Fortune cookies

PETE IS TALKING TO HIS BOSS

BOSS
Pete you've been working for Simon's local cards for a fortnight now, has every one made you feel welcome/

PETE
Yes sir, most welcome.

BOSS
Well you know all about our little family, hand written cards for local firms. Valentines messages for the florist, get well cards for the hospital. And our latest endeavor, fortune cookies for the local Chinese, the Rampant Dragon. How do you think Mr Han felt when a customer showed him this fortune.

PETE
A woodpecker, will fly up your bum, and peck your brain to pieces. Because you didn't have fish and chips for your tea.

BOSS
Or "an escaped pack of Marmoset's from Dudley Zoo, will tear you pieces, and eat the quivering remains of your carcase. Because you're to good for fish and chips,"

PETE
Not very good, sorry boss.

BOSS
What shop does your dad run in the town?

PETE
Eeer, the chippy.

BOSS
Now Pete, have you been having some troubles in your personal life?

PETE
Er what makes you say that?

BOSS
This valentine card you wrote.
"Roses are red, violets are blue, I really love you. Unless your Shelley from the chippy, you're supposed to be dating Pete, not getting valentines from Barry. You fat moon faced, cow. Barry's got a cock shaped like a mushroom, with a wart on it,"

PETE
Does this mean I'm sacked, I really liked it here.

BOSS
Sacked, you're going to get promoted. Your mixture of immature threats, rubbish jokes, and complete disconnection from the real world. You're Boris Johnson's new speech writer.

Sorry if I'm not up to speed on the etiquette for this part of the forum but here goes!

I like it a lot, it's very funny and has a strong punchline. However I guess if this is to be constructive I'll point out a couple of things I didn't like.

The first one probably isn't relevant if this is for radio, which you didn't specify.

1. The set up where exposition has been added to the dialogue, would it be better to show where Pete and the Boss are rather than have him spell it out?

2. If it's to lead to a the punchline I would think it better to make it a bit more confrontational with the boss coming in with complaints, to that end should the boss be saying what's in the fortune cookies, so Pete can be a bit more apologetic or defensive about it?

3. The punchline, the first sentence spoils the joke "Sacked, you're going to get promoted." as soon as that's said what follows looses its impact. Much better, in my opinion, to drop that first sentence, keep the spirit of the second and just add something like congratulations to the actual punchline sentence.

You can always read the forum rules, but thats about the best critique I've received to date, and will be applying most of it.

Thanks Vic

n.b. the line about the cardshop. It's clunky but I often find, one sentence to say exactly where it is, and who people are helps with these short skits.

You're right about the last line, it is a bit badoom tish.

Quote: sootyj @ March 30, 2008, 1:36 PM

PETE
A woodpecker, will fly up your bum, and peck your brain to pieces. Because you didn't have fish and chips for your tea.

View original

I specialise in writing convoluted physical threats and this line won my heart.