Hi guys
Recently sent off a script to the BBC and other prod comp's. It is set in a South London crematorium.
Here is the opening 4 scenes:
Scene 1
(Vince is in his office; knock on the door, Stan walks in)
Vince
Hello Stan
Stan
(speaking very loudly)
I’ve just had a half hr conversation with this Thai bloke, trying to explain about the
ornamental plaque with the rose border.
Vince
Did ya, did he buy it?
Stan
Ay!
Vince
Did he buy it!
Stan
He couldn’t understand me.
He came with his mate yesterday who spoke better English. I had to get Shirley to
help in the end, she got him pointing to the pictures.
Vince
Well did he buy it Stan!
Stan
No, he chose the standard plaque without the rose border.
I’m really parched now after talking to him, I’m going to have a cup of tea, do you
want one Vince!
Vince
I’m alright mate I just had one!
(Stan exits)
Scene 2
( In reception, Vince enters)
Shirl
You alright Vince, you got a face like a smacked arse!
Vince
Yeh I’m alright, just this place! You know the Council are going to cut our funding?
Shirl
That’s alright Vince, there’re always dropping dead round ere, if it aint some bloke
getting murdered then it’s some old Granny dropping down cos she can’t afford to put
her heating on! We’ll be alright!
Vince
Yeh but it’s all rushed through now like a bloody conveyor belt, we don’t give em
some much time now like we used to!
Shirl
Well it’s a business Vince, it’s all about making money now, you should know that!
Vince
I was even a bit pissed off with Stan this morning cos he ended up selling a Standard
Plaque when I thought he was going to tell me he’d sold a Ornamental Plaque!
Shirl
Yeh that was the Thai bloke, they were talking for about an hour, and all I could hear
was Stan saying, “Ay! What did you say!” and the Thai bloke saying, “I’m sorry me
not understand! “
Vince
Yeh he told me all about it, he’s going to have to sort that hearing aid
out! He can’t hear a thing!
Shirl
I don’t know why you keep him on Vince! He’s as much use as a condom with a hole
in it!
Vince
He loves coming here, he’d wouldn’t know what to do with himself otherwise
Shirley
You’re too soft Vince! He’s a waste of space, it takes him half an hour just to make a
cup of tea once he’s ask everybody about 3 times!
Vince
Well I’m not being funny Shirl but the day this place becomes like a bloody estate
agents with a load of pin striped wankers walking around the place, will be the day I
leave!
( Vince is dressed in a pinstripe suit)
Shirl
( looks at Vince’s suit)
Don’t get so uptight Vince, it’s only a bloody Job
Vince
I don’t know, might be time I moved on, pastures new and that
Shirl
Hey come on Vince, you can’t leave ere, your part of the
furniture, besides, where would you get another job!
Vince
Thanks Shirl! I feel much better now after talking to you! don’t ever take up counselling!
Anyway, I better crack on, we got a service at 12
( Vince exits )
Shirl
Yeh see ya Vince
(Malcolm enters, in typical pall-bearer attire)
Malcolm
Good morning Shirley
( Malcolm goes to water cooler and gets a cup of water)
Shirley
Morning Malcolm
Malcolm
How are you?
Shirley
I’m fine, you?
Malcolm
Yeh not too bad thanks
( takes sip of water)
You know as we speak Shirley, for every minute, there are 300 people dying in the
World
Shirley
Well thanks for telling me that Malcolm.
Well it keeps us in work!
Malcolm
Did you know Shirley that our planet can’t actually sustain the amount of people that
are actually dying, by that, I mean that for every person that gets buried it uses 0.005
hectares of land which times by 300 per minute per every day of the year is an awful
lot of land.
Shirley
Yeh but not every person is buried though!
Malcolm
I’m glad you said that, because for every person that is cremated 0.25 pounds
of dangerous carbon emissions is released into the atmosphere
Shirley
Bloody hell Malcolm! You should be on Fifteen To One!
So what’s the answer then to all this?
Malcolm
Well the scientists who wrote this article put forward
the view that we should bury more of our bodies at sea, that way it is better for the
ecosystem and actually sustains life of all living organisms, especially as there is a
shortage of food now in our oceans.
Shirley
Sounds just like bloody recycling to me!
Malcolm
That’s exactly what it is!
(Vince enters)
Vince
Blimey aint you two got any work to do, you both could talk for England!
Malcolm
Hello Vince
Vince
Alright Malcolm.
No sign of the organist yet then Shirl?
Shirl
No
Vince
He’s cutting it a bit fine, give him a call Shirl.
Where’s Stan?
Shirley
Gone for his tea break
Vince
Get him to do a bit of filing Shirl, noticed that out-tray is starting to get a bit full
Shirl
Yeh ok
( Vince exits )
Scene 3
( Vince is working at his desk, Stan enters)
Stan
I’ve caught him at it again knocking one out!
Vince
Alright keep ya voice down, there might be members of the public in reception!
Stan
You’re going to have to do something about it Vince, that’s the last thing I want to look at when I go in there for a cup of tea and a roll up!
Vince
Hang on a minute!
(Vince sticks head out of door)
Shirley!
(Shirley comes in)
Shut the door Shirl!
Shirl
No answer from the organist!
Vince
Your joking!
( Pause, Vince holds his head)
Anyway first things first, Rich has been at it again!
Shirl
What?
Vince
Playing with himself in the portakabin!
Shirl
He hasn’t has he!
You want to get rid of him Vince!
Vince
We just can’t sack him!
Shirl
Why not?
Vince
Because he’s got rights ( pause) You can’t sack people now with a disability it’s against the law.
Shirl
That’s bollocks! What about the rights of people to be able to have their tea break
without walking in on someone with their todger in their hand!
Stan
What did you say Shirl! I missed that!
Shirl
Like a lot of things!
What I said was if someone was getting their todger out at work then they should be sacked whether their backward or not!
Stan
I agree, it’s not as if he does much round the place!
Vince
For Christ sake! hear you two! Rich has got a learning disability! He’s not backward
we just got to give him a bit of leeway and when’s he’s not playing with himself he
actually works very hard, just as hard, if not more, than most people!
( Pause)
I will have a word with him.
Shirley
Your always speaking to him Vince it’s a waste of time!
Vince
Ill sort it out, I’ll have a little think what I can do!
Shirley
Oh well I’ll go and try the organist again.
Vince
Ok.
Stan
What did you say then Vince!
Vince
I said I would sort it out!
Stan
Ay!
Vince
I said I would sort it out Stan!
You better get back Shirl’s got some filing for you to do?
Stan
Ok then Vince, so you will sort it out!
I better get back to work, see if anything needs doing!
Vince
See ya Stan!
( Vince sits there and holds his head and stares at wall, pause, then gets on phone)
Pete, it’s Vince, do us a favour, tell Rich to pop over will ya, it’s nothing to worry
about, just want a quick word with him
( Puts down phone and does some work)
( Knock at door)
Vince
Come in!
Hello Rich
Rich
I aint in trouble am I?
Vince
Nah, you’re not in trouble Rich. How’s it going?
Rich
ok
Vince
You still getting those pains in your arms?
Rich
Yeh
Vince
I’ll order you some more gloves
Rich
Thanks Vince
Vince
Anyway, I believe you was doing something you shouldn’t be doing this morning?
Rich
What was that Vince?
Vince
You remember after your tea break when Stan came in on you?
Rich
No
Vince
What was you looking at in the Sun?
Rich
I can’t remember
Vince
Rich, I’m not going to beat about the bush, you had your dick out again, didn’t you?
Rich
Sorry Vince
Vince
It’s Stan you should be saying sorry to, he nearly had the fright of his life!
Rich, listen, you’re going to have to stop it mate, occasionally that woman from
Personnel comes snooping around here, if she were to catch you, you’d be in big
trouble, you might even lose your job!
Rich
I can’t help it Vince.
Vince
Stop looking at the Sun! I’ll tell you what I’ll do, if you stop doing what you’re doing,
then I’ll buy ya something you can listen to ya CD’s on when your having your tea
break..
Rich
Will ya!!
Vince
Yeh
Rich
When will you buy it?
Vince
You got to prove to me that you have stopped, I’ll see after a month.
Rich
A month?
Vince
One month
Rich
That’s a long time, what about if I get a stiffy in that time?
Vince
Go and lock yourself in the toilet, but make sure Stan’s not next to ya!
Rich
Alright Vince, sorry, I’ll try and not do it again.
Vince
Go on then, I’ve got work to do.
Rich
See ya Vince
Vince
Bye Rich
