F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - Otterfox
1 - Gappy, me
Next topic: War and Peace
Leg closed: 10.3.25
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 6 - Otterfox
2 - 4 - Gappy
3 - 1 - Aplate, Me
RINGO CALL
TV STUDIO.
PRESENTER.
PRESENTER Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and that, and welcome to this morning's 'The World Tonight.' In this afternoon's show it gives me the most enormous - I can't believe I'm still doing that joke. So this noon I'd like to introduce one of the world's best-loved celebrities, a top drummer and all-round good bloke. But here's Ringo instead.
Enter RINGO (giving peace sign) to one clap.
RINGO Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Good morrow, Ringo - or can I call you Ringo.
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Now everyone's always asking about that group, and I don't mean the Spice Girls.
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER But first, like a priest, I'd like to concentrate on when you were a kid.
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Like me after twenty-seven pints and a chicken curry, it was a tough upbringing...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER You were ill for many years, which affected your education...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER But you discovered a love for music and soon you were touring the UK, Hamburg and Stoke with covers of the world's coolest rock 'n' roll artists, and Buddy Holly...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Until that fateful call from John Lennon, inviting you to join the Beatles, who would of course go on to become...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER It must've been a double blow, like my mother after twenty-seven pints, for original drummer Pete Best. Not only was he sacked, but he was replaced by you.
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER But within a year, Beatlemania was...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER And after the band split, contrary to expectations, you enjoyed a solo...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Though the eighties was a tough period, as you battled alcoholism and...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER But now you're back on form, with...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER In fact, you're currently...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER And you've just...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER And you...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER And...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Because...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER So...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PAUSE.
RINGO gives peace sign; looks at him.
PRESENTER Will you stop saying 'Peace and...?'
RINGO (giving peace sign) '... Love man, peace and love.'
PRESENTER (sighs) Well I've got your new album here. It's called, 'Peace...'
RINGO (giving peace sign) ... And love....
PRESENTER Man!
RINGO (giving peace sign) 'Peace and love.'.
PRESENTER And your long-awaited autobiography, entitles...
RINGO (giving peace sign) 'Peace and love man, peace and love.'
PRESENTER I've read the first chapter, named 'Peace and love, man. Peace and love.'
RINGO (nods, giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER So do you have a final message for your fans?
RINGO (thinks) Yeah, I'm not giving any more autographs, you assholes.
PRESENTER Not a great loss is it, if you write the way you play drums?
RINGO (holds up hand, giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Right, that's all for today. Peace out - I mean...
RINGO (giving peace sign) Peace and love man, peace and love.
PRESENTER Oh, peace off.
JOHANN: Seb, can I tempt you into a coffee?
SEBASTIAN: No time, I'm afraid. I have to read this report.
JOHANN: Not like you to be diligent.
SEBASTIAN: Very funny; remind me to chuckle at the end of the financial quarter.
JOHANN: What's got into you?
SEBASTIAN: I asked young Jenkins for a brief options appraisal on the proposals regarding car-parking strategy, and he's handed in bloody War & Peace!
JOHANN: Long is it?
SEBASTIAN: Famously. It's also in Russian.
JOHANN: Yeah sure. But it's a classic.
SEBASTIAN: Classic it might be, but a thousand-page investigation into the battle between reason and instinct in human activity doesn't help in deciding on pay-and-display pricing in West Sevenoaks.
JOHANN: It might help if you view nature as a vast and unfeeling backdrop against which the characters stumble and then you'll start seeing both Napoleon and a peasant PoW as actors in the same meaningless human farce, which might help to decide whether it's worth hiring traffic wardens on Sundays.
SEBASTIAN: Oh, you can sit there and talk about the big themes of one of Europe's greatest novels in the hope that they'll ultimately suggest whether electric charging points might make extra revenue, but they don't! I simply can't adapt Pierre Bezukhov's actions as guidance on yellow-line placement, and believe me I've tried.
JOHANN: Err...you know Pierre Bezukhov and Pyotr Kirilovich are the same person, right?
SEBASTIAN: What? No! Oh, God, this report is useless!
JOHANN: I know what you mean. Jenkins compiled a paper for me about public opinion regarding a roundabout to the north of the nature reserve.
SEBASTIAN: And that was stupidly long too, was it?
JOHANN: No, admirably concise...I'm just not sure whether the opinions of Sevenoaks are best captured by this one old man from Nantucket.
Assistant:
Mr. President, our neighbouring country Oslandia is ready to go to war over this. They believe that the mysterious old ship we discovered was in their waters, not ours and they feel that they are rightfully entitled to investigate.
President:
No dice.
Assistant:
They are willing to compromise and have suggested that both us and them send a joint party to investigate.
President:
No way. The ship was discovered at Jutport Point which, since the Treaty of Valagascar, is in our waters.
Assistant:
If you do not agree to their terms they say they will have no choice but to end peace and go in the opposite direction...
President:
Opposite direction?
Assistant:
War sir.
President:
It's just so hard to know with them. They do everything backwards and weird.
Assistant:
Oh, do you mean like, for example, how they swim?
President:
As one example, yes. They swim on the sand for heavens sake. I believe that they even have a song about it?
Assistant:
They do Mr. President...
'In our land of Oslandia we splash on dry land.
We always avoid water, instead using sand.
Even in rivers we like to keep silent.
And then land on the bank with a splash oh so violent.
President:
They also cycle cars and walk on walls instead of paths.
Assistant:
Yes sir, and only go fishing when the lakes are covered in ice.
President:
So we need to prove that this ship is belonging to our ancestors and not their stupid ones. If we can do that, we can convince those idiots that the ship rightfully ours and avoid this whole nonsense.
Assistant:
We have already recovered this chest from the ship sir. It sounds like it's full of books.
President:
Excellent! If we look through the books and establish that they're not full of crazy rubbish then we'll know they're ours.
Assistant:
Here they are sir: Huckleberry Finn, Anna Karenina, War and Peace...
President:
Haha!! Proof! All perfectly normal books. Nothing about wasps opening a bakery or envelopes going to the dentist or even a balloon being sent to prison for a crime he didn't commit. Instruct our team to inform those idiots that they can go back to witch tennis and dinner dances for foxes. The ship is ours.
Fx: rubbing hands with glee.
Assistant:
Ah, Mr. President. I've just read the blurbs on the back of these books and-and...we'll...I'll, I'll read them out to you:
Crime and Punishment:
Steve Crime & Jim Punishment are maverick police detectives. Their tough, no-nonsense approach means they are the talk of the force. This pair certainly take no prisoners - except, of course for the ones the arrest.
Huckleberry Finn:
A crack team go on the search for the perfect rhyme for Suckleferry Chin.
Ann Karen's name mysteriously turns Russian overnight. In a dramatic race against time she must find a quick solution if she ever wants her title to be restored. For now, at least she is Anna Karenina.
An indecisive king is asked if he wishes to continue fighting or call a truce. His answer is War and Peace.
President:
Well......shit.
END.
Otterfox
Otterfox.
Slightly unsure about the overall shape of Otterfox's, but any sketch that contains the words "Steve Crime & Jim Punishment are maverick police detectives" deserves my vote, very funny.
Quote: gappy @ 11th March 2025, 3:40 PMSlightly unsure about the overall shape of Otterfox's, but any sketch that contains the words "Steve Crime & Jim Punishment are maverick police detectives" deserves my vote, very funny.
Mine might have been a little uneven alright. I had the alternative blurbs for famous books written for a while and I also the little rhyme of splashing on dry land and then I tried to mould an idea around those ideas.
It's a close call this week between the two sketches. They both had parts I liked. Mikes commentary on Ringo's annoying persistence of sticking to the hippyesque beliefs six decades after they were popular, and Gappys impressive alignment of war and peace and a car park.
Mikey this week, just.