F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank apiss please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Otterfox
1 - Gappy, Me
Next topic: Fruity (chosen by Gappy)
Leg closed: 12.4.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 13 - Otterfox
2 - 7 - Gappy
3 - 3 - Me
4 - 1 - APlate
TY:Amazing, I love the moistness of the sponge, and I was worried that the icing might be too over-powering, but I was wrong, it balances perfectly. Well done.
RANO:Thanks, thanks so much.
SAURUS: And I really like your take on a fruit salad-style sauce, the apples are just stewed perfectly, with a tiny bit of mungent give when you bite them. Perhaps, though, the orange is a little gloopy - I mean, it's pleasant in its way, but compared to the apple, I'm not sure.
RANO:I don't know what to say.
SAURUS: Don't take it too hard, it was a great set piece, hats off.
RANO:No, I'm not upset, I just....I don't know what you mean.
SAURUS:It's just a, let's say, small criticism of an outstanding baker.
RANO:It's no help to me, that statement.
TY:It's meaningless.
SUARUS: Sorry, John?
TY:You compared apples to oranges. You can't do that, it's nonsense.
RANO:They're literally the two things in the world you can't compare.
SAURUS:I don't understand.
TY: See where your madness has got you. Apples; oranges; no feasible logical way in which they could be related to each other, qualitatively speaking.
SAURUS:I think that there is a way of comparing apples to oranges and that I just did it.
RANO:Think again.
TY:Think of a comparison.
SAURUS:In what sense?
RANO:Comparing zinc sulphate with Mark Thatcher.
TY: Perfect. Comparing zinc sulphate with Mark Thatcher is a million times more sensible that comparing apples to oranges. Which can't be done.
SAURUS:But didn't you just-
RANO: Before you say it, John compared comparing apples and oranges, he didn't compare apples with oranges, because he's not a spunk muzzler.
TY:You spunk muzzler.
SAURUS: Shall we move on?
TY:Yes, of course. Now, Janice's pavlova was a glory, out of this world. Truly, Janice, your dessert this week is like nothing else on earth.
SAURUS:And last week's was just the same.
SFX: SLAP
SAURUS: Ouch! That hurt! What are you like?
FRUIT 66
PUB.
TOM, bored... Enter DICK, manic, flapping arms etc.
DICK Tom! Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom...
TOM (yawns) Whoever is he after now?
DICK Shut up... I've got this great new hobby. It's marvellous, it's stpendiferous, it's - pretty good, actually.
TOM Your last hobby was improvised theatre...
DICK Ah, that was last decade.
TOM It collapsed.
DICK Not my fault the string broke... Anyway, shut up. I've got this great new game. Wanna hear?
TOM Do I have a choice?
DICK (thinks) No... Now, you think of a fruit.
TOM Mango.
DICK All right. (starts to leave)
TOM No - that's the name of the fruit.
DICK Right...
TOM All right. (takes out pen)
DICK Shut up. Now you think of a fruit...
TOM Mango.
DICK Yes, but you don't tell me.
TOM Well, it's too late.
DICK Yes, but say I don't know...
TOM Mango! I told you.
DICK Shut up. You think of a fruit and I have to guess.
TOM Okay... Why?
DICK Because - oh, just shut up and think.
TOM Okay...
DICK Well?
TOM Well, what?
DICK Did you think?
TOM Yes.
DICK Good. Now is this fruit...?
TOM Oh, think about a fruit? You didn't tell me to...
DICK Just do it, Knob-features.
TOM Okay... Can I have mango again?
DICK No.
TOM Not even a different mango?
DICK No... Ready? And no mangoes.
TOM Okay.
DICK Now, is it a fruit?
TOM Well, obviously, yes.
DICK Just warming up...
TOM No, you eat it cold.
DICK Shut up, Penis-fart... Now, is it red?
TOM No. It's a bit mouldy because someone left it in the fridge and didn't eat it. It's a disgrace, isn't it? All those starving kids in the world and...
DICK Shut up.
TOM Yes, Dick. Sorry, Dick.
DICK Now, is it red?
TOM It was. Only, like I said...
DICK Shut up, Balls-for-ears... Is it big?
TOM None of your business.
DICK The fruit.
TOM Well, it was. Like I said...
DICK Is it popular?
TOM Poplar? No, that's a tree.
DICK I meant, is it common?
TOM Quite.
DICK Okay. (silence)
TOM Give up?
DICK No, there's so much to live for... Peach?
TOM You're not so bad, yourself.
DICK Currant?
TOM I try to keep up to date, yes.
DICK Ugli?
TOM Well, take a look in the mirror, George bleedin' Clooney.
DICK Shut up... Okay, I give up.
TOM Tomato.
DICK That's not a fruit.
TOM Yes, it is. In the words of my biology teacher, 'It's a f**king fruit, you ignorant little f**ks.'
DICK Ah, you don't know how to play this game.
TOM Sorry. Let's forget about it and listen to music instead.
TOM takes out Iphone - it plays, 'Tutti frutti'. DICK throws it at him.
Presenter:
And now it's time for some meditation with Causland Daly...
Causland:
Now, this time of year I like to surround myself with the fruits of the season, and every other season. We have some tropical fruits like avocado, banana and pineapple, along with some winter berries like cranberry, sloe and winterberry.
Smelling fruit can be very therapeutic. I spent ten days smelling a prune recently and I can say that I was definitely therapeutatised. Now...if I can ask you to Causland yourself into a comfortable position amongst your fruit, and close your eyes. Slowly breathe in through your mangoes (inhale) and out through your tangerines (exhale).
Now, if you can imagine yourself in a fruit field, filled with vast arrays of nothing. In your minds eye, hear a fruit. Any fruit that you can think of, but let it be a blueberry. Now listen to the gentle whistle of the fig, the whirring of a pomegranate, even the psychoactive haze of the passion fruit.
Smell the smell that would be yours if all of these smells were the smells of those fruits that surrounded you. Now think of the fruits that surround you physically and contrast all the smells, nasally. Breathe in deeply, let your inhale float to the top of your head and hold it in the lungs of your brain. Fill your mind with elderberries and grapefruit and even a hint of watermelon, if there's room. And now imagine a different fruit. Let the breath air of this fruit air fill your mind to Bausland point. Hold this air in your head....and release it through your Fauslands.
As you exhale release any burdens upon you. An apple weighing on your heart, an encumberment of a cucumberment or even the drag of an overripe grausland.
Now one last soft, sharp, slow, suck in. Encompass all the fruit you can muster, nasally. Grab as much fruit smell as you can air smell, and bring it to the midpoint of your brain point. (Struggling) (laboured) ...all the fruits of the forest. If you can't find any, find some quick, and bring that up to the very point of bauslands. Now bring it a bit further up to the top of the tips of the pips of your brain and up, up, up beyond Causlandpoint and...
Fx: collapse. Smashing through table.
All good... Otterfox.
Michael
It's the Monkhouse for me too.
Yeah, I'll go Monkhausen. I liked the absurdity of gappy's though, and Otterfox's peculiarities go without saying!
I just hate that "you can't compare apples with oranges" line people so often come out with. This is one of those sketches that is more cathartic for me than funny you!