Another Leevil sitcom Page 2

Very good.

Possibly a few too many cutaways for my taste, especially when some of them don't really add to the joke.

Also I thought "MARK: Did you have any idea this was going to happen? LEE: Well you normally make the tea, so it's not a surprise. MARK: I meant with her leaving you." and "MARK: What are you going to do now? LEE: Leave the tea bag in longer? MARK: I meant with the Alice situation." are too similar to each other in such a short excerpt.

But those are the only criticisms. Fine work.

Quote: Antrax @ April 18 2008, 1:03 AM BST

Also I thought "MARK: Did you have any idea this was going to happen? LEE: Well you normally make the tea, so it's not a surprise. MARK: I meant with her leaving you." and "MARK: What are you going to do now? LEE: Leave the tea bag in longer? MARK: I meant with the Alice situation." are too similar to each other in such a short excerpt.

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Yeah, I'd agree with that. Either lose one or add another with a surprising twist later on. But worth separating them a bit anyway.

But I know this is something you just "knocked up" so it's very first draft-ish. Hopefully you will finish this episode, as some of us would like to see it in complete form!

Gosh, looks like I won't be popular, but I didn't really like it.

Two underdeveloped characters, having 7 pages of banter, which doesn't go anywhere, and only relates to one incident.

Some good lines about the rabbit, and tea, but stuck in as bit of a vacumm. And 7 pages for one scene is very long.

Plot, quick scene changes, and strong character interaction are what holds one interest in sitcoms.

I find it surprising how very few really killer lines there are many, and how much comes from character in situation in conflict.

Wow, thanks for checking it out everyone. I was blown away by the feedback. I appreciate the honesty and I don't mind suggestions David, it's nice to have a different perspective on things.

I really did just write this for a few hours in the middle of the night, without much thought, just wanted to write some gags. I'll redo the description when I get to the end, I need to finish it, this is my goal. Plus it's good to leave things loose as I like to go back sometimes and alter bits to set-up a future joke.

Thanks sootyj, can't please em all, but I will have a bloody good try.
I do have the basic idea of where I want this to go and I think, I hope the end result could also fill your needs sootyj.

Definitely encourages me to power through to the end with this.

Thanks again, all.

Well let the guy at the GUM, I can only say what I see. You're a good writer, and there's some good ideas.

I enjoyed this. It reminded me, in a good way, of Not Going Out.

Blimey, a Bandage post without artiface, irony or sarcasm. Somebody frame it.

One thing I would say is that the 'ketchup' joke would be a lot more effective without the flashback to it actually happening. For some reason I enjoyed the joke just hearing that a random accident involving ketchup has happened. That was v.good.

Don't like the joke involving the word 'teat' referring to milk. Makes him sound a bit sinister rather than a jokey looser character!

hope this helps

Very much Oliver, thanks.

And always appreciated Bandage.

Quote: Leevil @ April 18 2008, 12:29 PM BST

Very much Oliver, thanks.

And always appreciated Bandage.

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My pleasure. Any word on the job?

Unfortunately it was already taken, but they were very enthusiastic for any future opportunity for me, which was good.

Quote: Leevil @ April 18 2008, 12:35 PM BST

Unfortunately it was already taken, but they were very enthusiastic for any future opportunity for me, which was good.

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Ah, that's good. In my experience, that sort of enthusiasm is usually genuine.

Let's hope. Now where's my Subways job application form? They can pay me in sandwiches, I would be happy.

I agree with Sooty. Certainly it didn't make me laugh so in that sense for me it failed. In a way I thought it was built on weak foundations in that I don't think it's sufficient to say "the characters are exactly the same but what the heck."

I quite liked the "we've got a rabbit" bit.

I think once a structure is in place (plot, characters etc.) you may have something to work with. However, I suppose NGO started with loads of gags and worked backwards (not entirely succesfully though).

It smacked of a talented writer with five minutes to half an hour on his hands tossing something off without being really being bothered to plan it or finish it, which I guess is what it was. I think this approach might work for sketch writing, but some degree of discipline is required for longer pieces.

I would also strongly advise against seeking feedback when you've only written one scene of a sitcom. And I think any writer worth their salt will tell you the same.

Have to say Im pleasently surprised, I dont read a lot of the stuff on here because, for one thing, theres too much too read, and, most importantly, most of it just isnt very good-but that was great. Fast and funny, if you can keep up that sort of pace and quality you could be on to a winner. Of course you have to finish a full episode first. And write five more. But a decent start.

Quote: James Williams @ April 19 2008, 1:31 PM BST

I agree with Sooty. Certainly it didn't make me laugh so in that sense for me it failed. In a way I thought it was built on weak foundations in that I don't think it's sufficient to say "the characters are exactly the same but what the heck."

I quite liked the "we've got a rabbit" bit.

I think once a structure is in place (plot, characters etc.) you may have something to work with. However, I suppose NGO started with loads of gags and worked backwards (not entirely succesfully though).

It smacked of a talented writer with five minutes to half an hour on his hands tossing something off without being really being bothered to plan it or finish it, which I guess is what it was. I think this approach might work for sketch writing, but some degree of discipline is required for longer pieces.

I would also strongly advise against seeking feedback when you've only written one scene of a sitcom. And I think any writer worth their salt will tell you the same.

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I appreciate that James. I disagree with the seeking feedback point though, I'd rather find out I was going down the wrong path when at the crossroads (or T-junction) then after a month of sweating over something that turns out has no spark to it.

I agree, I'm missing out heavily on character and plot development. But I'm not comfortable with using them myself or at least I'm not very good at writing them up myself.

I had fun writing this and fun receiving the feedback, that's my only intention at this time. If that puts people off and they feel they'd rather not spend their time reading something that has no intention of going anyway, that's fair enough, that's all I deserve and anything more, I appreciate greatly.

I hope people had fun reading this, that's a bonus. It's just a fun piece. I imagined filming it myself, hence the poor action description and sloppy formating and character development, it was intended mainly for me.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and leave feedback.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ April 19 2008, 1:53 PM BST

Have to say Im pleasently surprised, I dont read a lot of the stuff on here because, for one thing, theres too much too read, and, most importantly, most of it just isnt very good-but that was great. Fast and funny, if you can keep up that sort of pace and quality you could be on to a winner. Of course you have to finish a full episode first. And write five more. But a decent start.

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Thanks Matthew, glad you liked it.