Perfect Match

VICAR PINCHUM, AMY, JAKE. IN CHURCH. VICAR PINCHUM PREACHING TO A CONGREGATION. HE’S AN AGGRESSIVE, MAD, HELL-FIRE PREACHER.

VICAR:What has happened to us! Weddings at their lowest level ever! Imagine - my own daughter can’t find a husband! But God will provide! Come here, Amy.

AMY, VERY UNATTRACTIVE, SHUFFLES ON IN WEDDING DRESS.

I need a volunteer. SILENCE. Jake.

JAKE:QUIETLY Um...I’m gay.

VICAR:QUIETLY If you marry Amy, no-one will know.

JAKE:I’ll know.

VICARex has nothing to do with marriage. You shouldn’t do it before and, unless you’re extremely unusual, you won’t after.

JAKE:No.

VICAR:Anyway, the Bible encourages gay marriage.

JAKE:Is this some new Californian translation?

VICAR:It believes gays should get married.

JAKE:That’s not quite the same thing, is it?.

VICARYes, it is.

JAKE:It isn’t.

VICAR:Amy, fancy some treacle dip?

He pushes them together.

AMY:I won’t marry him if he’s gay.

VICARon’t be so intolerant. Dearly beloved, we are gathered here...

FADE INTO WEDDING MARCH.

It's a good idea, but it founders on the guy confessing straight out.

I'd make try and avoid saying it at first, and then the vicar could say,

"I know she's ugly but you're used to shagging them from behind?"

Not too sure about that one.

Read it again myself just now and thought it was sh*t. Funny, this morning it seemed great- anyone else get that experience? Would help to know what you thought was wrong- if not everything.

Quote: sue lenier @ March 29, 2008, 9:31 AM

JAKE:I’m gay.

VICAR:If you marry Amy, no-one will know.

JAKE:I’ll know.

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This line doesn't work, because EVERYONE who was in the church would know he's gay. Perhaps bring some other characters into it. Other choices maybe. Move on from the gay bloke to another unsuitable one. Maybe have somebody volunteer and the vicar turns them down. Then have him think sod it and drag that person up at the end.

I think it could work, just needs a little time spent on it.

Thanks, that's helpful. Originally had him turning on from Amy to another guy for Jake, who protests because he's straight. Also had a line earlier so the conversation was private:
VICAR "Come into my vestibule"

JAKE "Sorry, don't find you attractive"

Liked the joke but it didn't make sense.

Quote: sue lenier @ March 29, 2008, 6:45 PM

Funny, this morning it seemed great- anyone else get that experience?

View original

Yes, it's the shittest thing about being a comedy writer. Best thing to do is not post your work straight away, just sit on it for a few days/weeks and then see what it does for you when you pick it up again.

have Jake turn to her at the end and say

Jake; I don't suppose you take it up the bum?

Quote: wayne lewis @ March 29, 2008, 7:05 PM

This line doesn't work, because EVERYONE who was in the church would know he's gay.

View original

This isn't real life you know. They could be talking quietly.

Quote: sue lenier @ March 29, 2008, 6:45 PM

Read it again myself just now and thought it was sh*t. Funny, this morning it seemed great- anyone else get that experience? Would help to know what you thought was wrong- if not everything.

View original

That is always the way though. One day it's great, the next it's not. Just make you post it on a good day.

And by the way - has Jake complained about this yet?

The two other bits I took out were a reference to Jake "speaks quietly"
and a reference to "fancy some treacle dip"- ie takes it up the bum.

Maybe put them in? But I'm beginning to hate this sketch...

You're absolutely right about leaving them for a few days then looking to see if they're OK. Expect the next post around Xmas.

It's a god skit, that founders on a couple of bits that slow it up.

It could work well.

Sue,

This is as good as a lot on here.

If they whispered then no one else, not even Amy, would know.

When Jake tells the Vicar he's gay you can have the Vicar hesitant and spluttering or that type of reaction but he carries on regardless out of desperation.

And I'd take out any reference to the physical act, e.g.
"VICAR: Amy, fancy some treacle dip?". Then becomes course instaed of clever.

IMHO.