Affordable Monthly Payments.

This sketch is a pardoy of those debt consolidation adverts which try to persuade you that the answer to having too many loans, is to get another loan.

Affordable Monthly Payments.

VOICE-OVER:

(CHEERFULLY.) Blown your mortgage on poker or crack? Got enough credit cards to tile a small bathroom? Whatever your circumstances self employed, psychotic, dead, we could help. Need money for home improvements, a new car, or just to get your next fix? Got so many loans your bills arrive in a skip? Don’t worry, because we here at Credit Cannon have the answer, and more!
With us you can consolidate all your small debts into one enormous debt tumor, with a tentacle. Now that might sound like it makes no financial sense, but then what do you know about finances? You’re in debt. You might think the last thing you need is another giant loan, but this isn’t a loan it’s a once in a life time opportunity! Because we’re not like the others, we’re different. We're not going to wrangle you like a helpless debt puppet. That’s a promise, not a legally binding promise. But a promise none the less. Still need convincing? Well, just listen to what our customers have been saying.

OLD WOMAN:

Even though I’m retired it was no problem arranging a
loan with Credit Cannon. In fact they were very eager. I knew
when they started cackling like vultures that everything would
be OK.

GAMBLER:

After some bad luck on the roulette tables I needed more cash to
spend on dice and pills. The people at Credit Cannon were
very helpful. They understood my needs, and even allowed me
to use my children as collateral. To be disposed of in a furnace
in the case of non-payment. Now that’s what I call service!

WOMAN:

We needed money to start up our own business. Credit Cannon
were more than willing to bankroll our Nigerian sweatshop.
Now our orphans make trainers for Nike. It’s a dream come
true!

VOICE-OVER:

Think of all your little debts as leaches, do you want to be covered in leaches? I didn’t think so. Or you could think of it in terms of diseases, by getting a loan with us you’re trading cancer for flu, so everyone’s a winner. Unlike other loan providers our repayment scheme is pyramid shaped; statistically the most honest shape. Our affordable monthly repayments are convenient and inexpensive, we accept all major credit cards and even major internal organs, got a kidney you don't need? Then use it to pay off up to 3% of your interest!
If you don't have a credit card, don't worry. You can apply for one on our free phone number. A credit card is a happy plastic friend That'll never let you down, ever. Plastic squares don't lie like people, and you can use them to buy cars and other incredibly expensive items, with no consequences!
Credit Cannon is the company you can trust, like you’d trust a priest, except this priest can take your house. But in a nice way. Call now and we’ll give you a choice of several free gifts to welcome you as a customer. Choose between a set of titanium plated steak knives, an illustrated biography of Richard Nixon or one of those weird spinney clocks that old people have. Call Credit Cannon now, and let us give you that vital cash headshot.

[END]

I like the idea, I really do, but your skit is far too wordy me feels. Try and slim it down a bit. Keep all the salient points but remove some of the bulk. You should then find that it flows much easier and its reduced bulk will firm up the laughs.

Def.

I like the idea, but have you seen those loan ads that are blatantly aimed at middle class people? you know, the one where the man casually says 'yeah, 25k should do!', then heads a football by way of convincing us he's down to earth. there's potential to be mined from that for sure.

Good skit, but very over written. The less you explain, often the funnier the skit.

It's got some nice moments but it needs a world of trimming. You've thrown every idea you have in there, now it's time to select the best of them. If you're aping an advert you have to be true to the form and no advert runs for as long as it would take to chew through all that verbage.

Thanks for all the feedback, I’ve tried cutting out some of the more redundant and weaker sentences, and the part about free gifts at the end. However it’s still quite long. I’m thinking of shortening it further by getting rid of one of the testimonials.

Heres the cut down version:

Affordable Monthly Payments.

VOICE-OVER:

(CHEERFULLY.) Blown your mortgage on poker or crack? Got enough credit cards to tile a small bathroom? Whatever your circumstances self employed, psychotic, dead, we could help. Need money for home improvements, a new car, or just to get your next fix? Don’t worry, because with a loan from Credit Cannon you can consolidate all your small debts into one enormous debt tumour, with a tentacle. Now that might sound like it makes no financial sense, but then what do you know about finances? You’re in debt. You might think you don't need another giant loan. But this isn’t a loan, it’s a once in a life time opportunity! Still need convincing? Well just listen to our satisfied customers.

OLD WOMAN:

Even though I’m retired it was no problem arranging a
loan with Credit Cannon. In fact they were very eager. I knew
when they started cackling like vultures that everything would
be OK.

GAMBLER:

After some bad luck on the roulette tables I needed more cash to
spend on dice and pills. The people at Credit Cannon were
very helpful. They understood my needs, and even allowed me
to use my children lives as collateral. Now that’s what I call service!

WOMAN:

We needed money to start up our own business. Credit Cannon
were more than willing to bankroll our Nigerian sweatshop.
Now our orphans make trainers for Nike. It’s a dream come
true!

VOICE-OVER:

Think of all your little debts as leaches, do you want to be covered in leaches? I didn’t think so. Unlike other loan providers our repayments are convenient, and inexpensive. We accept all major credit cards and even major internal organs, got a kidney you don't need? Then use it to pay off up to 3% of your interest!
If you don't have a credit card, don't worry. You can apply for one on our free phone number. A credit card is a happy plastic friend that’ll never let you down, because plastic squares don't lie like people. Credit Cannon is the company you can trust, like you’d trust a priest, except this priest can take your house. Call Credit Cannon now, and let us give you that vital cash headshot.

I think the testimonials aren't too bad, but the voiceover bits are far far too long.

It's still too long. Read it out loud and check the length. I'd give it 45 seconds tops.

It is still too long winstanley. A lot still needs to be trimmed.

For the testimonials, rather than having them all say different things, why not trim it to one simple sentence that they all say - but have visuals of the people speaking to show it's all a load of nonsence and some blatant propagander for the camera set up by the credit company? You could then intersperse these between the credit co's info.

Def.