First two sitcom scenes.
I'm afraid I thought this was drivel. Now, I'm only being harsh so that others will try and pick you up again, see.
The majority of the intended laughter seems to be from taking the piss out of a blind guy, which is fairly crudely done and so doesn't conceal how tasteless it is.
Telegraphed exposition like "You know if I didn’t know you any better I could almost believe that we weren‘t really friends at all" has all the subtlety and art of a ripe stool.
And poorly done Carry-On humour like: "Well I’ve never seen it myself, but judging by that bulge in his trousers, its about twice the size of a normal…"
Tired, tired jokes like: "Wrong actually, ( BEAT ) and anyway that was last year." I also find a curious over-reliance on "beats" on the board recently, presumably intended to tell the reader that what they're about to read is supposed to be a joke. I'd use them sometimes but not often.
Truly awful. Spelling mistakes in there too (e.g. "screetching").
Anyway, maybe someone else will like it but I'd say back to the drawing-board - I'm sure you could write something of worth if you tried to avoid all the cliché and crap.
Quote: James Williams @ April 20 2008, 1:34 PM BSTNow, I'm only being harsh so that others will try and pick you up again, see.
Or, maybe, to find a thread for a spat?
I thought it needed an early wolverine entrance to possibly raise it from the ordinary.
James you are being overly harsh I think. Nothing wrong with Carry on type humour, not that I think this is. I liked the "What?" response to the "hightened senses" line, which is nice as its a different take on possibly the oldest gag in the world. Might be funnier if the blind guy was a butcher though and kept of threatening to cut them a piece of meat with a giant chopper.
Can't help thinking that Carols responses to Rebecca are just too nasty. If you consider somebody stupid you'd put them down in a clever way rather than just be outwardly rude.
Quote: JohnnyD @ April 20 2008, 1:56 PM BSTOr, maybe, to find a thread for a spat?
I thought it needed an early wolverine entrance to possibly raise it from the ordinary.
Eh? No. It's called having an opinion.
And I think you're wrong about the wolverine. Seems like something shoe-horned in to make it "wacky" to me.
Yes it does sound contrived and I don't believe the blind man would go into the wrong shop. If you don't know any blind people Steve, it's not a good idea to write a blind character in. Also they can immediately recognise a voice they're familiar with as Carol says he should be. The whole concept of the sitcom to me is a no no, but that's only my personal opinion
Quote: James Williams @ April 20 2008, 2:06 PM BSTAnd I think you're wrong about the wolverine. Seems like something shoe-horned in to make it "wacky" to me.
Shoe-horned, or not, gratuitous wackiness, or not, given the title of the piece, I think the wolf needs an early presence. Of course, I may be wrong about you getting into a spat.
Quote: James Williams @ April 20 2008, 2:06 PM BSTEh? No. It's called having an opinion.
Yes, but there are more polite ways to put across the same information. What you said may be basically true, but the way you put it across just sounded nasty.
Quote: Matthew Stott @ April 20 2008, 2:30 PM BSTYes, but there are more polite ways to put across the same information. What you said may be basically true, but the way you put it across just sounded nasty.
I guess I don't really care. Does that make me a sociopath? I'm sure he's a big boy. My feedback has still been the most constructive. I find all the "I like" "I don't like" and "LOL" type reponses on here far more damaging.
I'm reviewing the piece, not the man. I also said I'm sure he could come up with something better if he put his mind to it. He's not going to get the chance to put his mind to it if people keep being mealy-mouthed about material like the above.
If he's only 16 or something then I regret being forceful. I suppose that's possible.
Quote: James Williams @ April 20 2008, 2:47 PM BSTI guess I don't really care. Does that make me a sociopath? I'm sure he's a big boy. My feedback has still been the most constructive. I find all the "I like" "I don't like" and "LOL" type reponses on here far more damaging.
I'm reviewing the piece, not the man. I also said I'm sure he could come up with something better if he put his mind to it. He's not going to get the chance to put his mind to it if people keep being mealy-mouthed about material like the above.
If he's only 16 or something then I regret being forceful. I suppose that's possible.
Agreed, but I just think saying, 'I didnt like it, heres why-' is just as clear and to the point as 'This is drivel' and doesnt put people backs up and lead to another one of those dull, pathetic on-line arguments.
Quote: Matthew Stott @ April 20 2008, 2:54 PM BSTAgreed, but I just think saying, 'I didnt like it, heres why-' is just as clear and to the point as 'This is drivel' and doesnt put people backs up and lead to another one of those dull, pathetic on-line arguments.
Yeah, OK.
Maybe I'm just in a strop and picking an easy target. Apologies.
I so want to write like a c**t though, can I have some sort of season pass that means I can get away with it? I forget that it's more likely to offend people than make them laugh.
You can call me a c**t if you like. i am a c**t.
I'm sorry James but I don't really see how your comments are in any way constructive. You've said drivel, crude, tasteless, ripe stool, carry on, tired and with bad spelling. No suggestions or constructive helpful comments I can see what so ever.
Quote: Rob B @ April 20 2008, 3:03 PM BSTI'm sorry James but I don't really see how your comments are in any way constructive. You've said drivel, crude, tasteless, ripe stool, carry on, tired and with bad spelling. No suggestions or constructive helpful comments I can see what so ever.
To be fair, there's an implicit constructive suggestion for half the above.
Be less crude.
Be more tasteful.
Check your spellings.
(I only noticed a couple of spelling lapses, but there was a significant lack of commas.)
This is not very funny, two pages of he's blind, and he comically can't run a news agent, is not going to tickle many funny bones. The woman of the year contest, just felt like banter with out much life to it.
I'm afraid if you're writing sitcom, and you're going for such pallid, gag based humour, you are not going to get very far. You need characters, situation, relationships, and conflict.
This doesn't have them.
I'd seriously consider starting over.