Sandwich shop

SANDWICH SHOP. INT. LUNCHTIME.

A MAN IN RAINCOAT IS AT THE COUNTER ABOUT TO BE SERVED BY A FEMALE ASSISTANT.

MAN: Can I have a 6" Italian herb and cheese sub with ham, bra and turkey please.

ASSISTANT: I'm sorry?

MAN: ...and some cheese.

ASSISTANT: Did you say bra?

MAN: Eh?

ASSISTANT: You just asked for a ham, bra and turkey sub.

MAN: Why would I do that?

ASSISTANT: Um, I don't know.

MAN: (IMPATIENT) Can you complete my order please?

ASSISTANT: I'm sorry. (BEAT) Salad?

MAN: Yes please. Can I have onion, pepper and tomato...and some of your lovely panties and jalapinoes - I like it spicy.

ASSISTANT: You did it again!

MAN: What?

ASSISTANT: You asked for my panties.

OTHER CUSTOMERS START MURMURING IN DISGUST

MAN: I did not!

ASSISTANT: I think you better leave.

MAN: What about the dressing?

ASSISTANT: Alright, but be quick.

MAN: Can I have some saucy stockings?

ASSISTANT: No!

THE ASSISTANT THRUSTS THE SUB INTO HIS HANDS AND HE GIVES HER A FIVER.

MAN: Oh well, I'll just have to use my own.

HE PULLS OPEN HIS COAT TO SHOW HIM WEARING A BASQUE, STOCKINGS AND SUSPENDERS. HE TAKES OFF THE STOCKINGS AND PUTS THEM IN THE ROLL.

END

Wait... he eats ladies underwear?

Quote: David Bussell @ April 2 2008, 1:58 PM BST

Wait... he eats ladies underwear?

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It's a sketch - who said it had to be based on reality? I will admit that it is not normal practice but in my perverted world anything is possible. I'm just pleased you got as far as the end!

It's not that the idea is too strange (for me at least), I just feel as though you didn't capitalise on it. For one thing, you didn't even play on the similarity between the words 'Brie' and 'Bra'. Also, the punch was way out there without being particularly funny.

That's a crackerjack script, and funny, and a truly lovely tiwst.

I'd have him not wear the undies though, but rather have them in his pocket.

That way it's absolutely clear that he's no perv, he just eats undies.

Also he could finish with a line like,

Tomorrow I'll be having a big mac fries, and a backless thong a macdonalds instead.

Taking David's idea and Sooty's suggestion, here's a slightly different version. You tell me which you think is better.

SANDWICH SHOP. INT. LUNCHTIME.

A MAN IN RAINCOAT IS AT THE COUNTER ABOUT TO BE SERVED BY A FEMALE ASSISTANT.

MAN: Can I have a 6" Italian herb and cheese sub with ham, bra and turkey please.

ASSISTANT: Did you say bra?

MAN: Eh?

ASSISTANT: You just asked for a ham, bra and turkey sub?

MAN: No, I asked for Brie.

ASSISTANT: (PUZZLED) Oh, I'm sorry. (BEAT) Salad?

MAN: Yes please. Can I have onion, pepper and tomato...and some of your lovely panties and jalapinoes - I like it spicy.

ASSISTANT: You did it again!

MAN: What?

ASSISTANT: You asked for my panties.

OTHER CUSTOMERS START MURMURING IN DISGUST

MAN: I did not! I said anchovies. Lovely anchovies.

THERE'S An UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE

ASSISTANT: (PERPLEXED) Dressing?

MAN: Can I have some saucy stockings?

ASSISTANT: No!

THE ASSISTANT THRUSTS THE SUB INTO HIS HANDS AND HE GIVES HER A FIVER.

MAN: Oh well, I'll just have to use my own.

HE PULLS OUT A PAIR OF STOCKINGS FROM HIS COAT AND PUTS THEM IN THE ROLL.

END

Second one has a better rhythmn

I will Canute like stake my ground, that I think it is funnier if he just likes to eat underwear.

Much better. Don't think you need the assistant saying "No!" at the end. just have her hand him the sub. And Sooty's right - much better to have him pull knickers from his pocket.

IMHO neither is 'funny'.

I can't give a better critique than that as I believe it would require a complete rewrite by me and I obviously share widely different views than some/most/all of the people on here.

Quote: garyd @ April 2 2008, 4:18 PM BST

IMHO neither is 'funny'.

I can't give a better critique than that as I believe it would require a complete rewrite by me and I obviously share widely different views than some/most/all of the people on here.

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Are you a writer? Maybe you'd like to share some of your material so we know what tickles you.