F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to APlate for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
2 - APlate
1 - Otterfox, me
Next topic: Animals
Leg closed: 9.11.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 2 APlate
1 1 Otterfox, me
Birthday Spice Girl 1 - 9.11.24
HENRY ENTERS BUILDING, AND SEES WOMAN WITH NAME BADGE 'TINA'.
HENRY: Good afternoon. My name is Henry Apples. I'm here for the interview about the zookeepers job.
TINA: Right. Well, this is Asda. We're a supermarket.
HENRY: Are we? I don't remember agreeing to that.
TINA: No. I don't mean that me and you are a supermarket. But this is a supermarket that you're in. Didn't you see the sign outside? That said 'Asda' in big letters?
HENRY: Of course. But the actual zoo is way up in Edinburgh! In Scotland, no less.
TINA: OK...
HENRY: Well, that's miles away! Whereas this 'supermarket' you keep burbling on about is much closer. It's only ten minutes walk from my house. So, I thought it'd be more convenient to have the job interview here.
TINA: But nobody here works at a zoo! Asda hasn't got anything to do with zoos! We sell groceries.
HENRY: Come on, you must have an animal or two somewhere.
TINA: No, there aren't any animals here. Unless you count these..?
(SHE HOLDS UP A PACKET OF FUCKEN 'PENGUIN' CHOCOLATE BARS)
HENRY: Well, that was so funny that I've gone to the toilet in my trousers. Now, what about this job interview?
TINA: Um... We don't have any vacancies for a sales assistant at the moment.
HENRY: No, for the zookeeper's job! Do keep up, woman, for Christ's sake.
TINA: (sighs) If I interview you for a zoo keeper's job, even though this is a supermarket and nothing to do with zoos or animals, then will you leave and never return?
HENRY: Sure!
TINA: All right then. Um... So, what do you think of... I dunno, giraffes?
HENRY: Well, apparently they've got long necks so they can eat stuff from the top of trees. But I've never understood that, because humans don't have knives and forks for hands, do we?
TINA: Well, that's true. OK, that concludes the interview, Henry. Thanks for your time.
SHE GOES TO SHAKE HIS HAND, THEN NOTICES HIS HAND IS A FORK
TINA: What the..?
HENRY: Haha, I thought that'd surprise you. And what about THIS..?
HIS NECK EXTENDS, TO RESEMBLE SOME SORT OF HUMANOID/GIRAFFE-ISH ABOMINATION OF GOD'S CREATION
FADE TO BLACK
CRUELTY TO VEGETABLES
TOM and DICK in the pub.
TOM Y'know, Dick...
DICK I'm not gay, if that's what you...
TOM Shut up... I'm a tad concerned about something you said last year.
DICK Go on.
TOM You said there wasn't enough room to swing a cat... And you shouldn't swing cats. Is bad.
DICK That's just an expression, you tart. Of course I'm not gonna take a moggie, attach it to string and swoosh it around like a - well, like a cat, really.
TOM I suppose not. Not enough room... Then you said, Hold yer horses. And I think our equine friends are perfectly able to lead their own lives of proud dignity, without interference from...
DICK Stop.
TOM Yes, Dick. Sorry, Dick.
DICK I meant, that's another expression. It means, Stop.
TOM I did.
DICK Y'know, Stop, maybe I've got bigger fish to fry...
TOM There you go again. You know I'm a vegan.
DICK Or butterflies in your stomach...
TOM I told you, I'm...
DICK Or kill two birds with one stone...
TOM I feel ill.
DICK They're just expressions, knobwit. Like a wild goose chase, or taking the bull by the horns or letting the cat out of the bag...
TOM Is that before or after you swing it around, you fiend?
DICK Or leading a horse to water...
TOM Leave the poor thing alone.
DICK Or hung like a horse...
TOM You brute.
DICK Flogging a dead horse...
TOM Hold yer - I mean, stop it.
DICK Lamb to the slaughter, as mad as a wrongly shot dog, cat gets your tongue and is killed by curiosity among the pigeons talking the hind legs off that horse...
TOM You don't understand, do you? If there's one thing I can't stand, it's cruelty to animals.
DICK Ah, I'm sick of this. What's in the news? (takes out phone, reads) A hundred innocent men killed by terrorists.
TOM (shrugs)
MAJOR: Gentlemen, the situation is simple: we have created a superb missile to defeat German warships - the pinnacle of aerodynamic design with the deadliest warheads yet produced - but we've not worked out how to aim it. I know this sounds like a pretty unlikely scenario, but that's why I've reminded you all of it right at the start of the meeting. Any ideas?
PILLBROW: I've got a plan, sir.
MAJOR: Capital, Pillbrow, let's hear it.
PILLBROW: The missile should be piloted, sir.
MAJOR: Suicide missions? Will there be enough suicidal volunteers?
PILLBROW: Oh no, sir. The missiles are too small for people.
MAJOR: Oh, yes! Midgets! They're expendable. Good idea.
PILLBROW: No, not midgets, sir.
MAJOR: No, no, fair enough. Besides, I do like their juggling. That's the main reason I'm fighting this war, to be honest, to defend British juggling traditions.
PILLBROW: As are we all, sir. No, I thought we could train hedgehogs to fly the missiles.
MAJOR: Hedgehogs? Is it possible to train hedgehogs? I've never heard of anyone managing to train a hedgehog.
PILLBROW: Me neither - so the enemy will never suspect. I've drawn up some proposals, you can see them in the dossier I passed out before the meeting. It's entitled "Project Hedgehogs".
GOUGH: Oh!
MAJOR: Oh, look, there is someone else here, I thought there must be.
GOUGH: That's right, sir. There are 3 of us in this meeting.
MAJOR: [To self] I should probably get a bigger think tank together next time.
GOUGH: My sentiments exactly, sir. Anyway: Oh, Project Hedgehogs! I see. I thought it was Pro*ject* Hedgehogs.
PILLBROW: Oh, yes, I can see how you made that mistake.
[Light chuckles]
MAJOR: No, no, no. We can't call the project Project Hedgehogs. What sort of codename is that?
PILLBROW: Codename, sir?
MAJOR: Yes! Godalming, gentlemen, we can't call the project Project Hedgehogs because then everyone will know that the project is a project about hedgehogs.
GOUGH: And how about Project Pro*ject* Hedgehogs?
MAJOR: Even worse - then everyone will know it's a project about projecting and about hedgehogs, and it won't take Gerry long to put 2 and 2 together. All projects need a codename. I mean, take Project Appearance, Project Atmosphere, Project Begum and Project Breach - which are the first 4 projects we've undertaken in the African theatre when listed alphabetically, and would therefore be the first 4 someone would see if they looked at a sort of freely available list at some point in the future - gentlemen, they weren't about appearances, and atmospheres and begum, were they? Although I don't know what a begum is.
PILLBROW: A begum is a female higher official in Turkey.
MAJOR: Good. Well, I suspect they might put that fact on the free list, too. But, the point is, name your project after something it's not. Project Something-The-Project-Isn't, that's the rule of thumb with projects.
PILLBROW: And does everyone follow that rule, sir?
MAJOR: Oh, gosh, yes - standard military practice.
PILLBROW: So, here's my idea: why don't we name the project Project Hedgehogs - because then the enemy will think the one thing the project isn't is a project about hedgehogs.
GOUGH: Or Project Project Pro*ject* Hedgehogs.
PILLBROW: Even better.
MAJOR: [Musing] Project Project Pro*ject* Hedgehogs, Project Project Pro*ject* Hedgehogs. Do you know, that might just work!
SFX: Old style phone ring
MAJOR: Hello. Oh, really? Well, blow me down.
SFX: Phone into cradle
Gentlemen, we can forget the project - Germany has just surrendered.
ALL: Hoorah!
MAJOR: So, no need to complete our projected project, Project Project Hedgehogs
GOUGH: Project Project Pro*ject* Hedgehogs.
MAJOR: Do be quiet, that man. Nope, this project is over.
PILLBROW: We could use the project to project hedgehogs at the Japanese, sir.
MAJOR: Oh, screw it, let's just nuke them.
Good stuff gents. I'll vote gappy, all that pronunciation/emphasis stuff could've been tricky to get across in written form but it worked.
Plate point from me.
Gappy.
Flip! I read the finish date as 11th.
Just finished mine now. Here it is anyway...
Samuel:
Now, most of you know night, right? The nighttime? Why we're in it right now. You may also then, be familiar with the sounds of the night. Foxes, owls, crickets, distant dogs, the lot. But what if I were to say the word 'Waterdaughter', and then precede it with the word 'Ronnie' and then expand on those words to say Ronnie Waterdaughter is here; and to make the sentence whole; I'm joined now by
Ronnie Waterdaughter who is going to talk to us about the sounds of the night. And for those who are going to be shocked with what he has to say, be prepare to be surprised. Mr. Waterdaughter, tell us what you do.
Ronnie:
I'm what's known as a nighttime sounder. It's a little known fact that everything goes silent at nighttime but people would find this very unnerving. So, for hundreds of years, me and others like me have run around under the cloak of darkness making random noises to keep people sane.
Samuel:
Let me get this straight, the night doesn't make noises so you make the noises that the night doesn't make?
Ronnie:
Exactly right and exactly correct.
Samuel:
But what if say, a fox actually did make a sound?
Ronnie:
Oh there's no such thing as a fox.... You don't know the half of whats not going on and the half of when.
Samuel:
The half of when?
Ronnie:
Yes, that's what they call us - The Half of When.... Sorry, no, we're called The Midnight Hexlers.
Samuel:
The Midnight Hexlers?
Ronnie:
I'm afraid I am sworn to secrecy. I cannot reveal a thing.
Samuel:
But you've already told me.
BEAT.
Ronnie:
...my speciality is a cricket. I find a nice comfy spot in the undergrowth outside someone's house and chirrup away for ages.
Samuel:
Ok Waterdaughter, I'm still onboard for now but at the same time I don't believe a word that's coming out of your mouth. I need proof. How do you make the cricket sound? Do it. Now.
Ronnie:
I need to warm up my jaws... and then I start rubbing my knees together.
FX. Cricket sound.
Samuel:
That could be anyone making that sound.
Ronnie:
Yes but it's me.
Samuel:
Ok then. I thought you might get cocky about it so I made a list of nighttime noises of my own. This is a simple test to see if you are who you say you are or just a big fat nighttime hoax. Yeah, not so much a Midnight Hexler as a Midnight Hoaxler. Haha! Now that's how you do humour jokes, yeah! Anyway, back to my disprovement of Ronnie, Waterdaughter, I want you to make the sound of a falling leaf in a nighttime park; a clock turning 3:27...am; and darkness descending; and for good measure, temperature dropping....
Silence.
Samuel:
Fascinating so far I must say....just as I thought. From a midnight hoaxler to a nighttime nothing. Both of those insults are aimed at you Waterdaughter.
Ronnie:
That's impossible. All those noises are silent. It's like asking me to do fog. It's impossible.
Samuel:
Your story is impossible. What I'm saying are actual things. Peddle your crickets elsewhere. Here on the late night Night Gordon we know a thing or two about night and you're never anywhere to be seen or heard. Get out of the sight of the sick of the sound and tired of you.
Ronnie:
What?
Samuel:
Get off my show!
Ronnie:
This is what you do. Anyone you disagree with or can't prove their point you hunt them off your show. I've heard your show before Gordon.
Samuel:
And I never heard you at all.
Ronnie:
Grr!!! (Angry intense cricket, owl and fox noises)
End.
A Plate for me this time.
Otterfox
That's the spirit.
Yes, giving him some sort of recognition for his supposedly non scoring effort I think is. Good evening. Good morning.