This is one version of an episode of a sitcom I originally wrote back in 04 (it was in development for a while but got lobbed so I thought I'd share it with you instead via this means) about three football fans who meet up before the match every other week (or however often they are at home). Briefly, Pants is a larger than life, Sunday roast with all the trimmings sort of bloke who lives in a bit of a fantasy world, Squiff is his down at heel sidekick of a friend and Al is almost the opposite of Pants, considering himself to be a sophisticated veggy with a conscience. This episode sees Pants presented with a bit of a dilemma. Surely his lucky monkey will see him through? It's a full 3o minute episode so bear with it if you can.
SCENE 1. INT. DAY
PANTS’ HOUSE
- STUDIO OR LOCATION
IT’S A SATURDAY MORNING. PANTS IS POTTERING ABOUT IN HIS KITCHEN AND TALKING, IT SEEMS, TO HIMSELF.
PANTS:
Right that’s that cleared up. Now, you’ve got plenty of food, and something to drink. If you want to go, use the toilet or go outside OK?
PANTS GLANCES AROUND THE KITCHEN PERPLEXED.
PANTS:
Ziggy? Ziggy where are you? Come on, Daddy’s got to go. Ah! There you are.
A RATHER LARGE BLACK CAT GAZES UP. PANTS BENDS DOWN AND PICKS IT UP.
PANTS:
Poor old girl. I know you’re not well, but try not to crap all over the floor again OK?
HE GIVES THE CAT A KISS THEN PUTS IT DOWN AND RUFFLES IT’S FUR BEFORE GATHERING UP HIS BITS AND PIECES AND HEADING OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.
PANTS:
Bye Ziggy!
CUT TO:
SCENE 2. EXT. DAY
OUTSIDE PANTS’ HOUSE- LOCATION
PANTS UNLOCKS HIS CAR (A DARK BLUE CORSA) WITH THE REMOTE AND OPENS THE DRIVER’S DOOR. AS HE IS ABOUT TO GET IN HE REALISES HE HAS FORGOTTEN SOMETHING.HE CHASTISES HIMSELF AS HE TURNS AND HEADS BACK TO THE HOUSE
PANTS:
Mickey! You’ve forgotten Mickey. Sort it out you dozy sod.
HE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND DISAPPEARS INSIDE. A FEW SECONDS LATER HE RE-EMERGES, CLUTCHING A TOY MONKEY WEARING FOOTBALL COLOURS, SHUTS THE DOOR, GETS INTO HIS CAR AND DRIVES OFF.
CUT TO:
SCENE 3. INT. DAY
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE
-STUDIO
IT'S LUNCHTIME IN ‘THE MANOR’ PUBLIC HOUSE. A LOT OF THE CUSTOMERS ARE WEARING TEAM COLOURS. AS WELL AS THE GENERAL BUZZ OF THE CONVERSATIONS TAKING PLACE, WE FROM TIME TO TIME HEAR A TANNOY SYSTEM ANNOUNCING FOOD ORDERS.
AL IS SITTING READING THE PAPER AS PANTS COMES BURSTING THROUGH THE DOOR.
PANTS:
Sorry I’m late. Had a pile of cat poo to clear up. Fancy a beer?
AL:
No it’s alright, Squiff’s getting them in. I think I’ll cancel my veggie sausages though.
PANTS:
Bah! Don’t be such a jessie. Anyway, to add insult to injury, someone’s pinched my lucky parking space. Oh and I almost forgot to bring Mickey.
PANTS HOLDS UP HIS LUCKY MASCOT
AL:
I was wondering what that was.
PANTS:
He's not a 'what', He's a 'who'. This is Mickey? This season’s lucky mascot. Well, an all round lucky charm actually. Ever since I’ve had him, apart from the parking space debacle, life has taken an upward turn.
AL:
You don’t seriously believe in all that superstition nonsense do you?
PANTS:
Of course! How do you think I got my nickname?
AL:
If I’m being honest, I always assumed it was because you were pretty rubbish at stuff.
PANTS:
Thanks a lot! No, I got the nickname ‘Pants’ because, in season 98-99, I wore the same pair of underpants to every game...and we only lost three times.
AL:
Only three times eh? See? It IS nonsense. The pants made no difference at all.
PANTS:
(offended)
No! Clever clogs. There were good reasons why we lost those games.
AL:
Such as?
PANTS:
Against West Ham, my car broke down and I didn’t arrive until half-time. For Man U, some drunk bloke had nicked my seat so I had to move, and, for Arsenal, I had to dig them out of the wash basket rather than put them on clean.
AL:
Ah! Scuppered by the skids eh? I should have guessed. So let me get this straight. Your underpants are the sole reason why we had such a good season in 98-99?
PANTS IS AGAIN OFFENDED BY THE NOTION THAT IT COULD BE ANY OTHER WAY.
PANTS:
Exactly! And, before you ask, of the other three games we lost that year, two were in the cup and the other one was the last game of the season - so that didn’t count. We were already safe in third spot. The Pants had done their job. A new nickname was born!
AL:
(feigning wonderment)
Really? That’s amazing! So tell me, how did these magic pants fare the following season?
PANTS LOOKS SHEEPISH.
PANTS:
They didn’t.
AL:
Ah! Right. So that proves it then. The pants theory was, well, 'pants' for want of a better word.
PANTS:
Not at all. There were mitigating circumstances.
AL:
Mitigating circumstances?
PANTS:
Yes!
AL:
So what exactly were these mitigating circumstances? Let me guess. You arrived late for every game, thereby declaring the validity of the pants nul and void?
PANTS:
No.
AL:
The drunken bloke you mentioned found your seat so comfortable that he made it his own for the whole of the following season?
PANTS:
No.
AL:
So what then?
PANTS:
My ex gave them away to Africa Aid.
AL:
So how come an African nation hasn’t won the World Cup then? Someone somewhere must be wearing them.
PANTS:
(amazed)
Don’t be ridiculous. The elastic would have perished by now. And anyway, they only work for home games.
AL:
(mockingly)
Oh of course! Silly me. I should have known you need a different superstition for away games.
PANTS:
Well some people do, yes. I mean, I had a bit of a run with a training top I used to wear back in 2001, but it was a false dawn.
AL:
I don’t believe this. And I thought I knew you.
SQUIFF ARRIVES AT THE TABLE WITH THREE PINTS. HE HANDS ONE TO PANTS AND AL.
SQUIFF:
Alright Pants? Here you go.
PANTS:
Oh cheers mate.
AL:
Thanks Squiff. Tell me, are you aware of all this superstition nonsense he’s been telling me about?
SQUIFF:
Superstitions? Yeah, of course. They’re commonplace aren’t they? I mean, I used to have a friend who swore by going to the gym before a game. Then it was having sex before a gam. Then some complicated thing about the number of beers he drank in the pub equating to the number of goals we’d score. I never did quite understand that particular one. Mind you, he gave up on that last theory eventually. I kept telling him we we'd never score six or seven. He set his sights too high and in the end he was always too pissed to enjoy the match.
AL:
Amazing!
PANTS AND SQUIFF START REELING THEM OFF ONE AFTER THE OTHER.
PANTS:
I’ll never buy official merchandise from the club shop when we’re on a good run.
SQUIFF:
I never wash my shirt when we win. Oh and I always have a bet with Janine before I leave the house that we will lose.
AL:
Incredible!
PANTS:
And, in order to make us score, the bloke in front of us always sends one of his kids to the toilet – whether they want to go or not. It’s a shame they have to miss a goal, but it’s for the best.
AL:
And what if we don’t score?
PANTS:
Simple. He swaps the kids seats round the next game. It’s a sort of rotation system.
AL:
(amazed)
I've heard it all now!
PANTS:
Oh come on Al. You mean to say you’ve never been superstitious?
AL:
No, never.
PANTS:
What about walking under a ladder then?
AL:
What about it?
PANTS:
That’s unlucky.
AL:
In so far as you might get something fall on your head and kill you, yes. But it’s like saying what if you try walking along the ledge of a very high building. I wouldn’t do that either, but it doesn’t mean I'm superstitious, just cautious.
PANTS:
Black cat crossing your path?
AL:
Not yet, but I’ll take my chances.
SQUIFF:
Magpies? One for sorrow and all that?
AL:
Oh for God’s sakes. I’m sure I’ve seen both a solitary magpie and a pair of magpies at some stage in my life and I’ve neither felt sorrow nor joy. More sort of “oh there’s a magpie, you don’t see them around as much as you used to.”
PANTS:
Well, each to their own, but there’s something in it, I’m telling you.
SQUIFF:
He’s right Al. Take the neighbour I used to go to the games with years ago. He had to have his sausage roll and Bovril at half-time otherwise, sure as eggs are eggs, we’d lose.
AL:
So what went wrong with that particular theory then?
SQUIFF:
Well, he only went to two or three games a season. He was getting on a bit see? And when the club stopped selling Bovril, that was him - jinxed, finished, up shit creek without a paddle.
AL:
Oh come on! Bovril can’t be held accountable for the success or failure of a football team. Jesus! Is there anyone normal in this pub? I feel like I’ve walked into some strange cult. When’s the trouser leg rolling and secret handshakes start?
PANTS:
Sorry mate, we don’t accept veggies.
AL:
Listen, it's quite simple. The only reason any team wins, loses or draws is down to what goes on ON the pitch. No parking space, underwear, hot drink, seating arrangement, sexual marathon, cuddly toy or fondu set is going to change that. The only outside influences are the ref, the pitch and the weather.
PANTS:
Aaaah, chill out. It’s all harmless fun isn’t it? And who knows if there’s an element of truth in it? It’s nice to have some feeling of control of over our destiny.
AL:
Well I suppose it can’t do any harm.(pause) But I definitely wouldn’t pin too much hope on that Monkey if I was you.
PANTS SNATCHES THE MONKEY UP FROM THE TABLE AND CLUTCHES IT PROTECTIVELY AS IF IT’S A PRICELESS ARTEFACT.
PANTS:
You leave Mickey alone. He’s on a roll. I can feel it in my water.
CUT TO:
SCENE 4. INT.DAY
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE
-STUDIO
CLOSE BY, TWO OLD MEN ARE SITTING AT A TABLE READING AND CHATTING. ONE GLANCES UP FROM HIS PAPER. HE TURNS TO HIS FRIEND.
OLD BOY 1:
Here. Did you know that eagles mate in mid air?
OLD BOY 2:
Bloody show offs.
OLD BOY 1:
And bees don’t have ears.
OLD BOY 2:
How do they hear then?
OLD BOY 1:
Well I don’t suppose they’d hear much what with all that buzzing.
OLD BOY 2:
What if they needed glasses though?
OLD BOY 1:
Why on earth would bees need glasses old boy?
OLD BOY 2:
To stop them bumping into things of course.
OLD BOY 1:
True, true.
CUT TO:
SCENE 5. INT. DAY
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE
-STUDIO
BACK AT THE MAIN TABLE AND PANTS IS ELABORATING ON THE REASON WHY HE WAS LATE.
PANTS:
So I took her down the vets this morning. Old age apparently. Just sleeps and craps. Sleeps and craps.
AL:
That’s a typical Sunday for you isn’t it?
PANTS:
Yeah, very good.
AL:
Anyway, what’s this ‘result’ you had on Thursday.
PANTS:
Ah! Yes. I told you Mickey was on a roll. Only pulled a groupie didn’t I.
AL:
Pants, you’re a singer in a pub band, not a supergroup.
PANTS:
Oi! I play rhythm guitar too, don’t forget the guitar. You’d be amazed what you can pick up when you shove an instrument in your hand.
AL:
Believe me, I have absolutely no desire to know what you and your instrument have picked up, thanks very much.
PANTS:
Bah! OK, so it was a one night stand. It still counts.
AL:
Are you ever going to grow up and settle down?
PANTS:
Er.. Nah, probably not. Once bitten, twice shy and all that.
AL:
Shy? You? Listen, the clock is ticking. You’re not getting any younger you know.
PANTS:
Just me and Ziggy suits me fine thanks. Unconditional love, that’s, what you get from animals.
SQUIFF:
And mange.
PANTS:
Only dogs get mange.
AL:
Or a night out with Pants if they’re lucky.
PANTS:
That’s right, take the piss. I can take it. Look, I admit it - I’m useless at relationships – but, my heart is in the right place, which is all that matters. Blimey!
PANTS CUTS OFF SUDDENLY, A LOOK OF PANIC UPON HIS FACE.GINA, EARLY TWENTIES VERY PRETTY, SLIGHTLY “GOTH”, COMES INTO VIEW. LEATHER CLAD, WITH PANDA EYES AND BRIGHT RED LIPSTICK, MOBILE IN ONE HAND, WAVING WITH THE OTHER. PANTS LOOKS EMBARRASSED AND SPEAKS LIKE A VENTRILOQUIST THROUGH A FALSE SMILE TO AL AND SQUIFF.
PANTS:
Just call me Ewan. I’ll explain later.
AL AND SQUIFF LOOK BEMUSED. GINA ARRIVES AT THE TABLE, SNAPS THE MOBILE SHUT, SLIDES ONTO PANTS LAP AND GIVES HIM A KISS. AL AND SQUIFF WATCH ON, AMAZED.
GINA:
Hey babe. I thought you were in Hamburg this weekend?
PANTS SUDDENLY CHANGES. HE ASSUMES THE PERSONA OF A RATHER NAFF ROCK STAR TRYING TO BE HIP.
PANTS:
Er, hi babe. Yeah, change of plan. What’s going down?
AL AND SQUIFF DO A DOUBLE TAKE.
AL:
Er.. your credibility?
PANTS IGNORES AL’S COMMENT AND INTRODUCES GINA.
PANTS:
Hey, sorry guys. This is Gina. Gina, this is Al and Chris. Oh and this is Mickey the monkey. He is full of good vibes.
AL NODS, STILL SLIGHTLY MYSTIFIED. SQUIFF CORRECTS PANTS.
SQUIFF:
Squiff.
PANTS:
Gina doesn’t do nicknames, do you babe? Thinks they’re a bit naff.
AL:
So what’s Ewan then?
PANTS:
Stage name dude. Ewan (pause) Mee. Said fast, ‘Ewan Mee’. The chicks love it.
GINA GRABS PANTS ARM TIGHTLY AND STROKES IT. AL CHOKES ON HIS PINT.
AL:
Cheeee-zeeey!
PANTS:
(To AL)
Hey, chill out guy.
(To GINA)
Don’t worry babe, these guys are getting on a bit. They’re a bit square.
(he sings the next line)
‘Ewan Mee babe, how about it’?
(To AL and SQUIFF)
Dire Straits. Works every time.
AL:
With the over forties, back in the eighties maybe.
GINA AND PANTS EMBRACE. AL AND SQUIFF LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS IF THEY WANT TO BE SICK. PANTS REALISES IT’S GOING TO BE HARD TO KEEP THE ACT UP WITHOUT A FEW EXPLANATIONS.
PANTS:
Er, Gina, listen babe, you’ve smudged your mascara. Why don’t you go and fix it? Look the toilets are just over there.
PANTS POINTS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE TOILETS. GINA TOUCHES HER FACE AS IF TO FEEL WHETHER THE MASCARA HAS RUN.
GINA:
Ooh has it? OK babe, back in a minute.
GINA GIVES PANTS A PECK ON THE CHEEK, GETS UP AND DISAPPEARS FROM VIEW. AL POINTS AFTER HER.
AL:
Hey ‘dude’. I think there’s one tiny thing you forgot to tell us here. What was that all that ‘Ewan’ nonsense and why are you acting like some naff rock n roll throwback?
PANTS:
Look, help me out here. She’s a nice girl. I just over did the act a bit.
AL:
Just a bit! And where were you playing? The local creche?
PANTS:
(defensively)
She’s 20.
AL:
What were you thinking?
SQUIFF:
Adoption?
PANTS:
She likes older men.
AL:
Evidently. (pause) And what’s with the voice and the awful stage name?
PANTS:
It’s trendy.
AL:
Cringeworthy more like!
PANTS:
Aaah, you’re just jealous. Just because there’s a bit of life left in this old dog.
AL:
Why not find a dog your own age then?
SQUIFF:
Like you usually do.
PANTS:
Oi! I can’t help it if I appeal to all ages.
AL:
Oh no! Now he’s Sir Cliff bleeding Richard. Listen, have you stopped to consider what she is going to think when you’re hurling abuse at the ref inside the first thirty seconds?
PANTS:
Oh yeah, I didn’t think of that. Squiff? What should I do?
SQUIFF:
Don’t ask me.
PANTS:
Oh thanks mate! Some friend you are. Listen, it’s alright for you - nice wife, baby on the way. A right cosy little life. What do you think Pants does all week? A quiet night in? Maybe go down the pub and stare into my pint for the evening? Strike up a conversation with the local nutter just to kill some time? It ain’t easy when all your mates are married or moved away. The band’s my only chance of actually meeting someone who accepts me for what I am. Who I am.
AL:
And who are you today then?
PANTS:
Oh, er, I don’t know. I’ll just have to play it cool. My alter ego ‘Ewan’ will have to go to the game.
AL:
What? You’ll never pull it off. Why try and be something you’re not? I mean, one way of talking to your mates and another for pulling the women - It’s bound to backfire on you sooner or later.
PANTS:
All the great rock n roll stars have alter egos you know.
AL:
Oh no. Now he’s Alice Cooper.
SQUIFF:
Tommy Cooper more like!
PANTS SCOWLS AT SQUIFF
AL:
Look, just tell her the truth. It may not be too late. Honesty’s the best policy? Remember?
GINA REAPPEARS AND TAKES A SEAT, NEXT TO PANTS
GINA:
Is that better babe?
PANTS LOOKS AT GINA’S FACE. THERE IS NO VISIBLE DIFFERENCE.
PANTS:
Yeah, sweet babe, sweet. Er, so, what’s your pleasure?
GINA:
Oh you know. A bit of sex, a bit of drugs, a bit of rock n roll (giggles)
PANTS:
Er, that’s way cool babe, but I kind of meant what would you like to drink yeah?
GINA:
Oh! Sorry. Hark at me! Cider and black please.
PANTS:
Half?
GINA:
No. Pint please.
PANTS:
Ok, what about you guys?
HE GESTURES TO AL AND SQUIFF.
AL:
I’m fine thanks.
SQUIFF:
Yeah, me too.
PANTS:
OK, back in a few yeah?
PANTS GETS UP TO GO AND GET THE DRINKS. THERE IS AN UNEASY SILENCE. SQUIFF ATTEMPTS TO BREAK THE ICE.
SQUIFF:
(smiling, to GINA)
Alright Gina?
GINA:
Yeah, thanks.
SQUIFF:
So, er, is he any good?
GINA LOOKS AROUND AND LEANS FORWARD. SHE LOWERS HER VOICE.
GINA:
Well, between you and me, (pause) he didn’t last very long. He said it was down to nerves.
SQUIFF:
(horrified)
No! No! Not that. I meant is his band any good?
GINA:
Oh, right. (giggles again) Sorry! God! Don’t tell him will you?
AL:
(revelling in this revelation)Don’t worry Gina, your secret is safe with us.
SQUIFF:
So, have you been to a game before?
GINA:
(surprised)
Oh, I’m not going to the game. I can’t stand football.
AL:
(confused)
So (pause) what are you here for then? I thought Pant.., I mean Ewan, asked you?
GINA:
No. I’m meeting a friend. They were meant to be here at two, but they’ve been delayed. I’d no idea Ewan would be in here. He told me he was gigging in Hamburg this weekend. Same club as The Beatles used to play he said. Anyway, I spotted him so thought I’d come over and say hello.
AL:
Oh right! So you’re definitely not going to the game?
GINA:
No way! I told you, I can’t stand football.
CUT TO:
SCENE 6 INT: DAY.
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE.
-STUDIO
AT A NEARBY TABLE A BOY OF ABOUT TWELVE SOUNDS BEYOND HIS YEARS AS HE TALKS INTELLIGENTLY ABOUT THE GAME, USING CONDIMENTS, GLASSES AND SOME LEFTOVER CHIPS TO ILLUSTRATE HIS POINT. TWO ADULTS WATCH ON AS HE ARRANGES THE ITEMS ON THE TABLE.
BOY:
So let’s say this is their goalie, the salt and pepper shakers are their wing backs, this glass is their number five.
ADULT 1:
Blimey, he’s a big bloke.
BOY:
It’s not to scale silly. And this ashtray is the other centre half.
ADULT 2:
Short fat bloke was he? Smoked too much?
BOY:
I’ve told you. They are not to scale or symbolic.
ADULT 1:
Who’s the ketchup sachet again?
BOY:
Rooney.
ADULT 1:
That’s symbolic. He’s playing in red! And the vinegar?
BOY:
(sighing) Ronaldo! Are you listening to anything I say?
ADULT 1:
Of course.
ADULT 2
Who are these two chips again?
BOY:
Oh I give up!
SCENE 7. INT. DAY
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE
-STUDIO
PANTS RETURNS FROM THE BAR WITH GINA’S DRINK. HE HANDS IT TO HER AND SITS DOWN. HE IS STILL AFFECTING A ROCK N ROLL PERSONA.
PANTS:
There we go babe. One Cider and blacksville. So, you dudes getting to know each other? Your yin and yang’s mingling?
GINA:
Yeah, your friends seem cool.
PANTS:
Yeah babe, for old dudes, they’re kicking. Sure, they aren’t in to the rock n roll scene, but we see eye to eye on most things. Football’s our peace pipe.
GINA:
Really? I thought football was a violent game?
PANTS:
Sure, it attracts some bad karma’s, but mostly it’s chilled these days. It’s not worth twisting your melon over, you know?
AL AND SQUIFF ARE TRYING TO STOP THEMSELVES FROM LAUGHING.
GINA:
I’m not sure I’d like it.
PANTS:
Babe. I thought that’s what you’re here for? To check it out?
GINA:
No, no, I’m meeting a friend, but, as you're here and we had such a good time the other night, I was wondering..
GINA LEANS ACROSS AND WHISPERS TO PANTS. HE THINKS FOR A SECOND THEN HIS EYES LIGHT UP. ALL OF A SUDDEN HE IS FULL OF THE JOYS OF SPRING AND ALMOST FORGETS TO PLAY THE PART.
PANTS:
Blimey! I mean, hey, I’ve got a bad case of the munchies all of a sudden. Got to keep the energy levels up. (To GINA) Could be a long afternoon yeah?
PANTS GRABS THE MENU OFF THE TABLE, SOMETHING HE NEVER USUALLY DOES. HE SCOURS THROUGH IT. READING ALOUD FROM TIME TO TIME.
PANTS:
Meat..meat..meat.. Why do pubs never cater for us veggies?
KNOWING WHAT A BIG MEAT EATER PANTS IS, AL AND SQUIFF LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN DISBELIEF AT THIS LATEST REVELATION.
PANTS:
And I bet they use GM products. I blame globalisation.(pause) Here we are, the token veggy dish . They probably cook it in animal fat but I’ll take my chances. Babe? You fancy a bite to eat?
GINA:
Oh go on then, cheers. Burger and chips please. By the way, what was it you wanted to tell me?
PANTS PRETENDS TO BE DISAPPOINTED IN GINA’S CHOICE, BUT GETS SOME MONEY OUT OF HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO HER. AL AND SQUIFF ARE JUST AMAZED BY HIS ANTICS.
PANTS:
Er, OK, burger and chips it is, Ewan’s treat. I’ll have the veggy lasagne, but would you be a real star and go and order it, only I need a quick word with these guys yeah?
GINA:
Yeah, sure.
PANTS:
Oh and can you ask them if they can rustle me up a side salad? Mung beans, falafel, that sort of thing yeah?
AL AND SQUIFF CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT THEY ARE HEARING. GINA GETS UP AND MAKES HER WAY OVER TO THE BAR. PANTS TURNS EXCITEDLY TO AL AND SQUIFF AND REVERTS TO HIS NORMAL WAY OF SPEAKING.
PANTS:
Bloody hell! It just keeps getting better. She’s only asked me back to her place for a threesome!
SQUIFF:
When?
PANTS:
(smugly)
This afternoon of course!
AL:
You said she was a one night stand. Just a groupie. And what about the game? And mung beans... and.. gigging in Hamburg?
PANTS:
Hamburg? Oh shit, did I tell her that?
PANTS STOPS BRIEFLY TO THINK.
PANTS:
Oh well, never mind, listen, this sort of opportunity only comes along once in a lifetime. Be honest, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t any bloke miss a football match if the chance of a threesome came up?
SQUIFF:
Not with Cruella Deville's daughter, no
PANTS:
Baaah! You're just jealous.
AL:
I don't believe you!.
PANTS:
Oh come on Al, it's a threesome for God's sake? Would you turn it down?
AL:
Yes I would.
PANTS:
Yeah? As if!
SQUIFF:
Maybe you could make it along for the second half?
PANTS:
With the greatest respect Squiff, this is one game where I don’t think a player should be pulled off early doors.
AL:
So that’s it then. You’re blowing us out are you?
PANTS:
Sorry guys.
AL:
Well at least we know where your loyalties lie.
PANTS:
Oh come on Al. I’m sure the team would forgive me if they knew. Let’s face it, half of them are up to this sort of thing all the time. I may not earn ten grand a week, but I’m grabbing this particular win bonus with both hands. I told you Mickey was lucky!
PANTS PICKS UP MICKEY THE MONKEY AND KISSES IT.
SQUIFF:
Sssssh. She’s coming back.
AL:
(To PANTS)
Don’t do it.
GINA REAPPEARS AND HANDS PANTS THE CHANGE AND SITS DOWN. PANTS REVERTS TO HIS ROCK N ROLL PERSONA.
GINA:
Thanks babe. We’re number 27.
PANTS:
Just my age babe, just my age.
AL AND SQUIFF LOOK AT PANTS AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS IN DISBELIEF AGAIN.
SQUIFF:
(tersely) Yeah right.
PANTS:
Excuse my friends babe, there’ve been a few bad vibes flying around since I told them I was going back to your pad this afternoon.
GINA:
You sure you shouldn’t go with them? I mean, they are your friends.
PANTS:
Listen babe, life’s a rich tapestry and I want to sit down and embroider a bit more of it this afternoon. I can chill out with these dudes next time.
AL AND SQUIFF LOOK AT PANTS AND SHAKE THEIR HEADS.
PANTS:
Actually, I was thinking, I’m playing a festival soon. Maybe you and your friend would like to hang out. I can get you on the guest list if you like.
AL:
Reading? Glastonbury?
PANTS:
No, Herne Bay Oyster Festival.
GINA ISN’T IMPRESSED.
GINA:
(half-heartedly)
Yeah, maybe.
AL:
(joking)
Is Herne Bay ready for Ewan Mee?
PANTS:
(serious and dismissive)
It’s just a warm up gig. We’re doing London soon. Got some A & R dudes coming along to see us.
AL:
So what happened to Hamburg? Weren’t you meant to be playing there this weekend?
PANTS:
Er..oh yeah, some mix up with the dates. It’s next month.
GINA:
(enthusiastically)
Now I wouldn’t mind going there!
PANTS LOOKS AWKWARD.
PANTS:
Can we take a raincheck babe? I’ll get back to you yeah?
GINA:
And I’d love a ride in your Bentley.
AL CHOKES ON HIS BEER. OVER THE TANNOY WE HEAR NUMBER 27 BEING ANNOUNCED. PANTS IS RELIEVED.
PANTS:
(To GINA)
Hey, that’s us babe. Be a sweetie and go and get it for Ewan?
GINA:
OK babe.
GINA GETS UP ONCE MORE AND GOES OFF TO GET THE FOOD.
AL:
(To PANTS)
Gigging in Hamburg? Driving a Bentley? It wouldn’t be so bad if you could remember what you told her. What next? A private jet?
PANTS:
No, I can safely say, I’ve never used that line. (pause)But, if she mentions my string of racehorses or Swiss chateau, promise me you won’t laugh alright?
AL AND SQUIFF REMAIN SILENT AND JUST SHAKE THEIR HEADS. PANTS TRIES TO LIGHTEN THE MOOD.
PANTS:
Awwwww, come on. I was joking! (pause) Bloody hell eh? A threesome! Me! Would you believe it?
PANTS STAND UP AND THRUSTS HIS HIPS BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS.
PANTS:
Get in there! One nil!
AL:
(dryly) Yes, in the first minute of normal time by all accounts.
PANTS:
Eh?
AL:
Oh, nothing.
AL AND SQUIFF LAUGH KNOWINGLY WHILST PANTS TRIES TO GET THE JOKE.
CUT TO:
SCENE 8. INT. DAY
THE MANOR PUBLIC HOUSE
-STUDIO
PANTS IS TUCKING INTO HIS VEGGY DISH AS IF IT’S THE BEST MEAL HE HAS EVER HAD.
AL:
(To PANTS)
You enjoying that?
PANTS:
Yeah. It’s ‘delish’. Real bummer they didn’t have any mung beans though.
AL:
Yes, you must be gutted. So how long have you been a veggy?
PANTS GIVES AL AND SQUIFF A SHEEPISH LOOK, KNOWING HE IS LYING BUT HAS TO KEEP UP THE PRETENCE.
PANTS:
Oooh, a couple of years maybe? Didn’t I mention it?
AL:
Er. No. Moral grounds was it?
PANTS:
Pretty much yeah. Meat is murder right?
PANTS WINKS AT AL. AL JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD.
SQUIFF:
Oh this is ridiculous.
(To GINA)
Look, he doesn’t really speak like that, and he’s not a veggy.
GINA LOOKS AT PANTS ENQUIRINGLY.
PANTS:
Hey, take no notice babe, Chris loses it sometimes. Pre match nerves. He gets very edgy yeah? He’s normally a lot more chilled.
(To SQUIFF)
Deep breaths brother. Deep breaths.
SQUIFF:
Oh come on Al. I’ve had enough of this happy clappy, Sonny and Cher, hippy shit.
PANTS, SENSING THERE’S A PROBLEM GETS UP AND OFFERS TO SHAKE SQUIFF’S HAND. SQUIFF DOESN’T OFFER HIS HAND IN RETURN.
PANTS:
Hey, I sense some bad Karma between us guy. Still friends yeah?
SQUIFF:
(tersely)
Maybe. Come on Al.
AL GETS UP.
PANTS:
Hey guys. It’s nothing personal yeah? Look, I’ll give you a call. Give the team a cheer for me yeah?
AL:
Yeah, OK. Bye Gina.
SQUIFF:
(ignoring PANTS)
Yeah bye Gina.
AL AND SQUIFF TURN AND WALK OUT OF THE DOOR. PANTS SITS BACK DOWN. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY.
PANTS:
Hey babe, I didn’t do the wrong thing did I?
GINA:
It’s your call. They’re your friends. It’s not too late to go.
PANTS:
No, they’ll be cool, won’t they?
SQUIFF BURSTS BACK IN THROUGH THE DOOR.
SQUIFF:
And he doesn’t drive a Bentley. He’s got a bleeding Corsa.
SQUIFF TURNS AND WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AGAIN LEAVING PANTS LOOKING EMBARRASSED AND GINA CONFUSED.
PANTS:
(laughing nervously)
I love that guy. Great sense of humour.
GINA:
(looking at watch)
Half two. She should be here any moment.
GINA LOOKS TOWARDS THE DOOR AND SHOUTS ACROSS THE BAR.
GINA:
Kelly! Kelly! Over here.
PANTS FACE DROPS AS A BIG BURLY HELL’S ANGEL TYPE HEADS TOWARDS THE TABLE.
KELLY 2:
Yes love?
GINA:
Who are you?
KELLY 2:
I’m Kelly.
PANTS FACE IS A PICTURE AT THIS POINT
GINA:
Well you’re not the Kelly I’m looking for. Now excuse me.
KELLY 2 MOVES ASIDE AND, MUCH TO PANTS RELIEF, GINA’S FRIEND KELLY APPEARS – AND SHE IS FEMALE, LATE TWENTIES AND ATTRACTIVE! GINA AND KELLY EMBRACE.
KELLY:
Hey, sorry I’m late. Bloody public transport. Is this your friend?
GINA:
Yes, this is Ewan. Ewan this is Kelly.
PANTS GETS UP AND GREETS KELLY.
PANTS:
Delighted to meet you. For a moment there I thought..
GINA:
(laughing)
God! What do you take me for? Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do a thing like that to you.
PANTS BREATHES A HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF AND LAUGHS.
PANTS:
I mean I’m broad minded, but not that broad minded.
KELLY INTERRUPTS PANTS.
KELLY:
Hey, you were right Gina, he is nice.
GINA:
See? I told you!
PANTS:
(slightly embarrassed)
Oh stop it you two. You’ll make me blush.
GINA:
So, shall we go then?
PANTS:
Well it’s up to Kelly. After all, she’s only just got here.
KELLY:
Yeah, why not?
GINA:
I was sort of hoping Ewan might give us a lift in his Bentley but..
PANTS:
Ah yes, the Bentley. Slight problemo. You see it’s being repaired at the moment. But, I’ve got my trusty runaround parked just across the road.
GINA:
That will have to do.
PANTS:
In that case, ladies, your carriage awaits.
PANTS GETS UP AND GESTURES FOR GINA AND KELLY TO ACCOMPANY HIM TO HIS CAR.HE LEAVES MICKEY ON THE TABLE.
GINA:
Don’t forget your bear.
PANTS SWEEPS MICKEY UP OFF THE TABLE PROTECTIVELY.
PANTS:
It’s a monkey. My lucky monkey.
GINA:
You believe in all that stuff do you?
PANTS:
Cor, don’t you start. Come on, let’s go.
CUT TO:
SCENE 9. EXT. DAY
AN OUTDOOR CAR PARK
- LOCATION
PANTS HAS HIS ARMS ROUND BOTH GIRLS AS THEY CROSS THE ROAD AND APPROACH THE CAR PARK. THEY ARE LAUGHING AND CHATTING.
AS THEY GET TO THE CAR PARK, PANTS GETS HIS KEYS OUT AND NONCHALANTLY ACTIVATES THE AUTOMATIC LOCK WITHOUT LOOKING. THE LIGHTS FLASH IN THE CAR AND THE DOORS CLICK AS IT UNLOCKS.GINA MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE FRONT PASSENGER DOOR AND KELLY TO THE REAR. AS GINA WALKS ROUND THE CAR, A MAN APPROACHES PANTS.
MAN:
This your car mate?
PANTS LAPSES BACK INTO HIS NORMAL ACCENT.
PANTS:
Yeah. What’s it to you?
MAN:
You should be ashamed of yourself. People like you ought to be locked up.
PANTS LOOKS BEMUSED.
PANTS:
Eh? What you on about?
GINA, MEANWHILE, IS NOW AT THE PASSENGER DOOR. AS SHE OPENS IT SHE LETS OUT A TERRIBLE SCREAM, WHILST KELLY JUST SHOUTS.
KELLY:
Oh my God!
AS PANTS TRIES TO TAKE IN WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON, A BIG FAT BLACK CAT JUMPS OUT OF THE CAR. IT’S ZIGGY, THE INCONTINENT CAT AND SHE’S DONE HER BUSINESS IN PANTS CAR - SEVERAL TIMES!
PANTS:
Ziggy? How? Oh no! You didn’t?
GINA HAS NOW GAINED SUFFICIENT COMPOSURE TO GIVE HER VERDICT ON THE SCENARIO. KELLY MEANWHILE IS FANNING HER FACE AND WRETCHING AS IF SHE IS GOING TO BE SICK.
GINA:
You are one sick bastard. I’ve read about people like you, but I never, ever thought I’d meet one. Officer! Officer!
GINA SPOTS A PASSING POLICE OFFICER WHO COMES OVER TO SEE WHAT THE COMMOTION IS ABOUT. PANTS CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT IS HAPPENING.
OFFICER:
Yes miss?
GINA:
I’d like to report this man for ill-treating this animal. Look at the poor thing. It’s clearly been in there for hours. It’s gasping.
PANTS:
It’s not what it seems!
ZIGGY IS OBLIVIOUS TO WHAT’S GOING ON AND STARTS DRINKING WATER OUT OF A PUDDLE.
OFFICER:
It doesn’t look too good though does it sir?
PANTS:
I had no idea it was in there.
OFFICER:
Is this your cat sir?
PANTS:
Yes!
OFFICER:
And is this your car sir?
PANTS:
Yes!!!
OFFICER:
(sarcastically)
And yet you say no idea your cat was in your car?
PANTS:
Yes! I mean no, I mean, oh for God’s sake.
OFFICER:
I am afraid I am going to have to detain you under the Abandonment of Animals Act 1960 And the Protection of Animals Act 2000. You have the right to remain silent..
PANTS:
What? You’re joking? Gina? Tell him.
GINA:
Tell him what? That you're a cat hating weirdo? Come on Kelly, let’s go.
OFFICER:
..anything you do say may be taken down in evidence.
PANTS:
Oh come on officer. I swear, I had no idea the cat was in there. i don't hate cats, and I'm not weird.
OFFICER:
..And used against you. That’s what they all say sir,
PANTS:
All? All? You mean there's a speight of incontinent cats going round crapping on the passenger seat of their owners cars?
KELLY:
..and the back.
PANTS:
Thanks for that.
OFFICER:
OK ladies, you can be on your way. I’ll deal with this now.
PANTS TRIES ONE LAST DESPERATE PLEA.
PANTS:
Gina? Please!
GINA AND KELLY WALK AWAY DISGUSTED, LEAVING PANTS, THE POLICE OFFICER AND AN OBLIVIOUS ZIGGY DRINKING WATER FROM A PUDDLE.PANTS SHOUTS AFTER THEM FORLORNLY.
PANTS:
I’ll call you yeah?
THE POLICE OFFICER HANDS PANTS SOMETHING
POLICE OFFICER:
By the way sir, you dropped this.
THERE IS A LOUD ROAR IN THE DISTANCE. EVIDENTLY PANTS TEAM HAVE SCORED. HE TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE MONKEY AND DROP KICKS IT AS FAR AS HE CAN.
PANTS:
Aaaaaagh! You bleeding jinx!
END OF EPISODE