F**king Hell! C**segnalazioni to Otterfox for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Meanwhilst..
3 - Otterfox
1 - Me
Next topic: Health
Leg closed: 29.10.24
Runners are nowt...
Position Score Name
1 - 9 - Me
2 - 7 - APlate
3 - 6 - Gappy
4 - 5 - Otterfox
PYSCHO SEMANTIC
DOCTOR'S STUDIO.
DOCTOR and PATIENT (with bleeding dagger stuck in his chest).
DOCTOR Good morning, Sir.
PATIENT Uuuuuuhhh...
DOCTOR So, what seems to be the problem?
PATIENT (groans) Isn't it obvious?
DOCTOR Hmmmm... Headache? Slight twitch around the upper left-hand hand? Itchy anus?
PATIENT Look, Doctor bleedin' House... (points to dagger)
DOCTOR Ah, well this is nothing to worry about. Probably psychosomatic.
PATIENT Psycho who? Look, I've got a bleedin' great...
DOCTOR Under a lot of stress, are we? Everything okay at work? Wife and kids all tickety boo?
PATIENT Get this dagger out! I'm covered in blood. I look like a cross between a Lady Gaga video and another Lady Gaga video
DOCTOR The problem with you old folk is you don't appreciate the giant bounds and leaps medical science has - well, bounded and leapt at. Take the butterfly effect, for example.
PATIENT (howls)
DOCTOR Now hear me out. It's not life or death. But did you know that if a butterfly beats its wings in a forest with no one to hear it, it causes a chain and effect that can lead to the downfall of the Stoke administration...
PATIENT Please, Doctor bleedin' Kildare...
DOCTOR Which can in turn lead to tsunami, earthquakes and the end of the dinosaurs...
PATIENT Oh, sod it. (removes dagger and plants it in doctor's chest)
DOCTOR Ouch! The pain, the agony, the more pain... Clearly I've been under a lot of stress.
SFX:ALARM KLAXON, AND HEAVY METAL DOOR SLAMMING
GREG:What was that?
LEO:[HIS LINES COULD HAVE FX TO MAKE IT SOUND AS THOUGH THEY'RE OVER AN INTERCOM] Err, sorry Greg. Massive leak.
GREG:Bloody hell. Let me out and we'll get it sorted.
LEO:Can't do that, Greg. You've been exposed to radiation. A lot of radiation.
GREG:Jesus. How long do I have to stay in here?
LEO:The rest of your life.
GREG:What?
LEO:No, wait, my mistake. Twenty minutes.
GREG: Oh, fine.
LEO:No, my mistake again: the rest of your life will be twenty minutes.
GREG:I can't believe this happened the one time you weren't in the experiment chamber.
LEO:I was making the tea.
GREG:I wouldn't mind, but you never ever make the tea.
LEO:I bet you wish you hadn't made such a point about that now.
GREG:Never mind that, what can we do?
LEO:Nothing. You'll be dead soon. [BEAT] Oh, but there is one thing we could do.
GREG:Yes?!
LEO:You could bite something.
GREG:How will that save my life?
LEO: Oh, it won't. Nothing will. But, you know, when people get bitten by radioactive things, that's how you make superheroes. Like spiderman. So I thought we could do that, seeing as you're quite astonishingly radioactive now.
GREG:You want me to bite a person?
LEO:No, Greg! God, read the safety manual. Well, you can't, it's out here, but you definitely can't come into contact with a person. But maybe we can do a swictheroo - is there a spider in there?
GREG: Of course there's not a spider in here! It's a high spec state of the art scientific facility.
LEO:Maybe not so high spec as we thought given the whole...well, look, how about I send a spider in. Through the airlock bit.
GREG:No! Send drugs through or something.
LEO:I'm just wondering, what would happen if you bit a spider.
GREG:It would immediately die.
LEO: Oh yeah.
GREG:And I would be sick.
LEO: Oh, I wouldn't worry, that will happen anyway. A lot. Your death will be agonising. But look in the airlock, I've put something in to help?
GREG:What is it? Some sot of neutralising agent?
LEO:No. It's your cup of tea.
GREG: Oh. Thanks. [BEAT, THEN DISGUSTED SPIT] Yuk! this has got a sugar in it!
LEO: Oh yeah, I forgot. Sorry, don't often do the tea.
Roving Reporter Duncan Fluff is sent to the countryside to find out the secrets behind a new addictive beer. Farmer Barney is hellbent on discussing his geese.
Fluff:
Enough of your talk on goosing galas. The real reason I'm here is to find the secrets behind this new beer, Hunters Brew....Woah! There's horses and hounds heading straight for us!
Barney:
That's just the barley hunters. They'll be here in four seconds so I'd rapidly jump out of the way if I were you.
Fluff:
Woah!! Barley hunter, I might get an extra interview in here, can I get a quick word.
Barley H:
Only if you run along beside my horse - Betsy Bumblebee, over hedges, under branches, over hills, under growth, that sort of thing.
Fluff:
Sure, I'm game. Firstly, what's your name? Secondly, why are you hunting barley? Thirdly, how are you doing it and secondly again, why?
Jessop:
The names Jessop Jenkins. I've been hunting barley now for nigh on 30 days. I'm the lone barley hunter. Just me, my 12 Co-riders and our 150 dogs.
Fluff:
Why, if I may ask the second question for the third time, are you hunting it?
Jessop:
Barley is best when it's frightened half to death and is well known for its health properties. You hunt it, you stalk it, you flush it out when it least expects it. Once captured- mind that big loch of water- once captured you throw it in water until it's drowned half to death, accomplished the full death. Then reseep it to kill it again. Finally do a kiln kill by roasting it. Three deaths. Then it's ready for beer, not just any beer - Mind all the hazards!
Epic fall.
Fluff:
This feeeels like t-three deaths of m-my oooown!
Jessop:
Grab him Betsy.
Horse neigh.
Fluff:
I thought I was done for. I can't believe I fell through that ditch, tumbled down the embankment, skimmed across the pond and was plummeting up that tree. I was about to trip over my own head only for your horse...
Jessop:
Betsy is a treasure. She'd run backwards through a hedge for you. She'd dance over hot coals, she'd midwive a hawk, she'd fluff up your cushions, she'd bring blood to your eyes. An all rounder.
Fluff:
Back to you in the studio Samuel.
Jessop:
There's a barley field trying to get away! Quickly!
Bugle horn. Dogs. Horses galloping.
End.
BOB: Hi, Lee, how's it going?
LEE: Hello Bob. I've got some news, Bob. I've lost my job, Bob.
BOB: Ha! Ha! "Job, Bob", he says!
LEE: Seriously, though. I can't afford my holiday to Bora Bora.
BOB: What's that? Bora? Bora? You're just making random noises with your stupid mouth now.
LEE: No, seriously, Bob, I've lost my job.
BOB: Ha! Ha! More of your rhymes! Well, the same one as before.
LEE: Also, more bad news. My wife has been sleeping with a bloke who looks like David Hasselhoff used to look in Knight Rider, when he wore a jacket.
BOB: When he wore a jacket? Damn. Isn't it always the way?
LEE: It gets worse, Bob. My pet goldfish has run away from home.
BOB: Damn, that is bad news. Still, at least you've got your health.
LEE: Well, it gets even worse, Bob, because I forgot to say that I've got a slightly sore toe.
BOB: Oh. Is that it? A sore toe?
LEE: Slightly sore, Bob. Watch when I put pressure on it. Ooh! Ooh! See?
BOB: Yes, that's just horrible. I mean, you weren't actually putting pressure on it, just going "ooh! ooh!", but whatever.
LEE: Listen, I'm the one in charge, that's why I pay you the big bucks.
BOB: Yes, Lee.
LEE: So, same time next Friday?
BOB: Of course, Lee. Take care. Now, Debbie, could you send the next patient in, please? To my f**king PSYCHIATRY OFFICE for LUNATICS??! Ha, ha, ha!
LEE: Who are you talking to, Bob?
BOB: Oh, don't mind me. I'm just having one of my episodes.
WE NOW SEE THEY'RE BOTH SITTING ON A PARK BENCH
Good stuff all round, I like gappy's idea and Otterfox's is delightfully absurd. But my vote to Michael - a traditional style sketch with modern references, I can picture a Mitchell and Webb type duo doing something similar.
Grazie!
Otterfox this wank.
Really difficult to call it this week. They all seem to be on a par with each other. I enjoyed them all.
Aplate by a nose. I could read them again and go with either of Mikey and Gappy but for now it's Aplate.
Has to be a plate for me this week, but speckled (sic) mention to Michael for "I look like a cross between a Lady Gaga video and another Lady Gaga video"