F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate and Gappy for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - APlate, Gappy
1 - Otterfox
Next topic: Religion (chosen by APlate)
Leg closed: 20.11.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 4 APlate
2 2 Gappy, Otterfox
3 1 me
OLD SPICE
CHURCH.
VICAR and CONGREGATION:
VICAR Dearly beloved, and you, we are gathered here today to pay plumage to England's greatest music: the Beatles, Pink Floyd, Spice Ladies... That was a joke. Pink Floyd bore the crap outa me. So, like Father Jenkins during Tellie Tubbies, all rise and let us spray:
Ah, Ginger,
Whose arse is Heaven,
Wallow in thy fame.
'Wannabe''s fun,
'Mama' was dung,
But worth a wank or seven.
Give us 'Stop', 'Say You Will Be There'
And then give us 'Spice Up Your Life',
And we'll forgive you that 'Headlines', what a mess.
Then 'Two Become One' had us ravin',
But that 'Headlines' was evil.
While thine are the Scary,
The Ginger and the Sporty,
So Viva Forever,
Women.
A CHRISTIAN RUN CAMP IN THE GRAMPIANS FOR YOUNG DISADVANTAGED BOYS
GROUP LEADER VICAR After you've scaled that mountain you can then go into that farmer's field and dig up a hundred potatoes for this evening's camp dinner, then start peeling them, and when you've completed all those tasks come into my tent for your reward.
10 YEAR OLD Okay, Vicar.
LATER THAT EVENING, STUMBLES INTO VICAR'S TENT, EXHAUSTED
(exhausted) Okay I've completed all my tasks. Can I have my reward now?
VICAR Yes yes of course, well done boy. Okay drop your your shorts and bend over. Good.
FX Whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack, whack etc...
SAME THING IS REPEATED EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK WITH A DIFFERENT BOY
A WEEK LATER, CANTERBURY CATHEDRAL
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY Weeble, it's reported you perved, abused and thrashed every boy at the camp last week and left them traumatised for life and in fear of the church. Can you on solemn oath to God deny that any of this is true?
VICAR No your holiness, it is all true.
ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY Hmm, okay Weeble, then I have no alternative but to promote you to the exalted position of the Bishop of Winchester, where no one will question a moment of your past. I'll have you consecrated there nest week.
VICAR Oh thank you, your most gracious holiness. I look forward to meeting the choirboys.
JOSH: Hey, Matt, what are you giving up for Lent?
MATT: Your mum.
JOSH: What?
MATT: Yep, giving the nightly mum pumping a break. No more of that sweet maternal action. To be honest with you, I need a rest, she's a beast.
JOSH: Are you looking for a broken face, chum?
MATT: No, no, Josh, chill out, don't hit me. I'm not really giving up your mum - but I am giving up being polite.
JOSH: You're giving up being polite for Lent?
MATT: Yep. 40 days of saying badarse shit to people. And their mums.
JOSH: That's not very Christian, Matt. Lent is supposed to make you more Christian.
MATT: Oh, right. So what are you giving up?
JOSH: Being a Jew.
MATT: Oh, that's clever.
KEITH ANSWERS HIS FRONT DOOR, TO TWO MISSIONARIES
PAUL: Ah good morning, sir. We're here to talk to you about...
KEITH: (sighs) Oh, good God almighty...
PAUL: That's the fella! Ha! Ha! Anyway, I am Paul, and this is John.
JOHN: Don't worry, though, we're not going to start singing! (laughs) We're not The Beatles! (laughs again) Sorry, just my little joke.
PAUL: Yes, we prepared a funny joke for you this morning, sir! I bet you thought that missionaries didn't have a sense of humour, didn't you, sir! Well, we've proved you wrong!
JOHN: Yes, we can have fun just like normal people. You know, normal people like you, sir, who don't believe in anything, and will therefore burn in Hell, like the worthless heathens they are.
KEITH: Hang on, that's a bit rude, innit? I thought people like you were supposed to preach peace and love?
JOHN: I already told you, we're not The Beatles. We are missionaries. Shall I do my other joke, Paul?
PAUL: (TO KEITH) Oh yes, this is frightfully good, sir. You'll like this one.
JOHN: (clears throat) Um... Oh, I can't remember it now. It was something about 'assuming the missionary position', anyway. It was a sexual reference, sir.
PAUL: Ha! That was a bit risque, wasn't it, sir! I bet you thought that missionaries didn't make sexual references. Well, we've proved you wrong again, sir!
JOHN: Yes, it doesn't seem to be your day, does it, sir? In fact, if you don't mind me saying so, you'll making an absolute fool out of yourself, sir, with your outdated Pagan prejudices against our fine organisation.
KEITH: Er... Well, what is your organisation, then? J.W.s, are you? Or the other lot?
JOHN: Um... Oh, I can't remember now. Paul, are we the weird ones, or the REALLY weird ones?
PAUL: I don't think it matters, John. We ALL believe in the same God.
JOHN: Unfortunately, not EVERYONE believes in the same God, of course. For instance, THIS cunt (points at Keith) doesn't believe in anything!
KEITH: Now, hang on a minute...
PAUL: Right, I've had enough of his blasphemy. Get him, John.
NEXT SCENE: KEITH IS TIED TO A LARGE CROSS, IN HIS DRIVEWAY. JOHN AND PAUL ARE DANCING AROUND IT, WEARING ONLY THEIR PANTS, AND PAPER HATS
WOMAN WITH YOUNG SON WALKS PAST
SON: Mummy, look at those Bible bashers!
MOTHER: Yes, how nice, it looks like they do celebrate Christmas after all!
SON: Yes, they've certainly proved us wrong!
EVERYONE LAUGHS, EXCEPT KEITH, WHO IS NONE TOO HAPPY
gappy this time I think
Gappy.
I'm Plating this week, but great to see occasional player Alfred back on the list.