

.........................................

Tom, Nicky and Jody work in an escort agency for gays. The owner is Jamie/tranny.
Tom has the hots for a local pizza delivery man and so has ordered pizzas for them. Jamie’s daughter Charlie is due to get married and has called to look on the net for head dresses. The Pizza man enters; he is in a wheel chair. What hair he has is long and fuzzy. He has a big nose. Tom comes in behind him, shrugging, spreads his hands. Nicky looks startled.

Nicky
So this is the one then Tom?

Tom
Shut up. It’s not him.

Nicky
You said the only good thing about the pizzas is the delivery man.

Tom
It’s not the one. I’m ruined, devastated, oh why me why me?

Pizza man
Pizzas for six.

Nicky
Six? There’s only five of us.

Tom [sheepishly]
Er,I ordered a spare one and invited the delivery man to join us.

Jody
Wow. You think of everything.

Jamie enters

Jamie
What have we got here then, meals on wheels?

Pizza Man
That’ll be fifteen quid.

Jamie
Fifteen quid Tom. [Tom pays]

Nicky
They need hotting up

Pizza man [looks everybody up and down]
Yeah, I can see that.

[Nicky exits with the boxes.
Charlie at the PC.On the screen is a picture of
a woman wearing a feathered headdress.]

Charlie
Dad , on my wedding night, what do
you think about using a feather?

Jamie [ Puzzled]
Feather?..Hasn't he heard of condoms?

Pizza man
Is she getting married, then?

Jamie
Yeah. That’s my daughter.

Pizza man
I love weddings, tarting up-

Jody
Really.

Pizza man
Oh yes, you know, top hats, tails, dickies.

Jody
You should invite him to the wedding then. Shouldn’t you Tom?

Tom [ through gritted teeth. ]
I’ll be taking Judy Garland for a spin.

Pizza man
You know Judy Garland?

Jody
No, he’s too young. It’s his amazing
double-crotch…..clutch wonder car.

Pizza man [eyes them all up.]
Right…cool

Jody
You didn’t say you were having a
driving lesson. You can’t miss
Charlie’s big day [Tom glares at him]

Jody
You know Tom; you could pass for
an angel if only you had some
warmth in them big hazel eyes.

Tom
They’re green.

Pizza man
Well, I guess I’ll hit the pavement.
Can someone point me to the door?
[ Jamie turns his wheel chair round so he faces the door and then sits
down.]

Jamie
There you go.

[Pizza man gives her a look that says he’s glad to get out of here then
wheels himself to the door. He then wheels backwards to Tom who bends
down to hear what he has to say.]

Pizza man
Checks are out this year.
[Tom sports a checked shirt. The
pizza man exits.]

Tom [to Jody]
Don’t you ever do that to me again.

Jody
Oh get over your cheap self.

Tom
What? Did you just call me cheap?

Jody
Yeah, you cheap slut.

Tom [pleased]
Oh thank you

Jody
You’re welcome.

Charlie [looks at posies]
Dad. Do you think a sprig of holly’d be more imaginative?

Jamie
[Stares at Charlie in wonderment.]
I’ve never heard of that, but go for it girl. It’s a long way off
Christmas though.

Charlie
Right, neat.
[The telephone rings. Jamie answers.]

Jamie
Aid for Christians, Jews and gay lepers.

[We hear the caller Slam the phone down.]

Hey! I hadn’t finished. Tart.

[She replaces the receiver.]

Charlie
There’s another pizza man at the door.
[She presses the button and
lets him in. It’s the one Tom fancies].

Pizza man
Chilli pizzas for six.

Jody
You ordered all chilli?

[Tom gazes throughout at pizza man, not
taking his eyes off him.]

Tom [dreamily]
Yeah.

Jody
You know I only eat chilli every other Wednesday.

Tom
What day is it?

Jody
Tuesday

Tom
Hard luck.

Jody
Bendlet. [Then referring to pizza man].
Don’t lose him in a crowd.

Tom
Do you come here often?
Oh, no…..er……I meant…er…we just
had a delivery.

Jamie
He must have got the wrong address.

Pizza man [looks at his delivery note]
Nope. It says…

Jamie
The other one who was here I meant.

Pizza man
Fuzzy hair? Big nose? Wheelchair?

Jamie
Yeah, that’s right. Know him?

Pizza man
No, just guessing.

Tom
Oh, right. Well, off with the pants……packs.
[He takes the boxes
and hands them to Jody he goes to kitchen. Nicky enters.]

Nicky
Jack? Jack Hall? How’re you doing?

Pizza man (Jack)
Nicky. Nice to see you. It must be months…..

Tom
What’s happening here?

Jamie
Yeah, what’s happening? [Jody enters.]

Nicky
This is Jack, an ex-lover.

Tom
Ex-lover!

Nicky
Most of my friends are ex-lovers.
What’s your problem?

Tom
Nothing, just introduce me I’m Tom
look forget about the pizza how
about I take you to dinner tonight?
[ Nicky hands a ten pound note to Jody, he pockets it. Jody shrugs]

Jody
I told you.

Jamie
Don’t forget my ten percent.

Tom [Gazing at Jack]
I think I’m engaged to be married.

Nicky [To Jack]
A simple I do’ll be sufficient.

Jack [ Dumbfounded]
I’m already spoken for.

Tom [Gritted teeth]
Does anybody want to buy a spare pizza?

Jack
Well, I’ll hit the road. Can’t stay,
I’ve got to get through a load of
delivery staff…..deliveries.Bye
[He goes to the door then comes
back, to Tom]
Checks are out this year.
[He exits]

Nicky
Apart from changing the shirt,
what’re you going to do now then?

Tom
Have a nervous breakdown, crawl away and just die.

Charlie
Got it! Fruit.

Jamie
Whatever turns you on.

Charlie
What are you having dad?

Jamie
About a crate of Martini and a few Bloody Marys

Charlie
Cool [Jody puts his arm round Tom]

Jody
Look, there’s good therapy available these days.

Tom
Don’t touch me, or I’ll have you for
sexual harassment in the work place.

All
Oooooh!

Jamie [To Tom]
Try and cheer up.

Nicky
Don’t mention the word up.

Tom [Drives his car on settee].
Could you just take me seriously please?

Jody
Yeah, you’d make a good Miss Lancashire.

Jamie
Boys behave.
[The phone rings, Jamie answers but
doesn’t wait for the caller to speak.]

No, we don’t have any Chinese speaking
escorts and we don’t need any more
pizzas, double glazing or plastic drain friggin’
pipes and my hamster’s teeth don’t
need bleaching. [She slams phone down].
One of these days we’ll get a phone call.
I need a drink. [She pours and gulps it down.]
Are them friggin’ pizzas ready yet?

Jody, Nicky, Tom
I’ll get ‘em. [They all move together and bang into the door.]

Tom
I’ve bruised mi right arm now.
How am I going to-
[ he does a wanking Movement]

Jamie
Boys! Pizzas!

Charlie
Dad. Do you really think mum’ll
come to mi wedding?

Jamie
I’ll ring her but she was three hours late for ours.

Charlie
Why?

Jamie
In maternity having you. Then she
complained that her wedding dress
was too big……so I wore it….no,
we waited another hour while she
went down to Narks and Benders for
that yellow puff thing. I’ve seen a
gorgeous frock to wear for your big
day though. When I walk down that
aisle every head in that buildin’ll turn.

Charlie
You’re not supposed to out do the bride.

Jamie
Sweety, I out do everybody.

Charlie
For one day, could you not just wear, trousers?

Jamie
Aaaaaargh! No way. They don’t suit
me and they make my bum
look colossal……still….it’s not a bad idea,
Fredrika’ll be there. I’ll think
about it. I could have pink satin or
brocade…..mm…mm they’ll make
my legs look long and they’ll go with
my pink satin knee boots too. I’ll
need something I’ll feel comfortable in.

[Nicky, Jody,enter.]

Nicky
Try San Francisco.

Jamie
Nicky-

Charlie
There’s a Kissogram at the door.
[Jamie looks at the screen.]

Jamie
That’s no Kissogram, that’s a cop.
Let him in. [Charlie presses button.]

Cop
Evening all.

Jamie
Evening officer. What brings you here?

Cop
I’m looking for a dangerous criminal.

Jamie
Well, you won’t find one here sir
but you can go for the bondage if
that’s your pleasure, you know, whips, handcuffs.

Cop [looks puzzled].
I’ve got my own handcuffs.

Jamie
Oh, well in that case I can
offer you a ten percent discount.

Cop
I’m doing house to house enquiries.
There’s a dangerous criminal on the
loose.

Jamie
What does he look like?

Nicky, Jody [together],
Will I fancy him?

Cop
Who knows? He poses as a
pizza man in a wheelchair.

Jamie
Wheelchair?

Cop
Yeah, it’s a cover.

Jamie
What’s his line?

Cop
Tea leafing.When things get too hot
he hides his booty in pizza boxes
and delivers ‘em to the nearest address.

Jamie
Wheelchairs? Pizzas? Whatever next?

Cop
Seen him?

Jamie
Sure, he was here earlier.

Tom [ Enters with pizza boxes.]
Sorry Jamie, I burnt the grub.

Jamie
You put the boxes in the oven?

Tom
Well, hello officer.

Cop
Why did you look at me like that?

Tom
Like what?

Cop
You just stared at me.

Tom
I didn’t.

Cop
You did. You went like this [stares wide eyed.]

Tom
I just burnt the dinner, lost a lover,
I’m having a nervous breakdown
and now you accuse me of going like this
[ he widens his eyes]
let me just say something.
These big green eyes are naturally wide.
Well, my mum ses….

Cop
I’m giving you a caution.

Tom
Awwww,I get a caution because
of my big green eyes?

Cop
No, because of your big loud mouth
and the eyes look hazel to me. Now
let’s see what’s in these pizza boxes.
[ He opens the boxes and takes
out scorched items.]
One pair of rubber gloves…….why would
anybody in their right mind, want
to steal a pair of rubber gloves.

Tom
You’re so dumb.

Cop
You just said that without a safety net.
Now, I’ve warned you. Shut up.
[He continues with contents.]
One foldable crowbar,ah,ha.One burnt out screwdriver,
cordless, well it is now. One smoke damaged
sparkling ring and matching bracelet.
Well, I guess there’s nothing to
cry over here. Dispose of these will you?
I’ll only have to write a long
report otherwise.If you see anything else
suspicious, burnt pizza boxes
wheelchair abusers just call me.
The number’s 999.
[He exits then returns to Tom]
Nobody’s wearing checks this year.
Oh and just put yourself out
there. They say there’s somebody for
everybody, even with hazel eyes and
big mouths
[He goes to the door then turns]
……Nice ass.

Tom
Bitch!

Jamie
Charlie give these sparklers a rinse love.
They look like the real thing to
me.It’ll be extra bling for your big day. Caching!

Charlie
Diamonds won’t go with fruit.

Jamie
Look love. Will you tell that bleedin’
groom of yours to be just like
everybody else and use a run-of-the-mill condom?

Charlie
[She takes the diamonds and as she passes the CCTV screen]..

That cop’s here again.

[ She presses to let him in.
He enters handcuffed to the
man but the wheelchair is not in sight]

Cop
Evenin’.Is this the wheelchair abuser you saw earlier?

Jamie
No, that’s not him.

Jody, Tom, Nicky [together]
No, he’s not the one.
[Cop puts a false nose on the criminal.]

All
Yeah, that’s him.

Cop
[To the criminal].
Right, I’m charging you with theft, impersonation
of a pizza delivery man, using an
alias and posing as a paraplegic…..

Tom
Ha, that’ll teach him.

Cop
And I’m charging you with the
charge of intercepting a police officer
when he’s charging a criminal.
You’re both under arrest.

Tom
Under what?

Jody
Don’t mention the word under.

Cop
You’re doing it again.

Tom
What?

Cop
Staring at me, like this
[He widens his eyes.]

Tom
I’m not, I’m not it wasn’t me.

Cop
Shut up. [Then to Jamie] I’ve run out of
handcuffs, lend me some will
you. [Jamie hands him a pair of pink
ones with feather trim.
Cop stares at them, shrugs and puts them on Tom.
Who he attaches to the crook.]

Tom
[As cop is handcuffing him.]
Look, just love me, you’ll feel better.

Cop
Oh, I’ve got somebody really nice lined up for you.

Tom
Really.

Cop
Yeah, he wears a wig and a robe.

Tom
Kinky. What age?

Cop
About twenty years if you don’t co operate.

Tom
Oh, that’s kind of you. [ Tom answers his mobile.]
Can’t stay on she’s
being shackled dear, shackled.
[Puts mobile away.]

Cop
Are you ready?

Tom
Ooh, that’s a loaded question.

Cop
Shut up! [He drags the two of them]

Nicky
Have a nice trial.

Jody
You’ll charm the pants off ‘em.

Cop
Shut up
[They exit]
[Later that evening Tom returns.]

Jamie
Where’ve you been?

Tom [Looks around him.]
The Gay Bar. Where do you think I’ve been?
Here [ He hands her half the pink handcuffs].

Jamie
Who got to wear the other one?

Tom
The cop. He’s going down a bomb at the station.

Jody
How did it go?

Tom
He strip searched me.

Jamie
How much?

Tom
Fifty quid for the Police Ball Fund.

Jamie
You paid him? I’ll never be in profit.

Tom
It was part of the deal.

Jamie
What deal?

Tom
He let me go on condition that I
don’t ever again in all his life, stare at
him like this. [widens eyes.]
Not even on Halloween.
[The phone rings]
Get that Jamie, it’ll be the press wanting a few
mugshots.

[Jamie answers.]

Nicky
You are so self absorbed.

Tom
Just trying to improve my image.
I might make the front page.

[Jamie comes off the phone.]

Jamie
We’re on our way boys, we’re on our way.
That was the Gays’ Right To Breathe
Film Company. You’re all
doing a porn film next week.

Nicky
I’m an escort. I’m doing no porn films.

Jamie
The fees two grand each.

Nicky
Unless the fee’s at least two grand.

Jamie
Jody, you’ll be fluffin’ up the chocolate moose.

Jody
I’m not a fluffer!

Jamie
I knew you when you were nothing.
You’ve got to start somewhere.
When I was your age I was fluffin’ up
enough chocolate moose to turn
the world’s whole population on.
No, I didn’t get where I am today
without all that friggin’ fluffin’.

Nicky
I don’t like chocolate moose.
I have to watch the waistline.

Jamie
It’ll all be shot below the waistline,
trust me and for two grand I
wouldn’t give a toss if I had to lick
off Dingo shite. I’ll be able
to give Charlie and that Dick
whatever he’s called, a good send off
now. If she wants, she can have
a big Rhodo friggin’ Dendron bush.

Tom
And I’ll be able to afford driving lessons.

Jamie
Now boys let’s turn in. We could all
do with some serious beauty
sleep. Slam the doors as you go out,
it’ll waken that cow next door.

Nicky, Jody, Tom
Ok. Night, night.
[They exit]

Jamie
Night. Pleasant dreams. Don’t let the bugs bite.
I’ll just have another bottle or two before I hit the deck.

Nicky OOV
Jamie!

Jamie
What!!

Nicky OOV
It’s that anti-gay cow from next door again,
guess what she’s put through
the letter box this time.

Jamie
Go on.

Nicky
A load of dog turds.

Jamie [To herself]
That cow’s a pig.

THE END

We can argue about the merit or otherwise of the scripts but I got the distinct impression that the writers didn't want to waste their best work on the competition. The other issue is that it was an entertainment reality show first and foremost and it got confused with the BBC Talent competitions.

But as was said, the positive thing about it was that it got people writing and it was fun to do - if you can avoid being bitter about the general shoddiness and not winning.

I actually chose to do the script I hated the most, Jonathan Harvey's Love for Sale, as that would be the greater challenge as it was nothing like my normal style.

One annoyance in the first bit was Bo giving the full details of what's on offer to a hate caller and the caller patiently listening to it before insulting her. It wasn't for the caller's benefit, it was information for the audience. But that gave me the idea for my story, how can I make that make sense? I also wanted to address Harvey thinking women being beaten up is funny.

If you are interested here it is

I enjoyed that Robin, it's good

Quote: bushbaby @ April 26 2008, 1:50 PM BST

I enjoyed that Robin, it's good

View original

Thanks BB

You can read mine if you like Robin a couple of posts up