Innit Together - Feedback needed!

Hey guys. I'm writing some comedy with a friend, for sumbission to various firms later on. I've included a small extract of my current work - "Innit Together", a story based around the strains and pains of modern day life for women. I hope you enjoy it, all feedback is much appreciated.

Phil

***

FOREWARNING: Some strong language.

***

FOREWARNING 2: It is very long.

***

SCENE 1. INT. JONES' HOUSE - DAY 1 - AFTERNOON
THE SCENE BEGINS IN JONES' HOUSEHOLD. THE HOME IS ONLY OCCUPIED BY JONES. SHE IS SITTING ALONE, WATCHING TELEVISION, DRINKING COFFEE.

HALTON AND LANGTON ENTER, CARRYING ABOUT TEN BAGS OF CLOTHING, AND A SHOEBOX.

HALTON:
Lucy? Oi! Lucy! Lucy-foosy-cloosy-soosy-po-

LANGTON:
Don't.

HALTON:
Sorry. Lucy!

JONES (IRRITATED):
What is it, Jess?

HALTON:
Well, we've come back from the shops, 'aven't we?

JONES:
That's nice.

HALTON:
You seem kinda.. I dunno, down? What's wrong?

LANGTON:
Well, she has you as a friend, for a start, an--

HALTON:
You have me as a friend as well, though!

LANGTON:
Hence the reason I cry myself to sleep every night.

HALTON:
I did that when the Wombles split up.

(PAUSE)

Well, I did!

JONES:
The Wombles never split up, Jess.

HALTON:
You can keep telling yourself that, Lucy, but you shouldn't hide yourself from the truth like that; it's unhealthy. Just because--

LANGTON:
They didn't split up, Jess.

HALTON:
Then who am I thinking of?

JONES:
I dunno, 'ave you got a sort of... image in your head or somethin'?

HALTON:
Shaved, young, hunted through rubbish bins for a bit of tea?

LANGTON:
Take That?

HALTON:
That's the one! F**kin' Wombles.

(PAUSE)

LANGTON:
Er, anyway. Come an' have a look at these shoes, Lucy! Fookin' bargain!

JONES TURNS HER HEAD TO THE SIDE VERY SLIGHTLY, AND TURNS BACK TO THE TELEVISION, WITHOUT HAVING SEEN THE SHOES.

JONES:
Very nice.

LANGTON AND HALTON SIT DOWN ON THE SEATEE.

LANGTON:
Luce, what's wrong?

JONES (SIGHING):
Promise you won't tell anybody?

LANGTON:
Of course.

HALTON:
Yeah, totally!

(PAUSE), THEY BOTH GLANCE AT HALTON

JONES:
Can I whisper it to you?

LANGTON:
Yeah, you probably should.

HALTON:
Cool, can you whisper it to me as well, like after?

JONES:
Yes. Yes I can.

HALTON:
Yes!

LANGTON:
Anyway, you were saying?

JONES:
Ah. Girls, I think…

(PAUSE)

LANGTON:
You can tell us, Luce. We're your friends. And if Jess spreads it then, well don’t you worry, I'll ensure her life ceases.

LANGTON GLANCES AT HALTON

JONES:
Girls, I... I think I'm pregnant.

(PAUSE)

LANGTON:
Are... are you sure?

JONES:
Oh, I knew I shouldn’t have had that bloody one nighter!

FADE TO:

SCENE 2. INT. NIGHTCLUB - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
THERE ARE PEOPLE DANCING. JONES IS APPROACHED BY A YOUNG MAN.

YOUNG MAN:
Hey baby, your tag's showing, it says 'Made in—'

JONES:
Do you want a shag, or not?

YOUNG MAN:
Oh, yeah!

JONES:
Do you have a condom?

YOUNG MAN:
Er.. no, I'm afrai--

JONES:
F**k it, I’m bloody 'ammered.

END FLASHBACK

FADE TO:

SCENE 3. INT. JONES' HOUSE – DAY 1

LANGTON:
Well, have you taken a test? What did it say?

JONES:
No, I was going to get one later.

LANGTON:
Well, you know what they say about there being no time like the present.

JONES:
I suppose you're right.

HALTON:
Ooh, can I go?

JONES:
No offence or anything, but if we sent you for a test, you'd probably come back with a toothbrush.

HALTON:
Oh, come on Luce! I'm not that bad!

LANGTON:
You can come with us.

HALTON:
Deal!

LANGTON:
But we're putting you on a leash.

CUT TO:

SCENE 4. INT. PHARMACY – DAY 1

THE THREE ARE BROWSING THE PHARMACY. HALTON IS ON A LEASH, PULLED BY LANGTON. HALTON IS HOLDING A TOOTHBRUSH.

JONES:
I still don't agree with the leash.

LANGTON:
You don't want another accident though, do you?

FADE TO:

SCENE 5. EXT. STREET - DAY (FLASHBACK)
THE THREE ARE WALKING HOME, ALONG A STREET. THEY HAVE A SMALL NUMBER OF SHOPPING BAGS WITH THEM.

HALTON:
I still can't believe they had no Smurf cuddly toys in. I mean, I've been hunting one if those for ages!

LANGTON:
Yes, well. Such is life.

HALTON:
I mean, is it such a crime to want to cuddle up at night with your favourite Smurf, in front of a warm, flickering--

AN OLD WOMAN WITH A SMURF PLUSH TOY PASSES

LANGTON:
Oh no. Jess, don't be getting any idea--
HALTON TURNS BACK AND EXITS THE SCREEN.

LANGTON:
No, Jess! No! Don't do--

OLD WOMAN (OOV) SCREAMS

RIPPING NOISES (OOV)

LANGTON:
Oh, Jess...

HALTON (OOV):
Look Chelsea! Look! I got it! I got it, I got it, I got it!

FADE TO:

***

Cheers for reading.

Eek! I appologise for the encoding, it was done in script smart.

Phil, welcome to the forum.

Its especially hard for a man to write comedy about women and i think you may realise that if you read the thing again. I think there should be some more jokes. Also to make it easier use the first names of characters not their surnames.

It has got potenetial but the dialogue should set up jokes. For example the scene where the flash back to the one nighter is expendible because it doesn't have a joke. Why don't you change it for a joke about a one night stand e.g. i think it was impressive that i was able to have a one night stand considering i was completely legless.

It's a really good effort for a first draught, especailly writing with someone else which i think is always harder. Keep working on it, it will definately become better.

P.S. A woman on a leash? I think your subconsious is trying to tell you something

Haha.

Cheers for the feedback, I agree with what you're saying, really. I took on the idea mainly because

-It's a fairly original idea
-It's a challenge

So yes, I'll make a point of taking what you're saying on board. I'm also changing the leash to a harness.

I agree with my good friend ajp on the surnames thing i had to really think who was who as the refer to each other using first and the dialogue is undr surname not a big thing to change though.

personally I'd cut pharmacy out and go straight to stealing smurf cut away allowing the script to flow better and not jump to much plus keep costs down

saying that though a very solid first draft not my personal cup of tea but I can see people will find it funny so keep going with it

Hi Phil

I echo AJP's thoughts.

You refer to your key players by christian names (Lucy, Jess) but tag the dialogue by another name (Halton etc). Keep the name tags strictly uniform, either surnames or christian / knicknames. Rule of thumb is: If a character is called Jess in dialogue then dialogue tag them by that name, unless you are playing a specific trick on the viewer. If you are, you still need to explain the discrepancy in names to the reader. The script-editor will find they have to do too much internal cross-referencing between surnames and christian names and it will slow down their progress and worse still ... actually make them think. Several times, I had to read the opening to work out who was who.

Also having two main character name tags sounding so similar doesn't help the lesser-spotted skimming script-reader when they are concentrating on the dialogue and only subconsciously noting the name tag.

Another point is to cut out the fluff words. Use 'just', 'quite' and 'well' sparingly. You use 'well' to open dialogue too often. Drop filler words and you pick up pace and avoid the reader / viewer becoming aware of the over-use.

Hi Phil,

I ditto all the pearls of wisdom already dispensed which, if you decide to incorporate, will certainly help the kind of script you want to write. For me, what you've written has a nice surreal sense about it which very much put me in mind of 'Nightingales'. Little touches like Halton being put on a leash had a nice irreverent payoff which, if built upon, could give 'Innit Together' that little bit of something to make it stand out. Looking forward to reading the next draft.

I agree with what most others have said about the name tags, its very confusing having the characters refer to each other by their forenames, while you have titled them with their surnames.

It seems like a human version of Family Guy in how it goes to the short flashbacks scenes, that could be very interesting to work with in a sitcom. It needs more jokes though and get rid of the fluff, what SlagA said is very useful in getting rid of words like 'well' and 'quite' etc, this is something I did a lot when I first started writing and now without them it flows a lot better.

It is hard for male writers to write for female characters, and all your main characters are female so you do have quite a task ahead but yeah good luck with it, this is positive for a first draft. Keep at it.

Hey guys it shouldnt be that hard to write female characters. We are such wonderful amazing creatures. Take a bit of your mother and all the bits of your ex and current girlfriends.(If you have ever had them that is). Mix all that up in a PINK mixing bowl and hey presto you have a fab female character.

I did that, and got Martin Clunes.

A woman told me write for women as blokes as they think and act the same way. I don't think it's the best advice I've ever had. Paradoxically, Woody Allen writes great parts for women but not many women like his style.

That worked in Seinfeld though with Elaine, they wrote her as one of the guys and she is a great female character, a lot of that down to the brilliant acting by Julia Louis-Dryfus as well of course.

Quote: Martin Holmes @ April 4, 2007, 5:12 PM

That worked in Seinfeld though with Elaine.

View original

And the same went for Debbie in 'Everybody Loves Raymond'. Acted by a woman but written by men. Dont know what that proves but it just shows that it can be done.

oh yeah Phil? I'd hate to meet the women that resulted in Martin Clunes. (Although I've never seen his mum but I'll bet there's a good chance she xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

Redrafted. Let me know what you think, as usual! Thanks for reading it all, mind you. I'm sure you're sick of it!

Thanks again.

***

INNITTOGETHER
Episode #1
"Pregnant"

Written by
Phillip Thompson,
Robin Brabham
SCENE 1. INT. Lucy's house -DAY 1 - AFTERNOON
The scene begins in Lucy's household. the home is only occupied by LUCY. she is sitting alone, watching television, drinking coffee.

Jess and Chelsea enter, carrying about ten bags of clothing, and a shoebox.

JESS:
Lucy? Oi! Lucy! Lucy-lucy-lucy-lucy-looooooo--
CHELSEA:
Don't.

JESS:
Sorry. Lucy!

LUCY (AGGITATED):
What is it, Jess?

JESS:
We've come back from the shops, ‘aven't we?

LUCY:
That's nice.
JESS:
You seem kinda.. I dunno, down? What's wrong?

CHELSEA:
She has you as a friend, for a start.
JESS:
You have me as a friend as well, though!

CHELSEA:
Hence the reason I cry myself to sleep every night.

JESS:
I did that when the Wombles split up.
(PAUSE)
Well, I did!
LUCY:
The Wombles never split up, Jess.

JESS:
You can keep telling yourself that, Lucy, but you shouldn't hide yourself from the truth like that; it's unhealthy. Just because--

CHELSEA:
They didn't split up, Jess.

JESS:
Who am I thinking of, then?

LUCY:
I dunno, ‘ave you got a sort of...image in your head or somethin'?

JESS:
Shaved, young, hunted through rubbish bins for a bit of tea?

CHELSEA:
Take That?
JESS:
That's the one! F**kin' Wombles.

(pause)

CHELSEA:
Er, anyway. Come an' have a look at these shoes, Lucy! Fookin' bargain!

LUCY TURNS HER HEAD TO THE SIDE VERY SLIGHTLY, AND TURNS BACK TO THE TELEVISION, WITHOUT HAVING SEEN THE SHOES.

LUCY:
Very nice.

CHELSEA AND JESS SIT DOWN ON THE SEATEE.
CHELSEA:
Luce, what's wrong?

LUCY (SIGHING):
Promise you won't tell anybody?

CHELSEA:
Of course.

JESS (EXCITEDLY):
Yeah, totally!

(PAUSE), THEY BOTH GLANCE AT JESS

LUCY:
Can I whisper it to you?

CHELSEA:
Yeah, you probably should.

JESS (EXCITEDLY):
Cool, can you whisper it to me as well, like after?

LUCY (SARCASTIC):
Yes. Yes I can.

JESS:
Yes!

CHELSEA:
You were saying?

LUCY:
Girls, I think…

(PAUSE)

CHELSEA:
You can tell us, Luce. We're your friends. And if Jess spreads it then, well don't you worry, I'll ensure her life ceases.
CHELSEA GLANCES AT JESS

LUCY:
Girls, I...I think I'm pregnant.

JESS SCREAMS LOUDLY

CHELSEA:
Do you not have an off button or something?

JESS:
I don't think so. All my buttons just feel nice when I press them.

(PAUSE)

CHELSEA:
F**k the off button, does anybody have a shotgun?

JESS:
I do!

(PAUSE)

CHELSEA:
I'm sure you do.

JESS:
No, I do! I keep it under my bed. Ever since that...incident…
FADE TO:
SCENE 2. INT. JESS' BEDROOM -NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
jess is in a room covered in posters featuring children's television characters. she is asleep in her bed.
a young man, slightly older than jess, bursts in to the room. the man is a very good friend of jess'.
YOUNG MAN (SHOUTING HAPPILY):
Happy Birthday, Jess!

JESS WAKES UP, SHOCKED, SCREAMING. SHE TAKES A SHOTGUN FROM UNDER HER PILLOW, AND FIRES IT AT THE MAN. HE SCREAMS (OOV), AND FALLS TO THE FLOOR.

JESS (SHOUTING ANGRILY):
Eat lead, paedophile bitch!
(SHE STOPS SHOUTING)
…I should really put this under my bed. Wouldn't want you shooting the tooth fairy now, would we? (STROKES GUN)

FADE TO:

SCENE 3.INT. Lucy's house -DAY 1
CHELSEA:
I am never coming into your house. Ever.
JESS:
Aww, yes you are, silly!

SHE HUGS CHELSEA, SQUEESING HER TIGHTLY, APPARANTLY CUTTING OFF CHELSEA'S ABILITY TO BREATHE.

CHELSEA (STRUGGLING TO BREATHE):
Get off me.

JESS (SATISFIED, SMILING STUPIDLY):
Aww, all right.

CHELSEA:
Luce, this baby. Are you absolutely sure?

LUCY:
I think so. Oh Chel, I knew I shouldn't have had that bloody one nighter!

FADE TO:
SCENE 3. INT. Nightclub - NIGHT (FLASHBACK)
there are people dancing. Lucy is approached by a young man.
(LUCY SLURRS HER SPEECH THROUGHOUT SCENE).

YOUNG MAN:
Hey baby, your tag's showing, it says ‘Made in—‘
LUCY (IMPATIENTLY):
Do you want a shag, or not?

YOUNG MAN:
Oh, yeah!

LUCY:
Do you have, like, a condom or something?

YOUNG MAN:
Er.. no, I'm afrai--

LUCY:
F**k it, we can use a rubber glove.

SHE LAUGHS FRANTICLY, APPARANTLY GASPING FOR AIR. SHE GAGS.

END FLASHBACK

FADE TO:
SCENE 4. INT. Lucy'S house -DAY 1
JESS:
I'd be proud of that.

LUCY:
Oh?

JESS (ADMIRINGLY):
Yeah, it's quite impressive, actually. When I get drunk, I get really drunk. I mean, like absolutely legless. I can hardly breathe, never mind open my honey pot.

LUCY AND CHELSEA NOD AND SMILE AWKWARDLY.

JESS:
And if you can't open honey, then you're not going to be able to have sex, are you?

THEY SHAKE THEIR HEADS, AGAIN AWKWARDLY.

CHELSEA:
Have you taken a test? What did it say?
LUCY:
No, I was going to get one later. I suppose I should just get it over with, before Jess screams again or something.

JESS:
Ooh, can I go?

LUCY:
No offence or anything, but if we sent you for a test, you'd probably come back with a toothbrush or something...similarly offensive.

JESS:
Come on Luce! I'm not that bad!

CHELSEA:
You can come with us.

JESS:
Score!

CHELSEA:
But we're putting you on a harness.
JESS:
Aw.

FADE TO:
SCENE 5. EXT. Street -DAY 1

the three are browsing the pharmacy. Jess is on a harness, pulled by Chelsea. Jess is holding a toothbrush.
LUCY:
I still don't agree with the harness.

CHELSEA:
You don't want another accident though, do you?

FADE TO:
SCENE 6. EXT. Street -DAY (flashback)
the three are walking home, along a street. They have a small number of shopping bags with them.
JESS:
I still can't believe they had no Smurf cuddly toys in. I mean, I've been hunting one if those buggers for ages!
CHELSEA:
Such is life.

JESS:
Is it really such a crime to want to cuddle up at night with Papa Smurf, in front of a warm, flickering--

AN OLD WOMAN WITH A SMURF PLUSH TOY PASSES

CHELSEA:
Jess, don't be getting any idea--
JESS TURNS BACK AND EXITS OOV.

CHELSEA:
No, Jess! No! Don't do--

OLD WOMAN (OOV) SCREAMS

RIPPING NOISES (OOV)

CHELSEA:
Oh, Jess…

JESS (OOV):
Look Chelsea! Look! I got it! I got it, I got it, I got it!

CHELSEA HIDES HER FACE, DISGUSTED.

END FLASHBACK

FADE TO:

SCENE 7.
INT. PHARMACY -DAY 1
LUCY:
No, I suppose not.
CHELSEA:
Hey, where's Jess gone?
LUCY:
She should be on the harness, shouldn't she?
CHELSEA:
Well yes, she--

THE TWO STARE AT AN EMPTY HARNESS. (PAUSE)

LUCY:
Shit.

CHELSEA:
Calm down, Luce. In situations like these, it always helps to keep a clear head. Besides, what's the worst that could possibly happen, eh?
LUCY:
We're talking about Jess here.
CHELSEA:
..Holy shit. I'll tell you what. You get your pregnancy test, take it home, put your mind at rest. I'll search for Jess. You have enough to worry about right now.

LUCY:
Are you sure? Because I can come with, if you like.

CHELSEA:
No, no. You go home. Get some rest. Leave me to deal with Little Miss Energy.

LUCY:
Okay. And hey, if you don't find her, it's hardly the end of the world.
CHELSEA:
No, I suppose not.

LUCY:
You still have that Smurf outfit, don't you?

CHELSEA:
Yeah.
LUCY:
Right. Well, good luck, mate.

CUT TO:

SCENE 8. EXT. Street /SHOPPING MALL -DAY 1 (intercut)
JESS IS wandering around on the street, looking through store windows in search of a smurf plush toy. she is muttering “smurf” to herself at a steady rhythm.

CHELSEA IS WANDERING AIMLESSLY AROUND THE SHOPPING MALL, MAKING NO apparent ATTEMPT TO FIND JESS. SHE WINDOW SHOPS AS SHE PASSES.

JESS IS APPROACHED BY A POLICEMAN
POLICEMAN:
Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know--

JESS SCREAMS, BEFORE RUNNING OOV.
POLICEMAN APPROACHES A MAN

POLICEMAN:
Excuse me, you wouldn't happen to know the time, would you? It's just, my watch stopped, and--
CUT TO:
SCENE 9. EXT. Shopping mall -DAY 1
chelsea is window shopping, taking particular interest in a dress she has spotted. a distressed, screaming jess runs into VIEW and nearly knocks chelsea over.

chelsea slaps jess, who then screams even louder than before.
JESS (VERY QUICKLY, DISTRAUGHT):
Chelsea! Help-me-there's-a-scary-police-man-running-after-me-and-I'm-scared-he's-going-to-rape-me-help-help-help--

CHELSEA SLAPS HER AGAIN.
CHELSEA:
Jess, you've been licking post-it's again, haven't you?

JESS CALMS DOWN AT THIS.

JESS:
Yes, but that's neither here nor there. What are we doing again?

CHELSEA:
Nothing, I've found you now, get home before I really do “lose” you.
THEY BOTH WALK OOV.
JESS (OOV):
How are you honestly going to do that, silly?

CHELSEA (OOV):
You said you had a shotgun under your bed, yeah?
JESS (OOV):
Yeah, but I don't see how I can get lost using a shotgun.
(PAUSE)

CHELSEA (OOV):
You're an idiot.

FADE TO:
SCENE 10. INT. Lucy's house -DAY 1 - late AFTERNOON
Jess and chelsea are on the seatee, watching television. jess is fondling with the toothbrush.
lucy comes out of the bathroom, holding a dry, unused pregnancy test.
LUCY:
It's no use. I just can't pee.

CHELSEA:
What, not at all?

JESS:
I'll do it!

THEY BOTH GLANCE AT JESS, BEWILDERED, BEFORE CONTINUING THE DISCUSSION.

CHELSEA:
Have you tried turning the tap on? That sometimes helps me.

JESS:
Would you like the toothbrush?

THEY BOTH GLANCE AT JESS, CONFUSED.

CHELSEA:
Jess, why would we want the toothbrush?

JESS:
It's a nice toothbrush.

CHELSEA:
Right.

JESS:
I'll tell you what. You pee on the test; I'll give you the toothbrush. There we go! Now you'll pee!

LUCY:
I appreciate the thought, Jess, but no thanks.

JESS:
Aw, come on! I make Chelsea want to pee, don't I, Chelsea?

CHELSEA:
No, Jess. You make me want to kill.
LUCY (STRESSED):
Oh, guys…
JESS:
Now, now. Don't cry, Lucy. I have an idea.
CHELSEA:
You have an idea?

JESS:
I have an idea!

CHELSEA:
Right, bye.

SHE TURNS TO LEAVE.

JESS:
No, you silly billy! Come here! Listen to my idea!

CHELSEA:
If this idea of yours involves Tinky-Winky and three Albanian prostitutes, like your last idea, then no thanks.

JESS:
It was a good idea!

CHELSEA:
I'm sorry, but any idea by the name of “The Whitest Christmas of All” can never be a good one.
JESS:
Don't worry, Chelsea, this idea's much better!

CHELSEA:
Fine, but don't you dare try and run for Council again.

FADE TO:
SCENE 11. INT. LUCY's house - NIGHT
(FLASHBACK)
jess is sitting at a table, drawing up plans for a speech.
CHELSEA APPROACHES HER.

CHELSEA:
What'cha doing? Dare I even ask?
JESS:
I'm writing up my speech! It's gonna be great!

CHELSEA (PROCEEDING TO LIFT THE PAPER FROM THE TABLE):
What you got?

JESS SNATCHES THE PAPER FROM HER HAND, AND SITS ON IT.
JESS:
It's top secret! You can't look! I'm done anyway. I'm going to go and spearhead the competition.

CHELSEA:
What do you mean, Spear--

JESS TAKES SEVERAL SPEARS FROM UNDER THE TABLE, AND DONS A BALAKLAVA.
CHELSEA (IN DISBELIEF):
Oh Lord.
FADE TO:
SCENE 12. INT. lucy's house -DAY 1

the three are sat on the seatee.
JESS:
Don't worry, I won't. Not after last year, anyway. I can still feel their eyes. All over me. Staring me down. The.. the perverts.

THE PHONE RINGS. LUCY RISES TO ANSWER IT, HOWEVER JESS LEAPS UP FROM HER SEAT, SCREAMING, RUNS OVER TO THE PHONE, AND ANSWERS IT HERSELF.

JESS (RECEIVED PRONOUNCIATION):
Hello? Who would it be that is speaking at the other end of the telephone machine, please?

LUCY'S MOTHER (VO):
Lucy, dear? What's happened to your voice?

JESS (RECEIVED PRONOUNCIATION):
Oh no, you silly woman! This would be her acquaintance, Jessica Halton!

LUCY'S MOTHER (VO):
Oh, I see. Well, this is Lucy's mum, can you put ‘er on the line, dear?

JESS GLANCES AT LUCY, APPEARING WORRIED.

LUCY (WHISPERING):
What's wrong? Who is it?

JESS (WHISPERING INTO PHONE, BUT AT LUCY):
It's your mam, Lucy. She wants you for something.

LUCY SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISSAPROVAL, BITING HER BOTTOM LIP. SHE MIMES THE WORD “NO”.
JESS (INTO PHONE, SHE DROPS THE RECEIVED PRONOUNCIATION):
She says no, Mrs Lucy's Mum, sir.

LUCY IS SHOCKED BY THIS, AND DESPERATELY SIGNALS JESS TO MAKE UP AN EXCUSE.

LUCY'S MOTHER (VO):
Oh? Why?

JESS STAMMERS AS SHE ATTEMPTS TO PIECE TOGETHER AN EXCUSE. ALL THREE START TO PANIC.

JESS (INTO PHONE, WORRIED):
She, uh...she…

THEY EXAGGERATE THEIR STATE OF PANIC.

JESS (INTO PHONE):
She's, uh...she's...

THEY CONTINUE TO PANIC.

JESS (INTO PHONE):
She...er...she's dead! Yes! Dead! Got to go now! See you soon! Very happy returns! Hope you enjoy your trip back okay bye now bye!

SHE HANGS UP, SLAMMING THE PHONE DOWN. SHE GASPS FOR AIR. LUCY AND CHELSEA LOOK ON IN ASTONISHMENT.

JESS (SATISFIED WITH HERSELF):
Sorted.

LUCY (VERY ANGRY):
That's not sorted! You told my mum I was dead!

JESS (CONFUSED, SLIGHTLY ANGRY WITH HERSELF):
Well, it was that or… or you'd have had to speak to her! Oh, I'm sorry, Luce, I wasn't thinking!

CHELSEA (ALSO ANGRY):
You never think, you stupid cow!

JESS:
Oh, I know Chelsea, I know! Oh, I've killed Lucy! I've killed Lucy! She's dead, and it's all my fault!

JESS SCREAMS.

CHELSEA:
Calm down, Jess. She's still here.

JESS SLOWLY TURNS HER HEAD IN THE DIRECTION OF LUCY, SCARED. SHE SEES HER, SCREAMS, AND LOCKS HERSELF IN THE TOILET.

JESS (VO):
Run Chelsea! Save yourself! Ghost! Ghost in the building! Run!

CHELSEA:
Lucy isn't a ghost, Jess.

JESS (VO):
Fine, a spirit. Whatever she is, she's still…

SHE SCREAMS.

CHELSEA AND LUCY LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SIGHING.

***

Guys, I'm also thinking of taking out the flashbacks, just thinking of production costs, etc. What does everybody else think?

Cheers,

Phil